How can I be sure ?
When your intrusion is my illusion
How can I be sure
When all the time you changed my mind
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure
When you don’t give me love
You gave me pale shelter
You don’t give me love
You give me cold hands
And I can’t operate on this failure
When all I want to be is
Completely in command
How can I be sure
For all you say you keep me waiting
How can I be sure
When all you do is see me through
I asked for more and more
How can I be sure
I’ve been here before
There is no why, no need to try
I thought you had it all
I’m calling you, I’m calling you
I ask for more and more
How can I be sure
no need for words from me today.... just silent prayer from sarah mclachan to you....
Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay Theres always one reason To feel not good enough And its hard at the end of the day I need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seeps from my veins Let me be empty And weightless and maybe Ill find some peace tonight
i have been working on two independent posts, just doing some research and tossing around ideas in my head. i then realized that they are completely the same topic- which is bug chasing of sorts, so i am going to post both of them together. i know that much is said in my circles about the concept of hiv being an inevitable in many young and older gay men's minds. i find this fact disturbing- which of course does not have any affect on said fact at all, but it is disturbing.
i think that condom use is not a realistic plan for all gay men. i'm sure it works and has worked for many. but i am also sure that there is something symbolically counterintuitive about getting close to someone else and placing a barrier to do so. this is not perhaps a "best thinking" direction, but i believe it has merit. there is also the "bad boy-rule breaker" school of thought which is a trait that many gay men find sexy, attractive, and irresistable in other men.
i wonder if we can open a new dialogue that would be more likely to address the concerns of today's gay men. the panic driven, one-option solution of the past is outgrown. i believe mircrobicide research, honoring your partner, fucking with a conscience, a return to pricktease, may be things that would reopen dialogue. these are only guesses though. i know i certainly would love to see gay men honoring each other much more visibly and much more sincerely.
here are the posts. they are titled- 1) abysmal baptismal ..... 2)in love with dying ..... make sure to look for "ponch" in the 2nd vid .....
from wikipedia:
By analogy, the English word "baptism" is used of any ceremony, trial, or experience by which one is initiated, purified, or given a name.[2] See Other initiation ceremonies below.
is seroconverting to hiv positive a rite of passage for gay men? is it inevitable? is it almost something to surrender to?
Why Do Healthy Men Want To Be Infected? There are some very strong beliefs at work among men who bareback looking for HIV infection.
No More Isolation For some men, being infected is a way out of their isolation and loneliness. Social stigmas and prejudices add to an already strong feeling of isolation. The belief is that once infected, they will be welcomed into a supportive community where prejudice and stigma does not exist. For these men, HIV is a rite of passage into the gay community. Being positive gets you into the "family."
A Different Perspective When asked about being infected, men who are seeking out HIV infection show little fear. These feel HIV is simply a nuisance that can be treated with a few pills; a small price to pay to be a member of such a close knit group. One gay man reported an incredible feeling of belonging when he learned of his positive HIV status. Just as a teen-age boy joins a gang to belong to a family, so does the gay man who practice barebacking in hopes of becoming HIV positive.
A Sense of Relief Others who become infected feel a profound sense of relief. Some sexually active gay men grow tired of living with the uncertainty of if and when they will become HIV positive. Some are so troubled by that uncertainty that multiple HIV tests become the only means of dealing with what they feel is the inevitable. One man's face glowed with a sense of relief after his doctor told him he had been infected. He would never again have to worry if he had been infected because now he knew he had.
A Sense of Intimacy Still others are longing for a sense of intimacy. To these men, anal sex feels better and more intimate without condoms. They feel condoms decrease sensitivity and spontaniety. Others feel barebacking is a type of sexual intimacy they equate with mating and infection is equated with impregnating. Some even go as far as choosing the man who will "father" their infection. One gay man reported the most incredible feeling of intimacy being united with other gay men through HIV. Another allowed his positive partner to infect him as a way to show how deep his commitment was. Oddly enough, as soon as he found out he was positive, the man and his partner began using condoms.
Times have changed. Jay Dempsey runs the P.O.O.L. program for gay men at AID Atlanta, and begins each new group by asking attendees whether condom use is still the sexual norm among local gay men.
“The answer’s always no,” Dempsey said. The change in gay men’s views toward condoms is often associated with the onset of highly effective anti-AIDS drugs in the mid-’90s, when the perception of the disease transformed from an automatic death sentence to an almost invisible, manageable illness. Experts agree that no longer seeing friends suffer or die from AIDS has affected how gay men approach safer sex, but other factors have changed as well.
"Lonely, Ashamed, Defeated" (A recent post from the "I Just Tested Positive" board)
I am in my early 20s. I've never had unprotected sex and am hardly out of the closet -- I've only had sex twice in the past year. ... But about a month ago I was diagnosed HIV positive. I'm going crazy trying to figure out how this happened and am constantly feeling depressed, defeated, and anxious. I've dreamt and prepared my whole life for a career that I can no longer pursue. I'm lonely and ashamed.
Worst of all, though, I'm afraid of dying alone and being unhappy until that day. I have a family who loves me very much, but they can never know about this. And my friends, well -- I have begun to push them away.
