CLOCK DVA 4 Hours 1981

 

image credit... alex ibsen 

This is a visual and aural slice of my 80's. The saturated color, the frenetic funmaking, the odd pairings, camp and macabre- sometimes when i look back, i smile. sometimes i wince. mostly, i remember the music. it soothed me and cajoled me and carried me to the next round.

This midmorning awakening

This bleak whiteness, nothingness

The eye that stares through your mirror

A suction entanglement

On stained sheets

Figures with no regrets

Their doubts caste a shadow here

The time drifts

The time swells

The skies melt

In my dream I am older

Everything is soft out of focus

There's this sound which disturbs me

A clarinet plays in the distance

Everything turns black and white

I must go to work

I know where it is

I've been there before

I'll go there this time

They will not have to force me

I'll go there willingly

I'll go there today

This could be New York

This could be London

I don't care anymore

I'm wearing this suit

A black suit

I'm wearing this time

A black tie

I'm carrying this case

A black case

I walk down the street

The people are staring

The taxi cab is slower

A piano falls from above

It smashes in front of me

I fall to the floor

I open this door

I'm back in my room

I see two people asleep

This midmorning awakening

This bleak grey whiteness, nothingness

The eye that stares through your mirror

I see two figures asleep

They look older

You look Older

We're all older

Let us join them in their dreams

We're only four hours

We're only four moments

We're only here too long

growing up beside you

image credit ... last.fm

if anyone has been following this blog for a length of time, you will know i have developed a passion for paolo nutini. i am not sure what it is, but i know i love his voice, his music, and his aura. so this weekend i think i'll pull out the cds and revisit the treasure.

i am having coffee with an old friend this weekend as well. we have been trying to work together on a project, but it just hasn't come to fruition. doesn't mean i won't keep trying. life goes on and i work to run beside it. i am finding that i may just need to work a little harder to stay in the race.

dr. allen berger lays out 12 smart things to do when the booze and drugs are gone in his book of the same name. i thought i'd lay them out here as a sort of mantra. i find that with some clean time under my belt, the onset of emotional sobriety is the new frontier.

here are dr. berger's thoughts.
1)  know yourself- and how to stay centered.
2)  stop allowing others to edit your reality.
3)  stop taking things personally.
4)  own your projections as an act of integrity.
5)  confront yourself for the sake of your integrity.
6)  stop pressuring others to change and instead pressure yourself to change.
7)  develop a healthy perspective toward yourself, your feelings, and your emotional themes.
8)  appreciate what is.
9)  comfort yourself when you are hurt or disappointed.
10) use your personal compass to guide your life
11) embrace relationship tensions as the fuel for personal growth
12) the "problem" is not the real problem"

bits o' red white and blue

image credit...Kenneth Cappello

it is 4th of July weekend and i'm very happy for the 3 days. i am much less busy these days as i have let go of my second job. it a mixed bag blessing as i miss the 12K annually and feel that in my monthly budget, but i also have had much more time to just be which has afforded me some depth in my perception of my life.

last friday a colleague and i spoke to a group of african women refugees who are living with hiv. their perspective on the disease is very much contrasted with ours in the states- at least those of us living with it for over 20 years. they still deal with gang rape, stigma, asylum, and death, whereas stateside we have become much less fearful and integrated it into our lives. as we shared our experiences and thoughts about this, there was a visible and collective sigh of relief expressed both verbally and in body language after the interpreters did their work.

all in all it was a very powerful 2 hours for me. i still find it amazing that something i carried around as stigma and in fear can be of such use to others. i'll just put another silver dollar in my recovery piggy bank.

a friend has been struggling with his addiction for most of his adult life. he got sober for about a year but when he was scheduled to go back to his hometown for the holiday, what may have been the overwhelming guilt and emotion cause a restart of his tango with addiction. a week ago friday he was found dead on a bike path near curtis park- no doubt the benzos and some booze are at the heart of the matter for him. i felt some sadness, but an eerie overwhelming sense of relief as well. he really is not enduring the frustration of his situation, nor the aggravation of his ability to manipulate his situation any longer.

