undoubtedly way past due, i have come to the close of this online journey. as i look back on the ride, i see many missteps and just as many (if not more) miracles that have happened along my path. i never thought that having an outlet such as this would give me the relief that it has, but there you have it. i never knew there was much outside my boxed in "let's get fucked up" mentality.
if there is one thing i will continue to work on, it is self-acceptance and forgiveness. these are the cornerstones of my insanity and create the most problems for me. they always have. and no doubt i will be working on this as long as i breathe.
i have other projects going. the widget in the sidebar will connect you to two other blogs i oversee. i have also recently taken a position that has the potential of requiring me to put much heart into. this will be a blessing AND eat up energy and drive. i must give up some things in order to make room for new things to move in.
it is 4th of July weekend and i'm very happy for the 3 days. i am much less busy these days as i have let go of my second job. it a mixed bag blessing as i miss the 12K annually and feel that in my monthly budget, but i also have had much more time to just be which has afforded me some depth in my perception of my life.
last friday a colleague and i spoke to a group of african women refugees who are living with hiv. their perspective on the disease is very much contrasted with ours in the states- at least those of us living with it for over 20 years. they still deal with gang rape, stigma, asylum, and death, whereas stateside we have become much less fearful and integrated it into our lives. as we shared our experiences and thoughts about this, there was a visible and collective sigh of relief expressed both verbally and in body language after the interpreters did their work.
all in all it was a very powerful 2 hours for me. i still find it amazing that something i carried around as stigma and in fear can be of such use to others. i'll just put another silver dollar in my recovery piggy bank.
a friend has been struggling with his addiction for most of his adult life. he got sober for about a year but when he was scheduled to go back to his hometown for the holiday, what may have been the overwhelming guilt and emotion cause a restart of his tango with addiction. a week ago friday he was found dead on a bike path near curtis park- no doubt the benzos and some booze are at the heart of the matter for him. i felt some sadness, but an eerie overwhelming sense of relief as well. he really is not enduring the frustration of his situation, nor the aggravation of his ability to manipulate his situation any longer.
as i wait for an opportunity to apply for a promotion, i am again considering the idea of pre-treatment as an additional option for folks who are using. it seems that combining this under the umbrella of recovery support services may make sense. people who are using often have difficulty imagining that anyone lives and thrives without using. and a drop in support group may address this in a peer-educator and culturally competent way.
i thought about the fact that i used to often find myself at the refrigerator door, opening it, and looking in- even though i didn't want anything. it was more a thing that i just did. i remembered also that i used to get high in just the same way, often because i was listless without direction and just had nothing better to do. i have found new things to do.
no matter how many times i hear this song, i absolutely love it. and maybe now i have a slightly deeper connection to its meaning.
So open your eyes child, Let’s be on our way. Broken windows and ashes Are guiding the way.
Keep quiet no longer, We’ll sing through the day, Of the lives that we’ve lost, And the lives we’ve reclaimed.
i was perusing hiv sites last nite and i came across yet another city's site that has borrowed some of the incredible work from the seattle king county health department. their ground-breaking harm reduction focused advocacy has been echoed from coast to coast and i find myself with my jaw dropped. as i perused this document on a san diego site, this song also played in the background and the idea of "i've got love on my mind" paired with information for hiv poz gay men using crystal with sex was just too parallelled to ignore.
The following is a repost from "let's talk about meth" from the dc working group. there is much thoughtful insight into what can be excruciatingly painful and confusing when dealing with someone who is twacked on meth. there is a reduction in the obviousness of meth use in our community, and much of the press around the "meth crisis" has waned, however, there continue to be members of our community who are at various stages of interludes with meth and many times their lives and relationships become tattered or disintegrate.
acknowledging there is a problem and then finding the where-with-all to talk about it is the first step in lessening the fear and reducing any stigma, both for the user and their loved ones.