I know I can live with this for a long time, but I'm more afraid of life than death. And honestly, I don't have the courage to off myself -- I love my family too much to put them through anything like that. I would rather suffer quietly and just wait it out. I cry randomly throughout the day, and on weekends hardly get out of bed.
--aloneindc
this letter was published at thebody.com on october 18,2007
one of the more difficult and challenging aspects of getting clean is to change people, places, and activities. this is partly due to enabling. all those people we partied with will most definitely enable us to continue. just because we are changing our habits is by no means any indication that they are going to change theirs or become aware of any of our desires to change. quite the opposite, if we are changing around them, they might be inclined to start thinking about their own use and habits. and they probably are not ready to consider that at all. and it's easy to believe that they would do everything in their power to avoid thinking about change. i know i did.
i found this definition of enabler( along with more) on wisegeek
An enabler in most definitions is a person who through his or her actions allows someone else to achieve something. Most often the term enabler is associated with people who allow loved ones to behave in ways that are destructive. For example, an enabler wife of an alcoholic might continue to provide the husband with alcohol. A person might be an enabler of a gambler or compulsive spender by lending them money to get out of debt.
In this fashion, though the enabler may be acting out of love and trying to help or protect a person, he or she is actually making a chronic problem like an addiction worse. By continuing to lend money to the gambler, for example, the gambler doesn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. Someone is there to bail him out of trouble and continue to enable his behavior.
The term enabler is also part of the larger definition of codependency. Codependency at first arose as a definition of adaptive behaviors a person might make if he or she lives with someone with substance abuse or severe emotional problems. A codependent tends to remain so, because he or she adapts to or ignores the behaviors of the ill person. In fact, the codependent often becomes an enabler because it allows one to be involved in fewer conflicts.
if this resembles you or a loved one, perhaps you are not helping your loved one by holding them back from the reality of their behaviors. it is believed that you could be as sick as the person with the addiction and contributing to their demise as well as your own. you can find more information and perhaps assistance at coda.
The House of Representatives failed to muster the 2/3 votes necessary to over ride Bush's veto of the Labor/HHS FY 2008 appropriations bill. The vote taken Thursday night, was 277 to 141 to over ride, just barely short of the 2/3 needed. This means that federally funded programs under this bill - including the Ryan White Program, CDC HIV Prevention, SAMHSA, and NIH - will all remain flat funded at the FY 2007 level through a Continuing Resolution (CR) process, until further action is taken. At this point, Congress will need to draft a new bill. Congressional leaders may be looking at a new bill concept that would roughly cut in half the increases they proposed in the vetoed bill.
On the HOPWA front, both houses have now approved the bill (which is under the Transportation/HUD accounts) at 300.1 million, which represents an increase. However, Bush has threatened to veto the Transportation/HUD bill as well. If he does, an over ride will be attempted
.
with the receipt of the above news, i started to wonder about my responsibility in this completely disappointing turn of events. i realize i haven't made any effort in deciding about a change of leadership for the country and how i can facilitate any movement in that direction. there are a couple of candidates that i would be happy with, but i haven't made any real decision, i haven't done any real research, and i haven't made any real effort to commit to the idea of changing of the guard. i have been living in a state of numb as i have felt i have been led down a path of deceipt, incredible gaul, and blatant incompetency. rather than look at the truth, i have been happy to feign blindnes. this needs to change.
"One Thing"
Restless tonight Cause I wasted the light Between both these times I drew a really thin line It’s nothing I planned And not that I can But you should be mine Across that line
[Chorus:] If I traded it all If I gave it all away for one thing Just for one thing If I sorted it out If I knew all about this one thing Wouldn’t that be something
I promise I might Not walk on by Maybe next time But not this time
Even though I know I don’t want to know Yeah I guess I know I just hate how it sounds
This morning President Bush vetoed the FY 2008 Labor/HHS appropriations bill as expected. See AP story below. This bill spans most of the federally funded AIDS programs (Ryan White Program, CDC HIV Prevention, SAMHSA, NIH, etc.). This is very sad news, especially since the bill had bipartisan support. Congress is expected to pass another Continuing Resolution effective through mid-December.
Bush vetoes health and education bill
Associated Press - Tuesday, November 13, 2007
By JENNIFER LOVEN, Associated Press Writer 11 minutes ago
President Bush on Tuesday vetoed a spending measure for health and education programs prized by congressional Democrats. He also signed a big increase in the Pentagon's non-war budget.
The president's action was announced on Air Force One as Bush flew to Indiana for a speech expected to criticize the Democratic-led Congress on its budget priorities.
More than any other spending bill, the $606 billion education and health measure defines the differences between Bush and majority Democrats. The House fell three votes short of winning a veto-proof margin as it sent the measure to Bush.
Rep. David Obey, the Democratic chairman of the House Appropriations Committee, pounced immediately on Bush's veto.
"This is a bipartisan bill supported by over 50 Republicans," Obey said. "There has been virtually no criticism of its contents. It is clear the only reason the president vetoed this bill is pure politics."
Since winning re-election, Bush has sought to cut the labor, health and education measure below the prior year level. But lawmakers have rejected the cuts. The budget that Bush presented in February sought almost $4 billion in cuts to this year's bill.
