bits o' red white and blue

image credit...Kenneth Cappello

it is 4th of July weekend and i'm very happy for the 3 days. i am much less busy these days as i have let go of my second job. it a mixed bag blessing as i miss the 12K annually and feel that in my monthly budget, but i also have had much more time to just be which has afforded me some depth in my perception of my life.

last friday a colleague and i spoke to a group of african women refugees who are living with hiv. their perspective on the disease is very much contrasted with ours in the states- at least those of us living with it for over 20 years. they still deal with gang rape, stigma, asylum, and death, whereas stateside we have become much less fearful and integrated it into our lives. as we shared our experiences and thoughts about this, there was a visible and collective sigh of relief expressed both verbally and in body language after the interpreters did their work.

all in all it was a very powerful 2 hours for me. i still find it amazing that something i carried around as stigma and in fear can be of such use to others. i'll just put another silver dollar in my recovery piggy bank.

a friend has been struggling with his addiction for most of his adult life. he got sober for about a year but when he was scheduled to go back to his hometown for the holiday, what may have been the overwhelming guilt and emotion cause a restart of his tango with addiction. a week ago friday he was found dead on a bike path near curtis park- no doubt the benzos and some booze are at the heart of the matter for him. i felt some sadness, but an eerie overwhelming sense of relief as well. he really is not enduring the frustration of his situation, nor the aggravation of his ability to manipulate his situation any longer.

as i wait for an opportunity to apply for a promotion, i am again considering the idea of pre-treatment as an additional option for folks who are using. it seems that combining this under the umbrella of recovery support services may make sense. people who are using often have difficulty imagining that anyone lives and thrives without using. and a drop in support group may address this in a peer-educator and culturally competent way.

i thought about the fact that i used to often find myself at the refrigerator door, opening it, and looking in- even though i didn't want anything. it was more a thing that i just did. i remembered also that i used to get high in just the same way, often because i was listless without direction and just had nothing better to do. i have found new things to do.

no matter how many times i hear this song, i absolutely love it. and maybe now i have a slightly deeper connection to its meaning.

So open your eyes child,
Let’s be on our way.
Broken windows and ashes
Are guiding the way.


Keep quiet no longer,
We’ll sing through the day,
Of the lives that we’ve lost,
And the lives we’ve reclaimed.

revived

thanks for stopping by my blog. i have been blogging about meth addiction and recovery for over 3 years and i am amazed at all the things i've learned and the contacts i have made. my life has changed drastically since i began this journey. please look through the pages and utilize the search tool.

if you are struggling with meth addiction or know someone who is, you may find some resources or ideas that can inspire you or help channel your energy. at least i would hope that can happen.

one very important message i have absorbed is that people do recover from meth addiction. people recover every day. it is not hopeless at all. it is not easy, but it is worth the work. just keep comin' back.

to my friends and online family. i have expanded my writing and blogging to beyond meth recovery. you can find me at my new adventure... revived.. http://www.rebuiltdenver.blogspot.com/

colorado meth project

the latest press release from the colorado meth project. read more about the organization and it's efforts at http://www.coloradomethproject.org/

Meth Project 2010

the science of addiction and recovery

I gotta feel you in my bones again,

I'm all over you.

I'm not over you.

I wanna taste you one more time again,

I'm all over you.

I'm not over you.

This life is way too short

to get caught up and all mixed up

when I just want you to love me back,

why can't you just love me back?

i am off to CEDARs to attend a 6 hour workshop on "the science of addicton and recovery" which is sponsored by Faces and Voices of Recovery and Advocates For Recovery. below is the description of the training from the FAVOR website. it's a "train the trainer" curriculum, so my intention is to learn to help develop a module to deliver to others and expand the understanding of the importance and the miracle (and some nuts and bolts) of recovery and how they work. it seems that so many people don't know much beyond the frustrating (and painful) parts and would rather not discuss it.

last night i picked up Flo Hilliard who will be delivering the training today. the skies and sunset were spectacular as drove her from the DIA circus tent to her hotel. it was almost as if we were watching some computer-generated cinematogrophy unfold. part of me wondered if this was an overview of the activity we would be engaging in with her. ps- my photo captures only a fraction of the grandeur that dominated last evening's sky.

have a fantastic weekend..!!

from Faces And Voices Of Recovery

About the Training



The Science of Addiction and Recovery is a 6 six-hour “train the trainer” training for people in long-term recovery, their families, friends and allies.
6 Professional Development Hours are available for this training!


