join the resistance

so the question is, can we as a community, or a queer nation, as it were, begin to have conversations around what we believe to be healthy? is it okay for some of us to hate watching our brothers spin out on tweak and not say anything? and is it okay to say something if we hate it? can we allow ourselves the space to have our concerns and express them? and can we allow you to have your space while we really don't like what you do? i don't know the answers to this. in a perfect world, i would think yes. but what is our true nature? i wonder if we know more than we give ourselves credit for and we can do more, much more, than we conceive.

in boston and in san francisco, the newest campaign to reduce the meth damage is to enlist ourselves to educate and promote thoughtful decision making. will this take us to a place of more understanding? or will it become more divisive?

from bay windows of boston:

Last month Fenway Community Health's New Champions, a federally funded program working to combat crystal meth addiction, launched its second major phase, debuting its Resist Meth ad campaign and holding its second training for men to learn how to do outreach in the community and talk about meth use and addiction. New Champions, a collaboration between Fenway, AIDS Action Committee, and the Latin American Health Institute, is one of 10 programs around the country receiving crystal meth prevention money from a grant through the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSA), but among those programs it is the only one focused on confronting meth addiction within the gay male community.
Jed Barnum, program manager for New Champions, said the other programs receiving the SAMSA meth grant focus on other populations such as children, youth in the juvenile justice system and Native Americans. The program managers share information through conference calls and meet at conferences held twice each year, and Barnum said the New Champions program has been able to provide those other programs with a new perspective because of the unique patterns of meth addiction in the gay male community. He said representing a gay-focused program has allowed him to advocate for a focus on the links between sex and meth use in the programs' approach to tracking meth use.

"It's allowed us to advocate for questions around sexual behavior that might be tricky to do in other cases," said Barnum.

for the rest of the article click here.




and it seems as if san francisco is following suit:

I don't touch meth but know where to get it. It seems that Castro Street
in San Francisco is awash in the crystalline powder, with every twink in
town all tweaked out on it and engaging in wild sex orgies and spreading
HIV. So the self-proclaimed LBGTFHZ leadership has decreed that this is
a community crisis and has begun a propaganda campaign to re-educate the
twinked-out masses to resist crystal meth.

There were "Resist Meth" posters everywhere, with an image reminiscent of
a 1950s-era Soviet propaganda poster depicting a worker promoting the
the socialist revolution, and the inspiring slogan "resist meth" that is
sure to re-educate the proles. There was another propaganda poster
depicting some sort of crystal meth board game, and a headline in the gay
Bay Area Reporter rag that declared that crystal meth use has "plateued"
and that the re-education campaign should start to reduce use soon.


BTW, on the train home yesterday there was someone who appeared to be on
crystal meth, though not obviously gay. He just kept walking back and
forth through the cars with a dazed look on his face and he didn't look
like a disheveled homeless person (yet), so I assumed he was on meth.

spiritual

this image is from the hawaiiforgivenessproject.

what is spiritual? is it outside myself? or is it within?

my first real memory of anything like that at all is when i was grammar school age, i used to dance under the stars at night during the summer. i felt so free and so connected then.

i am not quite sure how to explain just what spiritual means to me. i am not quite sure i understand myself. i am sure i am still learning and developing my concept.


let's see if i can break this down a bit more then. maybe i'll understand better where i am. when i was in my early twenties, i had a group of friends that i hung out with and did quite a lot of drugs with. we used to go out many nights out of the week, get high, and experience our culture in the clubs. we were not "a-list" gays by any means, and i think some of us were more bothered by that than others. however we were intelligent and we were persistent and we were headstrong, so we developed our own sort of niche in clubland and in the community.

besides laughing more than any other time in my life that i can remember, i also take from those days a real memory of being directed to think of doing for others in lieu of getting everything for me. this struck me as so odd, but as i experimented with it, i found it to be true. this was much to my amazement. i guess the surprise fact had something to do with being an only child and not being used to doing anything for anyone.

fast forward a couple of years when i tested positive for hiv and my best friend passed away. i think i felt truly powerless for the first time. even my substance use couldn't cover up that feeling. and i was not quite ready to die as my friend had. so i turned to louise hay for some direction and some comfort. and that is what i got. i learned how to meditate. i started cooking a lot of my own meals so i could put love in while i was cooking. i became acqainted with the lore of stones and their powers and qualities. i became friends with a fantastic woman who was a channel and dealt in love and light. i started experimenting with hands on healing at some aids support groups i attended. and my perception of spirituality and my own place in the world expanded. and became a personal experience and also became real.

none of this, however, was strong enough to overshadow the darkness that my addictions fueled by my bipolar disorder brought to me. and i had to wait many more years to let go of that addiction, attend to my god-granted chemical imbalance before i could really pick up my spiritual tools and start to access them again in a more engaging way.

