uncharted

image credit ... samuel hodge

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.  We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.  We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.  We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.  No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.  That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.  We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.  Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.  Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.  We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.  We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”



the ideas that i have encountered in my journey to stay clean have far surpassed anything i could have imagined. on the days when i am grounded, i know i feel healthier, happier, and more whole (very queer as i used to repeat an affirmation with those words). and on the days when i am not on my game, sometimes i feel as if i have been turned inside out, like a wayward sock at the bottom of the dryer. all my insides hanging out and picking up lint, the pattern and texture of my life visible for the world to see-(as if anyone is really looking at that stuff but me).

my world view has expanded as my ability to hear others' stories. and all of this torture that i have witnessed and trudged through may just be leading me to a safer and higher overlook. i had no idea that many of the things i have thought about myself were based on misperceptions and circumstances- not truth. i had no idea that i was not to blame for others' inappropriate behaviors. i had no idea that i had every right to be - just the way i am (i honestly had no clue about this- for the whole of my life before sobriety, i quietly believed that  somehow i was tainted and wrong)

i didnt' realize that a mental health issue was just like thin hair or brown eyes and could be managed and worked with- after a lifetime of thinking it called the shots. i have learned that not reacting is sometimes the best response to a situation. i am understanding that my impulses-although succinct and powerful- are not necessarily facing a good direction. and i have learned (albeit painful sometimes) that saying "no" to myself is sometimes the kindest thing i can do.

somehow, life has once again become an uncharted adventure for me. the unknowns have moved into my awareness more, but the fear of these aspects is diminishing. life has been full and savory. as i come up on an  anniversary and reflect, i let go of more and more regret and find gratitude for the lessons that regret ushered in. i am even in the process of forgiving my betrayers. it's so much saner than holding that jagged chard of glass called resentment (fear)

i always joke with my mother because she was in labor with me for almost 48 hours. it was 1958 and cesareans weren't as commonplace as they are today. i tell her that even though i had agreed to come down to live this life, i was there in the womb, lodging myself in her birth canal, because i was having second thoughts. i had changed my mind (pentimento). i got stage fright and couldn't go on. i knew how hard it was going to be and i didn't think i could do it. and i have echoed those thoughts at several junctions along the way.

yet somehow, with the help of something outside myself, i have managed to do it. this fact, indeed, is a miracle. here's to a funtastic friday and weekend. i'm gonna enjoy this good mood while it's in town.

reaching out

image credit... paul frecker

i believe that working with others has become the cornerstone of my sanity. i struggle so much with many many interior aspects of being sober, but they fall to the wayside when i engage my heart with the well-being of someone else.

this truth has made its way to the front of my daily routine. sadly, i cannot help everyone i encounter, nor is everyone looking for help- either from me or anyone.

but being available to assist is paramount and that is how i spend much of my time. it is definitely a departure from my indulgent focus of my past- and at times it is both a joy and a chore.

the following is an excerpt from "faith, hope, and courage" published by the fellowship of ca. this has also come to represent much of my philosophy. or better my philosophy has been shaped by words such as this reading.

I made it into this Program because someone else worked their Twelfth Step on me. Someone passed it on to me. Someone was out there after they got clean and sober, caring about others. I need to never, ever forget that. Had they simply gone on with their lives and forgotten about people like me who were still out there using and suffering, I wouldn't be here today. My gratitude begins with that fact. It is with that gratitude in mind that I reach out to others, especially the newcomers. I need to have them in my life. That is where my spirituality begins.

For me, spirituality comes from caring about others. I have found that the more I focus on improving the quality of the lives of others, the less I am into myself and my will. I feel a freedom and peace from within. The gifts I am beginning to receive in my life are greater than I could have ever imagined.