Join us for this training to:
Learn about the science of addiction and recovery
Practice teaching others what you have learned
Sharpen your skills as a recovery communicator, then take home new tools that you can use with your family, friends and community
You will receive three hours of education on the science of addiction and recovery in very easy to understand language and three hours of training on how to deliver the information to others.


An important part of this event is learning how to deliver this training in your community. We encourage you to come in pairs so that you have a buddy to conduct trainings with in the future. If you are not able to sign up with a buddy we will be happy to match you up with someone during the training. There is a space available on the registration form to tell us who you would like to pair up with.


Science of Addiction and Recovery Trainer:
Florence (Flo) Hilliard

love, love, love this version...

happy bearthday

reprinted from The Washington Park Profile
by Paul Kashmann

Since humans first roamed the land, there have been those who held the gifts bestowed by our natural environment with reverence, while others simply took them for granted, as if earth’s bounty was limitless and immune to harm.
But it was only four decades ago when – concerned that our land, water and sky were under siege by human-borne threats – the environmental movement was born, uniting concerned activists across the globe.

An accurate assessment reveals there are two Earth Days. The United Nations, among others, celebrates the occasion on the March equinox each year; this observance was originally the brain child of peace activist John McConnell in 1969.

But it was April 22, 1970, when Gaylord Nelson, then a senator from the state of Wisconsin, marshalled the energy and passion of college students and environmental activists worldwide to celebrate Earth Day on a grand scale. Or, more accurately, to express concern for the damage being done to Mother Earth by her human inhabitants.

Pollution generated by our national economic machine had afflicted our life-giving natural world. Earth Day 1970 was designed as a teach-in to inform the general public about dangers that the epidemic of oil spills, polluting factories and power plants, hydrocarbon-belching automobiles, out-of-control consumerism and extremes presented to all living creatures.

On April 22, the environmental community near and far will mark the 40th anniversary of that initial celebration. Earth Day 2010 will call attention to the progress that has been made as well as the work yet to be done. Following are some local events taking place this month.

read the rest of this article at The Washington Park Profile

totem

Fox .....

Cunning, agility, quick-witted, diplomacy, wildness, feminine magic of camouflage, shapeshifting and invisibility


the other night, while leaving a party, i drove past a very desolate corner in central denver. huddled by a curb was a fox. this is not a usual place for these beauties to be huddling, yet here he was. he didn't flinch as my car careened quickly and quietly by. he looked through the car as if he was surveying the land beyond it. i looked up the meaning of the fox as this is the 4th time i have seen one in the last year in the quiet of the night. i am believing that the fox has become a totem for me on my journey.

As a fox person, you are cunning... but, as a witch, you don't use your powers for evil. Foxes can walk into a room, sit by themselves for a few moments and get the layout of how things are. You can tell the friendly people and happy people from the ones who wouldn't want you anywhere near them. You can see how things are. This helps you to see where you would best fit in the interaction of things. You can sense what people are feeling or thinking. This can be a hard thing to know. You can't hear thoughts, but you can sense emotions. This is helpful in dealing with people in some respects, but in others it can be difficult. You will learn with experience. This is one of the talents you will need to enhance as a Fox. You can sense people, develop this habit. Be careful not to take it instantly to heart, these senses can be wrong, especially at the beginning. You are out to help people. This is another thing that you are to learn. Always be a shoulder for others to cry on.