today, i am still without a full clue. i know that i don't rule the universe. i know that i am where i am (in a somewhat healthy recovery) is due to much more than the simple things i am capable of. i believe that without faith that i will be allright, i am hopeless. and i have been hopeless before, and i prefer not to go back. i need to grow hope like a garden and maintain it with faith and with consistency.

and all i really understand today is that when i focus on what i have and not what i do not have, i am a much happier person. when i seek to help someone else instead of pursuing self interest, i am more content with the person i am. if i try to seek similarity and likeness in the people around me, and not point out the differences, i seem happier too. and so i spend time trying to do these things and be these things that i understand to make me more content and at peace.

work the steps

a friend conveyed that they were stepping away from 12 step. i also got the impression that they were stepping away from our friendship as i am heavily influenced by my 12 step program. this makes me hugely sad. and so i am just posting this to explain my reasons for being involved with the program. i was so horrified at who i was becoming in active use, that i never want to return. couple that with my journey with the course in miracles and with science of mind, and i truly believe there is a life that is much richer and much freer available to me. and i am working towards it. if i work the steps, i am promised a better life. and i need that.

sometimes we get schrapnel during battle, and we have to try to save as much of ourselves as we can. if not, we run the danger of losing a bigger part of ourselves to infection, gangrene, and amputation.

meth was such a battle for me:

Yeah here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line
Throw em up and let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind
Fithy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose
String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so i won't get loose
Truth is you can stop and stare
Run myself out and no one cares
Dug the trench out lay it down there
With the shovel up out of reach somewhere
Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
[End Chorus]
Go start the show
Drop your boys and the sloppy flow
Shotgun I put lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go
Mama help me I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse
Candy paint on this brand new hearse
Can't contain him he knows he works
Fuck this hurts I wont lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try
Half the words dont mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied
So why try ignoring it
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring that chorus in
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
I've opened up these skies
I'll make you face this
I bought myself some fire
I'll make you, face, this, now!!!!
[Chorus]
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out
I bleed it out
I bleed it out

show me

i've certainly been at least one of these characters. and i've certainly pretended to be the other.
am i really just one though? which one? once a whore, always a whore? and if i'm a whore, what do i do with that now?

my sponsor has asked me to complete something which heretofore has been out of my reach. he requests that i finish the part of step 4 which i had not been able to comprehend at all. that would be around the completion of the sex inventory. not the bit about reviewing our conduct, getting it all on paper, and looking at it. that section was excruciating, but i completed that.

no, the piece i had difficulty with is the sexual ideal. and up until now, the concept has really been elusive. i haven't really been in the space to consider being involved in a sexual relationship again. i guess i had just been so oversexed the last few years that i was pretty burnt. and i think i had been using poon as a validation tool and it had stopped working a while back. for years i hadn't considered having a relationship that combined both emotional intimacy and sex. i kept those two things very seperate. i had been hurt early on and just decided it wasn't worth the pain. i also hurt someone else and i really struggled with feeling worthy after that.

but things for me have changed somewhat. i feel as if i have already begun a journey of personal discovery. and there is some strength and joy and outward facing energy that has begun to emerge. add that to the power of intention and i find that my chi is completely realigning itself. so maybe i am ready to look at this now. my sponsor has suggested such, so i think i'll try to work on this. probably at the roundup this weekend. i guess i'll just ask god to show me how to proceed.

the suggestions from the aa book read as such:

in this way, we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. we subjected each relation to this test- was it selfish or not? we asked god to mold our ideals and help us live up to them. we remembered always that our sex powers were god-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. we must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in doing so.in other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask god what we should do about each specific matter. the right answer will come, if we want it.

so, not published in the big book of alcoholics anonymous are some ideas and thoughts that i scribed as dictated by my sponsor. these have been handwritten in blank spots on pages throughout the book. btw-this is why sponsorship is highly recommended. these cliff notes would be missed otherwise. since i am currently looking at step 4 section, i will write as is handwritten:

investigations/inventories can be expected to create angst and to take us outside our faith boundaries..... prayer expands these boundaries...

we have to own the feelings behind our fears/resentments. (not at all comfortable)

until we get in touch with these raw emotions, we cannot consciously process our inventories.

when we finally own them, we can then turn them over to god.

step 4 involves
1)honest gut checks(our role)
2)diligence ( a lot of honest work)
3)perseverance ( ego will interfere)
4)lots of prayer ( god will help us open up)
5)be specific

yes virginia there really is a foreigner

serenity

Ever have a day where this would make sense?