Something else I have done is that I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven myself for being an addict. I have forgiven myself for all the damage I did to my life, to my physical health, and to my career and finances. But most of all, I have forgiven myself for all of the horrible, negative and unloving things I have felt about myself. It was not until I offered and accepted my own forgiveness, that I was truly able to grow in my sobriety.

at the boathouse

Try not to get worried
Try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you
oh Don't you know
Everything's alright
Yes everything's fine
And we want you to sleep well tonight
Let the world turn without you tonight
If we try
We'll get by
So forget all about us tonight

i spent a few hours today at a memorial service for a friend. it was quite cold and a little breezy which was felt as we were at the boathouse at washington park. several friends talked of their experiences and memories of her. almost all of them cried and brought a tear or two to my eyes as well.

but i think that when her husband spoke, i teared the most. he has been through so much. he himself has been on chemo for several years and then had to nurse his ailing wife through breast cancer, a double mastectomy, and then was at her side as it spread to her spine, her hips, and finally her brain. at the service, he didn't spend time talking about what was. i guess he's been through that already. instead he spent his time saying his goodbyes and sharing some of the more tender moments of the last year with his audience.

then his two daughters, (her step-daughters) shared about this woman that they didn't care for at all who had moved into their lives as a stranger and had become an important confidant and anchor for them. their words broke my heart open, as i realized how most of us probably don't realize what a profound affect we have on others' lives as we are too busy with our own insecurities. then they read a poem that she had kept on her mirror that was about cancer being an unwelcomed guest.

i had a teary afternoon. it was filled with some of the most tender moments i can remember. again, i feel blessed in my life. and i am filled with hope and understanding.

today's sound choice is everything's all right from "jesus christ superstar"

dark night

i am working with someone who is quite ambivalent about their alcohol use/recovery. they seem to teeter and waiver between wanting change in their lives, and slipping back into a lifestyle that is not without pain but familiar.

man- can i relate to this. i spent so many years of my life like this. determined to change at one juncture, and then filled with boredom and uncomfortability (fear really) when confronted with even a tiny glimpse of life without the predominant coping skill.

so this person shared with me today, after at least 3 weeks of whining and struggling with almost everything (resembling anhedonia at times) during that same time frame of not using that they had gone out on saturday and gotten splunked. they went to work on sunday and found themselves asked repeatedly if they'd had a rough night. i guess bloodshot eyes, half open, and a bit of a stumble were visible hints.
but when this person shared, they finished with i don't party every day like some people. some people have to get high every day. i don't. i am just a social binger.(what a joker eh?)

so when i heard this i really struggled to keep my mouth shut. and that struggle lasted only a short while. i'm a little sorry to report that i responded with a question.. could it be that you only binge every few weeks, but you are a complete bitch during the time period in between those binges????


i'm still hoping for a reply.....

my friend alex has been raving on and off for the last few months about a book he read called "the dark night of recovery".

It's simple story of a man hitting bottom, reaching out for help, and struggling to accept that help was a joy to read. The insights and spiritual tools helped me to realize/remember that it is not the specifics of religious or spiritual dogma but the practice of a spiritual quest that brings grace.

today's sound choice is gorillaz with one their vids put to one of my alltime faves "safety dance". yes, i guess it'a another nod to those 80's...

teach me

"When I'm alone and by myself, I'm out numbered.

I remember the first time I heard about the committee. Someone shared that when she went to sleep, the committee in her head got together and started going over all the things that were wrong and why her life was never going to work out. They collected evidence, put solid cases together, and then reached their decisions. When she woke up in the morning, they handed her their verdict - guilty and sentenced to a miserable life!

there is a pattern here. i haven't quite figured it out, yet. my intention was to consult with a psychiatrist, but i have "forgotten" the last two appointments. i finally just cancelled my future ones because i can't see myself being ready to look into this really and forget my scheduled appointments.

i find that when i have a job, a purpose, a reason to be somewhere, i am basically fine. but when i just try to do something with the only purpose of having fun, or i just do nothing, i spend a good deal of time going around in circles berating myself for ridiculously insignificant things. so any downtime i have, i spend flogging myself mentally.

please, make no mistake, i have a mental health issue. i am taking medication for that and am under a doctor's care. but i think what i am writing about might be something else. i think that i have probably always been like this my whole life. i just always medicated it before. i think i might be glaring at another of my character defects.

i am not looking for validation here. i am not asking for reassurance of any sort. i am mostly just telling on myself. i am speaking out loud that this is a way for me to ask that i recognize this in myself. and i will do the work to be ready to have it removed. or better yet, i ask that i become better equipped to handle these incessant thoughts and find the blessings they offer.

todays song choice "teach me tonight" by amy winehouse

for what it's worth

Step Four

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

The real work begins in Step Four. In the first three steps we admitted our powerlessness; agreed that of ourselves and by ourselves we were not able to effect recovery; and made the decision to trust a power greater than ourselves to be our guide.

