the everchanging expression of pride

today's huddle was packed to the highest number we've seen since inception. i am not sure if it was because we had scheduled a picnic in recognition of pride or if guys just felt like they needed some sense of community being on the thresh hold of all the pridefest debauchery that is just being set to simmer. it rained quite a bit and we didn't end up going outside to meet. the number thinned out a bit early, and i guess i kinda walked away thinking many folks did need a touchstone of some sort.

we talked about what pride means to us at the present stage of our lives. the responses and connections to that idea were as faceted as the guys present. there were several that talked about pride being a family event- a time when family members got together and made new memories. a few mentioned that they loved the social aspect. they got to see people they only saw once a year and it held good memories. a couple of guys talked about shame. they hated the filming of the parade stuff on tv because the ass less chaps guys and the twinkies in hot pants and no shirts always made the 6 oclock news. they felt is set back the idea of acceptance with their families greatly every time mom and dad watched the "freak show".

several mentioned that they don't remember a sober pride and were kinda looking forward to a new adventure. but they had reservations about temptation and their own abilities to avoid joining the crowd mentality. one guy said he had come to believe that the pride celebration was for the young people. it was to let younger gay people experience some high level feel good about being who they are. another man reported that he always used to look around him for a sense of pride, but this year had decided to turn inward to find his inspiration. and one of the last guys to share said he had never known a pride when he wasn't fucked up. several years, while living in another city, he had stumbled out of the baths on pride day and into the middle of the parade. since he is actively working on sobriety in his life, this year will no doubt hold some surprises.

it was also interesting that several people weren't really clear about the stonewall inn and the riots of 1969. they had an idea, but were not informed nor connected to the history of gay pride. we talked a little about the "it gets better" campaign and it was universally agreed that dan savage's brainstorm is a welcome addition to our group conscious.

it would seem that gay pride- pride- is an evolution. it starts as one thing and moves towards something very different- naturally or not. pride is very much alive. i know i definitely basked in its glow for awhile today...

plaids

i have been a counselor for a few years now and i have noticed a shift in my strategies with clients. i used to work very hard to help the client see something new for themselves. this is not so much a focus of mine these days. i have shifted to assisting the client in seeing where they are and reminding them of hope in general.

i don't know if this seem clear, but it is a distinct shift in focus and i have come to believe that hope is paramount in getting clean. all the other emotions come and go, but if there is not a connection to hope, the likelihood of success or even movement dwindle.

most of the guys i work with have the same emotional challenges, but they are layered quite differently with each individual. it's almost like the hundreds and hundreds of plaid patterns that exist. they are all plaid, and yet they are each unique with color, band width, specific pattern, and even texture. it's rarely the same.

i am learning to really appreciate the subtle difference in color and pattern in plaids. i am realizing there is so much i have not understood until now. it is a fantastic and colorful  journey.

lucky

image credit.... daniel sannwald

yesterday i stood before a guy who has been twisting and turning in the harsh winds of his enduring  romance with crystal. he was crying from his guts as he seared with frustration that his grandmother's memorial services might go on without  him because he has been coming up short on fulfilling his probation.  he fucking really needed to cry.

some thoughts he shared out loud included " i keep finding myself in this position, rod." "when my mother died i was in jail and i couldn't be there"."when my father passed, i was in jail and wasn't there for my family." "and now again i am here and i am offering no support for them. i was supposed to be a pall bearer."
'
there is no doubt in my mind that he is still struggling with thoughts to use. he claims abstinence since february and i definitely believe that, but i also believe that in the 4 years i have known him, he has shown an elegance in his perception of what he should say in situations. but here, today, i think the tears and the shadows they unleash are truth.

i softly ask if he is able to find an opportunity in all this. he scoffs at the idea, but does acknowledge that he won't use. inside, i am sure he is lucky to encounter this truth. as i hug him and say so long for the day, i quietly and humbly reflect on the thought that this dance with tina has gotten no better, no less evil, no less degrading. and i am grateful i can sit this one out.

