image and post courtesy of the black gay men's blog
I recently sat down for brunch with a very interesting, retired black gay male escort, who wanted to share his story with Black Gay Men’s Blog. We are calling him Duane because he prefers to remain anonymous, but felt that his story of prostitution aka hustling, drug addiction, bareback sex, AIDS, depression and isolation might be beneficial to some of our readers.
Before I go any further, let me warn you that some of the details recounted might be disturbing. I had a very frank, deep and disturbing interview with Duane over brunch and I am going to try my best to share HIS story without interjecting any judgment. I ask that you guys try not to be too harsh on him as I think we can all learn something from Duane’s story.
Duane is a black gay male, aged 30, who currently lives in Brooklyn, NY. He was raised in Manhattan, as an only child, by a single mother, who sadly passed away 6 years ago. Duane has only met his father once when he was a kid and has no idea where he is today. Duane was diagnosed with AIDS(hopefully you know that there is a difference between an AIDS diagnosis and being HIV positive), when he found out he was positive in September 2010. He currently has a host of health complications and is a shadow of his former self – an extremely attractive black man. Current physical appearance aside, there is something very endearing about Duane and I found myself able to see the inner him and not what he had done, or become..... read the rest of this entry at the black gay men's blog
i would like to share a tidbit of some ideas i was introduced to in dc last month and am actively helping to bring some formalized and targeted trainings to denver and to colorado as well. in contrast to the environment that exists in large urban gay centers, there is a stigma and a "closeted" aspect to living with hiv in less densely populated areas, as well as with non-gay identified populations.
what is also commonly reported is that the affected populations have evolved to include sub-populations in addition to men who have sex with men. this is hopefully a very directed response to be mindful of these groups as well. the reality of peer based education and support is becoming more widely accepted.
the atmosphere was so electrically charged in the "high hair and everything black" 80's that a certain sound can bring much of that back in an instant. the music was rich and abundant, and a "world music" sound was infiltrating dance music on both sides of the pond. but there were many things going on outside the precious dance halls of our very catered-to lives, too. the world was getting smaller it seemed. and there were some new kids in town making a big splash. their names were famine, apartheid, and plague. these n'er-do-wells were not just seen on southern shores, and the connections between ourselves and africa are astounding still. the issues we were dealing with at that time are still with us, although they have evolved. most of our "aids" panic has moved to other coasts. but definitely remains in africa. if only we could mobilize that continent's nations as we have done on northern soil. but some of those nations are still dealing with genocide and hatred. we certainly would have much much more to sing about if these could disappear. still, a thread that connects our lands began then and continues to grow. remember "do they even know it's christmas" and boomtown rats' bob geldorf and his "live aid"? or the clash's "sandinista" album? (i know it's anti-america and about nicaragua, but it helped pave the path to a more social awareness) and even "sun city" by little steven? mtv and my dance hall days broadcast the beginning of my generations' understanding of our own frailty in contrast to the injustices around the globe and in our own backyard, of the world's interdependence, and the beginnings of a higher consciousness and how much impact we could have and how much power we might muster. we didn't need to take life's punches lying down. i believe we began to know ourselves as citizens of the world and the brits were leading the way.
1980s - In 1985, a State of Emergency was declared in South Africa that would last for five years. This was a result of riots and unrest that had arisen in response to Apartheid, the system of racial segregation that had been in place since the 1950s. Apartheid prohibited mixed-race marriages and sex between different ethnic groups, and categorised separate areas in which different races lived. In the same year, the government set up the country’s first AIDS Advisory Group in response to the increasingly apparent presence of HIV amongst South Africans. The first recorded case of AIDS in South Africa was diagnosed in 1982, and although initially HIV infections seemed mainly to be occurring amongst gay men, by 1985 it was clear that other sectors of society were also affected. Towards the end of the decade, as the abolition of Apartheid began, an increasing amount of attention was paid to the AIDS crisis.
it's really very interesting right now. i am not employed full time, yet i seem to be quite busy. i am actively trying to rustle up articles for the next SIN newsletter. and i still have to write my column.
My life is changing just as quickly as i type. there definitely is a new life waiting in the wings, and a plethora of new experiences.i only have to hold faith. somehow i am feeling blessed with the volunteer work i am doing. in my post today, i am including an article that one of the guys of SIN has written because i think it explains one good reason why i feel expanding gay men's hiv community in denver is so important. i met this young man at the UB2 in january. when he told me he had just found out his status last september- he won my heart. here is what he has written. at 27, he strikes me as exceptionally aware. it's not a short read, but i believe it merits the time it takes. i hope you agree.