THE COURSE OF ADDICTION ON RELATIONSHIPS
Although every intimate relationship is certainly unique, predictable patterns often emerge when addiction joins the partnership. As addiction develops and evolves, most couples experi-ence parallel changes in how their relation-ship feels and functions. The common progres-sion looks something like this:
Explanations: Early in the development of the addiction, you and your partner explain away his occasional episodes of excessive drug use or drinking. You may attri-bute them to unusual stress at work or a birthday celebration gone too far, for example. Although the events come and go, your anger, embar-rassment, or disappointment may start to build up.
Doubt and distrust: Soon you realize that your partner's drug use/drinking is not normal, and you begin to pressure him to be more careful, cut down, or quit. This can be especially difficult if you both drank or used drugs together, you now stop, but your partner doesn't. In this case, your partner might see the problem not as his own substance abuse but as your sudden attitude reversal towards this once shared activity. Regardless, you now become the bad guy or the nagging mother in the relationship. At the same time, you try to hide his problem from the outside and keep up a good front,which can become exhausting over time. You may notice more negative emotions creeping in. Where is he? He's hungover and now I have to do all the yard work. What is he doing all night? I hate that I don't believe him. As resentment and distrust emerge, so too might the apologies and promises not to let it happen again. You forgive again because you love him.
Crisis: Now you can no longer pretend everything is OK, and you spend much of the time going from crisis to crisis. Life seems quiet for a while. Then all of a sudden - another binge, another chunk of money gone, another 3-day disappearance, another lie that's backfired. The emotional roller coaster consumes your energy. You may feel helpless and unable to control the emotional or practical chaos of your own house-hold. At this point, you might start seeking outside help.
Sex can become a central and divisive issue, particularly when crystal meth is involved. A common scenario goes like this: Your sex life starts to shrivel up, he starts having sex outside the relationship or going beyond the agreements in your "open" relationship. You may feel ignored sexually or even feel manipulat-ed if your partner uses sex to "make up" for something he's done or to prove he loves you even though he's acting like an ass. Ultimately, sex can become some-thing to avoid, withhold, or use as emotional leverage.
If you're worried that his sexual activ-ity might bring home HIV or an STD, start insisting on condoms, having less anal sex and getting tested more frequently. Many men take greater sexual risks when under the influence, so your concerns are certainly valid. Do what you need to protect yourself.
Coming to terms: Your coping abilities eventually become stronger and now you clearly see the addiction. You gradually assume a larger share of the responsibility for the home, friend/family commitments, and taking care of your own needs. You become more resilient to his lies and denial and less guilty for not getting pulled into them.
This period sometimes becomes the "ultimatum phase." You want to help, you want to stick by him, but you can't do it unconditionally. Many partners set new limits (or at least stop adjusting old ones) and begin to envision a possible change or end to the relationship.
Disentangling: At this point, the "we" evolves into "you and me" as you begin to see yourself more separately from your partner or his addiction. Many turn to counseling, with or without their partners, in attempts to either arrest the addiction or deal with its consequences. It may be useful to work with a coun-selor with specialized experience in addiction and for each partner to see his own therapist outside of couples counseling.
Should I leave? becomes a common question here. How long do I try and how far do I go to help until I just can't anymore? Clearly, the answer is different in each relationship, but there are two situations in which you should strongly consider separation, even if only temporarily:
1.Your partner's addiction is making you sick as well and you are no longer the person you used to be. Perhaps you see yourself more depressed, withdrawn from friends, not doing the fun hobbies you used to, or having prob-lems at work because you're so distracted.
2.Your own financial, physical, or legal security is in jeopardy. Physical or sexual violence should never be tolerated.
Addiction can have cata-strophic legal and financial consequences. Watch out for deep trouble spots and take steps to protect yourself as much as possible. Distancing yourself can be tricky, of course, if you co-own a house, bank account, or other assets, but it is even more critical in these cases. Co-ownership is also an emotional symbol of trust and commitment in most relationships. Talk to a legal or financial professional for objective advice.
Some men feel a lot of social pressure to stay in a relationship. They don't want to appear too "heart-less," or they worry what friends might say if they jump ship too soon. And what do you do about all the friends you and your partner share? What if you adore his family and they adore you? This is where trust-ing your instincts is important.