Serenity

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

A pentimento (plural pentimenti) is an alteration in a painting showing that the artist has changed his mind as to the composition during the process of painting. The word derives from the Italian pentirsi, meaning to repent.

i have experienced a change of mind with today's post here.....

saturday morning cartoons

this week we have 2 episodes of an animated series entitled methheads living in bakersfield. the title speaks for itself. it's pretty dry, but it stuck for some reason. two episodes here 'cuz.... well, 'cuz i'm an addict.






this follow up is funny, and has some pretty sweet musical selections. short, sweet, and to the point.

the next step

i gave my letter of resignation and notice to my current full time position yesterday. it was certainly bittersweet, but it went smoothly. i have learned so much much working with "it takes a village" and i will never be able to get them out of my heart. there has been an opportunity to grow in ways i never would have been able to experience anywhere else. and we did have discussions about collaboration in the future.

my last day is on the 15th and i hope to have some closure with a support group that i co-facilitate on that day. and then i suppose all hell really breaks loose. i will be moving over to "mile high meth project" at the council in a full time capacity beginning the 18th of August. i am excited, and more than a bit nervous at the same time. this is a birthday gift for myself that i have been working towards.

this new gay men's treatment program in denver is already underway. we have been in operation for about 4 months now. we were minimally funded and so we have really only scratched the surface with clinic hours, marketing, etc. there are currently 14 men enrolled in the program, although they are on different levels and paces in their quest to get clean. we have been working with mostly hiv negative men as the funding is based on prevention dollars. it's exciting because there is an opportunity for no cost treatment for gay men with meth addictions (and other addictions soon to follow). however, we just became ryan white funded as well and so we will be serving and treating hiv plus men additionally. and we do plan on treating them as one community. there are agencies in place that treat hiv plus folks separately, but we wonder if the serosorting is really beneficial for all our comrades. those exclusive options are still available around town, but we feel that both non-sero and sero are part of our community and both therefore should be treated equally and together. if we cannot take care of each other, then who will?

in addition to standard treatment options, we will be offering acupuncture, yoga, and a meditation/mind calming group on a weekly basis. i also think we may be offering a support group which will involve dinner on a table set with linen, china, and candles. (ain't that gay!) one point of light is that there hasn't been a new ryan white treatment provider in the city for quite some time.

i think the thing that is most evident to me, and definitely the most challenging, is the high level of emotionality that exists in gay men as the crystal is depleted. their reactions to life and situations have a tendency to be extremely exaggerated and pronounced for at least the 1st six to twelve months. i need constantly to remember that there is a physiological reason for this and take it in stride. and working under this assumption helps me on a daily basis. if i can learn to remain calm, supportive, and patient during these tumultuous times for clients, perhaps i will be able to help them ride out one of the most difficult parts of breaking up with tina.

thank you, universe, for allowing me the opportunity to be of service. for today, there is no better raison d'etre.

oh- btw, can you PLEASE click on the title of this post and sign the manifesto if you haven't already!


and here is one of my very favorite songs that came out around the time of my initial attempts at recovery.


tina.................................never!!!!
i don't want these feelings to ever come again.
your love is so past tense.

The Roc Project - Never (Past Tense)
Uploaded by florian4545

tweekers web

i got this clip from a tweeker's website. he's called sketchy mess and it seems he just moved to palm springs from the east coast after his court appearance from a drug possession charge. his case was continued for a year with no disposition. he says he's loving warm sands 'cuz it's like disneyland for adults. it's very hot which leads to losing clothes.


notice the box being carried out in the background. for whatever it's worth, this is part of my culture. no matter how much i say "no longer".

pond patrol

there is a coffeehouse near my home which i visit everyday. vanilla latte and a ham and cheese croissant. it rarely waivers and it is one of the more consistent aspects to my current lifestyle.

i have become well-acquainted with most of the staff there over time, but there are a couple of people who really stand out for me. jenna and gio. i actually see jenna more often 'cuz she works on sunday morning and i usually go in after my run around city park. i work very part time in private dining and she is a caterer and cook, she loves art, and so we always seem to have things to chat and joke about. and her husband gio is very hospitable and charming. he is from brazil, he is an artist, is in a band, and is the sweetest guy on the planet. (at least when it comes to me)

i am going to highlight his website today. his art consists of developing a science fiction adventure and using dolls to photograph, catalog, and document his characters evolution and to motor the storyline. so when you check out his site, know well that, on any given day, he can be found around denver posing his dolls and taking multiple photographs, working in the early hours and the wee hours. and that he is dedicated and for me it is completely enchanting.

here is some background taken from his site:

Historical facts:
In an undisclosed area in the US, lays a natural pond once part of the Mulberry Ridge National Laboratory. The pond was used during the early 1970's by the Marine Corps for training in recon maneuvers and later by Dr. Louis Kawamoto, during experiments with the Space Reactor Program (Nuclear Thermal Propulsion). After The Nuclear Waste Policy Act of 1982 was signed, the site became a Nuclear Dump Site for its unusual great depth. Since 1990, DOE's Office of Environmental Restoration and Waste Management (EM) have decontaminated and dismantled more than a 100 contaminated facilities across the country including the Mulberry Ridge Pond.

