amy and her losing game

Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities.
Oscar Wilde

well, now we understand, once again, that this disease can be serious and people can be cruel..




 Amy Winehouse - Love Is A Losing Game (Live) by LGX

what a difference a day makes

he has told me on several occasions that he is sure he is an alcoholic. he has been to meetings before, but he doesn't feel able to go right now. he is on probation and gets regularly screened for substance . he passed a dirty ua and now has to jump through some extra hoops.

he cries as as he fiercely explains about the dental pain and the sist that is growing. and how great the pain and how expensive the bills . he has written proof of the financial pressures. he has a rejection letter from a former customer who has discontinued their business relationship. after all, of course, with all this pressure, who wouldn't drink? he certainly is justified.

inside, i know that what he is going through is torture. i can empathize with the unmanageability of it all. it can get that way. physical pain, especially dental, is an incredible paralyzer, and can create giant holes in a persons spiritual armor.

empathy is a great start, but how does one truly help another.  it is said that it makes no sense to crawl in a hole that someone has fallen in to help them get out. rather it is better to stay out of the hole to have better leverage and perspective when it's time to help. i surmise that this situation is no different.

so let's try starting at the basics. if you want to stay out of more legal trouble, you might consider abiding by the guidelines of your probation. that includes not drinking alcohol. even when you want to. even when you don't want to. next you might consider just how much you have done thus far. here you are, in a position to actually be taking care of your dental issues and addressing your health issues. this is quite a distance from where you have been. until recently, you have been in no condition to give your health a second thought in any way. and that neglect has probably exacerbated your current problems and that responsibility is tough to swallow. but is swallowing booze a better choice? thirdly, what is the outcome you want from all this drama in your life. do you want to ignore it more? do you want it to go away? are you thinking it will disappear like bewitched just scrunched and wiggled her nose? do you want to overcome it? if you can consider what outcome you desire, and start taking steps for that to happen, you are more likely to actually get there.

finally, you have confided that you used to be on psych meds. but it never really worked to your liking and you just decided to stop. what are the things that weren't working? how much of that was actually about you? could your reasons for drinking be linked to some of these reasons as much as the pressure you are facing with being sober? have you considered revisiting your mental health in this brave quest to take better care of your health?

i rarely know if i ask the right questions. even less do i know if i have been heard. inside i know that something i may say could spark an idea in someone else somewhere down the  road. or not.
it's a challenge to remain neutral when someone is in pain. there is a fine line between empathy and caretaking.

my style is to be truthful with people. this is a blessing and a curse. most people would prefer not to hear truth. also truth is subjective. the way i see things is not the way others see them. this is always a dance.
but i know i carry the belief that people can change. and that holding that light will sometimes help them see their way.

so i am definitely on a little esther phillips kick this week. i haven't listened to her since the mid 1970's. a version of today's sound choice was remade into a dance record about 1976. i remember asking the  dj at the broadway limited in chicago to play this record. he politely told me "we don't play that shit here"... it ain't shit in my mind. hava listen to esther phillips with "what a difference a day makes"

streets of san francisco

“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.”

i stopped by his house with a friend to see how he was doing. he was seen earlier in pretty bad shape, having been drinking for an indeterminable amount of time. he had been incoherent and spouting off about how terrible things were going for him and he was kind of done with it all. he had marked in red marker on both arms the words "do not resucitate". he had frightened the people who saw him because he was walking with such darkness surrounding him.

so i stopped by his house to find him shouting angrily from the other side of the door. but when he realized it was me and that he would have an audience, he let me in and began to do his thing. he had moved his sofa into the hallway of his floor by the elevators. it was dissheveled and acted like a beacon foretelling what was to be encountered further down that floor.

he repeated himself several times about being evicted. he had received a letter from the manager with a list of indiscretions, including exposing himself to others in the hallways, and crawling through the lobby babbling nonsense as he moved along. he claimed that he doesn't do things like that, and the manager was lying. i asked if he remembered what happened, and he retorted- well,no... but i don't do those things... who can argue with logic like this.

so he is angry and he is trying to get rid of most of the stuff in his apartment. things are strewn all over and many cupboard doors are open with nothing inside. most of what was there seems to be on the floor. and he plops himself down on his floor on a dirty square of rug and swigs from a 1/2 gallon of vodka. he holds court from this position for the rest of the visit, feeling sorry for himself and loving the attention. i admired the magically marked words on his forearms. we talked about residential treatment and he liked this idea. but he wasn't ready to go today.

all he wanted was his vodka in his darkly lit apartment. he had spent the money when he was released from psych and he planned to see that plan through to the end. my role was slight. i was simply a passerby today. all i could do was be present and remind him that he was connected to life by more than just a tether. that hope was real, even if he couldn't tune it in. and i would be there again to offer to help.

as i left, i couldn't help but recall some of the situational cop dramas that i had seen during my childhood. hill street blues, police woman, mod squad, and streets of san francisco. they all were dimly lit and peppered with insanity. the scene from which i just emerged could have been in any one of those shows. it was drama, it was theater, and it was addiction. my job is often simply to witness and wait for opportunity. if it ever comes....

and now a word from our sponsor.....

today's sound choice is the theme song "from the streets of san francisco". check it out... what a line-up.

peace train

Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To smoke opium is to get out of the train while it is still moving. It is to concern oneself with something other than life or death.
Jean Cocteau

what a day this has been. i started with meeting with two people who are both struggling with alcohol use, but they reside on two completely different sides of the intellectual spectrum. the first person seems quite simple and has challenges recognizing that his behaviors have led directly to his life issues. but we will work on that. the second person seems very bright, but has had a multi-decade relationship with booze that has likely sucked much of the brightness and joie-de-vivre directly out of him like a kiss from lestat.

