Breakin Up With Crystal

some things don't change. but just 'cuz it's hard doesn't mean it ain't worth it.. in my humble opinion, it's definitely worth it..

loving kindness and harm reduction from seattle's strength over speed

In the early summer of 2005, Strength Over Speed (SOS) began with a group of peers who graduated from Project NEON’s crystal meth recovery program and other community supporters. At that time, there were few options for gay and bisexual men seeking alternatives to 12-step programs or treatment center aftercare groups.

Some guys were apprehensive about the 12-step format, as many people wanted to just talk to each other about individual paths of recovery but could not under the no-cross-talk guidelines. SOS groups are open discussion and sharing groups.

Many members attend both SOS and 12-step groups. As peers in recovery, we can provide emotional support and mentorship to individuals who are at an earlier stage of recovery. We have empathy and understanding for one another and can share our personal experiences with how we overcome challenges to maintain our recovery. We believe that as Peers we can support each other in our journey thru life after facing our addiction to Methamphetamine.

We do not promote one path of recovery over another.

We find that there is a genuine interest within the groups to engage in real discussion around issues of sex and sexual identity, HIV/ STDs and how we begin to see ourselves again. There are times that we speak openly and frankly on other issues such as emotions, housing options, isolation and relationships, all of which can be reclaimed.

Therefore gay and bi sexual men who want to recover from crystal use or addiction need to believe that recovery and an alternative lifestyle are possible.

http://www.strengthoverspeed.org/


When A Friend Has A Drug Or Alchohol Problem

totem

Fox .....

Cunning, agility, quick-witted, diplomacy, wildness, feminine magic of camouflage, shapeshifting and invisibility


the other night, while leaving a party, i drove past a very desolate corner in central denver. huddled by a curb was a fox. this is not a usual place for these beauties to be huddling, yet here he was. he didn't flinch as my car careened quickly and quietly by. he looked through the car as if he was surveying the land beyond it. i looked up the meaning of the fox as this is the 4th time i have seen one in the last year in the quiet of the night. i am believing that the fox has become a totem for me on my journey.

As a fox person, you are cunning... but, as a witch, you don't use your powers for evil. Foxes can walk into a room, sit by themselves for a few moments and get the layout of how things are. You can tell the friendly people and happy people from the ones who wouldn't want you anywhere near them. You can see how things are. This helps you to see where you would best fit in the interaction of things. You can sense what people are feeling or thinking. This can be a hard thing to know. You can't hear thoughts, but you can sense emotions. This is helpful in dealing with people in some respects, but in others it can be difficult. You will learn with experience. This is one of the talents you will need to enhance as a Fox. You can sense people, develop this habit. Be careful not to take it instantly to heart, these senses can be wrong, especially at the beginning. You are out to help people. This is another thing that you are to learn. Always be a shoulder for others to cry on.


Another thing is you rely heavily on your ears. They are like an extra set of eyes. You will find in time that you can almost "see" with your ears. Your nose is also a powerful tool. Just tonight, I was smelling a strange smell almost like honey and no one else smelled it. I kept smelling it whenever I leaned my head down towards the chair, and finally narrowed the location down to the cushions. I discovered a broken cigarette lodged in the cushion. It's kinda funny. That ended up being what I smelled. It's interesting and fun to connect with your totem animal. Just remember, don't go too far... If you start smelling things out in public, they're going to call the Charter boys out on you pretty quickly :) Just relax and have fun with your new "talents". from angelfire.com

NATIVE AMERICAN LEGENDS

Native American Totems & Their Meanings

A totem can be the symbol of a tribe, clan, family or individual. Native American tradition provides that each individual is connected with nine different animals that will accompany each person through life, acting as guides. Different animal guides come in and out of our lives depending on the direction that we are headed and the tasks that need to be completed along our journey.
Native beliefs further explain that a totem animal is one that is with you for life, both in the physical and spiritual world. Though people may identify with different animal guides throughout their lifetimes, it is this one totem animal that acts as the main guardian spirit.

just another day

i met her several years ago. she had gotten some charges (probably distribution) and she presented in complete denial that she had done anything wrong. she consistently claims uninvolvement in anything illegal having to do with meth. her usual story is that the police charges have no merit. she was just in the vicinity, but not attached to any criminal or drug activity. the latest one is that she was standing beside a car that had drugs undernneath it, but she had absolutely no connection. this is typically the same. a most unusual piece of her story remains her weight, as she is obese- a highly unusual attribute for someone who does meth at almost every opportunity.