Another thing is you rely heavily on your ears. They are like an extra set of eyes. You will find in time that you can almost "see" with your ears. Your nose is also a powerful tool. Just tonight, I was smelling a strange smell almost like honey and no one else smelled it. I kept smelling it whenever I leaned my head down towards the chair, and finally narrowed the location down to the cushions. I discovered a broken cigarette lodged in the cushion. It's kinda funny. That ended up being what I smelled. It's interesting and fun to connect with your totem animal. Just remember, don't go too far... If you start smelling things out in public, they're going to call the Charter boys out on you pretty quickly :) Just relax and have fun with your new "talents". from angelfire.com

NATIVE AMERICAN LEGENDS

Native American Totems & Their Meanings

A totem can be the symbol of a tribe, clan, family or individual. Native American tradition provides that each individual is connected with nine different animals that will accompany each person through life, acting as guides. Different animal guides come in and out of our lives depending on the direction that we are headed and the tasks that need to be completed along our journey.
Native beliefs further explain that a totem animal is one that is with you for life, both in the physical and spiritual world. Though people may identify with different animal guides throughout their lifetimes, it is this one totem animal that acts as the main guardian spirit.

definitely maybe

Maya Hayes: What's the boy word for 'slut'?

this weekend has been stellar. i was able, with the help of a newly relocated cousin, to finally plant the 425 tulip and daffodil bulbs around the yard. the thing is the yard is huge...it houses 5 units so 425 doesn't really go as far as one might expect. but it's a lot of digging and squatting. luckily it was 72 degrees yesteray and that was part of the bonus.

i worked a party with a chef last night and it was also pretty standout. the house was a former boetcher family house that has been reno-ed recently, and quite well. the menu had a lovely french influence and quite seasonal, fried artichoke hearts, clams casino, mixed greens with apples and pomegranite seeds, beef bourgignon, with a lovely cheese course ending. the hosts were exceptionally gracious and i scored a gratuity large enough to pay off a credit card bill.

i was lollygagging around saturday afternoon and watched the film "definitely, maybe" with ryan reynolds and boy was i surprised at how much i enjoyed it. as he regaled the story of his love interests to his daughter, including the parts with her mother, he reveals so much about his own defects, hopes, and desires than he probably meant to do. but in his unravelling of his truth, he seems to find himself in a way he had been unable before.

there is a very strange bit about his character not knowing who curt cobain was, which seems implausible to me. but letting that go, the writing was thoughtful,  and the performances worked for me, it was fresh, it was romantic, and i got my goofy weekend cryjag need fulfilled. i am in heaven. and i am reminded of the undulating path my own life and heart have taken over the years. many times the things i rebuffed early on became much more important and meaningful to me later. at the top of this list would be my relationship with my family, my decision to stop self medicating (except with sugar and shopping), and my mental health.

the other five star addition to my weekend has been the "back to mine" cd by bugz in the attic. this one takes me back a little  there is a frankie knuckles cut, and a real favorite of mine - stool pigeon by kid creole and the coconuts. but today's sound choice is selected strictly for it's "chill" quality. i have played it repeatedly and it has remained in my head. here is vintage earth, wind, and fire with "departure"





Share

the air foundation

i ran into nick sterner of the air foundation the other and he invited me to a celebration dinner this saturday at the westin in westminster. several of his runners just finished the denver marathon and there  is to be small joy banquet as they look back upon their progress and their accomplishments.

in case you haven't heard of them, the air foundation supports long distance running as a means to alcohol and lifestyle rehabilitation. they are currently working with former alcoholics as well as some homeless people and instilling the long distance training mentality into their psyches. It is nick's belief that the principals needed to train for a marathon can and will transform a person's life.

now that's a thought that's worth taking into the weekend. more on nick sterner's "the air foundation" here
and if you're free on saturday night, come join us at the westin in westminster. we'll be listening to some people sharing the wonders of their lives transforming. there is something about being around people who are pursuing a dream that never gets tiring for me..

today's sound choice is a repeat. another friend burned this song and gave me a copy, telling me it made them think of me.. that's 2 now.. i guess i'm supposed to look a little deeper.. the noisettes with "never forget you"

stay gone

I've found piece of mind
I'm feeling good again
I'm on the other side
Back among the living
Ain't a cloud in the sky
All my tears have been cried
And I can finally say

this has been a telling month for me. things have seemed to go so smoothly until this september. a co-worker at my full time job has left to pursue other interests. no surprise, as she has been working in hiv for over 10 years and it can easily lead to burnout. so many needy clients and so many issues. but there is a hole left in the stream of treatment that will be filled again, but currently is felt by the rest of the team.

