how to deal

Well I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

now and then, when it's really quiet, i am sure i can hear my brain thinking. it seems a little like a windup toy that just keeps going around and around until it is unwound. it feels directed and it feels inspired, but i have questions about whether it is just rewinding and replaying.

i get inspired. i get emotional. i work toward change. i run into barriers. i challenge my validity. i question my motives. i become sure i'm failing. i realize i may not have a clear picture of the whole situation.

this is a brief synopsis of how my brain and my heart operate on a fairly regular basis. i am newly clean and only now really noticing some of the inner workings of my being. and i am not sure if i am caught in a loop or if it is actually a helix and some third dimensional movement is happening.

i spent the last few days speaking with persons who appear while being cemented in their relationships with avoidance of life. numbing, gaming, lying, forgetting, ignoring, denying, medicating, and spinning out are the vocations that would occupy their time and energy.

this seems a dark patch of living to me. i witness much of this with new eyes. i am defining a role for myself in forging these interactions. it's rather like gathering angel hair at christmas or pruning a rose bush without gloves. there is discomfort and even some pain. and it seems treacherous as the frozen ones are delicate as well as being tough as nails. inside, i believe they might shatter with a veneer as icy as they project.

but acknowledging what's difficult and moving towards it with a little grace are some of the lessons of my new life. nothing will change until i change or at least make overt room for it. these encounters are hard. i don't know what will follow. but i believe there is something to be given and received here. and i hope my heart (and my head) can learn how to deal and lessen much of the pricks and cuts and tears that happen with some of the work i do.

today's sound choice is finger eleven with "paralyzer"

one thing

The House of Representatives failed to muster the 2/3 votes necessary to over ride Bush's veto of the Labor/HHS FY 2008 appropriations bill. The vote taken Thursday night, was 277 to 141 to over ride, just barely short of the 2/3 needed. This means that federally funded programs under this bill - including the Ryan White Program, CDC HIV Prevention, SAMHSA, and NIH - will all remain flat funded at the FY 2007 level through a Continuing Resolution (CR) process, until further action is taken. At this point, Congress will need to draft a new bill. Congressional leaders may be looking at a new bill concept that would roughly cut in half the increases they proposed in the vetoed bill.

On the HOPWA front, both houses have now approved the bill (which is under the Transportation/HUD accounts) at 300.1 million, which represents an increase. However, Bush has threatened to veto the Transportation/HUD bill as well. If he does, an over ride will be attempted

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with the receipt of the above news, i started to wonder about my responsibility in this completely disappointing turn of events. i realize i haven't made any effort in deciding about a change of leadership for the country and how i can facilitate any movement in that direction. there are a couple of candidates that i would be happy with, but i haven't made any real decision, i haven't done any real research, and i haven't made any real effort to commit to the idea of changing of the guard. i have been living in a state of numb as i have felt i have been led down a path of deceipt, incredible gaul, and blatant incompetency. rather than look at the truth, i have been happy to feign blindnes. this needs to change.

"One Thing"

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

[Chorus:]
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

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