Now we are about to embark on a process of self evaluation, an inventory in which we will assess the qualities we posses--both negative and positive---to determine our future course of action.

We've found it advisable to do a written inventory. This is because our minds have a tendency to ricochet off the subject at hand and to dwell on emotions rather than on hard facts. We also suggest that you keep what you have written for future reference.

Our goal in Step Four is to experience a lightening of the load we've been carrying, and to begin to believe that we can create a comfortable and rewarding lifestyle. courtesy of soberrecovery.com

i feel like it is the end of my fiscal year... (must be the 50 thing)

i have been holed up in my house all day. i did get a few things finished that needed tending. i re-arranged all my furniture. i took a nap. i was grouchy with a friend on the phone. luckily i called him back and told him why i was crotchety, and what was bothering me. this is such a big change of behavior for me. to actually tell someone how i was feeling and why. it did have something to do with my perceptions of his actions. god, it felt great. otherwise i would have spent the afternoon brooding about that. step 4 thank you...and bill w. thank you.

instead, i cleared some of my head and heart. i have a lot going on every week, and i guess i just need a break now and again. i was in dc last week and it was go go go, and the weekend brought my bday party and another bbq. i started a new part time gig this week. i have recommitted to a service position and found that this time it may come with baggage in the shape of a former co-worker. and i feel change coming on. the last time i wrote something like this it was march 11 and man did things change the very next day. i wrote "i love this evening" which was funny because the "tomorrow" that followed was the largest emotional storm i have known in recovery to date. i felt secure when i penned those words that night, and even though the emotional torrent i have ridden since has caused me pain, there are old scars and wounds that were opened that have actually been cleansed, stitched up, and healed and i am stronger for it. but i have a resentment still. my ego hates that i was blindsided. and i like to think that i know what is fair, and my treatment there certainly wasn't that. even though i blogged about deserving happiness, and opened my self up to make room for it, my head still doesn't understand that not being there, not being in that job, no matter how it happened, is exactly what i had asked for, and what i needed.

and then yesterday gave me a couple of surprises that shook me a bit. so today, i closed up rodshop and just have been trying to remember where i am, how i got here, and where i am going. i'm in a time out. it is a requirement sometimes, if i am to stay connected to the sunny side of crazy.

i round out the day with a meeting in honor of one of my friends' one year clean.(he accompanied me to ptown roundup last year). it was a good thing for me to do. he got teary and people congratulated him. well, a year is an incredible milestone. someone was also celebrating their 19th year. amid the sharing, i was reminded of the kiss....keep it simple stupid... ways to slide back to old thinking and old behaviors will probably continue to appear for the rest of my life. i will feel overwhelmed repeatedly as long as i ignore my own boundaries and limits. i don't have to do this life perfectly. the stumbling and the storms are where god lives,too. i have been taught that if i can feel god in the middle of a hurricane in my life, then i truly have found god.

jack at drill and hammer has posted a letter about sarah palin i hadn't seen. i know this is probably singing to the choir, but i hope you read it and share it. as a wise man once said recently- this election is not about the politicians, it is about us- the citizens. and we need to raise our voices to maintain that truth.

cry

yesterday i was moderating a post on SIN which contained this link.

Carl was such a genuinely nice guy. He moved here from LA and became a member of SIN shortly thereafter. He contributed to the last SIN newsletter, too (on page 3 if you want to read it).

He was murdered and left to die in an alley. As far as I know, he did not do drugs, so I doubt it was a drug deal. I will not speculate about the motives, as I don't want to diminish his spirit here. I have my thoughts and others have shared theirs with me, too.

Goodbye my friend. I am deeply saddened and will honestly miss your face and especially your smile at the table. i wish you well on your new journey.

The whole situation softly reminds me that I want to live my life in the sunlight of spirit. This life is often so fleeting. I don't want to live while not believing in myself or not working to make myself (and others) happier.

the whole situation makes me wanna cry.

sex underground

hiv and meth... hiv and meth.... hiv and meth....