as i have continued to work on my issues around living with bipolar issues, i have found that perspective has become a good friend. i am learning that paranoia and inspiration have always been a part of my personality and that they seem larger than life at times. so large that i can feel as if i am unable to buckle them in, but they do recede. and maybe i can learn from them. this is huge as i have always had these, but what has changed is how i react to them.

have started work on a committee to ease the restrictions on intakes at a clinic within my workplace. this is an exciting endeavor for me. it will be very interesting to see how it all proceeds. i know that the communication between a few clinics seems to have broken down some time ago, and to re-engage can only benefit the patients at the end of any process. so i am thrilled to be part of it. more later no doubt.

the newsletter seems to have been taking way too long. my friend who does the layout has had his plate very full and has not found time to push it through. i struggle with my instinct to over-react. i did finally leave a message with him that i would be happy to shop it around for another layout person. i felt great that i understood he was busy and wanted to support that. but it's been almost 5 weeks. i can't even remember what i sent over to include. the next issue i am hoping will change direction slightly anyway. my intention is to develop a more holistic perspective for all persons living with hiv in the whole of colorado.

i have travelled more this month than i remember in the recent past. grand lake for a weekend and buena vista for a weekend. and i have a lunch and shopping day (end of season) in estes park coming up. this signals a definite shift in my psyche. it reflects that i am feeling at home in my life and ready to branch out. this reading feels true to me. i am more content than i can ever remember and feel safe and supported. and hopefully i am offering this to the people i encounter.

if you are new to recovery and reading this, i would encourage you to stay on the path. these gifts of personal insight only came my way with time away from self medication. that has been the biggest gift in my this process. and it is well worth it.

i am offering today's sound choice to my addiction and my self loathing. it is jimmy wayne with "stay gone"

whistle while you work

another week is rounding the bend and i feel good about it. i have discovered a new peace in my life which is becoming a source of comfort. my encounters with clients have seemed to increase recently and quite a few of the clients i have interfaced with previously have returned to talk more. i hope this is an indication that trust is happening.

i have offered most of my home office furniture (all hand me down) to my cousins (brothers) who have recently rented a 4 bedroom house together. what i have is too large for my space and i am in a position to afford to purchase new (already did actually-pictured above) and am excited about reconfiguring the 2nd bedroom at my place.

have been working on a handbook for patients with the assistance of the CAB (community advisory board) from the clinic and my friend jenna from rockethouse designs. it has gone from a 20 page black and white monstrosity to a full-color trifold with a map of the campus and a legend of the new phone tree. hopefully it will present as much more approachable to new patients.

the process for simplifying the intake process for hiv positives at the substance abuse clinic began last friday and i am gratefully included on the committee. our meetings are weekly and process is what we will be focusing on primarily. perhaps curriculum will be down the road. it is really another opportunity to grow and learn to work within the organization and among peers.

my supervisor has requested that we begin a group for our patients. i am again inspired a bit by the prospect to be part of change and anxious to experiment with some of the concepts i encountered at a training last week. it looks as if the group will probably be taking place at our on-campus treatment facility. also a good omen overall.

tomorrow, i am to meet with chris who designs the sin newsletter as we are working on issue 6. i would like to put this puppy to bed and get ready for the next one. my goal is to reorganize this publication and diversify it a bit with the intention of moving it's focus away from just poz gay men into the general poz population and extend it from only metro denver to include all of colorado. a new aspiration is to build a coalition of poz persons statewide which may become useful in these uncertain times ahead of us.



am considering getting outa dodge on saturday, just for an overnight. maybe road-tripping down 285 to get a better spectrum of the magnificent fall color spectacle we are blessed with her. haven't decided on a place to sleep yet, but am sure that will come. am considering buena vista to see mt princeton and go to the hot springs. we'll see what happens.