The Second Closet
As for someone who has been diagnosed with HIV for less than a year, it hardly seems appropriate that I would be writing on life as a young, positive gay man. In fact my HIV knowledge was so low before that when my doctor walked in the room and confirmed that I was indeed positive, the first thing I thought was "I am going to die; maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow. But in 20 years, I will definitely be dead." Luckily it only took me two days to get in to see the specialist. I quickly learned that a healthy lifestyle and proper medication management would be my tools for a normal life expectancy. Essentially, I now had something like diabetes. But I did not feel like a diabetic person. I felt much worse, much more embarrassed, and definitely ashamed. I dreaded the idea of telling my family. I had no clue which friends I could trust and rely on. I secretly met men over the internet that were in the same shoes, many of whom were older. "There will be a time when you don't even think about it anymore," one guy told me. "I wouldn't recommend telling anyone!" a different guy warned. "And don't tell anyone about me!" This was indeed one of the most confusing times in my life. Yet it all felt too familiar. I kept wondering where I had heard this kind of stuff before. And then it hit me: I was in a second closet. Only this time I would not be a gay kid trying to open up to a heterosexual world. Instead, I would be an HIV positive man trying to find acceptance in a gay world. From an outsider perspective, this doesn't make sense. The gay community is supposed to be not only accepting of this disease but extremely supportive. There are fundraisers, galas, walks and balls galore to benefit HIV. So why would someone feel such shame and the need to go into hiding for a second round? I definitely do no not know the answer to this, but I seem to witness it on a regular basis. Many of the men I met on-line discussed the topic of disclosure. Some of these guys hid their status from their families. Others talked about how it should be kept out of the workplace. One guy even kept it secret from his closest friends, gay or not. He advised me to not tell any sexual hook-ups as well as to wait at least six months to tell anyone that I meet. I even saw trends like this when my HIV negative boyfriend had to tell his volleyball teammates that he would be missing the next game. Like a wave of the magician's hand, he easily distracted his peers to avoid any mention of the HIV community forum we would be attending. His intentions were to respect my privacy. However it also felt like he was trying his best not to "out" me. From my own personal observation, the second closet seems to occur more in the younger generations and newly diagnosed persons such as myself. Pretty much all of the men I met that were above the age of forty were out and honest about their status. Some even spoke of their HIV as a badge of honor and survival. And in a way, the long term survivors are kind of like those who have been to war. Although the battles may have been different, certainly watching your peers die could have felt the same. "Being in the closet about HIV is an insult to those who have died," one man told me over some Chinese food. "Guys do not know how lucky they have it now with these medications. We weren’t so lucky then. And now they have the balls to hide it? It is offensive!" Even though his view point may have been a bit extreme, I couldn’t help but kind of agree with him. Prior to my diagnosis, I didn't really know anyone with HIV, especially in my age group. So when I found out I was positive, it all left me feeling lonely. Suddenly I was the child on the playground that no one wanted to play with because he had cooties. This train of thought can’t be healthy for anyone living with disease. Younger generations function on a different level than older generations. Whether we like to admit it or not, people in their twenties and thirties are much more concerned with image. We work harder to get laid than we do to put money in our 401k. Young gay men are definitely no exception to this. Some proclaim that they do not care what people think because they worked hard to accept their sexuality and come out of the closet. Ironically, these are some of the same guys who desperately hope that others see the Prada label on their shirt while at the bar. It is human nature for us to receive social gratification from one other. As Charles Cooley described it in his theory of the "Looking Glass Self," we view ourselves as how we think others perceive us. And we would be naive to think that the stigma of HIV does not run any risk of social rejection. If any of us experience this rejection, no doubt we would internalize it and feel even worse about ourselves. So it seems blatantly obvious as to why someone would stay in this closet. Even though the closet may offer some level of safety in a social aspect (and probably a better sex life), it essentially just causes an ironic cycle of stigma. When one person gets diagnosed, they feel the shame of the stigma. They then go into the closet and do not talk openly about their status with their gay peers. This reduces the amount of awareness which then sends the message that HIV is not prevalent in our community. This also sends the message that someone should feel shamed when they are diagnosed. So when another guy finds out he is positive, he ends up feeling even more alone and scared. Therefore he enters the closet and the cycle happens all over again. To make matters worse, individuals who lack any support systems are more likely to turn to dangerous resources in order to cope such as drugs or even suicide. But does coming out about our status really help reduce the stigma? It certainly seems like it. Again, it appears to really parallel itself with coming out as being gay or lesbian. There was a time when only a few persons were "out" about being gay. These were the elephant freak shows of society. But the more people opened up about their sexuality, the more strong social advancements were made. And today, the ones who reject homosexuality can often be seen as their own little freak shows. Other cities perhaps are proving this as well. I have heard stories of far off lands with names such as "New York" or "San Francisco" where there is so much awareness about HIV that people in the community do not even care if you are positive or negative. You just are who you are (as long as you have a six pack anyway). Granted, Denver is no New York or San Francisco. Our city may have grown a lot, but we still have a small town attitude towards a lot of things. Our gay community is just as guilty of this, whether we like to admit it or not. The community has done an amazing job at raising money towards programs and non-profits related to HIV. But now is the time to start raising social awareness in order to reduce the undeserved stigma of this disease. And social groups like Strength In Numbers is a great place to start. This way, people do not have to go into hiding when they hear what may be some of the worst possible news of their lives. I personally may have not had a whole lot of time with HIV. At his point, I still kind of feel like I am dancing with the devil. But that will stop only if I take the steps to stop it. I know I can continue to attend any SIN events in order to gain more comfort with my positive status. Talking to other guys (especially around my age) can only help me feel normal again. And with that, I can obtain the courage to be honest with my fellow gay man and not enter the closet for a second time. I can show that if HIV can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. I may receive some criticism along the way. But if I can help just one other person not feel like a freak, then it will be worth it.