as i wait for an opportunity to apply for a promotion, i am again considering the idea of pre-treatment as an additional option for folks who are using. it seems that combining this under the umbrella of recovery support services may make sense. people who are using often have difficulty imagining that anyone lives and thrives without using. and a drop in support group may address this in a peer-educator and culturally competent way.

i thought about the fact that i used to often find myself at the refrigerator door, opening it, and looking in- even though i didn't want anything. it was more a thing that i just did. i remembered also that i used to get high in just the same way, often because i was listless without direction and just had nothing better to do. i have found new things to do.

no matter how many times i hear this song, i absolutely love it. and maybe now i have a slightly deeper connection to its meaning.

So open your eyes child,
Let’s be on our way.
Broken windows and ashes
Are guiding the way.


Keep quiet no longer,
We’ll sing through the day,
Of the lives that we’ve lost,
And the lives we’ve reclaimed.

under the covers

i stumbled across this version of the lady antebellum grammy winner of 2010. adele's ease with song continues to amaze me and give me a smile.

meth minute

new rules

leave a light on

it's a busy week for me. 5 doubles and yesterday in the sun. i'm a bit red and a bit tired. the recovery event was a blast. there were many speakers and cheering. the bill up before the house and senate brings hope.

taking a break today. simple post. maybe read up a little on the paul wellstone act. leave a light on till i get back..


the new david cook single.

we love the killers

changes have mostly become natural now. i am persistently changing and consistently letting go. it's sometimes trying and often challenging. it is also peaceful now and then.

i am jumping the gun a bit here, but sunday will four years of sobriety for me. i am completely blown away by the transformation. you know, i always share in meetings that i have felt like a piece of shit my whole life. somehow broken. somehow not right. but since i have gotten clean and enlarged my spiritual life, things have changed. i still feel like a piece of shit now and again, but i don't have to medicate myself to get out of it, and i don't land on those thoughts any longer. i have learned how to change them when they come my way.

this is one of the promises coming true for me. i never would have believed that i wouldn't always think very little of myself. but i am learning not to think that way. it feels strange, but very good.

i have started a dui counseling position and am working 2 nights a week. one therapy group is particularly challenging for me. they have been together a long time and have gone through several counselors. one client is particularly resistant. they have the habit of talking while anyone else is talking, bringing consistent sarcasm to any idea of change, blaming the judicial system for unfair punishment, and making complete light of any curriculum to be used. with only 8 or so classes left out of 34, this client came to group last night completely unprepared to present a required project, did not bring their book, threw gum to each of the participants while others were speaking, and gave a plan for the future comprised of stockpiling food and water, and moving into a shelter for the inevitable nuclear war between iran and iraq.

i lost my cool. i didn't actually lose my temper, but i let the client get to me. it's so ridiculous for me to lose face. i know better. but i also know the client is fighting liver shut down. i know that underneath all that redirection is frustation, fear, and probably anger. i know all that and yet i react like an asshole.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

i saw it in the window

time away

photocredit: ruben mendiola (mykonos)

"Art washes away from the soul
the dust of everyday life." Pablo Picasso

some thoughts on time away i have come across:

subtraction

inevitable

photo credit gladys

“The beginning of atonement is the sense of its necessity.” Lord Byron

whatever happened to "there's nothing to forgive because there is no such thing as sin?"

each day i blog, i believe i am working on transgression. for me, this daily journaling and writing hopefully brings me closer to forgiveness and closer to being connected with the world around me in a new way.

i journal, i blog, i write, partly because i seek absolution. i know on a very real level, this is completely a moot point. this would be easily confirmed by the lessons i learn in a course in miracles. yet it is important that i work diligently in this direction. the more clearly i see and share my truth, the more my heart opens. this is at once challenging and very rewarding. my heart is opening, my world expands, and all the while my vision of the world grows along with this.

from wikipedia:
The atonement is a doctrine found within both Christianity and Judaism. It describes how sin can be forgiven by God. In Judaism, Atonement is said to be the process of forgiving or pardoning a transgression. This was originally accomplished through rituals performed by a High Priest on the holiest day of the Jewish year: Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement). In Christian theology the atonement refers to the forgiving or pardoning of sin through the death by crucifixion of Jesus Christ which made possible the reconciliation between God and creation.

Atonement is Inevitable

Free will does not mean
We can remain forever separated
From our Creator.

We can indeed
Choose to believe
In the illusion
Of separation,

And play in the fields
Of duality.

Eventually, however the
Suffering the world
Of opposites engenders
Becomes intolerable
And we seek a better way.

That way leads to Atonement
And reunion with our Creator
The Oneness
That we are.

" Twin Souls"

John and Rev. Ananda McIntosh

write on....

i feel it all

photo credit: shining ones

"The difference between my will and God's will is that my will starts out easy and gets hard, and God's will starts out hard and gets easy."

A perfect example of this quote is the program itself. My will told me it was much easier to keep using and doing what I was doing then to work the program and the steps. Of course, my will may have appeared easier at first, but oh how hard that path was. By contrast, God's will for me was to recover, and though it was hard at first my life is infinitely better and life truly is easier.

The main problem with my will is that it is first and foremost about me. It tricks me into believing that if I take care of my wants first, then I'll be able to help another -- of course I usually find out that my wants are insatiable, and I quickly become lost in their demands.

God's will, on the other hand, is usually about helping others and with what's right for all concerned -- the whole picture in which I am just part. While this seems backwards to me at times, I always find out that when I'm able to surrender to God's will, my real wants and needs are met and exceeded in ways I never could have imagined.

These days it's easier for me to differentiate between my will and God's will, and more and more I'm able to make the right choice. Ultimately. it's about being comfortable in my own skin, and only choosing God's guarantees me that.

from ezinearticles.com

well, i have exhausted my capacity to be angry about this last situation. hope, serenity, and laughter have found their way back into my heart. it has been 3 months now since i fell into an emotional hole, and almost 2 since i had the second rug pulled out from under me with regard to my vocation. i don't call it a career as it was still so new. i had really only been engaged in it about 2 years, so i don't think it qualifies as a career. and i am not sure if i will continue with counseling as a profession.

i have certainly run the gamut with regard to emotions on this one. i have been much angrier than i like to admit. i have felt betrayed. i have felt used. i have felt crazy. i have felt sad and i have felt like a failure. i have felt cheated. i have felt relieved in some ways, because i knew some things at that workplace were (and are) terribly wrong.

i took the time to speak with a legal representative and we talked for about 2 hours about the entire situation. it was very much like purging and it was also really helpful. i received some guidance with regard to possible direction and avenues for me to pursue. clearly, for me, there are a couple of actions that i need to take.
and he strongly urged that i am clear on my motives.

i agree. i don't want sour grapes to be the thing that propels me into the future. i received a call from the AIDS healthcare unit at the state health department, inquiring if i would be interested in doing some contract work for a short time. the income would be very helpful. they are very interested in the newsletter and it's potential to bring poz men into care. it is simply a conversation, but i must say, it felt like validation for some of the work i have been doing, too. i felt hugged.

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” ...Dr. Seuss

planet unicorn

here's an episode i hadn't seen until today. yukky debbie..

take it slow

i went to a committee meeting yesterday and it focused on their next year plan. i then came home and worked on getting submissions for the newsletter as well as worked on some other things. change is not always easy to saddle. i really expect myself to be much more grounded than i am. or maybe i am doing really great and i just dont' see it.

i starting running the park about 3 weeks ago and have not been able to keep it up. somehow my knee really hurts, so i have only been able to walk the 3 1/2 miles. i am trying to do this at least 4x week. it does help my attitude and head in the morning.

i guess i can let go of having to decide what all my plans are for the immediate time being. perhaps i would do better to start to build a strong plan and foundation for what is next, not just tomorrow, but down line as well. i know all this, i forget sometimes. i become impatient and want everything fixed -NOW...