today's sound choice is not necessarily connected today, but it is a local band. i couldn't find an actual vid for their song, but the audio is what i like anyway. here is single file with "girlfriends"

local flavor

spent the day near bear creek yesterday. actually in kittridge. it seems so easy to forget just how peaceful and simply beautiful the mountain locations are all around me. i worked a 90th birthday celebration which consisted of 4 generations of a family in a creekside location. the house was built in 1909 and was a monster at that time. it remains impressive, but what is more memorable is the actual parcel of land and the footprint of the house on that terrain. my heart opened immediately upon arrival. no doubt it was a fantastic place to grow up and hone an imagination.

today is an active day, too. i live in a set of rowhouses by the park. we are installing insulation today in the attics for what should be obvious reasons. i imagine that will take most of my day somehow. i have some additional work to do on the next newsletter, and i am attempting to help redesign the patient handbook at work. it was plenty outdated. maybe i can get in a movie, too.

here is a recipe for one of my favorite summer salads this year.(it's from food and wine)

Ingredients
2 Granny Smith apples (about 1 pound)—quartered lengthwise, cored and thinly sliced crosswise
1 small sweet onion, such as Vidalia, quartered lengthwise and thinly sliced crosswise
One 3-inch piece of ginger, peeled and cut into 1/8-by-2-inch matchsticks
1/2 cup finely grated peeled fresh coconut
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
2 tablespoons finely shredded basil
Salt and freshly ground pepper
Lemon Verbena Oil
Directions
Toss the apples with the onion, ginger, coconut, lemon juice and basil. Season with salt and pepper. Add 3 tablespoons of Lemon Verbena Oil and toss; serve.

peace.... and hava pleasant summer sunday...

today's sound choice is a colorado band. here is meese with "the start of it"

something's gotta give

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
- Nelson Mandela

i had the pleasure of being shadowed at my job last week. it is not my favorite experience. a stranger following you, listening to your dialogues, and offering feedback and criticism to you as part of their job. we are grant-funded however, and the manager of the grant has their responsibilities, just as i have mine. and you never know what you have to learn.

it turned out to be a very pleasant experience. our clinic was cancelled that day as the attending was persuaded to have labor induced and gave birth to twins. so the person responsible for shadowing and i had lunch and talked about the program, and then she sat in on 3 individual sessions i had scheduled for that afternoon.

there is a movement underfoot in our state to examine and reshape the idea of substance abuse treatment and referral in the medical setting. i actually believe it's probably long overdue. the indulgences and over-indulgences of tobacco, drugs, and alcohol do have health implications and they tend to be serious. they also tend to be costly.

tomorrow i will be attending a conference put on by the grant program which is really a brainstorming session. they are expecting 150 persons and have some relevant speakers. i have been asked to join some others and moderate discussions at my table and to report to the larger group. i am fortunate enough to be bringing the HIV perspective to the conversation. and i shouldn't have to tell you how intrinsically linked HIV and substance use/abuse are.

our state traditionally has been ranked 48th in spending for substance treatment. this is not a fact that i am boasting about. it is merely a reading of the importance this issue has in Colorado. so in the sbirt screening process, referral to appropriate treatment modalities is paramount. but i fear they are limited, hard to find, and challenging to discern the appropriate fit. my hope is that tomorrow's dialogue will signal some change in this attitude and create some momentum that collaboration and systemic change needs to happen.

i mean, if we don't believe someone getting clean and sober is important, or that moderation is actually a virtue and saves lives, how likely is any individual to believe it either?

today's sound choice is the highly underated royal crown revue with "something's gotta give" - yes that's a rat pack remake... i certainly had my days of being a rockabilly/swing afficianado... i even learned how to do the lindy hop..

