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Saturday, May 30, 2009


HH the Dalai Lama:
Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.

there is just so much that has been going on this week that i have hardly been able to keep up. but i am not complaining.... it's more like awe...

there was occasion on tuesday for me to acknowledge a friend in denver with regard to the more than 25 years of advocacy he has forged for the hiv population of colorado. he is tenacious and driven and often challenging to get on with. no doubt this is one reason he hasn't received a nod prior. he was obviously affected and i felt joy and a bit of pride (sorry to say).

i am beginning to come to terms with the realization that i am unable to immediately help everyone that comes my way at work. this is no surprise in most of the other work i do, however with the new gig, i am finding i am only human as well. no superpowers here. my heart tore earlier this week as i watched a person squirm inside being driven by self-sabotage. this is humbling at best...

have been walking on eggshells before this week and repeatedly finding myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. after all, my inability and incompetence will be found out. it is revealed that i don't believe i deserve to be happy, or maybe don't trust my colleagues (especially after last year's scandalous debacle from my former counselor/employer). i am actively working on letting that go.

went to see a new medical person this week. not too many changes in my routine. same tests, same meds, just new digs in which to do them. i am curious if my weight will start to drop with the exercise and re-integration of bio-algae, and if there is a way to return my sense of taste.

finally, an old friend from san francisco has contacted me by email today. i really liked him. he's funny, smart, and pretty savvy. he was partnered with the owner of the restaurant where i worked at fisherman's wharf. he made me smile. we went to see (and hear) david sedaris, too. i loved that.

but he also did crystal. we didn't really do it together. once i started using, i lost interest in others. i just started disappearing when i was high. i couldn't keep up with social relationships at all. my old boss got fed up and stopped talking to me. never saw my friend much before i drove across the bay bridge for so-cal for the last time. not sure what will come from this correspondence..

my life has expanded. my ability to move within its weavings has become nimble. i am discovering "rolling with resistance" in my life. and i am opening as a morning glory would.

i could not resist the sound choice for today.. the quintessential 80's human league with "human"


1 comment:

Java said...

It always surprises me on some level when I can't help everyone with every problem. And I am confronted with that truth regularly. You'd think I'd quit expecting perfection from myself, but no.

I am pleased that you are doing so well in your new position. Even though you have doubts about yourself, you continue to do the things you know to do for the people you work with. And it works. And eventually you will realize that indeed you are pretty good at this. This is my prediction.

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