Easy Does It is usually a good solution
Easy Does It! is often a good solution to what some refer to as 'monkey mind,' particularly if we add a couple of deep breaths!

One of the best uses for Easy Does It! is to quiet the internal demand for instant perfection, whether that demand is about working our Program or being with our family, our work, income or any other area in our lives.

When we come to Program we have lots of work to do, and trying to get everything done all at once, and perfectly, is a sure path toward failure.

for more read here

you really got me

They're Asking About You
I’ve been tagged by northwest at blog schmog The rules are:
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1) What was I doing 10 yrs ago?

I was a corporate travel agent preparing to transfer to San Francisco within my company.

2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

1. Hit the coffeehouse
2. Go to a meeting
3. work on resume
4. pray
5. blog

3) Snacks I enjoy:

Salt and Pepper kettle chips, dill pickles, swedish fish

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

1. Invest in my cousins ethanol project in Illinois.
2. Travel 3 full months out of the year. I would also extend an invitation to someone else new to accompany me every trip.
3. Develop a community center/ cafe for graying HIV positive citizens and graying LGBT citizens in my town with the hopes of fending off isolation issues.
4. Build 3 "green" homes- 1 in each- Illinois, Colorado, Guerneville.

5) Five of my bad habits:

1. Judgement
2. Going too quickly (last name is rushing after all)
3. Playing the victim.
4. Assuming the worst
5. Objectifying pretty men.

6) 5 places I have lived:

1. Chicago
2. Anaheim
3. Denver
4. Los Angeles
5. San Francisco

7) 5 jobs I have had:

1. Substance abuse counselor
2. Corporate travel agent
3. Go-go boy
4. Nightclub lighting tech
5. Butler

8) 5 peeps I wanna know more about:

1. Sheria
2. Chris
3. Willie
4. Doris
5. Steve

golden

i am wondering about so much and nothing at all at the same time. went to the planning council meeting last night and came home and had some pate, cheese, and olives for dinner. that was a real treat. haven't had that in a long, long time.

i'm participating in a training for teaching/counseling dui education and therapy. it's pretty dry but it is important. if some people can find a way to change the direction their lives are headed before the consequences get more costly, then everybody wins. but maybe that's a stretch. but i have some experience in this arena. i've had 3 dui's. the last one was in '96. i feel asleep at the wheel of my car, but luckily just drifted over to the side of the freeway. i woke up with no idea of how i got there. but i didn't think i had a problem. i'm damn lucky to be alive. i spent 9 days in jail. of course, i felt it was really inconvenient. it interrupted my drinking schedule. so, as i mentioned, i can related to some of the peeps in my groups.

the training class is being held in golden colorado which is nestled in the foothills. it's a small boutique western mountain town, and i am enjoying being somewhere else. it's a very quaint spot and surrounded by mesas.
colorado is indeed beautiful

and today i am thankful that i didn't harm anyone during those times. that i don't have more collateral damage to clean up as a result of my actions and my ignorance. and teaching dui classes is definitely a way for me to give back. and giving back helps me daily. i'm tryin to live my life like it's golden.

cherish the day

here is a pic of marc. we were having lunch at the abbey in west hollywood. it was a superior day.



i look pretty comfortable in this picture, eh? marc sent this pic which he took from his blogging spot. i really had a great weekend there. it was quite a trip for me. there were so many spots in west hollywood that i have a tweeking history with. almost every park i saw, many parking lots, a couple of neighborhoods, all held memories of being twacked and getting loaded. it was consistently like surfing a mine field and i had to consistently remind myself to let go of the fear or embrace the fear. and there was quite a bit of fear. but thank goodness, there was quite a bit of healing for me along with it. i definitely cherish this day.