Too many guys have prolonged painful relationships by not believing their own sense that something is wrong. There are so many ways to talk yourself out of your own gut feelings. Maybe I'm overreacting. He said he didn't get high last night. Well I acted like a jerk too. But no matter what your partner says or what your own head says, your gut will always know when something doesn't feel right. Listen to yourself, trust yourself, believe yourself. If something feels wrong, it probably is.
Reorganizing: You either reconcile with your partner in his recovery or restructure your life without him.If the relationship ends, it doesn't mean you didn't try hard enough to make it work. Or that you didn't do the right things along the way. The responsibility for the relationship lies equally between you. He is responsible for his addiction and for its consequences on others. That may not lessen your sense of loss, betrayal, or anger, but it may help you move forward knowing that the decision to leave was at least the right one for you.
You may or may not be able to con-trol the course of addiction on your relationship. But you might feel more in control if you can step back, see what is happening, and take steps to manage the challenges facing you in the moment. Just knowing that the doubt, confusion, frustration or despair you may be feeling are common and even predictable might help you regain perspective and cope more steadily.
hiv and meth use? just a coincidence? certainly the numbers have come down the latter half of this decade. however, upon closer inspection, one may find that there is a significant number of hiv positive persons who engage in regular meth use. could stigma and disclosure be at the core? what are your thoughts? can something be done? something other than stigmatizing these individuals further?
some days, some weeks, some months, i just know somehow that things are not steady. things are gonna be kinda jumbled. things are gonna feel topsy-turvy. it's not all the time, but it does happen and it happens with some repetition. this is one of those times for me.
i am meeting with a handful of people right now who are struggling in their lives, and their stories read like a william s burroughs cut-up. the plot(s) almost seem from outer space. most likely they are fragments of fuller stories strewn together in a hodge podge, have-to-make-sense-of-it-all kinda way. the listening and the deciphering is definitely an adventure and a humbling experience. i lose sight of my direction often, muddling through ralph kramdon logic and ed norton statistics that i am given. i recognize fear and false bravado, but see it disguised as very odd tarantino-like characters with their eyes on the opposite lane.
i would laugh, but it just isnt' appropriate here. at least not yet. there is excavating to do and a necessity for getting clarification on direction. or maybe i just try to provide a memorable rest stop... if i can do just this, it will make some sense of this very jumbled and collaged slice of my life. i am in no way complaining here. simply journaling about the imbalance and the turbulence.
i am co-facilitating a group which is based on journaling. it is also geared towards recognizing the inner critic and moving past that voice to pursue deeper objectives. this last session, which is about midway in the program, was extremely joyous. i likened it to sitting around a campfire with travellers trading tales of adventures in the wood as well as past experiences and the lessons learned.
there was a glow (presumably the fictional fire) in the center and it gave off warmth and a sense of safety in the otherwise metaphorical dark. i was happy to discuss the idea of spiritual warrior to those assembled around the glow. it is my experience that i found myself sitting among a group of warriors today. i am at once humbled and proud. there is really not much that can compare to a group of faces that are underlit by the glow of a cozy campfire.
Characteristics of a Spiritual Warrior
Happiness is every person’s choice, but few really make an effort for it.
The Spiritual Warrior is a person who challenges the dreams of fear, lies, false beliefs, and judgments that create suffering and unhappiness in his or her life. It is a war that takes place in the heart and mind of a man or woman. The quest of the Spiritual Warrior is the same as spiritual seekers around the world. The Spiritual Warrior faces this challenge with the clarity and awareness that this war is fought within himself and that Truth and unconditional love are on the other side of these battles. This is what the Toltecs refer to as Personal Freedom. You can find this referenced in the book The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz.
today's sound choice is a very former very favorite of mine. there is an old custom on some danceclubs of building a metaphoric fire in the center of the floor and to keep feeding the fire with energy and imagined wood to keep the energy flowing throughout the club. as you feed the invisible flames with love and passion, that same energy is transmitted outward and emanates to the nooks and crannys of the room. this is one of those "building" songs for me. here is danny tenaglia with "elements"
this particular publication has been the most emotional since the 1st. delays and detours have not dampened my spirit. So many wonderful new friends and colleagues have put themselves out and made a contribution. I am humbled by the giving nature of people when given the opportunity.