"Lose your mind and come to your senses."
-Fritz Perl

so many men i know have both of these items in their stories. is there a connection? if so, how deeply does it run? in many, perhaps the big question is which came first, the hiv or the meth? are men medicating their feelings around hiv? are they medicating their feelings about themselves with sex and using meth to get that sex? are they medicating with meth and sex? is the sex satisfying when on meth?

only the headlines have receded, but certainly the questions remain. i know very many men in recovery who state the problem is all their disease of addiction/alcoholism. but i wonder if the solution is that simple. are the men who stopped using without the hiv-sex-self esteem issues solved? if you take away the meth are the problems gone too? the gay boiz are still smokin tina and gettin online for pnp. it's fascinating to discern the reasoning. but i'll betcha if ya check the numbers, the greatest percentage of those engaging in pnp with viagra and group sex are those of poz guys. are they mind-erasing the reality of their activities? would they be as callous about barebacking if they didn't have the mind eraser? if meth wasn't blocking their conscience from their sexual activity, would they still be dallying in multiple partners and popping viagra like vitamins in order to go for days?

these are all activities that i have actively engaged in. i guess i am sharing my own experience and questioning a trend. it's no wonder it's found a home underground. and what are we as a culture of gay men doing to work with this? here's what they are doing in seattle...

SOS

i know of 7 people in their 40's who have died this year of complications from AIDS. but beneath that facade was the darker truth of meth and the destruction of their immune systems from heavy usage. their drug use and their sex had gone underground. now they have too.

inevitable

photo credit gladys

“The beginning of atonement is the sense of its necessity.” Lord Byron

whatever happened to "there's nothing to forgive because there is no such thing as sin?"

each day i blog, i believe i am working on transgression. for me, this daily journaling and writing hopefully brings me closer to forgiveness and closer to being connected with the world around me in a new way.

i journal, i blog, i write, partly because i seek absolution. i know on a very real level, this is completely a moot point. this would be easily confirmed by the lessons i learn in a course in miracles. yet it is important that i work diligently in this direction. the more clearly i see and share my truth, the more my heart opens. this is at once challenging and very rewarding. my heart is opening, my world expands, and all the while my vision of the world grows along with this.

from wikipedia:
The atonement is a doctrine found within both Christianity and Judaism. It describes how sin can be forgiven by God. In Judaism, Atonement is said to be the process of forgiving or pardoning a transgression. This was originally accomplished through rituals performed by a High Priest on the holiest day of the Jewish year: Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement). In Christian theology the atonement refers to the forgiving or pardoning of sin through the death by crucifixion of Jesus Christ which made possible the reconciliation between God and creation.

Atonement is Inevitable

Free will does not mean
We can remain forever separated
From our Creator.

We can indeed
Choose to believe
In the illusion
Of separation,

And play in the fields
Of duality.

Eventually, however the
Suffering the world
Of opposites engenders
Becomes intolerable
And we seek a better way.

That way leads to Atonement
And reunion with our Creator
The Oneness
That we are.

" Twin Souls"

John and Rev. Ananda McIntosh

write on....

reaching out

BARACK OBAMA, speech, Jun. 4, 2005

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

i attribute my sobriety to my ability and good fortune to have finally surrendured to the idea that there actually might be a solution to my lifelong dilemna. that there might be something greater than me that perhaps i could fall in line with and work with in my life, instead of trying to keep on the same path i had been on for years. i acknowledge that i was able to find that willingness to surrender in a specific fellowship. i still attend this fellowship's meetings to this day.

here is an excerpt from ca

Hope, Faith and Courage: Stories from the Fellowship of Cocaine Anonymous was first published in 1994.

The following excerpt from Hope, Faith and Courage is often read at meetings of Cocaine Anonymous:

Reaching Out

I made it into this Program because someone else worked their Twelfth Step on me. Someone passed it on to me. Someone was out there after they got clean and sober, caring about others. I need to never, ever forget that. Had they simply gone on with their lives and forgotten about people like me who were still out there using and suffering, I wouldn't be here today. My gratitude begins with that fact. It is with that gratitude in mind that I reach out to others, especially the newcomers. I need to have them in my life. That is where my spirituality begins.

i really loved jeremiahs post the other day: you can read it here:

stormy

shia labeouf - the newest indiana jones sidekick storms the media

the spring in colorado does bring some raging storms. here's a bit of what happened in windsor colorado the day before yesterday. if you are interested in helping out, donations can be made to the red cross here

One of the best parts of recovery is getting your feelings back. The worst part is getting your feelings back.

i have moved through so many emotions this last 2 months, it astounds me. i was reading back to the post just before i got the last major shake up from the universe and i found it pretty astonishing. it is eerie in some of its foreshadowing. i honestly had no idea that i would be experiencing ptsd the very next day which would be followed with a journey that has brought me to such amazing healing in my life.

