on the 9th day

What else should I be
All apologies
What else could I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

on the 9th day of christmas, my true love gave to me.. an understanding of the need to make amends, and when they are made appropriately and without reservation there are to be 9 or more promises fulfilled. one promise reads- we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

I think it's important for those of us with a dual disorder to make certain we are ready to do this process. I wouldn't recommend it if you were in the middle of changing your meds, or weren't pretty stable for awhile. I didn't get all of my amends made till I had nearly two years of recovery. I made my list and worked on it but a couple of the amends were potentially pretty triggering events. I was willing but just not ready till I was ready.

here is the response i sent to my correspondant:

I am surprised and saddened by your letter. Firstly, I feel responsible because at the Council Meeting with the Mayor, I felt hesitant about responding fully to your inquiries because of our location and our task that eveniing. My intention was (and is) to fully make myself available for discussion on those items in question at future meetings. I just didn't feel it was appropriate at that particular venue to dive into the subject further. That very scenario was the 1st item on our Leadership Committee meeting agenda. But this was not communicated clearly to you and the rest of The Council and I need to take responsibility for that. I truly am sorry.

I personally know that your voice is welcomed (needed really) in this leadership environment. I have never heard anything said that would indicate anything else. The tone of your letter indicates that you are unhappy about something and feel as if we have let you down. I feel helpless with this because I had no indication that you felt this way. And now I am saddened because you give us no opportunity to work through this situation either.

The rest of us are volunteers, too. We have many things on our plate and try to move through business as best we can and as thoughtfully as we can. And sometimes oversight will happen. But if we are to grow and be able to work together, we need to be able to disagree and do it with good intention. Just as largely diverse as The Planning Council needs to be, so our patience and expectation of good intent from each other must be.

You are especially needed specifically because of your experience and history. This is a great portion of the value you offer. You understand the nuances of sitting in waiting rooms of clinics in ways that most of the leadership does not. This is part of the strength you bring to our work. Everyone that I know understands this and values it. You have worked hard to get the understanding of how all this "committee" work happens and I would implore you pause before walking away. Expect us to listen, trust that we have good intentions, disagree with us at the table, although perhaps not when we are scheduled to meet the mayor, and we will indeed listen, we need to. Or schedule a small meeting with the Leadership Committee and we can touch on this if you are hesitant with the entire PC present.

As someone who has known you for a long time, I would like to just say that I can understand that circumstances are challenging right now. I cannot even begin to comprehend the stress you are living with. In my conversations with almost everyone on this email list, I have only heard the following:
We care about you. We would love to help in any way we can. We are here if you want to talk. If you need a break, we understand. Please don't walk away thinking anything other than these facts. And don't walk away.

With True Affection

Me


on the 9th day of christmas, my true love gave to me
at least 9 promises
a thoughtful way to engage a toxic cleanup
a 7th day to rest, reflect, and recharge
a 6 foot carriage to safety
a 5 alarm avalanche
a brand new self portrait, a new way to see "me" in 4 dimensions
a decision in 3 parts- i can't, god can, i think i'll let her
a 2nd chance
an opportunity to learn to listen and be heard

todays sound choice is total grunge.. nirvana doing "all apologies"

enabler

one of the more difficult and challenging aspects of getting clean is to change people, places, and activities. this is partly due to enabling. all those people we partied with will most definitely enable us to continue. just because we are changing our habits is by no means any indication that they are going to change theirs or become aware of any of our desires to change. quite the opposite, if we are changing around them, they might be inclined to start thinking about their own use and habits. and they probably are not ready to consider that at all. and it's easy to believe that they would do everything in their power to avoid thinking about change. i know i did.


i found this definition of enabler( along with more) on wisegeek

An enabler in most definitions is a person who through his or her actions allows someone else to achieve something. Most often the term enabler is associated with people who allow loved ones to behave in ways that are destructive. For example, an enabler wife of an alcoholic might continue to provide the husband with alcohol. A person might be an enabler of a gambler or compulsive spender by lending them money to get out of debt.

In this fashion, though the enabler may be acting out of love and trying to help or protect a person, he or she is actually making a chronic problem like an addiction worse. By continuing to lend money to the gambler, for example, the gambler doesn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. Someone is there to bail him out of trouble and continue to enable his behavior.

The term enabler is also part of the larger definition of codependency. Codependency at first arose as a definition of adaptive behaviors a person might make if he or she lives with someone with substance abuse or severe emotional problems. A codependent tends to remain so, because he or she adapts to or ignores the behaviors of the ill person. In fact, the codependent often becomes an enabler because it allows one to be involved in fewer conflicts.

if this resembles you or a loved one, perhaps you are not helping your loved one by holding them back from the reality of their behaviors. it is believed that you could be as sick as the person with the addiction and contributing to their demise as well as your own. you can find more information and perhaps assistance at coda.