the next issue is going to be a departure from the 1st six. same subject matter, same real people approach, but the focus will shift slightly, i hope. and i have to thank chris kenry and bruce baillat for their incredible selflessness and talent. i hope you find something that grabs your interest.
i got an email from colorado aids project about a fundraiser called backtracks (october 11 at exdo events center $10) and it got me thinking about dancing. it's funny to me. if i look at the list of friends on my fb page, let's say, i realize that about half know me in my present incarnation. person living in recovery, counselor, and hiv activist. but then the other half know me as i was before these days came into being. these friends and confidantes knew me when something black-something earring, nipple pony round-up, collar up syndrome(it's first time around) and techno-pop and crossover basslines ruled the day- and certainly the night-my dance hall days.
now i can't change them, nor would i even considering doing such a thing. i had a blast from 1975 until 1988 doing the club thing. after that, it became something very different. but during those times, i lived, i laughed (a lot), and i loved. the camaraderie that was instilled in me during all those after hours parties and all those tribal chants on the dance floors really helped lead me to the person i am now. and i have a much better understanding of what makes younger gay men tick because their trials and tribulations are not so very different from my own path.
on this saturday, i salute once again my dance hall days. and i salute the dance hall days of now. gay men's culture has almost forever found gay men meeting and socializing in some very alternative and intimate ways and no doubt will continue to do so. we set standards, we set trends, we say yes to pleasure, we have forged new paths.
long live dance halls. long live gay men. lord help us learn to love each other and take care of each other with deeper intention each year. we definitely have shown we know how to work it.
today's sound choice is a frankie knuckles remix of thompson and lenoir's "work it to the bone."
Thugs and badmen punks and lifers locked up interns pigs and snitches
Rest your weary heads, all is well
You won't be strip-searched, torn up tonight you won't be cut up, bleeding tonight you won't be strung out, cold, shaking to your bones wishing you were anywhere else but right here So dream on
in june, hrsa published a new document which breaks down quite a bit that is already known about hiv positive folks who use crystal meth. there has been quite a bit of press over the last five years over this particular intersection of crises and i have come to believe that this 5 page overview is thoughtful and concise. i have also come to believe that as a nation and a culture, americans are far far behind the eight ball in understanding substance abuse and in our infancy in dealing with it. just take a look at our prison system if you need some validation on this point.
here is my current favorite excerpt from the document. the thoughtful approach that can be financially supported by the ryan white program could perhaps be utilized to garner further understanding to apply to the rest of our citizens who struggle with meth addiction but without hiv. you can read the rest of the article after the jump
Provider Strategies Treating HIV-positive meth users requires intensive collaboration among mental health specialists, dentists, pharmacists, social workers, primary care physicians, substance abuse counselors and, in some cases, correctional employees. “Treating patients requires a team. We have an electronic medical record where we share everything, and we have case conferences almost every week,” says Disney. “The case manager makes sure the patient is connected with resources and . . . following their plan; the pharmacist meets with the client and checks to make sure they’re sticking with an HIV medication regimen; the physician is tracking the lab numbers; I’m helping them deal with the deeper emotional issues, and the dentist is working to improve oral health,” Disney adds.
Part of an effective strategy includes dispelling the myth that meth is harder to treat than other drugs. According to Shoptaw, meth users’ rate of retention in treatment is virtually the same as that for other drugs (3 out of 5 people complete treatment).5 Although no specific guidelines exist to screen for meth, some providers use general substance abuse screening tools, a modified CAGE questionnaire or, in some cases, diagnostic testing with informed consent.9
Shoptaw advises providers to use the “5 A’s”: ask if the patient uses meth, assess if he or she is willing to quit meth, advise in a clear voice that it is a good idea to quit, assist the patient with finding intervention, and arrange for followup. Providers should also become familiar with co-occurring disorders and create a referral system with medical professionals in their area who treat those disorders.6
Cultural competency is vital to help providers understand not only the drug but also the user population and the reasons for use. Equally important is detection of underlying mental health problems. Inclusion of mental health specialists extends to emergency rooms, where it is important to identify whether patients’ mental health problems are meth induced.