she did go to serve some time in jail for a legal charge, and she came out 7 or 8 months later declaring a new love for the bible which she claimed to be reading every day. she remained homeless, sort of couch surfing between her childs home and she and her co-horts van. many times i would see her, she would appear kind of gritty, as if she worked as a chimney sweep. she would be coherent on some occasions and completely unbalanced and wired on others. all the while completely denying any relationship with meth at all.

her stance has not shifted much in the years that i have known her. she falls in and out of touch with me depending upon her need. she usually comes around when she is having difficulty with the law and thinks i might be able to help her get out of some trouble.

she has appeared recently again and has not changed much of her banter. there is little chance of change until she feels it necessary. i have already been telling her the truth as i see it for several years now. she doesn't make any changes, but she occasionally acknowledges there may be another truth.

for now this is as good as it gets...

today's sound choice is daniel merriweather with "change"

where the streets have no name

I want to feel, sunlight on my face
See that dust cloud disappear without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

i guess i have never really addressed the screenname "warrior scout" which i blog under. it came to be rather naturally, but it has never been anything specifically referencing something. i have always been a scout of sorts, running ahead of the pack as well as exploring outside the boundaries. i think this still is part of my basic skill set. i usually find myself in a position to mix it up with many different types and circles of people, so maybe i somehow get more of a global view on some issues. and curiosity is second nature, so that goes hand in hand with the scout portion of the name. and when my life was immersed in drinking and using, internally i was always seeking something that remained just out of my reach. adding scout to this incarnation offered an opportunity to rework that personality defect and hopefully mold it into something far healthier.

the term warrior in the name is directly related to the spiritual warrior concept. i have always been trying to find ways to grow spiritually and follow the paths that speak to my heart. this is not uncommonly in opposition to those around me, so some exhange of ideas and questioning of perspectives and policies is somehow part of my makeup.

i have been writing with the pen name of warrior scout for almost 3 years now. it is serving me well and has seen me through some quantifiable spiritual growth. i certainly hope it continues to do so.

i will be starting an lgbt recovery support group that is to take place on friday afternoons. i am currently brainstorming for a name for the group. i want it to be identifiable as a gay group and i want it to convey that support for people in pre-contemplation, contemplation, maintenance, and all the rest of the stages of change can get support for where they are in their process. initially it will be designed for hiv poz and non- poz persons. i think from a community health standpoint, separation may not always be optimum. and i want it to be fun, effective, and informative. not asking for much, eh? and i hope to have members of the community who have successfully changed their habits come by and offer support on a regular basis.

i have put a request out for names, and have gotten some wonderful ideas back. tgif was my favorite so far. after all, making good choice on the weekends keeps us working and in school during the week. i also thought about "prime" because it is a primer group- geared to assist in putting down a good primer so that the first coat will adhere much better. and i thought of "q" or "the friday q" because queers, questions, queries, and quandries will no doubt be addressed.

i thought i'd put it out here, because i love my readers and their perspectives. let me know what you think... please...

today's sound choice probably needs no introduction. it holds much personal attachment for me. i love the lyrics and i absolutely love when bono wails on this one. (btw, 7th and main is pretty damn close to where i ended my california drug run 9 months after this vid was filmed). it's "where the streets have no name" by u2....

crack the shutters

Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day
And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body
I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute
Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you

sooooo happy the weekend is here. i definitely am ready to have some down time. although i am headed to estes park tomorrow with some guys from sin for the last sale of the season before the shops close down for winter then i have a family dinner in the late afternoon in aurora with all my aunts and uncles(6) from all over the country. no doubt the nobel prize will be a big topic.

it has been a week. my offices had a meeting with sbirt and a representative from the national drug policy office. they are very interested in our collaboration between ryan white and sbirt. colorado is the only country doing this right now. it was a good report card on our end as well. at my workplace, i believe the implementation of sbirt has breathed new life into a very embedded issue and offered an opportunity to have thoughtful dialogue where burnout was residing. but more will be revealed no doubt.

the newsletter layout has been passed into different hands. my friend who has done all the issues thus far was unable to finish so it was necessary to outsource. i am anxious to see how the process is and the final product. but i will be very very happy to put this puppy to bed. the reason, of course, is i have to start on the next one.

sunday brings winterizing the townhouse. shutting down and blowing out the sprinklers, turning off the swamp coolers, and tearing out a dying evergreen from the front yard. i still have to assemble some shelving and take away an old dresser set.

my weekend is full, but it also brings some joy. i am so ready to wear jeans, throw a steak on the grill, and kick back to watch a movie. hope you have some fun.

today's sound choice is "crack the shutters" by my dreamboats du jour snow patrol.