i have even moved towards empathy for the person i believe to have instigated it all. i certainly now see that individuals that i had trusted and confided in were not capable of valuing that trust and that fact has very little to do with me. it has to do with another human's inability to live up to my expectations. (well, maybe not the state of colorado's either- but that's a conversation for another day). none-the-less, i am so encouraged that in a mere 60 days i have been blessed with releasing resentment and exchanging it for understanding, because in the end the one who will benefit from that move is me. and my heart, which already feels lighter and gayer. i am laughing again. i am feeling grounded again. and i am supported in ways i never could have foretold. or maybe i did in this post

Love will immediately enter into any mind that truly wants it.

Anger always involves projection of separation, which must ultimately be accepted as one’s own responsibility, rather than being blamed on others.

the promises

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

today i was sharing about how my whole attitude towards life has changed. i have fucked up so many opportunities and good situations in my life. it's pretty much been non stop fuckups and wasted potential since i was a tween. and being loaded was often if not always in the mix. i cannot remember a time, when deep down, i didn't feel that i was a piece of shit, or less than, or undeserving.

so when i got clean, and finally let loose of my ego's hold on my life, and worked through the steps with a sponsor, i began to not always believe those things about myself. i mean, i have always felt that way about my life, and now i don't have to believe that about myself. i still drift to those thoughts now and again, but i no longer stay there, or rest there, or live there. this is a huge change in my outlook on life and in my experience of life in general.

the other fantastic part of my perception that has shifted is that i can now feel the love, care, and support of others. i am sure that it has always been there, but i have never been able to take it in until i went through this process. i can live with myself not being perfect, making mistakes, and still feel love and support. this has rocked my world into a new dimension.

the promises continue to come true in my life.

surrounded by recovery

so things move along as they will. i have been asked to join the board of an organization called advocates for recovery. it is an advocacy group of professional whose mission is to promote recovery, the coverage of treatment by insurance, and the concept of helping an employee work through recovery in lieu of letting them go.

this might be a good fit for me, but i will have to see about it all. i definitely believe in their mission and i definitely believe in advocating for recovery as it benefits not only individuals, but families, the workplace, and society at large.

one of my former clients who graduated from the meth program i worked on has come up with an idea that afr has decided to support. as a matter of fact, it is such a good idea that the colorado rockies, and 9 news, and the city of denver are also supporting it. it is called surrounded by recovery. the idea is to have enough people to surround the entire capital holding hands to promote the idea of removing stigma from recovery from drug and alcohol abuse. this is a grand plan and a grand idea. i know that i will be there on 24 sep to participate. i don't think i'll go to the rockies game, but i will be showing visible support, either way.

another really fantastic thing that afr has accomplished is a non-stop meeting room for people in recovery to be open during the democratic national convention. every delegate visiting the convention will be given info about the recovery room in their welcome packets. this way visitors who are in recovery and performing their patriotic duty can easily find support and a safe place to get away from the madness of politics. and delegates not in recovery will be informed that having access to recovery support is important enough to mention and support in public. ain't life swell?

wave your hands in the air

one of the 4th step promises:

Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.

for the rest please see here

today i received a call from another addict who was struggling because he relapsed over the weekend and was trying to hide it from his parole officer. he is involved in our drug court system and he is in the final phases of that process. he was expected to drop a ua today, but was planning on skipping it and making an excuse to give.

he is involved in the 12 step process and he was calling from his sponsor's phone. i know him from meetings and have watched him grow from a place of complete addiction to someone who is reaching out after a relapse. for those of you who don't understand this, just this change in behavior is really huge because he is not trying to handle everything on his own and is using the fellowship to find a way to behavior change.

when we spoke, i asked him how his life had been these last few months using the tools and the suggestions of the fellowship. he indicated that it had been really good. i then asked him why he decided to change his habit of following those suggestions. he asked what i meant. i responded by asking him why he got high. he said he was lonely. i retorted by asking what the fellowship suggests for a person with less than a year. - working with others, going to meetings, finding gratitude. i pointed out that he had not used these options, but chose to find his own solution to his problem. and i asked how that worked for him. now he still feels lonely, but he's also got shit he feels like he has to hide. i also asked what kind of life he really wanted to live. it seemed to me that if he was trying to avoid jail, he might be doing a piss poor job because the guilt and shame he was living in seemed a lot like jail to me. i then had to hang up because i had to go to an interview.

