sober pride

i had asked several friends to write something about sober pride. what it is, what it could mean, what is a fantasy. it seems an oxymoron as i got sober in a 12 step environment and that is all about humility and anonymity. so how does pride fit in? and i know this cannot be a singular experience.

i am approaching my 5th year of being completely clean. i won't call myself sober because i cannot presume to view myself the way others see me. and what others think and do is none of my business anyway. but i am comfortable with the term "clean" and will use it.

traditionally, gay pride has been a proverbial visit to sodom in my world. yearly i was presented with a reason to embrace debauchery and over the top behavior. i have ridden on floats, i have gotten loaded, i have watched parades in sydney, san francisco, chicago, new york, la, and colorado springs. on many occasions i have snarfed tricks, ditched unwanted company, bought and sold illicity, and broken hearts and laws and self imposed morals and restrictions year after year after year. all this under the guise of celebrating loosening the chains of self-judgement and bigotry. it was exotic and erotic, freeing and empowering, but with each year it oozed "expected and neurotic" and it soon began to symbolize the antithesis of pride to me.

it's funny, because the more "center" the parades became, the less engaged i became. it's almost as if i didn't recognize these festivals any longer. i am also sure that the "norm" for a parade in denver is very distant from a pride celebration in a larger more metropolitan city. that has contributed a bit to the lack of enchantment that these had become.

however since i got clean, i have tried to revisit my attitude about pride. the traditional method of celebrating self acceptance no longer fits the bill. i have needed to shape a set of rituals that embody the new "clean" me. the first coupla years i wandered through the festival feeling a bit handicapped and outta place. staying only a short while at the brou haha, i found myself drifting back to my nest and hunkering down. the next two years i still have had a need (and a desire) to participate. so i decided if i worked at a vendors booth, i would be a "in it" without feeling separate.

this year brings another shift. i am not volunteering, i have options, but am not sure of how much i will be there - physically. but i know that i will be in synch on a spiritual level. i still find the process of remembering the little big brawls that sparked that roman candle of acceptance that was lit those 40 years ago. the oppression of hatred and fear that embodied homosexuality still takes its toll. gay men (perhaps a generalization here) still struggle with how to love each other. i know that is true for me as well as some of the men i know and work with.

but with each year i find a new level of relevance again with the whole enchilada. we need to work at being ourselves, accepting ourselves, and loving ourselves- and each other..

today's sound choice is one of my favorite remixes... just like pridefest...
nightmares on wax remixing shirley bassey's "easy thing to do"

Easy Thing To Do (Nightmare On Wax) - Shirley Bassey And Nightmare On Wax

easy thing to do

yesterday i participated in 3 really good meetings. one consisted of some planning ideas for a website for the planning council regarding council business and the perhaps affecting the larger hiv community and even more than that. this was exciting business to consider and has provided me with new hope for the roles and functions i may play in my community.

the second was less glamorous, but one i personally felt i needed. i went in and laid out my ideas and asked for some feedback, and that was freely and cautiously given and i went on my way.

the third involved a hand off of the happy hours for SIN to a couple of guys who are younger and probably more culturally competent for such things. i hope they enjoy the process and have some fun. and i am even more happy that people are getting involved.

the inspiration for the musical portion of this post was a desire to share one of my favorite remix albums of all time which was released in 2001 i believe. shirley bassey- diamonds are forever- the remixes.

i swear these remixes are the bomb! classic dame bassey vocals with some ultra cool contemporary bass lines and instrumentation rolling alongside and supporting from underneath. each one captures something extraordinary about her vocals and all of these creations seem natural and meant-to-be.


turn it up baby, and hava cuppa.....i believe you will not be disappointed!

if a man could only see himself as the younger man that grew

full lyrics here

you know the party's over when.....

how do we know when the party is over? i got the following thoughts from the toronto meth site.. hi my name is tina. there is something similar on tweaker.org, too. it makes good sense to me. but once we are in the throes of heavy use, it's kinda hard to have a rational brain anymore.... but in case you have questions about your use...


Although there are many ways to fill our needs, some of us chose Tina. How do we know if we’ve crossed the line and are in trouble with Tina? Unfortunately, there’s no clear-cut answer to this question; everyone’s line is different. For example, getting high every other weekend may be fine for someone else but too much for us. Some of us can use occasionally for years without any problems. Some of us never binge but have problems with relatively light use.

On some level we know if our Tina use is a problem for us, although it may be hard for us to see or admit it. Here are a collection of experiences that have been ‘red flags’ for other guys. If any of these are familiar to you, you might want to think further about your own use. This may mean using less, stopping for while, or quitting altogether.

Life:
• The party is over when we become used to spending every weekend high and when the beginning of every week is hell.

• The party is over when what we use the computer for most is cruising for PnP hook-ups.

• The party is over when we realize that we can’t remember everyone we were with last night and are grateful we can’t, because some of those guys were scary. Come to think of it, we must have been scary too.

• The party is over when it takes two hours to get ready to leave the house.

• The party is over when we keep making excuses for missing work.

• The party is over when we begin many projects and complete none of them.

• The party is over when we have several dealers and know where to get Tina 24/7.

• The party is over when using is something we need to do and don’t enjoy anymore.

• The party is over when we need Tina to feel accepted because of age, race, or disability issues.

• The party is over when we miss holidays with family because we were too busy having sex with people we don't even know.

• The party is over when we chose Tina over our lover.

• The party is over when we can’t imagine how we used to be so productive before Tina. How did we get all that accomplished?

• The party is over if we have lost important friendships or relationships.

• The party is over when we remember all the twisted, sick shit we got ourselves into.

• The party is over when we say and do things we wish we had never said or done.




and my experience tells me that i mulled many of these thoughts over and over again in my head. but once that bitch had a grasp on my feelgood it was almost too late. i had to lose quite a bit before i could even begin to let go of her. and my experience also tells me that it takes more than just "28 days" to shake her free too. the brain changes that occur to do meth are extensive and need time ( not medication) to repair. post-tina dopamine levels are low, and a life without dopamine is dull indeed. and the truth is, in the beginning, i thought i could handle it. after all, i had done a neely o'hara with coke, with freebasing, with booze, and with hiv. but this one-tina- she was different. she probably still is, too. i do know that there were so many many times that i told myself that if i got high with tina one more time, it would be different. and i guess it was. it got progressively worse.

Propellerheads & S. Bassey
Uploaded by bernie-noel