human

HH the Dalai Lama:
Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.

there is just so much that has been going on this week that i have hardly been able to keep up. but i am not complaining.... it's more like awe...

there was occasion on tuesday for me to acknowledge a friend in denver with regard to the more than 25 years of advocacy he has forged for the hiv population of colorado. he is tenacious and driven and often challenging to get on with. no doubt this is one reason he hasn't received a nod prior. he was obviously affected and i felt joy and a bit of pride (sorry to say).

i am beginning to come to terms with the realization that i am unable to immediately help everyone that comes my way at work. this is no surprise in most of the other work i do, however with the new gig, i am finding i am only human as well. no superpowers here. my heart tore earlier this week as i watched a person squirm inside being driven by self-sabotage. this is humbling at best...

have been walking on eggshells before this week and repeatedly finding myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. after all, my inability and incompetence will be found out. it is revealed that i don't believe i deserve to be happy, or maybe don't trust my colleagues (especially after last year's scandalous debacle from my former counselor/employer). i am actively working on letting that go.

went to see a new medical person this week. not too many changes in my routine. same tests, same meds, just new digs in which to do them. i am curious if my weight will start to drop with the exercise and re-integration of bio-algae, and if there is a way to return my sense of taste.

finally, an old friend from san francisco has contacted me by email today. i really liked him. he's funny, smart, and pretty savvy. he was partnered with the owner of the restaurant where i worked at fisherman's wharf. he made me smile. we went to see (and hear) david sedaris, too. i loved that.

but he also did crystal. we didn't really do it together. once i started using, i lost interest in others. i just started disappearing when i was high. i couldn't keep up with social relationships at all. my old boss got fed up and stopped talking to me. never saw my friend much before i drove across the bay bridge for so-cal for the last time. not sure what will come from this correspondence..

my life has expanded. my ability to move within its weavings has become nimble. i am discovering "rolling with resistance" in my life. and i am opening as a morning glory would.

i could not resist the sound choice for today.. the quintessential 80's human league with "human"

we love the killers

changes have mostly become natural now. i am persistently changing and consistently letting go. it's sometimes trying and often challenging. it is also peaceful now and then.

i am jumping the gun a bit here, but sunday will four years of sobriety for me. i am completely blown away by the transformation. you know, i always share in meetings that i have felt like a piece of shit my whole life. somehow broken. somehow not right. but since i have gotten clean and enlarged my spiritual life, things have changed. i still feel like a piece of shit now and again, but i don't have to medicate myself to get out of it, and i don't land on those thoughts any longer. i have learned how to change them when they come my way.

this is one of the promises coming true for me. i never would have believed that i wouldn't always think very little of myself. but i am learning not to think that way. it feels strange, but very good.

i have started a dui counseling position and am working 2 nights a week. one therapy group is particularly challenging for me. they have been together a long time and have gone through several counselors. one client is particularly resistant. they have the habit of talking while anyone else is talking, bringing consistent sarcasm to any idea of change, blaming the judicial system for unfair punishment, and making complete light of any curriculum to be used. with only 8 or so classes left out of 34, this client came to group last night completely unprepared to present a required project, did not bring their book, threw gum to each of the participants while others were speaking, and gave a plan for the future comprised of stockpiling food and water, and moving into a shelter for the inevitable nuclear war between iran and iraq.

i lost my cool. i didn't actually lose my temper, but i let the client get to me. it's so ridiculous for me to lose face. i know better. but i also know the client is fighting liver shut down. i know that underneath all that redirection is frustation, fear, and probably anger. i know all that and yet i react like an asshole.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr