undoubtedly way past due, i have come to the close of this online journey. as i look back on the ride, i see many missteps and just as many (if not more) miracles that have happened along my path. i never thought that having an outlet such as this would give me the relief that it has, but there you have it. i never knew there was much outside my boxed in "let's get fucked up" mentality.
if there is one thing i will continue to work on, it is self-acceptance and forgiveness. these are the cornerstones of my insanity and create the most problems for me. they always have. and no doubt i will be working on this as long as i breathe.
i have other projects going. the widget in the sidebar will connect you to two other blogs i oversee. i have also recently taken a position that has the potential of requiring me to put much heart into. this will be a blessing AND eat up energy and drive. i must give up some things in order to make room for new things to move in.
shifting gears from weekend to weekday is much easier since i have slowed way down on the catering gigs. i had the shopping day on saturday and went to see the new travolta/washington film, and then sunday i was fortunate enough to see a friend for tea and got a mess (literally) of yard work done that has been causing me grief.
i purchased new curtains for the bohemian love pad, new dishes, and some new shirts which i sorely need. i even bought a lavendar polo, although i cannot even begin to figure where i might wear it. no doubt more will be revealed.
amazingly, i did not get everything done i hoped for. but i did accomplish personal care items and am thrilled with that. so when i slip into sunday afternoon, i feel a little remorse, but even more satisfaction that i was blessed with down time.
monday morning brings a 6am workout, followed by a huddle at the office at 8am. working straight through till 5p with an hour lunch and a change of locations in the afternoon, followed by a drive to the burbs for 4 hours of dui classes. this seems the longest day as it is in such opposition to the weekend.
the blessed part of this crazy schedule is the very little amount of time i have to be in my own head. i am required to be present for others for the totality of work time. i am allowed to be of service and find ways to give to others.
today's sound choice is an acoustic version of manic monday by the bangles.
"Gnossienne" is the name given to several piano pieces by French composer Erik Satie in the late 19th century.
i am in a weird spot. strange and uncomfortable actually, because i feel my anger and my ego rising certainly, but also because i feel as if something ain't right. i serve as co-chair on the planning council for the mayor's office of hiv resources. we are currently underway to draw out our 3 year comprehensive plan. we have taken bids from contractors, but went with the samo samo after i was told because they were local and knew our modus operandi that it might facilitate fluidity. okay i can understand this.
we are setting upon an adventure with this process, there are several mini-retreats for all the committees. since i am on two committees it would mean two retreats. okay, the plwh committee i reschedule to fit several schedules. but the exec committee has been rescheduled without my input (mind you there are 6 persons on that committee). today when i spoke with the coordinator she informed me of the date and i was shocked. she replied that she had sent out the calendar the previous week. i did get a document on publisher which i don't have and cannot open. i have informed her of this before. today she replied that she didn't have time to worry about that now- that she was too busy.
i suggested that perhaps she could save the document as a pdf or some different file, but she couldn't worry about that now. well i think it's retribution for something that happened in the last exec meeting. she started crying when she was discussing another vendor and their apparent lack of effectiveness as well as their lack of respect for her. i was a little taken aback at the crying jag in the meeting as well as the inappropriateness of the inference about a vendor. as a council our job is to deal with percentage appropriation only and not individual vendor selection. and i think our job is to remain neutral.
Doorknob (from Alice In Wonderland) Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.
so here i am, feeling unimportant and unnecessary. i am torn between two reactions (well i guess 3). 1) to resign from the council- small shit i know, but frankly all these meetings and retreats are scheduled during my work hours and i don't necessarily get paid for them- sometimes i don't get paid because of them. and i don't like being told that because i don't own a certain word processing program that i am not entitled to know what the schedules - i am a co-chair after all- which actually should make no difference- we are a council for plwh and need to accommodate them, not diminish them. 2) continue- swallow my singed pride and hang on to my seat, 'cuz it may be a bumpy ride. however, i could resign my chair position. i actually am currently working 3 jobs to make ends meet and it's maybe more than a bit crazy to try to include all this service work when i'm not really sure it's making any difference. 3)realize that i am wanting to make a decision because i am feeling emotional and do nothing to change right now, at least until the emotionality subsides.
i have to say that i am almost embarrassed that i am writing about something that seems to be so self serving, but it somehow has importance for me. i am not sure if it's the boundaries involved (or lack thereof) or another issue. i do know that i feel as if perhaps my talents and passion could be more wisely focused elsewhere. i am unclear if i have too many irons in the fire and need to downsize. certainly the "ships" discussed here already been launched. the musical notes of this composition are already being played. i guess i'll find faith that whatever happens is what is meant to happen. but first i check my motives and relax. be still and know.
i have given my notice at my job and am in a contemplative state. i have been working as a client advocate for persons living with hiv for two years now. it has been an eye-opening experience to say the least. more importantly is the heart opening that has been taking place in me the last two years as well. i have become aware of so many issues and details and circumstances in peoples lives that i previously was completely blind to. this is my song. and my song is knowing you.
i have met many hiv plus homeless persons who have no real place to lay their head. many of them have mental health issues and it affects how they take care of themselves and how they approach wellness and health care in general. i mean when you wander a lot looking for a place to sit down, it hardly seems logical that taking meds on a timely basis would have any priority whatsoever.
i have become aware of people in this capacity not having the self efficacy to keep themselves physically safe. so, in that sense, how could risky behaviors have any real priority? if you can't negotiate whether you have sex or not, how do you possibly negotiate whether it is going to be "safe"?
i now understand more clearly that if i cannot tell you that i have sex with a man, how can i possibly tell you that i am positive? and i would rather get sick than go to a doctor, because my wife will find out that i have hiv.
it seems completely understandable to think that someone has been poz for 20 years and is just tired of feeling disconnected. tired of putting on the glove when it's time to make love. that it's counter intuitive that i need to place a barrier between us before we become closer.
i know much better that after 2 years of diarrhea, it seems logical for a person to really tire of the medication routine. it's so draining, how can a person keep it up. and who wants to hear about it anyway. then you pick up a copy of poz magazine and everybody looks healthy, happy, and full of smiles. and you think, i must not be good enough.
and then there are those who have lost so many of their friends and are just lonely. they never expected to live this long, weren't at all prepared. and have a difficult time discerning a reason to keep it up. where is the fun when there are no shared memories? not one inside joke? no one to remind you of anything that happened that one time?
and the folks who have been numbing out for so long, that they don't even remember what life is like without pharmacology. they have been zombied by drugs and alcohol and are whispers of the people they once were. walking wounded. bela lugosis. caspers.
please don't misunderstand my spewing here. this is not a judgement. this is not a critique. this is my experience. and i am not in regret. i have opened my heart. i have opened my eyes to the realities of living with a "condition". of surviving, but not smoothly. it's not all downhill from here. there are crags, and crevices, and hidden bumps and holes.
this is my community. this is the truth about hiv. this is not what the press releases want you to know. but this might be the prevention information that works. i don't know. not everyone with hiv has a broken life. not by a long shot. however, it is not at all like being nominated for class president, either. it is an earthquake. it shakes us to the very foundation. and it takes time to find out how high it is on the richter scale.
i will miss this work and this position. i leave this job a much stronger and healther hiv plus person than i was prior. i no longer have time for shame. i have found bliss in this diagnosis. i carry it with me always. i am blessed to have been able to help anyone. i couldn't help myself leave a bathhouse room a few years ago. this type of job is a recommended service position for anyone who thinks they are a pariah.