3 oh 3

this song is getting lotsa airplay on my local alternative station. they are local, of course, but they have had a couple of ditty's that were worth mentioning here prior. there is not a vid for this song yet, but am sure one is on the way. this is quite a departure from their fun loving selves...(remember the memorable lyrics "shoosh girl, do the helen keller and talk with your hips")

here is 3 oh 3 with "still around"

in service

it's been a delightful weekend and it's only halfway completed. i worked a party on friday evening for a couple i have come to admire, but it wore me out. it was good to see them though.

it has been rainy in colorado this weekend. lovely and wet and very green. CAWS is holding their convention in broomfield this year and i have spent some time there. i had lunch with some friends i hadn't seen in about a year yesterday. my heart opened up. and i drove one of my first clients from the meth project to accompany us. i am so amazed and blessed to see him finding sanity in his life. that's certainly not where his life was when we first met.

i had coffee (tea, actually) at daz bog with a friend i hadn't really touched base with for about 13 years or so. i had no idea that he was in recovery for 18 years- after 4 dui's, as i had always been too blitzed and self consumed to really care. but he told me his story today, and my heart again opened. it turns out that he is a contract grant writer and seems to have every intention of helping ten secure some funding to help with our mission.

i drove back up to broomfield to have dinner with some friends who were celebrating 12 and 18 years of sobriety consecutively. they had chosen to spend it with CAWS. again, i ran into friends and acquaintances i hadn't seen in a while. there is a community of people in recovery here, and i am only reflecting from a single fellowship.

there is a quiet peace and joy in knowing that i have something to contribute and somewhere to share that knowing..... here's one tiny reason i love cocaine anonymous...

STEP ONE
We admitted we were powerless over cocaine and all other mind-altering substances--that our lives had become unmanageable.

What exactly does the "and all other mind-altering substances" part mean? I came to Cocaine Anonymous because cocaine had become a problem in my life.

We in Cocaine Anonymous, who have been around a while, hear this statement all the time from newcomers. If you read on, we will share with you how we learned that our real problem was not just cocaine or any specific drug; it was the disease of addiction.

Some of us never even used cocaine. There were other drugs that got us into trouble. Or, maybe it was the combination of cocaine, alcohol, marijuana, or heroin that had made our lives miserable. Cocaine Anonymous' first step is viewed by our Fellowship as a "blanket" first step. All types of drug users are welcome as long as they have the desire to stop using.

In our using days, we rode drug roller coasters. There were drugs to come down with, drugs to go up with, and drugs to mellow out with. In recovery, we had discovered, sometimes the hard way, through relapse, that we could not control our use of any mind-altering substances. If our bodies were not absolutely drug-free, the compulsion to use was always lurking. We inevitably returned to
our favorite drug, or went back to an old preference in chemicals. Whatever the drug, the problem of not being able to stop would resurface, usually stronger than before.

Here is an example: imagine that you have just run out of cocaine and cannot get any more. What would you use as it's substitute? Alcohol? Speed? Heroin? The list could go on and on. It really wouldn't matter what you'd substitute for cocaine. The point is that you would soon find yourself unable to stop using and would be worrying about when you would run out of your replacement drug.

today's sound choice is james taylor with "how sweet it is"

shine

The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
Marcel Proust

i saw the aussie film shine once again the other day. i hadn't seen it in years and i loved it all over again on many levels. odd thing though, my life seems to mirror some a theme or two from that work and i am sitting here in some amazement as i type.

in the film, david helgoth slowly enters madness as his talent and his art converge upon his brain and heart along with his shame, his guilt, and the myriad of outside influences, especially those close to him. i am not trying to claim his genius here, but i am familiar with inspiration. and drive also has become a close acquaintance. what is quite noticeable to me today, is how these familiar features that vibrate strongly somehow attract others in whom similar vibrational rates exist.

i guess that is why i interact often with folks with bipolar condition, mood disorders, and adhd. it is a familiar world, but it is by no means simple. there is often drama, manipulation, and agenda. one of my major weaknesses however, is to think i can take anything on and "to hell" with the downside. it's the downside that nails my balls to the wall. i am not good at all at the messy stuff. the confrontation, the repetition, the doing things over and over until it's gotten right.

i am at the end of a very long day. i am fatigued from meandering in the world of which i speak. i have no doubt my perception is peppered from my own conditions, but that changes not my exhaustion. sometimes i just wish i could say "no more crazy today, lord".


today's sound choice is "rachmoninoff 3" from the film shine

trust

summer snowfield lake isabelle colorado

“To dream anything that you want to dream. That's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed.” Bernard Edmonds

This is the beginning of a statement from Chairman Waxman about the CDC's recently released report about the new cases of HIV in the US being 40 percent higher than previously believed. YES that's correct- 40 percent...