stay gone

I've found piece of mind
I'm feeling good again
I'm on the other side
Back among the living
Ain't a cloud in the sky
All my tears have been cried
And I can finally say

this has been a telling month for me. things have seemed to go so smoothly until this september. a co-worker at my full time job has left to pursue other interests. no surprise, as she has been working in hiv for over 10 years and it can easily lead to burnout. so many needy clients and so many issues. but there is a hole left in the stream of treatment that will be filled again, but currently is felt by the rest of the team.

as i have continued to work on my issues around living with bipolar issues, i have found that perspective has become a good friend. i am learning that paranoia and inspiration have always been a part of my personality and that they seem larger than life at times. so large that i can feel as if i am unable to buckle them in, but they do recede. and maybe i can learn from them. this is huge as i have always had these, but what has changed is how i react to them.

have started work on a committee to ease the restrictions on intakes at a clinic within my workplace. this is an exciting endeavor for me. it will be very interesting to see how it all proceeds. i know that the communication between a few clinics seems to have broken down some time ago, and to re-engage can only benefit the patients at the end of any process. so i am thrilled to be part of it. more later no doubt.

the newsletter seems to have been taking way too long. my friend who does the layout has had his plate very full and has not found time to push it through. i struggle with my instinct to over-react. i did finally leave a message with him that i would be happy to shop it around for another layout person. i felt great that i understood he was busy and wanted to support that. but it's been almost 5 weeks. i can't even remember what i sent over to include. the next issue i am hoping will change direction slightly anyway. my intention is to develop a more holistic perspective for all persons living with hiv in the whole of colorado.

i have travelled more this month than i remember in the recent past. grand lake for a weekend and buena vista for a weekend. and i have a lunch and shopping day (end of season) in estes park coming up. this signals a definite shift in my psyche. it reflects that i am feeling at home in my life and ready to branch out. this reading feels true to me. i am more content than i can ever remember and feel safe and supported. and hopefully i am offering this to the people i encounter.

if you are new to recovery and reading this, i would encourage you to stay on the path. these gifts of personal insight only came my way with time away from self medication. that has been the biggest gift in my this process. and it is well worth it.

i am offering today's sound choice to my addiction and my self loathing. it is jimmy wayne with "stay gone"

million dollar bill

today, i just feel like having fun..

5 years clean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

i am writing this the night before 09/28/09. i grilled some veggies for dinner, grilled extra for a coupla days lunches with some tenderloin too. i am grilling pears right now and gonna have one or two with caramel ice cream. my laundry is in the dryer and i'm watching "cadillac records" while i post. i spent a night in salida with a friend, savoring the changing colors of the aspen and other trees. that friend is my mother, and we are re-writing our relationship- at least the finale.

this is a dramatic departure from where i found myself five years ago and before. i had been flapping in the wind like a kite caught in a tree for so long that i don't think i could remember what it was like not to hear the wind. i had stepped in a bucket of "fuck me" paint and i just starting believing that was what i looked like. and it was reflected in every other relationship i had, too.

thanks to a series of what then felt like unfortunate experience, i found myself with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. i had no one to blame for it, either. this last part really sucked. i found myself back in denver, after leaving that town in an angry chess move, to have the fun that i was denied the ten years prior, waiting to die from aids. so i jumped to san francisco and directly into a kerouac story. or maybe it was really more like dennis cooper. anyway, the meth days began before my heart could heal from any prior pain. i checked out of my life emotionally, and began to fill my time and my mind with little white shards of ephedrine-like amnesia and my time with chasing the midsections of men. each passing month drew me deeper into nothing and before i knew it, that's where i called home.

5 years ago, after several miserable attempts and making a change, i touched the dark bottom beneath me. i had seen my future, had seen my past, and had somehow realized that there was only one way to find my chi. i needed help. i couldn't do it by myself, as i had thought i had to do all my life.

my introduction to 12 step was painful. all these people talking in language that ignited nothing but anger in me. emotional boot camp is what i called it, and i really didn't want to be bothered. but i had nowhere else to go. divine intervention is what it was. after a year, i was able to trust someone enough in those rooms to tell them about me.

skip forward to tonight with my opening paragraph. with the help of a program, a sponsor, a therapist, some lithium, some diligence and some courage, and most importantly a higher power, i have a life today. i have future to work toward, and i have something to bring with me on my journey. i have met so many similar people, some have stayed, some have moved on, and i continue to grow in new directions. i have found work to do that holds meaning for my heart. i can look at myself in the mirror without shuddering, i can stand to cry or feel fear. i have a long way to go, but there isn't the sense of rush that used to describe my life.

