since i just did the post about character defects, i thought that i would start with my most garish and prevalent defect - internalized homophobia - which translates to self hatred and self criticism. it is definitely my nemesis. it has fueled many of my destructive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. i am a sissy. indeed, i can't tell you why, really. i can give you reasons, or excuses, about the way i was raised, about the things i endured growing up, about why i act like a sissy, or talk like a sissy (as far as i know, i don't walk like a sissy, although i certainly can if the need arises).
this singular yet extremely complicated part of my being, though, is one of the most polarizing in my community. if i were to ask most gay men what they found attractive in other gay men, this particular trait would never be on the top ten of any list. as a matter of fact, it would be at the bottom five of a huge percentage. and in reality, it really is not at the top of my list either. more likely, it is at the bottom of mine, too. so it is something i completely understand and identify with. but, can you understand my conundrum? be proud, while i hate part of myself.
funny, i am almost humiliated just typing this, knowing i may actually publish it. but if i am ready to have god remove all my character defects, i have to be willing, really willing. the truly stinging aspect to all of this is not that i am a sissy. i am clear on that. it is that i am judgemental. it is that i can despise and loathe-no matter what it is- and i guess i really do.
so when i say i am ready to have god remove all these defects of character, it has to include my homophobia. i cringe when i think about asking for anything around this item, to be honest. my own homophobia is so deeply a part of my core protection. how do i let it go? this is the poison that kills so many of my contemporaries. this is the gay man's achilles heel. this causes us to attack each other, to lose our footing, to step away from who we really are. i guess i had better go to my bathroom mirror and ask for H-E-L-P again. well, i may have to be a little more willing first.
here's one thing i know. sissies, along with drag queens and stone butch dykes were hugely instrumental in securing the actual freedoms we take for granted today. they were the ones that were being beaten up with regularity and subsequently fought back, went to jail, and came right back outa jail for more. it appears that culturally, we have repaid these ground breakers by enjoying the fruits of their labor and pushing them to the outsides of the pack allowing them to be picked off by the wolves more easily. or is it just really hoping they will protect us? exactly what does that rainbow flag stand for anyway? is there just not a color for sissies? well maybe there is when it's time for us to laugh.
am i ready to have this defect in the form of judgement removed? i hope so. i really am tired of it. and i don't see how it's serving me at all. and if we can't learn to stop hating ourselves, how can we expect others to stop? evidently, homophobia (internalized and otherwise) must stop with me.
this clip is a little over 6 minutes. i realize this is a huge amount of time for bloggers or anyone else these days. but it immediately tugged at my heart. i loved the film when it was released, and now i remember why. it was reminiscent of my own boyhood in some respects. i'm sure you'll understand if you can stick with it.