serenity

I am a glorious child of God. I am joyful, serene, positive, and loving.
Marianne Williamson

there is an interesting new development in my world. i will be shifting job duties and have more direct service responsibility with counseling. this shift has been plaguing me really since before the december holiday. now that it is here, i am wondering about any further shifts. i am reporting that i have been very flawed in my managing my concerns.

having been obsessing really about whether a specific change would come to be has been my monster shadowing my sleep and infiltrating my days these 4 months. funny how leading a life with trust and fear can be so much easier to visualize than it can be to actualize.no doubt this is "progress, not perfection" exemplified.  but i have made it through to the next round and i and will be shortly on my way to the next adventure.

this concept of serenity certainly must be a kinetic condition. never have i been able to remain peaceful without interruption. this used to worry me - and probably still does from time to time. but as i grow i realize that peace and serenity is the harbor i can always come home to. i simply must reconnect with faith that safe harbor is there. certainly this is how serenity presents itself into my world sometimes... so i will partake in a cuppa while we have crossed paths.

thaw

Emptiness and just a memory


love is gone with nothing left for me


al those wasted feelings for something I no longer have


I never knew that love could hurt so bad


Winter melody, winter melody, winter melody


play for me, just for me,... Donna Summer

i received a call from a probation officer the other day with regards to someone i have been working with. a few months ago during a group session, there seemed to be a shift for several of the members and they went a little deeper into themselves and shared what was going on. there were quite a few tears, quite a lot of exposed feelings and some growth (i hope) ensued.

one of the members was visibly shaken by all this honesty and introspection. he was affected by the whole thing and stopped coming to group. the audacity of people feeling their feelings and expressing that was just like the midday sun burning his heart's eyes. he retreated back into the shade of his mind and changed his course.

unfortunately with probation, one is sentenced to complete tasks if one is to progress. so he is now looking for alternative ways to finish his requirements. he is looking to complete this without the witnessing by a group at all. This is possible, but it requires cash, as individual therapy is more costly than group sessions, for obvious reasons.

this particular individual has a history of frozen feelings and whacked anger issues, and i wonder if all this is simply part of a spectrum of events that are leading to his "thaw". he has been afraid to feel his feelings for quite some time and has made grand gestures and engaged in activities to avoid doing just that. now that he has no access to those things, and has stopped self-medicating, he finds himself closer to his own truth. and when tears and honesty confronted him, he panicked and ran, because that's what he's become accustomed to doing. but he has a wonderful opportunity to take a look at his life, notice the fear, and address it anyway.

we'll see what happens. but i know that witnessing lives change is one of the blessings in my career. change is hard, but just as in any good thaw, it can clean away so much dirt and debris and leave things in much better condition. but damn, in mid-winter, when things are frozen and dry and dead, it is almost impossible to envision an oasis like spring. i hope he can find enough faith and hope to make the journey.

i've been hoping to post today's sound choice for awhile now. i remember this song so well, and it used to pry open my heart with just one bridge. here is donna summer with "winter melody"



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what a difference a day makes

he has told me on several occasions that he is sure he is an alcoholic. he has been to meetings before, but he doesn't feel able to go right now. he is on probation and gets regularly screened for substance . he passed a dirty ua and now has to jump through some extra hoops.

he cries as as he fiercely explains about the dental pain and the sist that is growing. and how great the pain and how expensive the bills . he has written proof of the financial pressures. he has a rejection letter from a former customer who has discontinued their business relationship. after all, of course, with all this pressure, who wouldn't drink? he certainly is justified.

inside, i know that what he is going through is torture. i can empathize with the unmanageability of it all. it can get that way. physical pain, especially dental, is an incredible paralyzer, and can create giant holes in a persons spiritual armor.

empathy is a great start, but how does one truly help another.  it is said that it makes no sense to crawl in a hole that someone has fallen in to help them get out. rather it is better to stay out of the hole to have better leverage and perspective when it's time to help. i surmise that this situation is no different.