the next few days i am very busy. i am in training for the next 2 days. i work on saturday, and then sunday i have plans for most of the day. i am hooking up with an old employer just to catch up and see what's happening. she has 2 kids and i haven't seen them for over a year. then SIN is having brunch on Sunday and i hope to promote a new idea i have for them.

i have rediscovered that i am not perfect(again) and i am struggling(again) with , that reality. you'd think i could easily digest my imperfection, but repeatedly i am somewhat undone by the realization that i fuck up, i misjudge, i overreact, i speak too quickly, and become impatient. it is a humbling process and i can honestly appreciate that. thank goodness i only have to get through this one day at a time. maybe tomorrow things will look a little differently. or maybe i'll be looking at something else entirely. and then maybe, i can just chill, relax, and cherish the day.....

bleeding

i'm typing this just before i leave for la. i'm listening to leona and i'm thinking "pop diva" but i don't care. i had lunch with a bud and we discussed the new career he is germinating. it was exciting to listen and to watch him speak of his life with such passion. he is so young and so charming and he has talent. he has been sober for 5 years and his self awareness is recognizable and respectable. no doubt he will encounter success.

he was talking about some of his self-talk and he was noting its mirror in "the artist's way". our brains like to do things that have already been done, but really can give us a hard time when we are trying to do something we haven't done before.

finally

We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.

pema chodron

i am including a couple of quotes that i found inspiring today. i know that change is happening around me. and i know i don't know where my life is heading. i am, however, regaining my faith in my path. man it is so incredibly challenging for me to find trust when i am passing through another gateway without certainty of the next stop. but i have to keep trying to believe in tomorrow.

Faith is a process of leaping into the abyss not on the basis of any certainty about ~where~ we shall land, but rather on the belief that we ~shall~ land.”

carter heywerd

dreams

spence wearing his mom's bifocals... ain't he cute?

some random things leftover from sunday


i had repeat dreams on saturday evening. i slept very unsoundly and woke up several times. i dreamt twice that i was living in an apartment that was split by a public hallway. the unit was on the ground level and the bedroom was on one side of the hall and the rest of the unit was on the other. the bedroom was broken into and robbed. all my clothing was gone. i opened my closet and there was nothing there.

the other one.. i was standing at what seemed to be belmont harbor in chicago and my current next door neighbor's mother had a small yacht heading in from lake michigan. the wind was fierce and picked the boats sail and tipped the boat over, knocking it top first into the water. it began to submerge quickly and i dove in to save her. i was swooshing down into the water as quickly as i could, but i couldn't keep up with the speed of the yacht sinking. i couldn't reach it.

i had both of these dreams twice.

i woke up feeling almost hung over. i have felt like that many times in my life, but not in the last few years. i realized i was blessed because i didn't have to worry about what was real. i knew these were dreams. i simply couldn't surmise the meanings.

ruben, alex, and i went to dinner on saturday after the meeting. i am feeling closer to these boys, the more time i spend with them. they are funny, smart, and very, very sweet.

went to a SIN breakfast on sunday morning. almost 20 guys! this is a great turnout for denver. and there were at least 5 new folks. we got 10 new members this week. i'm gonna work on a singles mixer.

am making a final decision about going to la for cmala at the end of this month. i have to check w/a friend to see if i can crash there and rent a car, or to get a hotel and not have transportation. another good friend of mine will be in la for a tony robbins workshop that same weekend.

drove up to my cousin's house near greeley and spent the night. we watched "the secret" and i went to bed early. i know that movie's concept very well, i guess i simply forget to make it a priority. it needs to be a priority. the following don henley lyrics could easily apply to the not-so-productive thoughts i have about myself:

I got the call today, I didnt wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

i thought you might like this version of these songs.... here are the lyrics for the first one... definitely poetry that speaks to me.