oh so blue

 

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

i stayed up last night packing and readying to get outta dodge for a few days. this has been an incredibly tough week for me and so i guess i'm in additional need for a vacay. i have been really emotional the last week or so. i found myself reacting in strange ways to ordinary things and probably over-reacting to many of them.

but get away i will. i am staying with perhaps the best friend i will ever have. we call him blue and we met in 1979? or 1980? at an afterhours club called "columns" in chicago. he was wearing a scottish purse (the kind that, gets slung around the waist when you wear a kilt) as a hat. i remember it was some very strange lime green color with a red pom pom and i thought " how queer" to myself. but we struck up a conversation, realized we had friends in common, walked the 32 blocks from downtown back to belmont when we left the club at around 6 am and have been tight ever since.

of course, there has been lotsa drama in-between. we were roommates at one time, which had its share of good times (many many) and challenging ones. and when my friend paul tested postive in 85 or 86, and i started losing my sanity, he remained slightly detached but always supportive, and luckily for me it has stayed that way ever since.

he was part of a circle of friends that took me in as i was flip flopping around in the late 70's. i had left home when i was sixteen and moved to chicago to fend for myself, and had run into some dramas over the 5 or so years until i met them. they were a few years older and had already slid into a sense of themselves. i, however, had not had the luxury, nor the stability, to do that yet. in many ways, i was still struggling to learn how to survive, make money, pay rent, and surf my emotional tides, and under their tutelage, i began to construct some of the framework of the person i have become today.

his father was gay and had moved to denver for awhile, so he would come visit and we would have a chance to hang out. there were some really fun and heartwarming hours during those denver visits of his. and i believe it sealed our friendship on a deeper level. he was the first person i took to glenwood springs to bask in the healing waters and scenic wonder.

and he has been one of the few constants during my tumultuous drama. there have been oh so many fires that burned very bright and fizzled out too quickly, and he has remained available for me to hang on to when i thought i was drowning.

over the years, he has shown me what strength is, what kindness is, how to maintain, and how to forgive. these are some of the lessons of adulthood that are paramount to happiness for me. i continue to be humbled and to be grateful for the grace of this friendship. and indeed this is oneof the best feelings i will ever have.

today's sound choice is the wonderful jason mraz with "in my life"



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madness

Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively. - VOLTAIRE (1694-1778)

it's so challenging to be in the throes of a chemical imbalance and feel in balance. no matter what is happening on the outside, what goes on inside can easily be equated with hell. there is no real rhyme or reason for the ebb and flow that happens, but it does. when the darker side, the depressed side- i suppose the flow- it is the hardest.

i was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about this very thing and she pointed out that of all the people she knew with bi-polar disorder, she never heard one of them complain about the mania aspect. they all loved that piece. tis true for my experience with bi-polars as well. it seems that when they are "in their cups",  at high tide and filled with inspiration, it is a difficult feeling to beat. everything feels so connected then and one feels almost invincible.

but when the tide starts going back out it is a much different story. waves of mistrust and self doubt flood the brain and confusion about what to think and how to believe. it seems such a long distance from the former that one can almost not remember ever experiencing that.

this is an ongoing process. sometimes, so busy with life, this recurring revolution is hardly noticeable, but sometimes it is so evident that nothing else can be seen. how does one not drift into madness? how does one stay grounded? it is said that medication softens the process, but does not remove it. it is a neverending story that may always have new twists and turns.

today's sound choice is patti smith's cover of the nirvana classic "smells like teen spirit"




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bootleg

When Things Fall Apart



"We think that if we just meditated enough or jogged enough or ate perfect food, everything would be perfect. But from the point of view of someone who is awake, that’s death. Seeking security or perfection, rejoicing in feeling confirmed and whole, self-contained and comfortable, is some kind of death. It doesn’t have fresh air. There’s no room for something to come in and interrupt all that. We are killing the moment by controlling our experience. Doing this is setting ourselves up for failure, because sooner or later, we’re going to have an experience we can’t control: our house is going to burn down, someone we love is going to die, we’re going to find out we have cancer, a brick is going to fall out of the sky and hit us on the head …


The essence of life is that it’s challenging. Sometimes it is sweet, and sometimes it is bitter. Sometimes your body tenses, and sometimes it relaxes or opens. Sometimes you have a headache, and sometimes you feel 100% healthy. From an awakened perspective, trying to tie up all the loose ends and finally get it together is death, because it involves rejecting a lot of your basic experience. There is something aggressive about that approach to life, trying to flatten out all the rough spots and imperfections into a nice smooth ride.

To be fully alive, fully human and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. From the awakened point of view, that’s life.”