“The HIV epidemic within our own borders is even worse than we had believed. This is a stark reminder of the importance of evidence-based HIV prevention programs. But under this Administration, HIV prevention has been underfunded and too often hindered by politics and ideology.

There are proven measures that change people’s behavior and reduce HIV transmission. As the total number of people with HIV in the United States has risen, so has the need for these programs.

But unbelievably, in recent years the HIV prevention budget has gone down. Since fiscal year 2002, when adjusted for inflation, CDC’s prevention budget has actually shrunk by 19%. The President has recently requested decreases in funding for HIV prevention at CDC.

So, even as the agency’s experts have identified a growing list of interventions that work, they’ve had less and less money to actually get these programs to the communities that need them. And they’ve had less money for crucial research for some of the highest-risk populations, like minority men who have sex with men.

In the meantime, this Administration has remained indefensibly dedicated to narrow abstinence-only programs, spending almost $1.5 billion on an initiative that has not been shown to have any positive impact on health. We’ve seen accurate public health information on condoms removed from Administration websites, and multi-year delays in the dissemination of HIV prevention information to the community.

rest of statement here

on a lighter note, stephen at prison's a bitch has been released to a halfway house and has posted his meme which i tagged him with. it's the road trip meme and i thought he might have a lotta fun- what with getting out of prison after all these years- (thanks to absolutwillie for the meme inspiration). you can read stephen's post here

the tune below has been playing on the local radio station lately and it always brings a smile to my face. hope it does the same for you.. after all this news about hiv at home, i can use a laugh. shoosh girl. shut your lips. do the helen keller and talk with your hips.

brutal

“I love that whole princess mentality, but I also like throwing my hair in a ponytail and just wearing jeans, going on a hike and then eating a big chili-cheeseburger.” Jennifer Love Hewitt

i have been made aware of a family member's alcoholism again recently. he has approached me to find him 20,000 dollars to tide him over because a vendor that he works with has pulled out and he cannot use his existing system to enable transactions. anyway that is the story he gave me. he also mentioned how much he had helped me out as well as my mother and my aunt, and how he wanted me to talk to each of them to assist with the procurement of funds. this is sadly a prime example of addict behavior and manipulation. my heart sank with the conversation. imagine my challenge to call him and say succinctly, i have no money to give you, nor do i intend to solicit any for you. you can speak to the family members yourself if you care to, but i will not be able to help you with that. have you thought about getting a job?

his wife called me saturday to discuss the situation. they are separated and he has been asking her to loan him money as well. she was a friend of bill w.s' for many years until she began drinking again. i discussed al-anon with her because she needs some support. she was going to meetings but not really working any program. but maybe she will begin now. she siad she didn't even get what they were talking about. i mentioned co-dependency but that conversation really fell flat.

how does this post have to do with my hike to lake isabelle? everything. the hike i took yesterday could be used for a metaphor for letting go or "taking a hike". sometimes it may very well be important to taste the flavors of this life, instead of being stuck in them. i cannot solve my loved ones' issues, no more than i can walk through them with them. i can only love them, pray for them, and i must nourish my soul in order to do so.

tears in heaven

it has been 90 degrees for more than 20 days consecutively here in denver. it is very hot. i wish it would rain. i am headed to the mountains tomorrow for a hike at lake isabelle with some guys from SIN. I am looking forward to the temperature change.

there have been some sweet letters being exchanged between bryan levinson (the founder of SIN) and carl fraziers sister. it seems that we may start to give out an award or a recognition in carls memory in SIN. I think that is a splendid idea. here is a bit of the correspondence:

Bryan:

I know your group played a special part in my brother's life. I'm
forever thankful for the awesome friendships he made through SIN. I
just wanted to express my appreciation to everyone for being Carl's
family as much as we were. I can only imagine how important you all
were to him on his journey through life.