Providers are seeing a specific type of memory impairment among meth-using clients. According to a longitudinal memory performance test conducted by colleagues of Shoptaw, word recall and word recognition among meth users is worse than among clients who do not use meth—even after 6 months of abstinence. No real difference for picture recall and picture recognition tests was found between meth users and other clients.32 Providers should therefore use pictures and write down instructions as well as explain information to patients.
In addition to addressing psychological changes, providers can help counter physical changes resulting from meth use by advising patients to hydrate and to avoid wearing hats so as to lower base body temperature and reduce the risk of malignant hyperthermia. Similarly, patients should be advised to consume protein to help repair muscle fibers and naturally produce and replace dopamine.2 To treat xerostomia, providers can recommend the use of artificial saliva products or sugar-free citrus candies to stimulate saliva production.33
today's sound choice is tongue-in-cheek definitely... christian falk featuring robyn "dream on"
There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. - Nelson Mandela
i had the pleasure of being shadowed at my job last week. it is not my favorite experience. a stranger following you, listening to your dialogues, and offering feedback and criticism to you as part of their job. we are grant-funded however, and the manager of the grant has their responsibilities, just as i have mine. and you never know what you have to learn.
it turned out to be a very pleasant experience. our clinic was cancelled that day as the attending was persuaded to have labor induced and gave birth to twins. so the person responsible for shadowing and i had lunch and talked about the program, and then she sat in on 3 individual sessions i had scheduled for that afternoon.
there is a movement underfoot in our state to examine and reshape the idea of substance abuse treatment and referral in the medical setting. i actually believe it's probably long overdue. the indulgences and over-indulgences of tobacco, drugs, and alcohol do have health implications and they tend to be serious. they also tend to be costly.
tomorrow i will be attending a conference put on by the grant program which is really a brainstorming session. they are expecting 150 persons and have some relevant speakers. i have been asked to join some others and moderate discussions at my table and to report to the larger group. i am fortunate enough to be bringing the HIV perspective to the conversation. and i shouldn't have to tell you how intrinsically linked HIV and substance use/abuse are.
our state traditionally has been ranked 48th in spending for substance treatment. this is not a fact that i am boasting about. it is merely a reading of the importance this issue has in Colorado. so in the sbirt screening process, referral to appropriate treatment modalities is paramount. but i fear they are limited, hard to find, and challenging to discern the appropriate fit. my hope is that tomorrow's dialogue will signal some change in this attitude and create some momentum that collaboration and systemic change needs to happen.
i mean, if we don't believe someone getting clean and sober is important, or that moderation is actually a virtue and saves lives, how likely is any individual to believe it either?
today's sound choice is the highly underated royal crown revue with "something's gotta give" - yes that's a rat pack remake... i certainly had my days of being a rockabilly/swing afficianado... i even learned how to do the lindy hop..
he called and said he needed some help. he had started journaling and realized that he was fucked up. he was smoking so much pot that he wasn't doing a very good job of keeping his thoughts together. he has stopped doing all the coke and meth he was doing. and he felt good about that. but he was smoking crack now and again. he had a friend that came over on monday nights, they would smoke crack, have sex, and make a big mess in his room. he would fall asleep and his friend would end up eating a lot of the food in his pantry, so he would go without sometimes at the end of the week. he smokes pot every day and spends about $40 a week on that. he has a couple of drinks once or twice a week, but he has been very good.
he weighs about 120 lbs. he doesn't remember things very well. he is thoughtful and at one time was a really wonderful musician. but those things have receded. medication, food banks, doctor's appointments, and taking the bus have become his pastimes.
so he said he wanted help with a plan to stop smoking pot. he smokes everyday. several times a day, i am sure. i will be here to help him.
but i asked him if he thought he could give up the crack, too. he said he was too weak to have his friend over and not smoke crack. so he might consider not having his friend over. realistically, however, this is his only romantic entanglement. and he recently also told me he really wants a boyfriend.