As a much more hiv-experienced man, i believe that so many of the guys with survival time like me have so much to offer these young men, and for us to expect them to make this journey on their own is unthinkable. i don't want to tell men like him how to live with this, just be available in case he needs a shoulder or a hand and remind him that indeed surviving AND thriving can be done. i mean, this alone shapes a truly priceless reason for me to have come this far, n'est ce pas?
i found this vid on international carnival of pozitivities. it's quite a perspective. it certainly is not my perspective, but i can truly appreciate it. i believe that blaming someone who has tested positive is counterintuitive. and i think trying to use blame as a prevention is short-lived and separates community and sends some folks into isolation.
pull up closer so you might hear. we'll tell you a tale of yesteryear. the likes of which have been told before and no doubt repeated when we're no more. but tonight we shine a light on this wondrous time. a time of abundance and a time of drought. a time full of pride and a time that borne prejudice. these were my dance hall days.
ACT I PROLOGUE
The Period
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way--in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
Charles Dickens- A Tale Of Two Cities.
June 5, 1981, MMWR published a report of five cases of
Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia (PCP) among previously healthy young men in Los
Angeles (1 ). All of the men were described as “homosexuals”; two had died. Local
clinicians and the Epidemic Intelligence Service (EIS) Officer stationed at the Los
Angeles County Department of Public Health, prepared the report and submitted it
for MMWR publication in early May 1981. Before publication, MMWR editorial staff
sent the submission to CDC experts in parasitic and sexually transmitted diseases.
The editorial note that accompanied the published report stated that the case histories suggested a “cellular-immune dysfunction related to a common exposure” and
a “disease acquired through sexual contact.” The report prompted additional case
reports from New York City, San Francisco, and other cities. At about the same time,
CDC’s investigation drug unit, the sole distributor of pentamidine, the therapy for PCP, began to receive requests for the drug from physicians also to treat young men. In June 1981, CDC developed an investigative team to identify risk factors and to
develop a case definition for national surveillance. Within 18 months, epidemiologists conducted studies and prepared MMWR reports that identified all of the major risks factors for acquired immnodeficiency syndrome (AIDS). In March 1983, CDC issued recommendations for prevention of sexual, drug-related, and occupational
transmission based on these early epidemiologic studies and before the cause of the
new, unexplained illness was known.
Back To the Underground
Following the collapse of the 70's Disco empire, the sound of disco did not die, but much of it returned back into clubs away from the mainstream music industry, or what was known as the underground. Much like in the early 70's, during the early 80's dance clubs became the key locations for hearing and experiencing the latest in Dance music. Dance music had largely disappeared from movies and television and was on life support on radio. Key clubs, however, continued to thrive. Among these were 3 New York clubs, the FunHouse, Paradise Garage, and The Saint, which live on in memories and legends as well as their impact in development of specific genres of Dance music.
above excerpt courtesy of wedanced.com
our catalysts enter shouting and carrying signs:
FIRST ACT UP DEMONSTRATION
WALL STREET March 24, 1987
Outraged by the government's mismanagement of the AIDS crisis, concerned individuals unite to form the AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power. ACT UP's first demonstration takes place three weeks later on March 24th 1987 on Wall Street, the financial center, to protest the profiteering of pharmaceutical companies (especially Burroughs Wellcome, manufacturer of AZT). Seventeen people are arrested. Shortly after the demonstration, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announces it will shorten its drug approval process by two years. | ACT UP Capsule History |
[Transcript]
CHANTING: WE ARE ANGRY, WE WANT ACTION, WE ARE ANGRY, WE WANT ACTION.
