human

HH the Dalai Lama:
Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.

there is just so much that has been going on this week that i have hardly been able to keep up. but i am not complaining.... it's more like awe...

there was occasion on tuesday for me to acknowledge a friend in denver with regard to the more than 25 years of advocacy he has forged for the hiv population of colorado. he is tenacious and driven and often challenging to get on with. no doubt this is one reason he hasn't received a nod prior. he was obviously affected and i felt joy and a bit of pride (sorry to say).

i am beginning to come to terms with the realization that i am unable to immediately help everyone that comes my way at work. this is no surprise in most of the other work i do, however with the new gig, i am finding i am only human as well. no superpowers here. my heart tore earlier this week as i watched a person squirm inside being driven by self-sabotage. this is humbling at best...

have been walking on eggshells before this week and repeatedly finding myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. after all, my inability and incompetence will be found out. it is revealed that i don't believe i deserve to be happy, or maybe don't trust my colleagues (especially after last year's scandalous debacle from my former counselor/employer). i am actively working on letting that go.

went to see a new medical person this week. not too many changes in my routine. same tests, same meds, just new digs in which to do them. i am curious if my weight will start to drop with the exercise and re-integration of bio-algae, and if there is a way to return my sense of taste.

finally, an old friend from san francisco has contacted me by email today. i really liked him. he's funny, smart, and pretty savvy. he was partnered with the owner of the restaurant where i worked at fisherman's wharf. he made me smile. we went to see (and hear) david sedaris, too. i loved that.

but he also did crystal. we didn't really do it together. once i started using, i lost interest in others. i just started disappearing when i was high. i couldn't keep up with social relationships at all. my old boss got fed up and stopped talking to me. never saw my friend much before i drove across the bay bridge for so-cal for the last time. not sure what will come from this correspondence..

my life has expanded. my ability to move within its weavings has become nimble. i am discovering "rolling with resistance" in my life. and i am opening as a morning glory would.

i could not resist the sound choice for today.. the quintessential 80's human league with "human"

on the 9th day

What else should I be
All apologies
What else could I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

on the 9th day of christmas, my true love gave to me.. an understanding of the need to make amends, and when they are made appropriately and without reservation there are to be 9 or more promises fulfilled. one promise reads- we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

I think it's important for those of us with a dual disorder to make certain we are ready to do this process. I wouldn't recommend it if you were in the middle of changing your meds, or weren't pretty stable for awhile. I didn't get all of my amends made till I had nearly two years of recovery. I made my list and worked on it but a couple of the amends were potentially pretty triggering events. I was willing but just not ready till I was ready.

here is the response i sent to my correspondant:

I am surprised and saddened by your letter. Firstly, I feel responsible because at the Council Meeting with the Mayor, I felt hesitant about responding fully to your inquiries because of our location and our task that eveniing. My intention was (and is) to fully make myself available for discussion on those items in question at future meetings. I just didn't feel it was appropriate at that particular venue to dive into the subject further. That very scenario was the 1st item on our Leadership Committee meeting agenda. But this was not communicated clearly to you and the rest of The Council and I need to take responsibility for that. I truly am sorry.

I personally know that your voice is welcomed (needed really) in this leadership environment. I have never heard anything said that would indicate anything else. The tone of your letter indicates that you are unhappy about something and feel as if we have let you down. I feel helpless with this because I had no indication that you felt this way. And now I am saddened because you give us no opportunity to work through this situation either.

The rest of us are volunteers, too. We have many things on our plate and try to move through business as best we can and as thoughtfully as we can. And sometimes oversight will happen. But if we are to grow and be able to work together, we need to be able to disagree and do it with good intention. Just as largely diverse as The Planning Council needs to be, so our patience and expectation of good intent from each other must be.

You are especially needed specifically because of your experience and history. This is a great portion of the value you offer. You understand the nuances of sitting in waiting rooms of clinics in ways that most of the leadership does not. This is part of the strength you bring to our work. Everyone that I know understands this and values it. You have worked hard to get the understanding of how all this "committee" work happens and I would implore you pause before walking away. Expect us to listen, trust that we have good intentions, disagree with us at the table, although perhaps not when we are scheduled to meet the mayor, and we will indeed listen, we need to. Or schedule a small meeting with the Leadership Committee and we can touch on this if you are hesitant with the entire PC present.

As someone who has known you for a long time, I would like to just say that I can understand that circumstances are challenging right now. I cannot even begin to comprehend the stress you are living with. In my conversations with almost everyone on this email list, I have only heard the following:
We care about you. We would love to help in any way we can. We are here if you want to talk. If you need a break, we understand. Please don't walk away thinking anything other than these facts. And don't walk away.

With True Affection

Me


on the 9th day of christmas, my true love gave to me
at least 9 promises
a thoughtful way to engage a toxic cleanup
a 7th day to rest, reflect, and recharge
a 6 foot carriage to safety
a 5 alarm avalanche
a brand new self portrait, a new way to see "me" in 4 dimensions
a decision in 3 parts- i can't, god can, i think i'll let her
a 2nd chance
an opportunity to learn to listen and be heard

todays sound choice is total grunge.. nirvana doing "all apologies"

rocketed

"we have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed,"

there are so so many things about my life today that i had never even conceived possible for me. i find myself in the middle of events and conversations and thoughts that are so contrary to how i have lived most of my life, it's astounding. i can definitely testify that i never could have dreamed that i would feel so peaceful inside. i never envisioned my priorities drifting so far from how things look on the outside to how things feel on the inside. i didn't think it possible that i would shy away from taking responsibility for almost anything that went awry and that i would learn to take responsibility for my reactions to the circumstances in my life and honestly desire to work through those. i never imagined that any part of my life would be so without frenzy, yet most of it is drama-free today.

here's a couple of breakdowns of what i'm talking about.

one day, a few years ago, i am utterly miserable because i have been getting so high for so long that i have forgotten how to function, and all my brain can tell me is that nothing will make me feel better. then-after working the steps with a sponsor, and following some suggestions from other addicts, i find that i do feel better and i can remember hope and dreams.

one day, a few months ago, i find myself struggling with feeling like a lost lonely and preyed upon little boy who is writhing with emotional pain. the only relief i had ever known was to get loaded. -however, after utilizing the tools of a recovery program, the promises again shine through. i reconnect with a higher source and soon i remember that i am not at the wheel, and find the space to feel confidence and trust that i will be okay no matter what happens.


these 2 seemingly small incidents are much more than that for me. they demonstrate the structure of my previous addiction and the cornerstone of my wellness. they are without a doubt, miracles in my life. it continues to be hella better than i could have imagined.

and what i know is that i am not special. i am an ordinary man. if such miracles can occur in my life, then i am damn sure they can materialize for anyone. it does take work, and cooperation and humility. and the only thing i had to change was everything. and simply put, that is how everything changed..