i got a voicemail about 3 hours later from him thanking me for talking with him. he had spoken with his p.o. and come clean about the relapse. he also dropped his ua knowing it was dirty and he will go back in front of a judge on friday. not lying about who we are and where we are is one of the most important gifts of recovery. i think he's doing just fine.


this is a colorado band (flobots)that seems to be getting much national airplay these days. i think they are kinda funny and cool and this song is kinda bittersweet. they are a little reminiscent of cake (whom i really dig a lot).

emotions

pssssssss........

i can relate to a need for such a place.....

Decompression Chamber for Obamniacs

This is a place that practices Freedom of Expression. This is my personal blog. I'm also, the owner of the group Decompression Chamber. The chamber, I guess it's sort of like a big trash bin. A place we can dump our negative thoughts, feelings, emotions and baggage. I am inviting all to join. I review request daily. So, let's talk it out.

for more see here


it's been a coupla weeks since i left my last job, and i must say i feel much better. it took a bit of time to decompress because the whole situation had become so unhealthy. i had no idea that i had become so unhappy really. it never dawned on me that the politics of the workplace could be so detrimental to my mental health. i really had found much satisfaction in working with other addicts and somehow just figured that the rest of the insanity was just part of the price of the work.

but i am coming to believe that is not so. it's not a requirement to enable behaviors such as lies, manipulation, triangulation, posturing, and deception in order to offer support and assistance to persons when they need help. i have worked tenaciously for something much more wholesome.

immediately upon leaving, i felt very much that i had failed and that what self-worth i felt i knew was escaping just like helium from a punctured balloon. and this has been a challenge for me to traverse. i am sure i haven't done it perfectly. but where i find myself today, i am feeling that i am coming through this storm i have been in. i see hope and i am keeping my heart open for something wonderful to happen. i need to remember that i am a survivor and even if i only give others hope for their own survival once in awhile for the rest of my life, then i need to be ready to offer it when it's needed.

i've got work to do, at least that's what i hope. i'm not clear on exactly what that work is, but i am solid in my belief that it is there. and i pray i will recognize it when it knocks at my door, 'cuz the best is yet to come.

free

jude law in his natural habitat- i kinda like him.....

i'm just an ordinary guy who has had a few extraordinary experiences. one is the complete and remarkable blessing of redemption through recovery. i thought i'd share some quotes on recovery that i came across. it dawned on me that indeed getting clean does mean that i am free from the bondage of drugs which leaves me free to feel good. it's up to me. i have to keep doing the work and not get bogged down with the same crap that used to lead me to getting high. i have to put my faith somewhere else besides just me if i want to grow.

"God will heal your broken heart, if you will give Him all the pieces." (from Teresa)

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." (Mark Twain)

"Recovery is a journey between two stations. One station represents total chaos, and the other represents total serenity. What is important is not where you are, but what direction you are facing."

"Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong." (Dandemis)

"Happiness is like a butterfly.
The more you chase it, the more it eludes you.
But if you turn your attention to other things,
It comes and sits softly on your shoulder."Anonymous

For every minute you are angry, you lose ******** (sixty) seconds of happiness."Anonymous

"It doesn't matter where you've been
You can always change where your going."Anonymous

running just as fast as we can

I had it all worked out. Christ. At least I thought I did.
- Julian

from less than zero

running just as fast as i can.
the finish line is in sight.
just gotta make it to the border.
freedom and a new life await me.
i'm not sure what it will look like,
but it has to be better than this.
i know there will come a day
when i won't have to feel a need to escape.

Clay and his dealer in Less Than Zero:
Where are we going? I asked him.
"I don't know," he said. "Just driving".
"But this road does not go anywhere," I told him.
"That doesn't matter."
"What does?" I asked, after a little while.
"Just that we're on it, dude," he said.

Dean Moriarty and Sal Paradise in On the Road:
"Oh, man," said Dean to me as we stood in front of a bar, "[...] Sal, we got to go and never stop till we get there."
"Where are we going, man."
"I don't know but we gotta go."

i woke up this morning and i thought: this is the first day of how my life is going to be and that made me smile. it feels good to smile, and i feel as if i haven't really smiled in awhile. there are so many incredible things that are happening in my life today. opportunities are opening up around me and i feel a skip in my step and a lightness breaking through in my heart.