so let's try starting at the basics. if you want to stay out of more legal trouble, you might consider abiding by the guidelines of your probation. that includes not drinking alcohol. even when you want to. even when you don't want to. next you might consider just how much you have done thus far. here you are, in a position to actually be taking care of your dental issues and addressing your health issues. this is quite a distance from where you have been. until recently, you have been in no condition to give your health a second thought in any way. and that neglect has probably exacerbated your current problems and that responsibility is tough to swallow. but is swallowing booze a better choice? thirdly, what is the outcome you want from all this drama in your life. do you want to ignore it more? do you want it to go away? are you thinking it will disappear like bewitched just scrunched and wiggled her nose? do you want to overcome it? if you can consider what outcome you desire, and start taking steps for that to happen, you are more likely to actually get there.

finally, you have confided that you used to be on psych meds. but it never really worked to your liking and you just decided to stop. what are the things that weren't working? how much of that was actually about you? could your reasons for drinking be linked to some of these reasons as much as the pressure you are facing with being sober? have you considered revisiting your mental health in this brave quest to take better care of your health?

i rarely know if i ask the right questions. even less do i know if i have been heard. inside i know that something i may say could spark an idea in someone else somewhere down the  road. or not.
it's a challenge to remain neutral when someone is in pain. there is a fine line between empathy and caretaking.

my style is to be truthful with people. this is a blessing and a curse. most people would prefer not to hear truth. also truth is subjective. the way i see things is not the way others see them. this is always a dance.
but i know i carry the belief that people can change. and that holding that light will sometimes help them see their way.

so i am definitely on a little esther phillips kick this week. i haven't listened to her since the mid 1970's. a version of today's sound choice was remade into a dance record about 1976. i remember asking the  dj at the broadway limited in chicago to play this record. he politely told me "we don't play that shit here"... it ain't shit in my mind. hava listen to esther phillips with "what a difference a day makes"

stonewall at the sevens

Drop In, Be Heard, Get Real, Be Seen, Find Out... Good Health.... Great Life... or some of those...

The Stonewall Sevens.. A fresh approach to healthy living...



Drop In, Find Out, Be Heard, Be Seen, Good Health, Great Life...

and this is how my crazy brain works. as i put together in my head how this recovery support group might take shape, it is necessary to give it an identity both by name and intention. of course, once it starts to happen, this all may change, but i think it's right to get it started.



it will not be a treatment group at all. it is recovery support- for people who don't want treatment, who don't need treatment, are undecided and have questions, or who have stopped using something and need/want  some support around that. at least this is the design. there is no such non-secular service like this (other than 12 step or life ring) in our metro area. it's also a way to develop relationship with people who are simply questioning wherever they are at. and i won't have the answers, but will hopefully help support them while they look for those answers themselves.

i am thinking about these images as part of the flyer. i love the rainbow droplet.it's subtle, but makes good sense for a drop in group. i love the 70's image of the first gay pride march in 1970. and i love the triple 7's from a slot machine. it turns out that the address where the group will be is 777 Bannock. The building traditionally has a different name, and i hope i can get away with giving it a new reference. but "the 7's" really makes me smile. and in some weird way, it indicates good luck. and i am definitely hoping that there is some truth to that. either way, i like the reference.

the other images are self explanatory i think. contemplation and reflection are the inferences. and the two images at the end are flyers in the shape and size of event tickets- the front and back image. i think that using tickets to give to referrals will leave a good impression. there will need to be a flyer for counselor's offices though, too.

in case you haven't noticed, i am posting this on sunday. these days are designed to be chill days for me. but i guess this is indicative of how i chill. i process almost all the time, and writing this out and looking it over is pretty damn helpful to me. who knows, maybe next week, i'll decide on a completely different direction.

i have started to listen to the 2nd cd from the "back to mine" collection. this is the compilation of krafty kuts



today's sound choice is massive attack's 1988 recording of "any love". btw, they are sampling one of my favorite old school rap records in this one... "funk you up" by the sequence group... from 1979(which starred the beatiful and talented angie stone)

peace train

Everything one does in life, even love, occurs in an express train racing toward death. To smoke opium is to get out of the train while it is still moving. It is to concern oneself with something other than life or death.
Jean Cocteau

what a day this has been. i started with meeting with two people who are both struggling with alcohol use, but they reside on two completely different sides of the intellectual spectrum. the first person seems quite simple and has challenges recognizing that his behaviors have led directly to his life issues. but we will work on that. the second person seems very bright, but has had a multi-decade relationship with booze that has likely sucked much of the brightness and joie-de-vivre directly out of him like a kiss from lestat.