There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life.
letting go sounds so simple. just 3 little syllables and it's done. in my world however, it's just a bit more complicated. i have been busy the last couple of years working in projects that have appeared before me. i have enjoyed so much of the process. i realize though that part of this process includes making room for others to take the lead and and for me it means moving on.
the weird part is the emotional tug that takes place during all this. there's a little bit that gets unnerved because others want to do things differently. most likely there are many things that should be done in a matter separate from the one at hand. but as my nature goes, i struggle a bit with the shift. even when i know things need to change.
and i know they need to change. part of what holds interest for me is the development of ideas. this is acutely opposed to running them. the latter seems about as tasty as spooning wheat germ in my eyes. the question is why would i put myself through the drama of expectoration when i already know it is inevitable?
today i went to a meeting and due to circumstances i realized 5 minutes in that i didn't want to be there. i want to support their efforts, but i cannot endure the posturing. so i slipped out and enjoyed my afternoon.
today's sound choice is morningwood with "best of me". i saw them perform on logo's newnownext 2009 awards last night. they were fine.
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. ~Josh Billings
i am taking a counseling class for the next coupla days. i don't know why i get surprised how my heart opens when i relax, but i repeatedly do. maybe that's a blessing somehow. maybe i forget that i still can have naivete.
in participating in this class, of course, we practice counseling skills. and the clients are always portrayed by ourselves. so, when we are honest, some work actually gets done a little on our own stuff, from a very fresh perspective. and that's what i feel here.
i also am reminded that although i have my share of challenges, barriers, and pain to work through, so does everyone else. maybe they don't show theirs as readily as i do, but it's there. and i certainly am not willing to trade my baggage for anyone else's. i know most of mine inside out, but yours is a mystery to me.
my friend michael and i have been working, disagreeing, debating, and compromising to create a place for some of the programs we have going here in denver. we have applied for not-for-profit status, and are hopeful. we have helped organize and nourish a couple of other hiv positive projects to get them off the ground, thinking that they might also be a good fit for what we are doing. now however it seems that there is rumbling that we are too structured and too far from the "community".
i couldn't objectively say whether they are right or wrong. from my perspective, we are part of "the community". but what others see is beyond my peripheral vision. our website is up now - on the ten i have started a new blog which is news and tidbits mostly, but there are some wonderful contributors.
today's sound choice is ani difranco with "32 flavors"
yes, I'm being followed by a moon shadow moon shadow - moon shadow leaping and hopping on a moon shadow moon shadow - moon shadow
went to a little campaign kickoff this evening. a colleague, mark, has thrown his hat into the ring as representative for district 5. something certainly is changing when i am participating in campaign kickoffs.
he's quite young, and has a good sense of public health where he has worked for the last 10 years or so. he is always doing interviews locally about his life as a father of two boys that he and his partner have had with a lesbian couple. these couples live next door to each other and share in the parenting of their kids.
i didn't stay long. i left my briefcase at the planning council meeting and there was a checkbook in it. i needed to snag that back as soon as i could. i also misplaced my pager today. i came home for lunch (as is my new habit) and took it off for some reason.
scatterbrained is what i have been today. i had a meeting at the hospital this morning and have secured my 2 1/2 day schedule there. met with some of the prinicipals and am setting off another mini-adventure within an adventure. discussing healthcare and lifestyles and tobacco and potsmoking. it really is an adventure and the by products of these conversations are beginning to show their skins- such as "the only thing i smoke is cock- if you consider that a drug"..
today's sound choice is cat stevens with "moon shadow"
Sometimes the way that you act makes me wonder What I am to you Sometimes I can't stand the way that I'm acting To be part of the things you do Often I've asked you for too much of your time Like I'm stealing And when I dream of the fear that you're leaving I reach out Oh baby then you
the days are rolling by. ideas pop in and out. possibilities jet out and recede. each day there is somehow an opening of my heart. i never could have guessed that i have so much farther to grow, but as i see it today, this carnation is only in its infancy.