In 2002, three EPA Research Biologists disappeared while conducting experiments in the pond and the Department of Navy has also reported two missing soldiers from a Marine Corp Recon Squad training in the area. There is speculation in the scientific community that the pond was never completely decontaminated. There are even accounts from some Marine soldiers about oversized plants and strange animals around the pond's adjoining regions. A year later after an unsuccessful rescue for the missing biologists turned tragic with a helicopter crash, the US Marine Corps deployed small patrol/recon units called Fire Teams to protect the area.

This is the story of "Pond Patrol Third Force Recon Team" the 4th group designated by the US Government to the Mulberry Ridge Pond. This is the first team to include an EPA Researcher and a Scientist to study the pond's ecosystem. It is also the first team to have its own marked AH/MH-6 Little Bird helicopter and pilot.



he has developed his own g.i.joe stopmotion film, which will be debuting on sept 20 at the bug theatre at the gi joe fest. a couple of bands will be playing that night to enhance a "festival" feel.

his site is pondpatrol. i salute you gio for following your dream. so many of us are not able to do this for one reason or another. and you are remaining true to your mind's eye.

so i am posting this from youtube as well, with complete tongue in cheek. love you madly..

in memorium

this is the latter part of 2 part post. i wasn't sure how to follow up the 1st and this seemed most appropriate.

a wish for blessings, abundance, and smiles from the heart for you. and may you find the way to understanding, acceptance and forgiveness.

The Prayer - Dion et Bocceli
Uploaded by Misreya

I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise in times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe

La luce che tu hai
I pray we'll find your light
nel cuore rester¨¤
and hold it in our hearts.
a ricordarci che
When stars go out each night,
eterna stella sei

The light you have
I pray we'll find your light
will be in the heart
and hold it in our hearts.
to remember us that
When stars go out each night,
you are eternal star
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
quanta fede c'è
when shadows fill our day

How much faith there's
Let this be our prayer
in my prayer
when shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza
un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace, di fraternit¨¤

We dream a world without violence
a world of justice and faith.
Everyone gives the hand to his neighbours
Symbol of peace, of fraternity
La forza che ci d¨¤
We ask that life be kind
è il desiderio che
and watch us from above
ognuno trovi amor
We hope each soul will find
intorno e dentro se
another soul to love

The force his gives us
We ask that life be kind
is wish that
and watch us from above
everyone finds love
We hope each soul will find
around and inside
another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer, just like every child

Need to find a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
Need to find a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

È la fede che
hai acceso in noi,
sento che ci salver

10 years ago- for reasons unkown

i was watching logo (i'm a good fag) and there was a segment on elton john. of course, the insane meanderings and the tragedies caused by andrew cunanan were mentioned. gianni versace and elton were extremely close. it was strange suddenly to remember the disintegration of lives that occurred that summer 10 years ago. i recall it being so unsettling then. and i remember being totally creeped out by the fact that cunanan was so homogenous. i mean, so not distinct. i remember travelling somewhere, being at the airport and looking around and instantly being a little afraid because he literally could have been anywhere in that airport and no one really would have noticed. certainly not me.

then there were stories of drugs, prostitution, and pornography. now, i grant you, these are not commonplace in most gay men's lives. however, these are not strangers for many either. it is a very odd passing-of-the-torch ritual that happens from generation to generation in certain circles. but, the real question i have is the presence of meth in this story. i think at that time, really only certain cities on the west coast were seeing the ravages of meth. as a nation, the hooplah surrounding the horrors for some who use meth had not surfaced. and so when i look back on this very tragic incident, my immediate question is how much of a role did tina play? did she drive andrew to crazy town? or did she just push him over the edge? was it her finger that pulled the trigger and snuffed out the lives of miglin and versace and the others? was all this done in a psychotic state that miss thing had orchestrated?

perhaps these questions have been asked before. and if you have already heard them or read them or answered them for yourselves, i apologize for redundancy. i know that i could never really get a handle on the situation until i applied my first hand knowledge of meth to this story. and i am certainly not offering anything like an excuse, but this connection does bring a level of understanding for me to an otherwise completely baffling situation.

Andrew Phillip Cunanan (August 31, 1969 – July 23, 1997) was an American serial killer of Italian[2] and Filipino[3] descent who murdered five people, including Gianni Versace, in a cross-country journey during a three-month period in 1997, ending with Cunanan's suicide, at the age of 27. In the middle of that spree, on June 12, 1997 he became the 449th fugitive to be listed by the FBI on the FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitives list.

Born in the Rancho Bernardo neighborhood of San Diego, California, Cunanan graduated from The Bishop's School in the La Jolla neighborhood of San Diego, California, in 1987.