a quick introduction to a new person who still dabbles with meth (about 4-2day binges a month according to him). he did not initiate the introduction and appeared cautiously frozen in his tracks like an intuitive deer caught in a hunter's scope. he answered questions freely and honestly, but remained close to the bench that was seating him. pre-contemplation is the space on the wheel of change that he has landed for quite some time. no income, no employment, and no prospects for change (as well as several missing front teeth) indicate that he has lost sight of his own reflection.

the afternoon brought a revisit with someone who is working on quitting smoking. there is great confusion about a specific plan for stopping including a date as well as developing alternative behaviors or activities to replace the need for the relief that smoking a stogie brings. upon further clarification, it is revealed that the real task is to reconstruct the living situation as it glares as a much more important issue that tobacco cessation. decreasing the nicotine intake is taking place. but the total stoppage is doubtful at this point. adding pharma support at this time does not make good sense.

this is a sampling of a day. absolutely no resolution was found for any of these passengers. an impression of who these characters once were is more evident than is easier to discern than where they are headed.

all are passengers who are holding tickets for this journey... i can only hope they have boarded the train going in the direction they intended.

today's sound choice is cat steven's with "peace train"

how to deal

Well I’m not paralyzed
But, I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

now and then, when it's really quiet, i am sure i can hear my brain thinking. it seems a little like a windup toy that just keeps going around and around until it is unwound. it feels directed and it feels inspired, but i have questions about whether it is just rewinding and replaying.

i get inspired. i get emotional. i work toward change. i run into barriers. i challenge my validity. i question my motives. i become sure i'm failing. i realize i may not have a clear picture of the whole situation.

this is a brief synopsis of how my brain and my heart operate on a fairly regular basis. i am newly clean and only now really noticing some of the inner workings of my being. and i am not sure if i am caught in a loop or if it is actually a helix and some third dimensional movement is happening.

i spent the last few days speaking with persons who appear while being cemented in their relationships with avoidance of life. numbing, gaming, lying, forgetting, ignoring, denying, medicating, and spinning out are the vocations that would occupy their time and energy.

this seems a dark patch of living to me. i witness much of this with new eyes. i am defining a role for myself in forging these interactions. it's rather like gathering angel hair at christmas or pruning a rose bush without gloves. there is discomfort and even some pain. and it seems treacherous as the frozen ones are delicate as well as being tough as nails. inside, i believe they might shatter with a veneer as icy as they project.

but acknowledging what's difficult and moving towards it with a little grace are some of the lessons of my new life. nothing will change until i change or at least make overt room for it. these encounters are hard. i don't know what will follow. but i believe there is something to be given and received here. and i hope my heart (and my head) can learn how to deal and lessen much of the pricks and cuts and tears that happen with some of the work i do.

today's sound choice is finger eleven with "paralyzer"

don't stop till you get enough

To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it”...josh jenkins

one thing i am learning (or re-learning) is that a person isn't done with their relationship with alcohol or drugs until they are done. i knew this about myself, but i am starting to understand on a deeper level that the same truths hold true for others.

i have been counseling people with use and abuse issues for a short while now, and as the time layers, so does my understanding of how deeply embedded the relationships with drugs and alcohol can be. it becomes transparent that some individuals are not at all comfortable with being in their own skin for very long without changing the way they feel. it doesn't take much for them to return to numbing out as a coping skill for their own lives.

of course, i recognize this. it doesn't seem foreign to me. it doesn't horrify me. quite the contrary actually. i understand it. why not? if i don't have to look at the unpleasant things in my life, why should i? i can't solve things, so why shine a light on them? now it all seems more cruel than kind.

and who knows? just because the very act of not using has offered me some huge relief from that hamster wheel of shame and guilt that i encircled myself with for years, doesn't automatically mean that the same is true for others. besides, i waited until i was damn good and ready (and had no other options) before i decided to make some behavior changes.

none-the-less it is a painful and delicate exercise as i accompany some of these individuals on their journey through self-discovery. trying to suspend my own values and judgement, see the "spirit" in another when they are struggling to live comfortably in their own skin, and witnessing another's self-sabotage at the same time has its challenges.

this past week, an individual came smelling of alcohol to our little facility. i had to perform a screening process and there was a fairly high level present. no choice laid before me, but to have him call for a ride, have that driver screened also, and send them both on their way. needless to say, it's heartbreaking to me that someone can't go without for the short period of a year without imbibing. but it's very common.

another individual has had several "hot" screenings for another substance over the last few months, and that person was discharged tonight for that very reason just as the other screening and sending home incident was happening with the other.

truth be told, i believe these folks are asking for help. they could easily just blow this whole probation away, and dive fully into a "using" lifestyle. but instead, they proceed with the process. such as coming to treatment with a blood level as high as i saw, indicating that they must feel comfortable in our midst. maybe they want to talk, but have forgotten how without a boost. it is a challenge for me to remain aloof.

you know, there were many times that i wanted to stop, but i didn't know how. and when i tried, i failed miserably. i didn't know how to stop. i couldn't face my life yet. i couldn't think of moving forward. forward was so full of fear.

in some circles they might say that i hadn't had enough yet. go figure....


today's sound choice is michael jackson with "don't stop till you get enough". and believe me, the concept of facial reconstruction being the subject of this song is not lost on me....