"i am happy, healthy, and whole, and i am immersed in abundance and support!"


today's song is definitely a trackback. ladies and gentlemen, i present tiffany, at the mall of course, singing i think we're alone now...viva la 80's! lyrics here

recipe for agape

take a couple of good friends, a sunny day, add some good intention and a tender meeting, stir lightly, blend a trip to museum row, pull out some old memories and shake them out over the mixture. let sit quietly during a speaker meeting and pop into the crib for some extra z's...

i had an incredible day yesterday. breakfast then a birthday meeting. jim said goodbye as marc and i then headed to lacma to see some of the exhibits. warhol, koontz, rauscha, lichtenstein, basquiat are a few of the artists that were represented. the family amends was made and it went much better than i anticipated. it was challenging to stay in humility, but i honestly did my best. the speaker at last night's opening ceremony was so sweet and silently penetrating for me. i am reminded that my understanding of being clean is solid, but can go much deeper. i have work to do and my heart can open much more. this is something great to look forward to.

i made it to my family's home and managed to get out my amends. i certainly stumbled with words, however, i believe my intention shone through. it was humbling, and i realized i really am just a drop in his emotional bucket, and it right-sized me quite a bit. his wife came home and i graciously asked to make amends with her, too. it went well. again i heard things i didn't expect. but i was prepared with earnestness, so i believe it was hugely successful.

driving back to weho, i realized that i have been holding quite a bit of fear for 4 or 5 years about this, and now i will have extra room in my heart and my head as i let go of this fear. i hope i can find a way to fill this space with agape.

i am everybody

Tonglen - receiving and letting go
Tonglen is the Tibetan practice of sending and receiving. Tong means sending out or letting go, len means receiving or accepting.

This is an active practice of loving kindness, not a navel gazing exercise in self-absorption. With it we can calm the waters within and on the other side of the world. Western thought can embrace it through chaos theory's butterfly effect.

i have begun to practice tonglen in my daily life. by no means, think that i am an expert, because that just isn't so. but i have begun to consciously include compassion for others in my everyday to a degree i haven't done before.

i know that i feel as if i have just survived a tsunami and i am so filled with awe and gratitude that i am beginning to include this practice as part of my daily spiritual practices.

it seems to me that my daily spiritual life (which now includes my blogging) really sets the tone for my day. and if i am not participating in those spiritual practices, i already have a heads up that something is definitely not working in my life. this "heads up" can be a real life saver.

and if i practice letting go (both after giving and after receiving) then i make room for something better to move into my life. and i have just seen that happen for me this week. it is something so fantastic that i never could have manipulated or calculated something as quiet and as powerful and as fulfilling as i have received.


love, acceptance, and support.

and this was too delicious to not support- this week on lifelube

a work in progress

denver under construction (view from diamond hill)

part of the process of the 12steps is step 9 which reads:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

for me this is not an easy one-two-three step. it is complicated and it involves history with people in my life who are in active addiction, it involves an abuser, and it involves my own behavior in sobriety as a result of ptsd. these are not simple items. these are very complicated circumstances for me. the lesson i am learning in my life is to really try to keep an open heart. to try- really try- to not control outcomes and to make room for miracles in my life.

i was able to have lunch with my cousin who lives in palm springs. he actually had helped me out and finally had to let go when i was spinning like a top in my tweaker costume. we didn't talk much about the horrors of all that. there's really not too much need for that. we did talk about our lives today, the way we are now, and the challenges we face. i was able to express to him that there is not a true way for me to understand how much i hurt him or how much inconvenience and pain i caused but i would definitely welcome the opportunity to set anything right.

he jumped in his seat and told me that no amount of money and no amount of favors could do as much for him as my acknowledging his feelings. he told me he was proud of me, and he told that he didn't know many people who could find their way back from hell, and then not only have the opportunities i have, but actually make use of them.

this blew me away...

the other amends i need to make with a family member went without being addressed. it wasn't the right time. that person can not hear what i have to say. and i am learning to just take things one day at a time and be completely okay with this. and try to become more willing.

and to all my blog friends in recovery, or in a state of healing, or considering either, this is added as an afterthought. indeed, recovery is a solo journey, but the truth is that it is an incredible ensemble piece. i cannot do it without the help of the people who come before me and the people who will come after.