The first murder was that of his friend Jeffrey Trail, a former US Naval Officer and propane salesman on April 27, 1997, in Minneapolis, Minnesota. [3] The next victim was architect David Madson, who was found on the east shore of Rush Lake near Rush City, MN after the Minnesota Corrections Association Fishing Tournament on April 29, 1997 with gunshot wounds to the head. Police recognized a connection, as Trail's body had been found in Madson's Minneapolis loft apartment, and started an intensive nationwide manhunt.

Cunanan next drove to Chicago and killed prominent real-estate developer Lee Miglin, 72, on May 4, 1997. Five days later, the intensive manhunt for Cunanan, who escaped in Miglin's car, culminated with the fourth victim in Pennsville, New Jersey, at the Finn's Point National Cemetery, killing caretaker William Reese, 45, on May 9, 1997. Cunanan apparently killed him for his pickup truck, while leaving Miglin's car behind.

While the manhunt focused on Reese's truck, Cunanan remained in hiding in Miami Beach, Florida, for months between his fourth and fifth murders. Finally, for his fifth murder he chose fashion designer Gianni Versace, who was killed on July 15, 1997.

Eight days later, on July 23, Cunanan committed suicide in the upstairs bedroom aboard a Miami houseboat apparently to avoid capture by the police, who finally discovered Reese's stolen truck nearby and obtained tips from neighbors that someone resembling Cunanan was living in the houseboat.

The gun used by Cunanan for some of the murders was a Taurus semi-automatic pistol in .40 S&W caliber, which had been left behind in California by first victim Jeff Trail when he relocated to the Midwest.[3]




At the time of the crimes, there was much public and press speculation that Cunanan's motives were tied to a diagnosis of HIV infection; however, an autopsy found him to be HIV-negative. Cunanan was widely reported to have engaged in prostitution with older men.[4] Media speculation connected the fact that most of his victims were older gay men to Cunanan's prostitution, but after Cunanan's suicide it is impossible to identify motives with certainty.

What is known about Andrew Cunanan is brief. He spent money lavishly on himself (owing Neiman Marcus $46,000 at his death[citation needed]) and dealt drugs including cocaine and methamphetamine. He was fluent in seven languages by age 21.

Cunanan frequented the gay neighborhoods in San Diego, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. Most who knew Cunanan described him as intelligent, articulate, vain, and charming. One partner described Cunanan's sexual tastes as "extreme." The same partner attested to Cunanan's like of violent and sadomasochistic pornography.

courtesy of wikipedia

and now here are the killers and their 4th single for reasons unknown

rocky mountain roundup

it is almost the time for my imagination and recovery to soar to a new height. it is almost the time for the roundup is very near- just 2 weeks away. i am getting excited and i want to get outta town for a coupla days, too. the roundup is a celebration of recovery and the 12 step process which has brought some amazing relief and blessings to my life. there are some things i find fascinating about the whole concept.

firstly, ours is a glbt roundup, which really warms my heart inside. addiction and substance abuse are fairly commonplace in our community, so it is challenging to stay connected with community when one leaves substance use and the other behind without slipping right back into old behaviors. drugs and alcohol are so ingrained in our culture that even our pride events (our own holy days as it were) are sponsored by alcohol distributors. so the opportunity to engage in community and retain recovery is like an oasis in the sahara.

secondly, it is amazingly heartwarming to see so many people who have left the darkness and isolation of addiction behind, and have ventured out into the daylight and managed to relight their fires. so many stories, and so very many storytellers. i think we have about 110 persons registered as of today. i assume that will grow. and i am hoping that this becomes a holiday for me. the roundup, i mean. a time to reflect and to look ahead. and a time to smile quietly and also jump up and down.

part of the beauty of this organization has been the fundraisers throughout the year that are held to raise money for the roundup. we have had dances, dinners, no-talent shows, and picnics. these have enhanced and nurtured the individual fellowships as we have gone along. and the roundup's attendance at fundraisers alone has grown by about 25 or 50 percent this last year. people do really want to be around other people in a safe and sober environment.

i have been blessed to sit on the board of this organization for a year now. i am from a different fellowship than many of the other board members and i have a different take on things. and my counterparts have been nothing but kind, open minded, and loving, and i think that the differing vantage points has added flavor to the whole mix. part of my agenda (yes virginia, there is an agenda) is to give recovery some much needed positive visibility in my community. i don't think there is anything shameful or distasteful about recovery. (now, denial is another thing entirely) lol.

we are looking for new board members and new committee members for the next year (and beyond that). this is the most fun way i have come up with to do service work. (after all, i am still planning parties) and i believe service work is the foundation for my recovery program. hope to see you in winter park august 3-5. if you need to share a room, there will be that opportunity. check the website for details and for specifics on the weekend program. the speakers are usually a highlight. it's always amazing to know that people are sober for over 15 and 20 years. i say come out to the roundup... give it a shot(no pun intended).... maybe you'll get a fire lit under your program and your perspective of recovery just might grow. recovery is worth celebrating!