remembering to keep my heart and hopes open is not always easy. and perfection certainly does not reside in my neighborhood. to keep trying is the best i can do.
i really think one of my groups is most amazing. each of them seems to be actually doing focused work and creating change in their lives. they have become supportive and trusting of each other and it's a joy to watch.
my friend mark wrote a short essay to commemorate his 25th year being positive which is being published in the being alive newsletter. it is also posted at on the ten. i invite you to share his thoughts and take them for a walk. he distinctly embodies the ideas i laid out in the preceding paragraphs. it never ceases to amaze at the tenderness and insight he brings to the surface.
i heard this song on pandora the other day. i fell in love with it all over again. and today i think i like the karen overton version best. "your loving arms" remixed by armin van buuren. i hope it wraps its lovin arms around you.....
7 Important Facts about Strength In Numbers (SIN):
SIN represents a global association of poz gay men (there is no technical "membership" ) Our belief is that any gay guy who has tested positive for HIV is a part of our movement. There's no membership fee as the price for entry has been costly enough already!
SIN respects your privacy and right to keep your HIV status confidential If you join one of our chapters or email lists, it is never shared with anyone. And we never ask guys in SIN to give us their full name or photo. We believe that everyone living with HIV/AIDS has the right to determine for themselves whether they want to tell no one, someone or everyone about their HIV status.
SIN has an extremely diverse participation (all ages, races, incomes, length in time of infection) The guys who participate in SIN groups or interact with other SIN chapters come from every walk of life. HIV is color-blind, infects at any age, doesn't disappear over decades, and never, to our knowledge, cared what "poz social group" someone claim allegiance. HIV causes AIDS if untreated, period. So we welcome everyone infected and affected by HIV/AIDS, but we also take care to stick to our mission of seeking to empower and improve the lives of poz gay men around the world.
SIN chapters are locally managed unless we're looking for a manager We have no paid staff so each local representation of Strength In Numbers is manned by volunteers who donate their spare time to moderate our message boards and coordinate social events for the group. Some of our chapters may not have an active manager at times, and in those cases managers from other cities will temporarily guide that group until a local manager is found. There are no official boards or committees in the SIN model, as we hope to avoid the political infighting and power struggles that have hampered so many other AIDS related organizations.
SIN is currently working on becoming a 501c3 tax exemption & doesn't (and never will) accept federal/state funding Too many times we've seen AIDS related groups turn into fundraising machines after they become an operating non-profit, quickly losing focus on their original mission. Once that happens, it seems they dictate to people living with HIV/AIDS rather than work hard to serve the best interests of their clients or ever try to involve their membership in their decision making process. When they take public funding, particularly from the federal government, usually they are saddled with a mass of complex and restrictive requirements including burdensome surveys to fill out at every event they administer. While we understand this sometimes is fundamentally necessary for AIDS service organizations (ASOs) offering expensive programs like housing or healthcare, SIN does not offer direct services and therefore we've sought to put off any need for 501c3 filing as long as possible. Currently we are funded entirely by our own contributions, with most costs for our main operations covered by myself as founder of SIN. We have been in the process of determining how best to approach a filing for 501c3 giving our unique mission and global outreach.
SIN seeks to collaborate and partner with other poz social groups When I started SIN in Los Angeles, it was like pulling teeth to get any of the ASOs to partner with us or dare to even think of collaborating through us with other agencies. My vision for Strength In Numbers has been to break down the territorial barriers that keep so many ASOs from working with each other. Again, our view is that HIV doesn't care about labels and doesn't see any borders itself, so why shouldn't ASOs work together as much as possible for the greater good. SIN chapters and our international headquarters work with almost every AIDS-related program we encounter, unless we feel that the relationship is not mutually respectful.