CHANTING: RELEASE THOSE DRUGS, RELEASE THOSE DRUGS, RELEASE THOSE DRUGS.
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
END ACT I PROLOGUE
the dance halls were loud, cacaphonous, and crowded and crazy and fantastic. we wouldn't feel as alone there and we we could drown out the silent screams in our heads. one of the only constants that many of us let trickle through to our numbed senses was the rhythm, the melody, the harmony, and the lyrics. and those voices. that thumping bass, those incredible recorded vocals, that laughter, and those lights. assimilation, indoctrination, training camp, telecommunication. dance halls made welcome this gay man's midnight rider.
offstage music plays, laughter carries, and lights are flashing as the epoch closes and dance hall days seem to fade..... or are they really fading?
what do i remember about those gay nineties? i know that throughout the first half i lived like i was dodging a bullet. in my head, in my heart, in my soul, i was ducking, bobbing, weaving, hiding, and running away from the great possibility of the times. that dying thing that so many gay men were doing then. it was overwhelming, really. so mind boggling that most of my peers were walking with ptsd. everywhere we looked around us, we were fading. we were diminishing. we were disappearing.
then in 96, dr ho and his miracle cocktail came out of the woodwork. it was very much like oz, after the house squashed the wicked witch of the west. gay men we had stopped seeing started to come out of hiding. our lives shifted. in the space of 2 years or so, the once permanent darkness was fading and blue skies and sunshine once again became part of the landscape. come out, come out wherever you are became the phrase of the moment- in many more ways than one.
just like the seventies and the eighties, the nineties are a miracle time in the history of gay american culture. hell gay culture and well, culture everywhere for that matter. the quilt, the march on washington, the red ribbon campaign, the healthcare system makeover, the cocktail. the scourge is not over. the war has not ceased. there is no truce yet. there are many, many casualties still. on our little continent though, that decade brought a miracle. and i am humbled, still, to this day as i look out on the horizon.
i know i will always remember the 90's. it was just like going over niagra falls in a barrel. scary as hell while i was in it, but such a relief and feeling of accomplishment and blessing to have survived. it was definitely an adventure. i know my nineties were gay.
the newest edition of icp is now up. this month it is being hosted at drop dead happy.... there are some very diverse perspectives on HIV/AIDS in the world today. i strongly urge you to visit the site and support its mission and expand your own view of what is going on in the world around the 25 year old virus today.
when you click on the site and scroll down you will see one of my posts from last month entitled "abysmal baptismal". i am proud to support the carnival as HIV as well as AIDS have touched my life personally almost the entirety of the years it has been in our knowledge.
i also really love queen latifahs new cd trav'lin light. here are samples from that cd
i am happy to be a part of this particular organization. i am in the place in my life to be celebrating my life in a way that wasn't possible before. i also am of the mind that poz men need to stick together and organize so that as we age, we can do it with other gay men's eyes and hearts. i don't want to get older and have to go back into the closet. i broken too many rules for that.
somehow, i have been graced to become the online moderator for the Colorado chapter. we had a meeting today and have some fun things coming up. we would love you to join the fun, meet new people, and learn a little about thriving.
perhaps there is a chapter in your city. support them if you can. there are still men testing positive and the community support for them is not the same as it was back in the 80's and 90's.
as i read the comments from today's earlier post as well as some of the emails i got, i felt lifted. there are commons spaces and footprints. there are shared experiences still out in the world, too. sometimes it has seemed a solo journey. but, that's my head telling me something that just ain't necessarily so.
big smooch to y'all. thank you universe for allowing me to see that it can be good and that i'm not alone in much of the way i frame the world.
every once in awhile, i do a post with this title. dance hall days were incredible. they were the celebration before our collective ship hit that iceberg. 1980-1983. that's when our titanic sliced her belly, started to submerge, and the evacuations began. that's when it all changed. that's when we saw the panic, the lifeboats, the heroism, the cowardice, and all the rest of the tales of mice and men. that's when history moved. i do remember the joy. i remember the colors. i remember the joie de vivre. i remember the laughter.
so i go back to those days now and again, because i loved so much of my life then. and because i need to remember. i took them for granted. i thought those glory days would last forever. and i know since i have foolishly done many unattractive things to try to keep those days alive. but they drifted into the mists like avalon with so many lost in the undertow along with them. and i now know that there is a morning after.
this sounds so somber and it's not my intention. i do hold sadness when i remember these days. but i hold joy along with it. my laugh was lighter then. my stride was gayer, and my heart was much more open.