a quick introduction to a new person who still dabbles with meth (about 4-2day binges a month according to him). he did not initiate the introduction and appeared cautiously frozen in his tracks like an intuitive deer caught in a hunter's scope. he answered questions freely and honestly, but remained close to the bench that was seating him. pre-contemplation is the space on the wheel of change that he has landed for quite some time. no income, no employment, and no prospects for change (as well as several missing front teeth) indicate that he has lost sight of his own reflection.

the afternoon brought a revisit with someone who is working on quitting smoking. there is great confusion about a specific plan for stopping including a date as well as developing alternative behaviors or activities to replace the need for the relief that smoking a stogie brings. upon further clarification, it is revealed that the real task is to reconstruct the living situation as it glares as a much more important issue that tobacco cessation. decreasing the nicotine intake is taking place. but the total stoppage is doubtful at this point. adding pharma support at this time does not make good sense.

this is a sampling of a day. absolutely no resolution was found for any of these passengers. an impression of who these characters once were is more evident than is easier to discern than where they are headed.

all are passengers who are holding tickets for this journey... i can only hope they have boarded the train going in the direction they intended.

today's sound choice is cat steven's with "peace train"

practice practice practice

i spent about 1/2 today with a young man who was so very high he was unable to sit still. he came in to see me because he says he needs to change. truth be told, i imagine he has no idea how to start to even try to change. he was like a moth in a jelly jar sitting in my office. and it was exhausting to even be near.

he repeatedly told me that he knew he needed to change. he told me that he had never felt more clear headed. he parlayed about the projects he had started but not finished. he showed me the tracks on his arm that he had been recently injecting. he expressed a resolve to stop dealing, as he had just ingested all his sell able product. he seemed very worried that he had no money to pay bills or rent. he hadn't eaten in about a week, correlating with the time that his partner went away for 4 years or so.

i couldn't communicate with him directly. he was too fidgety and lost in his own thoughts. but my thoughts were: he is going to crash eventually and i would like him to feel comfortable here- (and) he may need a friend and an ear...

later i met with another man who had missed 2 group sessions and appeared with a scattered and a rather grumbly demeanor. with an opportunity to talk, he revealed that he had endured a personal tragedy and was not able to show. he was gently reminded that the concept of group is to have a person feel safe in feeling any feeling they actually feel and share about it. of course, he is not comfortable at all having his feelings because being somewhat sober is a new adventure for him. it is fully in character that he would stay away from being seen in a vulnerable state.

it is a dance that these fellows are doing. it is movement. it is freeflowing. it is powerful. and if they really work at it, they will become proficient at what they are learning to do. it's not always easy, but for my money, it's worth the effort.
all it takes is practice.... practice...... practice.....

today's sound choice is "electricity" from billy elliot danced by leon cooke.

circus act

It is impossible to imagine a more complete fusion with nature than that of the Gypsy.
Franz Liszt

there are small moments during my day when i actually understand that i am doing exactly what i need to be doing. they don't happen often, but they do come along. today. i had a couple of those moments.

i have a person who is steeping in daily regret about some bad choices (i can totally relate) and i was able to offer him an alternative way of seeing his own situation. his posture changed and so did the light in his eyes. actually it was magic.

i have managed to keep several plates spinning in the air simultaneously for awhile now. at first there was much applause and the atmosphere of a festive and jovial night prevailed. this has shifted however, and i find myself wondering why so many plates and when will i get to take a break. this is such a healthy sign for me. typically i would want to spin even more plates, and maybe do it blindfolded. and then i realize that it is all really gonna be okay and i can be foolish and make mistakes. and that i can be frustrated and survive. and i love the frenzy and the mayhem. it is what i grew up around and it is what makes me feel comfortable.

i am thankful i can find comfort, and i am thankful i get to do 6 shows a week.