SIN focuses on empowering poz guys to have fun, meet each other in a healthy environment & support each other Despite some misconceptions over the years, we are not some covert HIV-prevention campaign run by the government or some ASO. Our belief is that by helping poz guys live better, happier lives they will take better care of themselves and thereby take better care of their sexual partners. SIN works to reduce the transmission and potential fatality of HIV infections by empowering HIV+ gay men to empower themselves. Our main mission though is to help poz guys meet each other, have fun and become as comfortable and happy as they possible can be.
Strength In Numbers (SIN) started as just a simple potluck party in the Hollywood Hills bringing together 50 or so single poz guys who were tired of rejection at bars or online. That was in September 2002, and now the SIN network reaches over 25,000 men. There are over 50 chapters of SIN social groups around the world (SIN NYC has 1500+ itself), some much more active than others, but we're all working on improving all of them. We also help local poz social groups that do not have the SIN name promote themselves and communicate with other groups like them. And this May we launch our 1st poz cruise retreat on the Carnival Splendor to Mexico (www.sincruise. com).
Learn more about SIN at our main website: www.strengthinnumbers.org
Strength In Numbers: Together we're helping poz guys find their strength within!
Copyright 2009, Strength In Numbers International, Inc.
thanks b2u for indulging my emotions this week. i am undergoing a culture shock and am doing my best to keep my head above water. but goodness knows i really needed a change and i believe the universe is looking out for me once again. i also find that some of my values may have been slipping back into a more selfish realm, definitely a side effect of fear and insecurity. i hope i am recognizing this in time and can make the necessary adjustments to get back to looking at the world with loving eyes. oh yeah, and a loving heart. i am to be conducting interviews over the next year and making referrals to treatment as well as developing a support mechanism for the clinic i will be working in. i am humbled and thrilled at the opportunity, but feel much more blessed that the team i am working with are already in my corner and have been actively working to bring me on board. in the referrals to treatment arena, the conversation i knew had to happen did just that. it is with reference to an experience that i have worked through, but perhaps not let go. ergo- resentment. and resentments really are poison. i know that the more i hold onto it, the more distorted my perception. honestly, i am working on this. forgiving an abuser has proven not to be a simple thing for me. in turn, however, it sets me up to re-enact that abuse, which is something i very much want no part. but no matter how much i try to cover up and disguise my past hurt, i am pretty sure you can still see the tracks of my tears.
today's sound choice is this season's idol frontrunner- adam lambert with "tracks of my tears"
Vance Havner The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.
today is the first registration day for the one on one peer mentoring training in denver. we have participants coming from the 4 corners of colorado and trainers coming from nyc. i look forward to a very enlightening experience.
i will be setting up later today at colorado aids project (who is generously donating their space) and then setting up the registration at the zuni residence inn. and finally, i will pick up two cakes that were ordered for the kick-off party tomorrow evening. btw, the small group from denver gay men's chorus has graciously consented to sing a few songs to bring us good fortune.
inside, i am a little giddy. it's been quite a bit of work on the entire rebuilt+ committee's part, and it's almost dreamlike to see it here. it's my feeling that our local poz community needs a shot in the arm. let's hope this can jump start a new era.
happy st patricks day to y'all and top o' the morning. another spring has arrived and life seems quite good. i have begun to walk the park as i have taken the entire fall and winter off (and gained significant weight i might add). it was challenging yesterday just for me to get the 3 1/2 miles around.
the peer mentoring training (hiv one on one) starts on saturday. our out of town guests will check in to their hotels on friday. this is exciting and no doubt will be an adventure. we are hosting a party on saturday night and also a farewell dinner on tuesday night. lots of things happening.
on thursday evening i am scheduled to attend the first board meeting for ten. it should be interesting to say the least. i have found myself feeling a myriad of things with regard to this project. the good thing is that i'm learning i'm entitled to my feelings, whether they are helpful or not.
and i still wait to hear about a new gig which will no doubt change my life enourmously. i haven't worked a 40 hour a week job since last year, and it may take some readjusting. and i don't know if i've even approached the land of "i didn't get it", but that may need to be visited, too.