so i arrived at melancholy place because i was surfing youtube and i came across this vid. omg- sharon redd performed at medusa's in 1983 or 84(can't exactly remember). she was talented. she had been a backup singer for bette midler and had then gone out on her own. she had a few hits. i had a blast with her when she performed with us. i do remember a little drama at the end of the "evening" which i think was actually 8 or 9 am. we did trip the light fantastic back then. i witnessed drug induced paranoia which i had never seen before, but would experience first and second hand in the years to come.
sharon left our world in 1992, i believe. it was aids-related. she earned her place at my table of memories. she was a warrior, just like so many i know. and she left our world a better place with the gifts she shared with us.
i encourage you to look at some of the other clips offered on the menu bar of this vid. "beat the street" was a sound i remember really loving at the time. but i chose this one for it's absolutely quintessential 80's flavor.
i wouldn't trade those days. can't anyway, but wouldn't if i could. i am so thankful i lived in and remember my dance hall days.
i am not sure how to start this post. i want to say "as part of my service work in my recovery" but i am not sure that truly applies. i am currently co-chairing a committee for plwh that funnels into the planning council for the mayor's office of hiv resources. this council helps steer the categories for ryan white funding. we have renamed the committee rebuilt+. it's an odd assignment because there are so few people interested in participating that i have come across.
i can't say i blame them. it's really pretty dry. we have meetings and we discuss any issues or details that might be in front of the council at that time. but there is no perceived need for advocacy currently. and perhaps there isn't any real need. or is there?
i live in denver and my take is that it is a very conservative city. people don't air their dirty laundry. people don't talk about what isn't working, they just grin and bear it. i'm not quite sure what the historical reason for this behavior is, but i do know that it is a city that has been populated over the years by many relocating people some of whom were trying to get away from something, whether it's the law or society, or people, i'm not sure. but it definitely seems to be a town of myob.
and so when i drifted back to denver from the west coast as i was trying to either die or quit crystal, i tried to get into recovery, but i had a hella tuff time finding anybody that was on a parallel path. that was frustrating and provided me with even more reasons to believe that i was a loser and there would probably be no real help for me. i cannot guarantee that much of this was due to my brain having been in a cuisinart with crystal meth for a couple of years either.
so back to my reason for posting. i steer this committee and i am struggling to get people interested in this advocacy process and indeed in their own futures. when i said there is no perceived need, the emphasis really is on "perceived". the majority of plwh/hiv'ers and pwa's in this town (and probably many cities) are over 40. the survival time is lengthy here and people thrive because of the climate, the pace of life, and the lack of competition for services. but the emerging and possible emerging issues about living with this virus are not being addressed currently by local aso's, treatment providers, or by any pwa organizations.
we are aging. it's a fact and no denial will change that. we are living longer, yes. well beyond the ages any of us believed we would. and aids probably won't kill us, but conditions caused by the meds may kill some of us. and there's no telling who and when that will happen.
and the other mystery is depression. maybe it's me, but i think living as a gay man has enough stress to create depression once in awhile. especially when it is attached to aging. not that we are a narcissistic culture or anything :p. and top that off with survivor's guilt, with isolation issues, diminished sexual encounters, impotence, and the rest of the joys of being over 40 or 50 and we are more than just a bad day waiting to happen.
maybe that's what some(just some) of this crystal meth fiasco is. a response to depression, isolation, ageism, homophobia, and pain management. i really believe this. look at the figures in the polls of hiv poz persons who do meth. the numbers are really staggering. something is going on. and if we don't care enough to figure it out, how do we assist others with options to redirect these self-medicating tendencies? we believe one pracical way is in public service, volunteerism, and community participation. that can be a great way for a person to see real time the results of those actions. and we think we are much more likely to find solutions to obstacles while searching in tandem, rather than a thousand independent studies. the crisis may be quelled, but the need and the practicality of working together towards a better future are alive and kicking, just as we are.
so we are going to try to raise some interest and awareness and revive this dead horse here in denver by hosting an evening out- an event. something social and something different, not necessarily just for the people who are doing well, but for the people who are being supported by ryan white services. we are going to start there because we think that some good may come from putting some love and attention there. we are not trying to raise funds, we are trying to raise involvement and self-efficacy. i know that for two years after i had lost my chi, i needed ryan white services to help get my life back in some sense of order and rediscover my core self. and i think others may experience this rejuvenation process by getting involved, too. plus, there is the reality of men newly testing positive every year. there are very few social groups and no peer support to really speak of and not much of any emotionally invested voices published anywhere locally for guys to reflect upon. so if we bring this message of health and growth through creating community, will anyone listen? will anyone care? more importantly, will that matter to me? or am i doing it because i believe it's the right thing to do? will anybody's opinion sway?