do yourself a favor and definitely watch the vid in the sidebar. you will not be sorry.


today's sound choice is damien rice performing "rootless tree"

this boy

Mark Twain:
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

most everybody gets caught with their pants down on occasion. some of us even put ourselves in that position willingly. sometimes i find myself feeling incredibly frustrated because that's precisely where i feel i am at in my life. i honestly know i am capable of so much, but i haven't actualized all that i think i am able.

honestly, this is due in great majority because i had so many issues that got in the way of me growing up and moving forward. one of the majors was my drug and alcohol addiction. because i had such a strong relationship with those items in my life, i have held myself back from reaching some of that potential.

on the flip side, i really believe that i have work left to do, and i have much to try to give back. i know that i am grateful i don't struggle the way i used to. i haven't had a hangover in almost 4 years and that was really a very regular ritual for me. i haven't felt the depths of misery that i would feel after a 3 or 4 day binge, nor have i had to spend days or even a week recovering from the crash that would inevitably follow.

i have applied for a counselor position at a detox facility and have begun the interview process. unclear about the outcome, i believe it holds promise and possibility. i can work on finalizing my certification- (to a level 3) and perhaps even expand my studies.

i don't know where all this will take me, and that is completely cool with me. i have just a smidgen of trust that the universe is going to support me (or not). and i am ok with it, either way. i can't remain afraid to make a move due to fear of failure. it just won't do. i have made it this far, and no doubt the reason will come forward.

rambler

this weekend denver is hosting the cocaine anonymous colorado state convention. i volunteered at registration for about 4 hours on saturday after work. i do so much better at those things when i have a job to do. it is much easier for me to have a purpose in a crowd than to just be one of the masses. it was always that way for me at a party or a club too. i would rather be doing than being.

i talked to over a hundred people today. my social skills are polished compared to some, but not at all perfect. i struggle with saying the right things on many occasions, i struggle with listening sometimes, especially if people are slow talkers, roundabout talkers, or give too many details when relaying a story. i guess i have add because i lose track so quickly. i know it must seem to others that i am a caustic bitch, which i can be at times, but mostly it is that i actually have some difficulty listening. i have always just figured i am selfish, but now i wonder if it is something else. or maybe i'm hoping it's something else.

don't get me wrong, it's not so bad that i'm going to take meds for it. but it is noticeable enough that it's distracting sometimes for me. take today for example: in a class i teach there is a student who eagerly participates. he speaks in monotone and gives many details when he is sharing. i am thrilled that he is engaged. and i know that it helps his program to be engaged. but truth be told, i disengage slightly while he's talking because i know it's going to be the circuitous route that we take to get to his destination. i "check out" automatically and just wait for a break in the talk to move on. one reason is because i have an agenda, a curriculum i need to move through and because we have a time constraint, but also because i'm sure that the rest of the class is probably on a similar page and i want to be supportive.

then skip to the cognitive skills group i facilitate. it is for folks who are quitting their crystal use and staying clean and we discuss different techniques to use like thought stopping, examining motivation, reviewing behaviors, and normalizing change. again, there is a curriculum involved. now i realize that some discussion is needed. actually required for people to stay involved in the learning process and the group setting demands interaction of a strong sort. but there has to be some attention paid to the curriculum or there is no point being in the group in the first place. it could be a different group. now, i don't know if any of you have ever tried to hold the attention of a half dozen or so folks who are recently coming off tweak, but there are some challenges involved. it is oftentimes reminiscent of the aviary over at the zoo. and it's not easy to reign them in. the camaraderie of this group is essential to their success. but that scattered conversational style and nervous jocularity to fit in has become a communication style, too. that's the nature of meth. and that's the nature of meth addicts. but, it's my job to offer another perspective. it's my job to show them value in focusing. to create desire around change, and instill the importance of learning how to do create change and sustain it. but their brains are still run by the "feel good" centers. they lack discipline.

i actually love what i am doing today with my days and my life. i honestly do believe that all the shit i have waded thru and endured has been for a reason. and this is the reason. to share my experience with others and help them on their journey. i only worry that if i can't learn to listen better, i won't know which shit to share.