Gratefully,
Kathy Anderson (Carl's big sister)

Dear Kathy,

My heart truly goes out to you. I have to admit that I hesitated for several days before mustering the courage to reply to your email. A part of me didn't want to admit that Carl was indeed gone. He is to me and will always remain a very sweet man with a sparkling intellect and unique ability to make almost anyone feel comfortable by his side. I can't even begin to imagine what God has planned for each of his wards in this life but he seems to reserve some of the most undeserving departures for those amazing people like Carl who I would think should live forever. If anyone could surely be an angel after life has ended it's Carl, as he was certainly one in earthly form.

Thank you for the kind note but the pleasure of Carl's presence in my life was mine and my create to your family for allowing us to be a part of his journey. Your family should have tremendous pride in the man that Carl had become and his unwavering desire to make any part of his world better than when he found it. Can I ask if we could dedicate some program within Strength In Numbers in Carl's honor? Possibly an award to individuals who improve the lives of those affected by HIV/AIDS in the gay community? Would that be appropriate?

I've included Rod on this email as he organizes the SIN Colorado chapter and had met Carl several times I believe. Our hearts go out to you and your family. If there is anything, anything that I or anyone else in SIN can do for you or your family, please let me know immediately.

Much love,
Bryan

Rod:

I hope I get to meet you and Bryan someday...you sound like incredible
men I'd really like to know. Bryan's note below made me cry and smile
at the same time - thank you for reinforcing that my little brother
really did have the best people in the world for support. That just
means so much to me.

I absolutely love the idea of creating some type of award in my
brother's name. He would be so honored and so proud that you even
suggested it. What an incredible way to memorialize him and the good
person he was. I would even love to be involved with this....maybe come
to co-present it with you or Bryan or whoever each year. I want to meet
as many people who's lives he touched as possible so he can keep living
in me, too. Just let me know what you want me to do...I will gladly
help however I can.


Kathy

reaching out

BARACK OBAMA, speech, Jun. 4, 2005

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

i attribute my sobriety to my ability and good fortune to have finally surrendured to the idea that there actually might be a solution to my lifelong dilemna. that there might be something greater than me that perhaps i could fall in line with and work with in my life, instead of trying to keep on the same path i had been on for years. i acknowledge that i was able to find that willingness to surrender in a specific fellowship. i still attend this fellowship's meetings to this day.

here is an excerpt from ca

Hope, Faith and Courage: Stories from the Fellowship of Cocaine Anonymous was first published in 1994.

The following excerpt from Hope, Faith and Courage is often read at meetings of Cocaine Anonymous:

Reaching Out

I made it into this Program because someone else worked their Twelfth Step on me. Someone passed it on to me. Someone was out there after they got clean and sober, caring about others. I need to never, ever forget that. Had they simply gone on with their lives and forgotten about people like me who were still out there using and suffering, I wouldn't be here today. My gratitude begins with that fact. It is with that gratitude in mind that I reach out to others, especially the newcomers. I need to have them in my life. That is where my spirituality begins.

i really loved jeremiahs post the other day: you can read it here:

evergreen

“Love yourself first and everything falls into line” Lucille Ball

i worked an event in evergreen on saturday. it was in the upper bear creek area which is a bit exclusive and phenomenally beautiful. i drove up about 20 minutes early to get some shots for the blog. i came up yesterday for a few hours to help set up and realized just how very striking this area is. colorado is quite breathtaking for that matter, and i forget to share this fact.

so i couldn't help but post this song from "a star is born". i guess they are classics for a reason. i actually loved this song (and film) when it came out. barbra's fashion choices in the film are nothing short of hoot. of course, this is a later recording, but i think it holds up. a litte bittersweet perhaps, and i trust a little hopeful as well. i mean, time does change us doesn't it? we all age don't we? and may be we all secretly wish to remain evergreen.

btw, i have posted a new playlist in the sidebar called "finding emo" emo = emotional. i'm not the dj, but i think it's fresh. anyway, there are lots of really new artists and new music, so take a minute and have some fun.