No comprehensive plan guides strategic use of AIDS-related dollars or holds government agencies accountable for steadily improved outcomes.
thanks to lifefube for the heads up on this one! And I would just like to add that just because people are not dying the way they did 20 years ago, in no way is it acceptable that people are seroconverting at the rate they still are. especially in the gay men's community. in some circles i have heard that it is inevitable that all men will be poz by the time they are 60. I wholeheartedly say "poppycock". this is absurd. that's something the "focus on the family" camp would spout, but not my own locker room. and it's pretty obvious that just nodding to wrapping ourselves in latex isn't the most effective strategy.
Call for a National AIDS Strategy for the US AIDS is a national crisis. The next President of the U.S. should develop a results-oriented AIDS strategy.
The wealthiest nation in the world is failing its own people in responding to the AIDS epidemic at home. Consider that in the U.S.:
Every year, 40,000 people are newly infected with HIV. The HIV infection rate has not fallen in 15 years. Over a million people are living with HIV. In 2002, an estimated half of people living with HIV/AIDS were not in care. African Americans represent 13% of the population but nearly half of all new HIV infections. In 2004, HIV/AIDS was the leading cause of death among black women ages 25 - 34. The unsatisfactory outcomes from our country’s response to AIDS have serious human and economic costs. A study published in 2003 found that failure to meet the government’s then goal of reducing HIV infections by half would lead to $18 billion in excess expenses through 2010.
The U.S. must develop what it asks of other nations it supports in combating AIDS: a national strategy to achieve improved and more equitable results.
To be effective, a national AIDS strategy should…
Improve prevention and treatment outcomes through reliance on evidence-based programming Set ambitious and credible prevention and treatment targets and require annual reporting on progress towards goals Identify clear priorities for action across federal agencies and assign responsibilities and timelines for follow-through Include, as a primary focus, the prevention and treatment needs of African Americans, other communities of color, gay men of all races, and other groups at elevated risk Address social factors that increase vulnerability to infection Promote a strengthened HIV prevention and treatment research effort Involve many sectors in developing the national strategy: government, business, community, civil rights organizations, faith based groups, researchers, and people living with HIV/AIDS Please sign on now so your voice can be heard. click here to sign:
below is a note from ron hudson at ICP who was kind enough to include a couple of my posts for this month's carnival which is hosted by straight, not narrow. there's a great post from fellow blogger brian at acidreflux while he was travelling thru africa. there is also a post from lorenzo at god is brown. this post captured my heart as an older gay man (eeeghad! i had a hard time typing that) listening to a younger man. and you'll see a poignant photo entry from joe is god with pictures of 20 years of ACTUP. i encourage you to explore the carnival and the cornucopia of bloggers out there. and contribute to next month's carnival. after all, we really all are living with hiv/aids. and i find that the non-poz voice is even less heard (if at all) around hiv.
Dear Friends of the International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP):
The 14th edition of the ICP is now available at Straight, Not Narrow. This edition includes original artwork from an HIV+ Colombian man, an original Spanish-language poem with translation by Mexican poet Jeannette Clariond, a video blog from the American comic ANT at his ANT Colony and a spoken-word video from my friend and 1 Giant Leap collaborator Rich Ferguson of Los Angeles, CA. Other posts address recognizing alcoholism within the HIV/AIDS community, as well as other thought-provoking articles about living with HIV/AIDS. We have a number of returning contributors as well as new participants. Please take a few minutes to visit and bookmark this edition so that you can enjoy it at your leisure over the next month.
Please visit the ICP homepage to learn more about this project and how you can contribute. We are now accepting submissions for edition 15 to be hosted at Living Mindfully with HIV. Please consider contributing your original artwork, poetry, news, personal accounts, short stories, and video or music files for the next edition. The more of you who actively submit your articles, the more I will be able to identify and solicit new participants for this project.
I hope that you will join the growing community of contributors and hosts for this important international forum for genuine voices of AIDS and allies. Please note that we are still seeking a host for our November, 2007 edition and for all editions beyond December, 2007. If you are interested in hosting the ICP, please email me and I will make the process for you as painless as possible. Return hosts are welcome!
If you have a blog, please feel free to post a notice about the availability of this edition. Also, please share this email with your friends. We need to involve as many people as possible. I really appreciate all of the links that you have added for the ICP in your blog sidebars and would encourage any of you who have not yet done so to consider adding a permanent link to the ICP to your blog.
Peace to you and yours.
Safe Journeys!