now this song is definitely a retread... and it makes me giggle and smile inside....and chris m- i hope this makes you smile and giggle, too. doesn't the lulu addition make it sweeter? walk on through the night....there's a new day on the other side....

you go girl

be the 1

i got this post from mideast piece of all places. i know it is a bit dated, but it stopped me for a minute in my tracks and made me wonder why i don't do more for others. why i don't scream and shout about the inequities in situations like this. i know, though, that being out and living as the best and kindest person i am able is a good start. sometimes i think that other gay men who hide and deny their wounds and nongay identified men who have hidden and suppressed feelings are the biggest dangers to us- emotionally and physically. i believe the perpetrators of these atrocities are us- ourselves- just not in touch with themselves. how do we stop ourselves from eating ourselves alive? i want to start on the road to making a difference. making a change. it goes from
you or me
to you and me
to you are me.

i hope i can get to that - really get to that - someday.

gay cowboys?

this sounds like fun to me.....



Life Group LA 'Saddles Up' for AIDS Benefit

Everybody grab their boots, southern barbecue, and favorite cowboy because Life Group L.A. is gearing up for it's second annual "Saddle Up L.A." horseback ride to benefit AIDS research. The trail ride kicks off on Saturday, August 25th 2007 and will raise money to provide education, empowerment and emotional support to persons infected and affected by HIV/AIDS.

Founded in 2005, The Life Group LA is dedicated to helping people who live with HIV/AIDS make informed choices regarding their healthcare and general well being. Using a variety of methodologies such as peer support groups, public medical forums and the POZ Life Weekend Seminar, the Life Group LA creates educational and empowering experiences in a safe, confidential and nonjudgmental environment.

The successful and award winning event last year inspired this sophomore outing and a slew of celebrities have added their names to the charity which has already raised over 25,000. Joining the ride this year as honorary trail guides are Gilmore Girls, Damian Pelliccione, Fox 11 News Correspondent Christina Gonzales, renowned actor Jason Stuart, and singer/songwriter, Stephanie Erdel.

The event will be held in Los Angeles's Griffith Park Mountains, and if you don't have a horse don't worry. They will be provided on a first come basis. The ride concludes with a good old southern style BBQ/Pool Party, a poolside fashion show, and an award ceremony. If you can't make the ride, at least come for the party.

For more information regarding Saddle Up LA. 2007 or to register for the ride, please visit: www.saddleupla.org or contact Sunnie Rose at 888-208-8081

Written By Dylan Vox for GayWired


and this looks like fun to me, too....

i love living in the west.. but do ya suppose they are really cowboys?

dance hall days

i am including a shot of christian for his hairstyle only. no other inferences are intended. the hair is a beautiful example of 80's hair to me. a little highlight, a little product, and accessorized with maybe a dangle earring. (although, we didn't call it product then, we called it gel)

there is an excerpt here from life or meth which has stuck with me since the first time i read it. following that, i am attaching to one of the big dance hits from medusa's circa 1983 because i think it's completely apropos. this was definitely a cult hit because it is a very universal tale. i get goose pimples every time i hear it. and i remember how it filled the floor with boys who were shaking loose their secret sadness.


this passage defines precisely the message i hope to begin to leave as a gift for the gay men to follow me. come out- be who you are- but before you start the party and celebrate your sexuality and freedom, take the time to heal the wounds and scars you bring from all those years of deception, lies, and character assassinations. shine a light on them. don't hide them. this will hopefully help you lead a healthier and happier life.

Yyou have a lot of young gay men coming into the city; they were the nerds in high school, the wallflower, the ugly kid. They feel the city is the place to be sexy, to be a star, and they get a false burst of confidence with a drug like this."
~ John Cameron Mitchell [Director]

March 2003. John is 21, and arrives in New York anticipating that a climate of tolerance and acceptance awaits. He is typical of gay men the world over who have long flocked to the metropolitan cities to be less visible and to congregate with others like themselves. However, we arrive and establish our own gyms, clubs, shops and cafes - ghettos - and bring with us all of the emotional scarring, guilt and shame that we attached to our homosexuality in our formative years

John's first experience of New York's commercial gay scene, therefore, far from being inviting, is mostly unfriendly, indifferent and intimidating because almost everyone, it seems, is projecting their internalised homophobia and insecurities at everyone else. Gay-identified men who grow up in loving, accepting environments often find it difficult identifying and mixing with complex, baggage-heavy men, tending either to avoid socialising where gay men converge or lead fulfilled lives away from the psychological assault course posed by the scene.

In such environments, fear reveals itself in over-inflated egos and attitude; the degree to which individuals reinforce their delusions about what they think they are. Some people are so lost in their fantasy world of denial and illusion that they have difficulty discerning even the most basic truths, or to accept the glaringly obvious even when it is staring them square in the face.