Democrats responded by adding $10 billion to Bush's request for the 2008 bill. Democrats say spending increases for domestic programs are small compared with Bush's pending war request totaling almost $200 billion.
The $471 billion defense budget gives the Pentagon a 9 percent, $40 billion budget increase. The measure only funds core department operations, omitting Bush's $196 billion request for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, except for an almost $12 billion infusion for new troop vehicles that are resistant to roadside bombs.
Much of the increase in the defense bill is devoted to procuring new and expensive weapons systems, including $6.3 billion for the next-generation F-35 Joint Strike Fighter, $2.8 billion for the Navy's DD(X) destroyer and $3.1 billion for the new Virginia-class attack submarine.
Huge procurement costs are driving the Pentagon budget ever upward. Once war costs are added in, the total defense budget will be significantly higher than during the typical Cold War year, even after adjusting for inflation.
hey gee dub and y'all- don't worry, 'cuz the kidz are allright!
i want to be perfectly clear that there is artistic license at work here. this is completely a tongue-in-cheek post!
i am thinking about expanding my blog a bit. my interests are changing somewhat. i am still working diligently on my personal recovery and on building a recovery mechanism that can support others on a similar journey. that particular piece is more of a focus for me these days. i have been not without assistance in the formation of the mile high meth project. and i am thankful for all the help i can get. mohammed didn't move the mountain by himself after all.
there is a bit of activism that is moving into my life. the city i live in breeds a very silent streak when it comes to hiv. i am not sure where it originates. i know that it doesn't feel healthy to me. and i don't think it's healthy for other poz men who may not be at the top of their game for whatever reason, i.e. sickness, substance use, job, mental health, financial, or relationship issues. this silence leads to at least 2 situations i take issue with. it seems that living with hiv and remaining healthy does lead some to think there is no challenge to live with and so do not care if it happens to them. furthermore the ones who do live with hiv and struggle are destined to struggle alone.
i don't have all the answers today. and i can honestly say that i'm okay with that. this place of understanding is growth for me. not having to know it all, or be in control of it all, or pretend that i'm in control of it all. control is just not a priority in my life, and my life is thriving because of that fact.
i love the photograph above, and i encourage you to visit the artist's website and drink in some of his other photographs, too. he has an amazing eye and i find some skill at work in what he offers. when i look at this torso, i am reminded that i too am scarred and that to me those scars are completely visible. but only because i see myself uncloaked. the world will not see me that way unless i allow it. these are encouraging thoughts to me. i know i'm scarred. but i get reminded that not everyone knows or sees what i do. i also realize it's not required to hold shame because of my scars. however, knowing that and feeling that are two very separate issues. here, on this blog, i have the privilege of revealing a bit of my scars.
when i was 16 i ran away from home. well, i didn't really run, but i did. if that makes any sense. i mean, i didn't run although i would have if it was necessary. i couldn't remain living at home sanely. and where i went proved to be no saner, but i was really too proud to say i wasn't smart enough to handle things on my own. and i got myself into some situations that were less than attractive. well, 16 yr old skinny twink who didn't have all his wits about him yet. and certainly wasn't wise to the ways of the world.
there was a drag queen i met who was from chicago and was 2 years older than i. he went by the name danee. and he really took me under his wing after a couple of chance meetings. he was much smarter than i was. and he could hold his liquor a lot better than i could. he lived with a couple of gay guys who actually were a couple - of sorts. they were both doormen at upscale chicago residence highrises. danee amused them and didn't pay rent. they were all heavy partiers and probably alcoholics as i look back.
but at that time, i needed their protection and i needed a place to stay. i didn't care if it was sane or not. i didn't really understand sane anyway.
i'm not sure if i have a point. i was thinking about danee today. she was puerto rican and she used to do a pr accent that had me rolling on the floor. i still mimic her as part of my schtick and i still have people rolling of the floor,too. it's english, but it's english that is almost a different language. it's beautiful and fun and experimental and it opens your mind. it is refreshing to hear my language spoken so differently. same words and not at all and both of those at the same time. anyway, i loved danee like a brother (or sister). and i have a soft spot in my heart for drag queens to this day. in many ways i find them much more brave than most gay men. they say "yes" to pleasure in ways gay men are not able. they kicked ass at stonewall. they broke windows and broke rules. they took beatings and came back for more. they paved the way to freedom for the rest of the sissies. they suffer endless ridicule and endure separatism. and yet they put on a happy face consistently and entertain the troops. and most times they understand secret sadness more deeply and more sensitively than the rest of the glbtq community.
have you hugged a drag queen lately? you might wanna think about it, cuz they could be savin' somebody else's teenage runaway ass this very minute.
my stats shot through the roof this last couple of weeks because i used a photo from google images called "american gay army" for a post back in june, which is being googled like crazy. so i'm getting hundreds of hits per day just because of this photo. and all of it is direct to one of my very favorite posts from a visit to chicago to hear susan kingston speak on her opinion of the current meth situation. a running blog friend read it recently and reminded me why i had felt good about it in the first place- thank you steve -btw
