the everchanging expression of pride

today's huddle was packed to the highest number we've seen since inception. i am not sure if it was because we had scheduled a picnic in recognition of pride or if guys just felt like they needed some sense of community being on the thresh hold of all the pridefest debauchery that is just being set to simmer. it rained quite a bit and we didn't end up going outside to meet. the number thinned out a bit early, and i guess i kinda walked away thinking many folks did need a touchstone of some sort.

we talked about what pride means to us at the present stage of our lives. the responses and connections to that idea were as faceted as the guys present. there were several that talked about pride being a family event- a time when family members got together and made new memories. a few mentioned that they loved the social aspect. they got to see people they only saw once a year and it held good memories. a couple of guys talked about shame. they hated the filming of the parade stuff on tv because the ass less chaps guys and the twinkies in hot pants and no shirts always made the 6 oclock news. they felt is set back the idea of acceptance with their families greatly every time mom and dad watched the "freak show".

several mentioned that they don't remember a sober pride and were kinda looking forward to a new adventure. but they had reservations about temptation and their own abilities to avoid joining the crowd mentality. one guy said he had come to believe that the pride celebration was for the young people. it was to let younger gay people experience some high level feel good about being who they are. another man reported that he always used to look around him for a sense of pride, but this year had decided to turn inward to find his inspiration. and one of the last guys to share said he had never known a pride when he wasn't fucked up. several years, while living in another city, he had stumbled out of the baths on pride day and into the middle of the parade. since he is actively working on sobriety in his life, this year will no doubt hold some surprises.

it was also interesting that several people weren't really clear about the stonewall inn and the riots of 1969. they had an idea, but were not informed nor connected to the history of gay pride. we talked a little about the "it gets better" campaign and it was universally agreed that dan savage's brainstorm is a welcome addition to our group conscious.

it would seem that gay pride- pride- is an evolution. it starts as one thing and moves towards something very different- naturally or not. pride is very much alive. i know i definitely basked in its glow for awhile today...

sober pride

i had asked several friends to write something about sober pride. what it is, what it could mean, what is a fantasy. it seems an oxymoron as i got sober in a 12 step environment and that is all about humility and anonymity. so how does pride fit in? and i know this cannot be a singular experience.

i am approaching my 5th year of being completely clean. i won't call myself sober because i cannot presume to view myself the way others see me. and what others think and do is none of my business anyway. but i am comfortable with the term "clean" and will use it.

traditionally, gay pride has been a proverbial visit to sodom in my world. yearly i was presented with a reason to embrace debauchery and over the top behavior. i have ridden on floats, i have gotten loaded, i have watched parades in sydney, san francisco, chicago, new york, la, and colorado springs. on many occasions i have snarfed tricks, ditched unwanted company, bought and sold illicity, and broken hearts and laws and self imposed morals and restrictions year after year after year. all this under the guise of celebrating loosening the chains of self-judgement and bigotry. it was exotic and erotic, freeing and empowering, but with each year it oozed "expected and neurotic" and it soon began to symbolize the antithesis of pride to me.

it's funny, because the more "center" the parades became, the less engaged i became. it's almost as if i didn't recognize these festivals any longer. i am also sure that the "norm" for a parade in denver is very distant from a pride celebration in a larger more metropolitan city. that has contributed a bit to the lack of enchantment that these had become.

however since i got clean, i have tried to revisit my attitude about pride. the traditional method of celebrating self acceptance no longer fits the bill. i have needed to shape a set of rituals that embody the new "clean" me. the first coupla years i wandered through the festival feeling a bit handicapped and outta place. staying only a short while at the brou haha, i found myself drifting back to my nest and hunkering down. the next two years i still have had a need (and a desire) to participate. so i decided if i worked at a vendors booth, i would be a "in it" without feeling separate.

this year brings another shift. i am not volunteering, i have options, but am not sure of how much i will be there - physically. but i know that i will be in synch on a spiritual level. i still find the process of remembering the little big brawls that sparked that roman candle of acceptance that was lit those 40 years ago. the oppression of hatred and fear that embodied homosexuality still takes its toll. gay men (perhaps a generalization here) still struggle with how to love each other. i know that is true for me as well as some of the men i know and work with.

but with each year i find a new level of relevance again with the whole enchilada. we need to work at being ourselves, accepting ourselves, and loving ourselves- and each other..

today's sound choice is one of my favorite remixes... just like pridefest...
nightmares on wax remixing shirley bassey's "easy thing to do"

Easy Thing To Do (Nightmare On Wax) - Shirley Bassey And Nightmare On Wax