"The power of both illusion and delusion should never be underestimated. The compulsion to believe in something we need and want to be true, rather than see reality for what it is, can at times be astounding."
~ Gary Younge [The Guardian]

Despite its immense ugliness to grounded, balanced people who have their egos in check, attitude is merely a person's automatic defence mechanism to the inner pain, guilt and turmoil that arises from the loss of a connection to the heart centre and separation from love.

"If one drops denial, one will see that falsehood, manipulation and distortion of truth cater prevalently to man's lowest propensities and pervade all society."
~ David R. Hawkins [The Eye of the I]

diamonds are a girl's best friend

today i am highlighting one of my favorite blogs. methed up


well not best friend perhaps, but at least someone i have come to admire. strange title, i suppose. but not really if you are coming from my perspective. i get much of my inspiration from other blogs as i've come to realize many of us do. and i know that this site is part of my healing process. i have no doubt that sometimes i post nonsensical items, because i can't find my muse. but at times, i am able to wring out some honest truths and real feelings amidst all the chaos that goes on constantly in my head. and this is the universe's blessing in blogging for me.

in the beginning of this process of learning how to blog, there was a fellow who was going through a similar situation, albeit with less clean time and he contacted me by a comment on my first blogsite. i was so shocked that anybody would even consider reading, but he did. and he tugged at my heart. he wrote of his struggle, and of a relapse, of a journey to rehab, and of a heart-wrenching injection drama in a bus station and he instantly hooked me into caring about his journey.

he has gained a little more clean time now, and his entries are much less frenetic as they were a while back. less chaotic perhaps, but certainly no less engaging. i have become a huge fan, and interested in his welfare and his journey. i am posting his last entry and i encourage you to check out his blog. if there is someone who personifies a legitimate and poetic recovery process, it is chris m. he is a joy to read. and it is a miracle to witness (albeit by post) this coal transforming into a diamond.

Above all other art forms I love writing. I appreciate the power of words. I read slowly, not because I am a slow reader, but because I love the sound of words and the feel of them on my tongue. A delicious description or well crafted phrase engage me in a way that no other art can. I love writers that can break my heart and I love writers that can make me laugh out loud. My friend Tom told me recently of a book that actually made him scream out loud but that he was unable to put down. I’ve lived through enough horror to even want to know what that was about though I admit an admiration of a writer who can do that.

I have never thought of myself as a writer; only as a a reader. Being a writer, though, ranks among my top dream careers. I have read things I wrote in my twenties and not recognized them as my own, but paused, instead, to marvel at how good they were. Years of crystal meth abuse have dimmed my mind noticeably so, I’m afraid, my career as a writer is done before I started.

I take comfort in knowing there are others like me out there, writing anyway, in spite of the feeling that the years of dulling our minds might remove the glint of brilliance from our prose. One such (very attractive) man is MonkeysMoose, who writes:

No matter how good I thought I was at something as I started it (whatever it was), I soon allowed myself to believe that any final result of my effort would be greatly inferior to anyone else.

That was one thing that happened to my writing.

On the surface I knew I had talent.

But the years of damage caused by crystal meth usage made me start to think no one would feel the same way about my stories.

I also suspect that some of my best material may come from my years as an addict. If Augusten Burroughs can get Dry and whats-his-name can be shattered into a Million Fucking Pieces then why shouldn’t I be able to mine the caverns of my despair for gems?

Fear. I suppose it’s fear.

for a more indepth look at chris m's soul go to.....methed up

or see his other blog.....random journal

and then just for fun:

Kylie minogue - diamonds are a girls best friend
Uploaded by cromotion

you know the party's over when.....

how do we know when the party is over? i got the following thoughts from the toronto meth site.. hi my name is tina. there is something similar on tweaker.org, too. it makes good sense to me. but once we are in the throes of heavy use, it's kinda hard to have a rational brain anymore.... but in case you have questions about your use...


Although there are many ways to fill our needs, some of us chose Tina. How do we know if we’ve crossed the line and are in trouble with Tina? Unfortunately, there’s no clear-cut answer to this question; everyone’s line is different. For example, getting high every other weekend may be fine for someone else but too much for us. Some of us can use occasionally for years without any problems. Some of us never binge but have problems with relatively light use.

On some level we know if our Tina use is a problem for us, although it may be hard for us to see or admit it. Here are a collection of experiences that have been ‘red flags’ for other guys. If any of these are familiar to you, you might want to think further about your own use. This may mean using less, stopping for while, or quitting altogether.

Life:
• The party is over when we become used to spending every weekend high and when the beginning of every week is hell.

• The party is over when what we use the computer for most is cruising for PnP hook-ups.

• The party is over when we realize that we can’t remember everyone we were with last night and are grateful we can’t, because some of those guys were scary. Come to think of it, we must have been scary too.

• The party is over when it takes two hours to get ready to leave the house.

• The party is over when we keep making excuses for missing work.

