reaching out

image credit... paul frecker

i believe that working with others has become the cornerstone of my sanity. i struggle so much with many many interior aspects of being sober, but they fall to the wayside when i engage my heart with the well-being of someone else.

this truth has made its way to the front of my daily routine. sadly, i cannot help everyone i encounter, nor is everyone looking for help- either from me or anyone.

but being available to assist is paramount and that is how i spend much of my time. it is definitely a departure from my indulgent focus of my past- and at times it is both a joy and a chore.

the following is an excerpt from "faith, hope, and courage" published by the fellowship of ca. this has also come to represent much of my philosophy. or better my philosophy has been shaped by words such as this reading.

I made it into this Program because someone else worked their Twelfth Step on me. Someone passed it on to me. Someone was out there after they got clean and sober, caring about others. I need to never, ever forget that. Had they simply gone on with their lives and forgotten about people like me who were still out there using and suffering, I wouldn't be here today. My gratitude begins with that fact. It is with that gratitude in mind that I reach out to others, especially the newcomers. I need to have them in my life. That is where my spirituality begins.

For me, spirituality comes from caring about others. I have found that the more I focus on improving the quality of the lives of others, the less I am into myself and my will. I feel a freedom and peace from within. The gifts I am beginning to receive in my life are greater than I could have ever imagined.

Something else I have done is that I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven myself for being an addict. I have forgiven myself for all the damage I did to my life, to my physical health, and to my career and finances. But most of all, I have forgiven myself for all of the horrible, negative and unloving things I have felt about myself. It was not until I offered and accepted my own forgiveness, that I was truly able to grow in my sobriety.

in service

it's been a delightful weekend and it's only halfway completed. i worked a party on friday evening for a couple i have come to admire, but it wore me out. it was good to see them though.

it has been rainy in colorado this weekend. lovely and wet and very green. CAWS is holding their convention in broomfield this year and i have spent some time there. i had lunch with some friends i hadn't seen in about a year yesterday. my heart opened up. and i drove one of my first clients from the meth project to accompany us. i am so amazed and blessed to see him finding sanity in his life. that's certainly not where his life was when we first met.

i had coffee (tea, actually) at daz bog with a friend i hadn't really touched base with for about 13 years or so. i had no idea that he was in recovery for 18 years- after 4 dui's, as i had always been too blitzed and self consumed to really care. but he told me his story today, and my heart again opened. it turns out that he is a contract grant writer and seems to have every intention of helping ten secure some funding to help with our mission.

i drove back up to broomfield to have dinner with some friends who were celebrating 12 and 18 years of sobriety consecutively. they had chosen to spend it with CAWS. again, i ran into friends and acquaintances i hadn't seen in a while. there is a community of people in recovery here, and i am only reflecting from a single fellowship.

there is a quiet peace and joy in knowing that i have something to contribute and somewhere to share that knowing..... here's one tiny reason i love cocaine anonymous...

STEP ONE
We admitted we were powerless over cocaine and all other mind-altering substances--that our lives had become unmanageable.

What exactly does the "and all other mind-altering substances" part mean? I came to Cocaine Anonymous because cocaine had become a problem in my life.

We in Cocaine Anonymous, who have been around a while, hear this statement all the time from newcomers. If you read on, we will share with you how we learned that our real problem was not just cocaine or any specific drug; it was the disease of addiction.

Some of us never even used cocaine. There were other drugs that got us into trouble. Or, maybe it was the combination of cocaine, alcohol, marijuana, or heroin that had made our lives miserable. Cocaine Anonymous' first step is viewed by our Fellowship as a "blanket" first step. All types of drug users are welcome as long as they have the desire to stop using.

In our using days, we rode drug roller coasters. There were drugs to come down with, drugs to go up with, and drugs to mellow out with. In recovery, we had discovered, sometimes the hard way, through relapse, that we could not control our use of any mind-altering substances. If our bodies were not absolutely drug-free, the compulsion to use was always lurking. We inevitably returned to
our favorite drug, or went back to an old preference in chemicals. Whatever the drug, the problem of not being able to stop would resurface, usually stronger than before.

Here is an example: imagine that you have just run out of cocaine and cannot get any more. What would you use as it's substitute? Alcohol? Speed? Heroin? The list could go on and on. It really wouldn't matter what you'd substitute for cocaine. The point is that you would soon find yourself unable to stop using and would be worrying about when you would run out of your replacement drug.

today's sound choice is james taylor with "how sweet it is"