Ron Hudson
2sides2ron Poundcake Love The International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP)
since i just did the post about character defects, i thought that i would start with my most garish and prevalent defect - internalized homophobia - which translates to self hatred and self criticism. it is definitely my nemesis. it has fueled many of my destructive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. i am a sissy. indeed, i can't tell you why, really. i can give you reasons, or excuses, about the way i was raised, about the things i endured growing up, about why i act like a sissy, or talk like a sissy (as far as i know, i don't walk like a sissy, although i certainly can if the need arises).
this singular yet extremely complicated part of my being, though, is one of the most polarizing in my community. if i were to ask most gay men what they found attractive in other gay men, this particular trait would never be on the top ten of any list. as a matter of fact, it would be at the bottom five of a huge percentage. and in reality, it really is not at the top of my list either. more likely, it is at the bottom of mine, too. so it is something i completely understand and identify with. but, can you understand my conundrum? be proud, while i hate part of myself.
funny, i am almost humiliated just typing this, knowing i may actually publish it. but if i am ready to have god remove all my character defects, i have to be willing, really willing. the truly stinging aspect to all of this is not that i am a sissy. i am clear on that. it is that i am judgemental. it is that i can despise and loathe-no matter what it is- and i guess i really do.
so when i say i am ready to have god remove all these defects of character, it has to include my homophobia. i cringe when i think about asking for anything around this item, to be honest. my own homophobia is so deeply a part of my core protection. how do i let it go? this is the poison that kills so many of my contemporaries. this is the gay man's achilles heel. this causes us to attack each other, to lose our footing, to step away from who we really are. i guess i had better go to my bathroom mirror and ask for H-E-L-P again. well, i may have to be a little more willing first.
here's one thing i know. sissies, along with drag queens and stone butch dykes were hugely instrumental in securing the actual freedoms we take for granted today. they were the ones that were being beaten up with regularity and subsequently fought back, went to jail, and came right back outa jail for more. it appears that culturally, we have repaid these ground breakers by enjoying the fruits of their labor and pushing them to the outsides of the pack allowing them to be picked off by the wolves more easily. or is it just really hoping they will protect us? exactly what does that rainbow flag stand for anyway? is there just not a color for sissies? well maybe there is when it's time for us to laugh.
am i ready to have this defect in the form of judgement removed? i hope so. i really am tired of it. and i don't see how it's serving me at all. and if we can't learn to stop hating ourselves, how can we expect others to stop? evidently, homophobia (internalized and otherwise) must stop with me.
this clip is a little over 6 minutes. i realize this is a huge amount of time for bloggers or anyone else these days. but it immediately tugged at my heart. i loved the film when it was released, and now i remember why. it was reminiscent of my own boyhood in some respects. i'm sure you'll understand if you can stick with it.
sunday, while driving back from winter park, i was listening to a recording of a speaker from the florida roundup 2005 and i got an additional aha. he was talking about spending his fortune(and he had been making a LOT of money) on some cowboy daddy for the four years prior to his bottoming out and getting into 12 step. the cowboy had taught him how to shoot up meth and then he spent the next four years basically spending through his money trying to keep the guy from running out on him while he tried to stay high. he had been jailed 5 times, had ruined his career and had been shot by a crossbow by this cowboy(who is currently in prison for attempted murder). cleaning up i hope.
as i listened to him speak about being addicted to this man as well as being addicted to meth, i realized that there are real similarities for me. i was not addicted to any particular man, but i was addicted to a ritual. a sexual ritual, one that i had been repeating over and over for years, with no real concern about the person who it was with. as long as the ritual stayed the same and took place, it didn't really matter who it was. treating men like kleenex or handi-wipes. tricks. this is the thing that has stood out for me from my earlier 4th step, and has kept me numb for the year since i worked that step. i cannot really imagine myself beyond that point.
i know that they say that to forgive oneself is the beginning of the healing, but i never thought i would be able to get to that point. this weekend retreat has indeed helped me to see that i was (and still am) sick and could not help myself. i was doing the best that i could and the only thing i knew how to do. and now i have the opportunity to let go of that behavior and change my motives. i need to take action. the caution here for me is that i have told myself so many times over the years that i would never do certain things again. i told myself i would never have a hangover like that again. i would never drink and drive again i would never miss work again. i would never shoot up again. i would never put myself in those dangerous situations again. and yet i found myself engaged in those very activities with regularity. and i am having difficulty finding trust for myself around this. if i cannot let go of this mindset and this behavior that i have grown beyond, then how can i be free? how can i make room for something better in my life? i engaged in behaviors this past weekend that are not in line with my ideal, and the hook for me was that "sex as validation" piece. i was almost driven to it as if i had been hypnotised. is it all i think i can do? is it all i think i deserve? i know i am ready to try something different, but how?