• The party is over when we begin many projects and complete none of them.

• The party is over when we have several dealers and know where to get Tina 24/7.

• The party is over when using is something we need to do and don’t enjoy anymore.

• The party is over when we need Tina to feel accepted because of age, race, or disability issues.

• The party is over when we miss holidays with family because we were too busy having sex with people we don't even know.

• The party is over when we chose Tina over our lover.

• The party is over when we can’t imagine how we used to be so productive before Tina. How did we get all that accomplished?

• The party is over if we have lost important friendships or relationships.

• The party is over when we remember all the twisted, sick shit we got ourselves into.

• The party is over when we say and do things we wish we had never said or done.




and my experience tells me that i mulled many of these thoughts over and over again in my head. but once that bitch had a grasp on my feelgood it was almost too late. i had to lose quite a bit before i could even begin to let go of her. and my experience also tells me that it takes more than just "28 days" to shake her free too. the brain changes that occur to do meth are extensive and need time ( not medication) to repair. post-tina dopamine levels are low, and a life without dopamine is dull indeed. and the truth is, in the beginning, i thought i could handle it. after all, i had done a neely o'hara with coke, with freebasing, with booze, and with hiv. but this one-tina- she was different. she probably still is, too. i do know that there were so many many times that i told myself that if i got high with tina one more time, it would be different. and i guess it was. it got progressively worse.

Propellerheads & S. Bassey
Uploaded by bernie-noel

pee in a cup

just out today aids-write.org

i got a heads up from richard kearns at aids-write about this post. it was originally posted on craigslist on july 4th. it's fascinating and i thought i would share it.

i have some opinions here, but i would rather hear what you may have to say.


WeeTest© We are a group of Medical Cannabis patients against meth
________________________________________
Reply to: comm-366801340@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-04, 11:50PM PDT

We are a group of Medical Cannabis patients against meth use and other hard drugs.

We have our meetings and we play a game we call WeeTest©. Any one of us can purchase ANY $40 dollar drug urine test and pass around the dice at the next meeting. We all roll the dice until snake eyes come up, Whoever gets snake eyes on the dice pees in the cup . It is OK to come up positive for cannabis. If you come up positive for other illegal drugs you will not be allowed into the meetings for another month and then you must test negative to get back in the door of that meeting. This WeeTest© game is part of our weekly meeting ritual. All newcomers are expected to bring any home drug screening test they can find at their local pharmacy that screens for meth and other drugs so we can use it on you or another newcomer.

We are a club that is against the use of hard drugs and drunkenness.

We draw the line between Medical Cannabis medicating and hard drug abuse and drunkenness. If you do not like our mission leave us alone. We are against harm in every way. We do not want any druggies hanging around us and we are dead serious about it. We are tired of alcoholics and druggies messing up our medical needs based environment. If you are interested in being initiated into our group email me. Narcs are welcome to come. We are on your side. Stop the harm. Stop the waste of lives. We draw the line. WeeTest©

On Ebay I have seen urine drug screening tests as low as 6 dollars per test. Play the WeeTest© game with your family. It works. It can save your family. Are you afraid to play? Why? Is dad afraid to play? Is mom afraid to play? Are the kids afraid to play the WeeTest© game. Who’s afraid to play WeeTest game? It’s nothing personal and it can be very random. It could save your family. Play it with your friends to see who they really are. Show them who you really are. Roll the dice. Snake eyes and your it. Some dice, a drug testing kit, and some guts is all you need to play the WeeTest© game. Show your family and your friends who you really are. Play the WeeTest© game.

what do you think?

homo town fair

rocky mountain roundup had a fundraiser on the 4th of july in denver at cheesman park. it was such a nice vibe. we had 99 paying participants and roughly 10 scholarships. it was hot that day, but most of the folks sat in the shade and tried to stay cooler. there was a pretty even mix of men and women. and probably around 10 kids or so.

after the food, we did have some silly organized activities. we held an egg-in-the-spoon race. we had teams of 5 doing laps around an american flag balancing an egg in a spoon. and we only broke 3 eggs.

there was a 3-legged race, a potato sack race, a water balloon toss, and a tug-of-war ( over 40 versus under 40). of course the over 40's won- so few people under 40 are in recovery and out about it. and there was volleyball happening all afternoon.

i honestly believe our members had fun. people got along. people were happy. people were engaged. people laughed. they participated. sobriety and recovery really can be fun. it was homespun fun- or homo spun fun. and it made our hearts smile.

and for you people not residing in denver- we are finding that collaborating with glbt members of other 12 step fellowships actually creates a stronger recovering community. our individual fellowships- i.e. ca,aa,cma,na,oa,alan are not weakened. quite the opposite, they may be strenghtened due to the influx of new ideas and faces and ideas.

you're welcome to experience community the 12 step way aug 3-5 in winter park.
roundup