- Pema Chodron, “When Things Fall Apart”, pp. 71-72

i am in an additional training two days this week. the subject of the training is a corporate program called crucial conversations and is certainly relevant for our workplace, as well as much of my own life. having the skill to distill the process of a difficult conversation by looking beyond the content is not what i would call my strong suit. the idea is that productivity and the ability to just get things done really falls apart when our reactions to life get in the way.

it is so normal to have an internal processor that regulates our reactions to encounters and situations. it separates our emotional reactions from our verbal responses. in the training it is delegated to the left hand column responses and the right hand column responses... i.e. our feelings and thoughts versus our verbal retorts. what is said to happen is that our core reponses-fight or flight- also come into play and have a subsurface effect on our verbal responses. we can sense another's left hand column agenda and respond to that from a left hand column position and communication shuts down.

i find this completely valid and very much in line with my spiritual program i have adopted for my recovery. i don't however find anything simple about it. once i have had a visceral response to a situation, it is quite a task to recognize i am in a primal mode and walk myself back down a tightrope.  but it is possible. it is a healthy direction for me to attempt to steer my awareness. i react in a very visceral way to many many situations i find myself in. it may be helpful initially, but i feel those genetic responses need to be developed into something less cut and dried, less black and white.

the connection between the pema chodron quote and my perception of crucial conversations is the willingness. many folks in 12 step understand this concept. if i want my life to be healthy, i must be willing to have the difficult but crucial conversations in my life. sounds very simple, but a very daunting task.

i have popped open a new "back to mine", this one by richard x (photo above). his bio reads a bit like a 21st century cinderella story. he began his career working in the bootleg aspect of the music industry and has emerged in the sunlight and become quite successful. the collection he offers is quite lovely and has some vintage gems as well as some modern mini-classics. i am thoroughly enjoying myself. today's sound choice is animotion with "obsession"
have some fun!! i think he takes us on a very pleasant journey...






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mask

 Bury all your secrets in my skin

Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins

The air around me still feels like a cage

And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

early up today. couldn't sleep actually. i got a call and an email about something that was in the last SIN newsletter. an image was used for its intended purpose and there is some discontent with that image. i have been wrestling with my decision to use it, with the asking of permission, and with the actual complaint. i know that i definitely asked and received permission to use this image. i know that my reason to use it was decent. but i had no idea that it would cause such a ruckus. it doesn't seem real that it would be viewed as an invasion of privacy. it was a public photo and a release was signed for marketing. it is not used at all out of context.

there is a part of me that wonders what the meaning behind this drama is. how is it possible that the 600 copies of the publication that have been distributed only in hiv clinics and community based organizations have made it into the hands of someone so disconnected from the world of hiv and a city of 3 million? and if the messenger of this information was of the "evil axis" kind, how is this publication at fault? what about the intention of the delivery of this message?

and yet there are hurt feelings involved. this is the hardest pill to swallow. no matter what my belief about the charge that has been hurled, at the end of the day it is my responsibility to address it. this kind of result is not okay by me. i don't want to  be the cause of hurt in anyone- at least intentionally. but i cannot foresee all things either. if a photograph is taken, a release is given and signed, it would be safe to assume that when marketing for that product is done, that release would be understood. i guess i will have to be more careful in future. i am learning it is not best to assume anything when it comes to people. and i hope this individual can find the space to heal. from whatever any and all the ailments are.

today's sound choice is definitely a bit quirky. i do love this song and i love the band's image. my local radio station has been playing it for awhile and i always turn it up. here is slipknot with "snuff" it was recorded of jimmy kimmel so you may want to turn it up.... this song takes me back to my high school rock and roll days...




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something to soothe

RR_huddleflyer

the huddle has begun. it's drawn people - about 7 or so each meeting. it has been marketed about 3 weeks now. there are conversations happening and there has been a spectrum of use issues thus far. this is the purpose of this venture. a place within our clinic setting for lgbt patients to develop a sense of community within the divisive nature of their struggles. and people  are talking each meeting. but i have rarely known too many gay people to have difficulty talking when they feel somewhat safe. even if it is only to bitch. (although this is not how this hase rolled out thus far.)

the circle starts early next month. it is hoped that this will offer support and insight to folks who are struggling with inspiration and direction in their lives- substance use and abuse being one of the issues at the top of that list. it is thought that the journey with hiv (pre or post diagnosis) can be so engulfing that it can become difficult to pick oneself up, dust oneself off, and move forward. it is hoped that this process will offer some assistance with this piece of life. it's based on journaling and reconnecting with one's internal guide or creative force. it is believed that eveyone has an internal voice, and although they may have different volume settings, they are none-the-less valuable to each of us for our survival. this group is to be co-facilitated by a psych nurse so if an issue of a deeper nature arises, we should have immediate support available. and if no such happenstance occurs, we will have fun remembering our less mature and responsibility-burdened selves.

this seems to represent a shift in direction for our little universe. it feels a privilege to be witness this shift and participate in it. i am truly grateful for the opportunity and anticipate the direction that it takes me.

today's sound choice is soft and soothing for me. it is dashboard confessional with "stolen"




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