and because i don't know how to make this change, or where to start, i am going to employ another idea from this speaker's message. take a bar of soap and write H-E-L-P on my bathroom mirror and everyday when i shave, i can read it and remember -
His Ever Lasting Presence
and ask for help from that presence on a daily basis. and at night go into the bathroom and say thank you if i have gotten through another day. i have seen enough miracles in my own life to accept that there is a power greater than me at work. i just always forget that it is okay to ask for help when i don't know what to do next. and you know, i think that help may already be on the way. after all, there is the power of intention that i have come to believe in so well.
i would love to make available online this speaker's recording, but haven't figured out how to do it. i don't want to make it available to everyone, but would love to send it to interested parties. so if you can help me work out how to do this- please get in touch.
these are the years i spent. and this is what they represent. and this is what's in my head. and this is how i feel.
well the final brunch at the rocky mountain roundup 2007 has come and gone, as well as the final speaker meeting. today's speaker was emily and she was the most inspirational for me. she spoke of medicating through sexual abuse and the wreckage left beyond that. and she spoke of learning to accept the situations that life handed her and learning to love herself because of it. and her honesty gave me the permission to reflect on own life with honesty and tenderness. and i cried a little.
i danced like a true warrior on saturday evening for an hour at least. it was quite tribal and very cleansing for myself and many of my brothers and sisters. there was a reason to celebrate and so we did. and i danced. and i met a friend and he offered a gift to me during my personal work on my relationship ideal, just as the power of intention would have it. and it was impromptu. it was sweet. and it was humbling.
at the hiv/hep c in recovery workshop, i listened with compassion as a woman spoke of her brother who has dementia and is probably nearing his last days. she loves to come to men's meetings as her lesbian counterparts don't have the same compassion for someone care taking one living with aids. i know she needed to release her fear and frustration and i was proud to be a part of a space that let her do so.
i led the hike-to meeting this morning and so went up another 1/2 mile and sat in the woods and talked about "the promises". eric from dallas spoke about his guarded disappointment upon his arrival in winter park as the hotel seemed lackluster. he then spoke of his own judgements being way off the mark, as this roundup had completely rejuvenated his idea of what the program has to offer him. he cried as he talked about his fears of going back to his day-to-day life and leaving the spectacular backdrop of winter park and arapahoe national forest. i cried like a baby as he surrendered his fears of speaking his truth.
indeed i am sincerely amazed at the blessings i have in my life. i no longer have to feel about myself, the way i felt before i found this sweet surrender. i no longer have to stay stuck in thinking the horrible horrible thoughts i had grown accustomed to. i am changing. and i am grateful for the opportunity. there is hope. if someone like me can change and find hope, anyone can.
just came from a sex, dating, and recovery workshop at the roundup. of course, it raised a few questions for me. the truth of the matter is that i am to be working on my relationship and sexual ideal and so this was certainly appropriate.
i have not been able grasp the concept of what i want, because i had never considered it. there's a line from "jane says" that goes.. "jane says... she doesn't know what love is... she only knows when someone wants her.... i'm really embarrassed to say that on many levels, this rings true for me. it speaks to me on the "sex as validation" level. and that would translate to low self esteem. and that brings me to one of the thoughts provoked by the workshop: the egomaniac with low self esteem. god- you mean i am not the only perv who has these issues?
so how do i consider an ideal when i have no concept beyond this validation cycle? although i am actively trying to move past this behavior, i no longer want to feel that i must be desired to be okay. how do i think about an ideal and not get confused about what i want, what i fantasize about, what i know is unrealistic, and what i need?
one thing that is coming clear is that i am not set on exactly what i want, but some things are coming into focus. i want to be able to be myself with someone. and not feel embarrassed because i'm me. and i want to want to be honest. not forced to be honest, but compelled to be honest. i need to be supported and be expected to be supportive. and you know, it would be fantastic if i was needed. i honestly believe that if those things were in place, coupled with a great sense of fun, laughter, and community service, my inner light would shine much brighter. and for me, the sex part could develop and grow(with nourishment and care). with sex, the old version of "hot" is no longer a huge priority for me.....it has changed and intimacy has moved forward.
thanks to lifelube for the heads up on this story from out.com.
barebacking and safesex practices are evolving under our very noses and the discourse is disjointed and full of innuendo and assumptions. i personally believe that gay men have moved from a strict party line postition to a more individual and personal decision stance and this has happened quite organically.
the really strange thing is trying to figure out where men get their information and how much is actual knowledge versus wishful thinking and chatroom blabber. and then there is the denial thing. didn't we lose so many of our best (friends) and brightest? has barebacking brought us closer together? has it taught us to love one another any more? are we taking care of each other through this transition? are we taking care of ourselves?
the conversation continues with this next article by james gavin:
Baring the Truth
After decades of scrupulous condom use, bareback porn is proliferating—with a corresponding rise in HIV infections. The collective silence is deafening.
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