so that's it. no fireworks. no big parties. just a quiet exercise in gratitude for relief from the hell i came from. recovery works. if you work it.

today's sound choice is from the verve remix cd. it's nina simone with "feeling good".

shut your eyes

And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will

i feel as if i am moving into a new direction in my life. it's not as if i have changed course, just that i have changed sails more likely. i am still working, i am still pouringa href="http://www.advocatesforrecovery.org"> myself into that work, and i am still dedicated to doing the best job and living as much in the present as i am able.

however, the tools i use have shifted. as my vision of what's in front of me expands, so do i realize that many of the things i have brought with me from my past may no longer serve me. tools like self-deprecation, doubt, rigidity, and control issues that have been with me so long i can't remember how i acquired them. whenever they came on board, i am realizing that perhaps they no longer belong in my front line assembly as i manufacture my future.

i received a mention from a local organization named afr in the program for their 2009recovery rally this year for work in the hiv community. i was surprised and quite honored. i was scheduled to work a roshashana party that day, but stopped by the rally early to say hello. the board president coaxed me into speaking to the crowd for a minute, which i did, and i realized i had nothing prepared. this was embarrassing for me as i had no clear message to give and couldn't think on my feet to find one. here is where the new direction comes in. my prior modus operandi would be to mentally flog myself repeatedly for not doing better. this would have lasted several days to a week and would not have given me much cerebral tranquility. it's something i have grown very used to over the years and wouldn't have made an obvious dent in any of my armor, but inside i would have tearing at own structure ravenously. somehow, i realized the futility of this. i cannot explain it in any way other than divine intervention. i almost instantly decided that my normal way was moot and let it go. needless to say, the rest of the weekend has been calm. this is unusual in my bipolar mind. and this has been a gift.

this is one small example among several that life continues to change. i need these reassurances now and again to keep things fresh. i have no doubts i have not changed completely, but i have no proof that it's required either. i do know that a stillness and new peace has entered my heart. i am letting go of grudges and resentments almost effortlessly. far from perfection in this realm, i am noticing giant strides and a huge release of pressure in my soul. hopefully this translates into the interactions i have in my life.

on a real level, i now know that when things get really tough, and i feel snaky and squirrely, that there is a better place-one that doesn't have to land me with a huge hangover, and empty wallet, and a big pile of doodoo. someplace much better than that. thank heavens for this little nugget in my world.

today's sound choice is snow patrol's "shut your eyes". i have been listening to this again and have fallen in love all over again, too. the vid has the vid's creator's shot of holland in the winter. it snowed heavily in the mountains yesterday and i thought it apropos.

denver sessions

the good news is that people are still kickin....
as reported on fox31 denver...

a force against darkness

tonya wheeler- advocates for recovery colorado

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

there has been a gentleman who has been going from state to state and developing a made for tv special geared toward that particular state's crystal meth problem. he pitches the idea, gets the state and big city governments and politicians to endorse it, along with law enforcement and treatment provider communities. it is aired. he collects a hefty sum of money for the endeavor and hopefully the consciousness of that state is raised sufficiently to justify the expenditure.

this has happened within colorado and the show titled "crystal darkness" aired last night on most of the major channels in colorado. radio and tv spots have been running for over 2 weeks promoting the televising, and i am anxious to hear how the ratings were.

my understanding is that typically, the focus is on the horrors of meth, i.e. meth mouth, huge increase in violent crime and identity theft, sexual abuse of minors, and environmental pollution of meth labs. but the twist for the colorado piece was the ending involved a very strong and positive messaging around recovery. statements like meth addicts in recovery make fantastic employees, parents, and citizens, if we are given the opportunity. recovery works. and the other message that i thoroughly enjoyed was an invitation to colorado to become part of the solution- said in just those words.

the woman responsible for the pro-recovery statements is a colleague of mine and i sit on the board of advocates for recovery with her. i so admire her hammering an idea home like that. it reads as responsible leadership to me. now some of her friends joke and call her a "media whore" which may or may not apply, but i prefer to think of her as a force.

frankly, i don't know if one tv piece is going to change much, although i cannot say it won't either. i do know that i am happy that the "recovery happens' message is one that makes my heart skip a beat. i'm beaming inside.

recovery happens is a credo i try to live by. just take a look at my blogroll. look in your own neighborhood. you'll find it. recovery works. make room for it in your life.


today's sound choice is stereophonic doing foo fighter's "best of you"

the next adventure

i showed the film "pay it forward" to my dui class the night before last and there is a quote from the film that i heard again and love:

The most important thing I can add from my own observations is this: Knowing it started from unremarkable circumstances should be a comfort to us all. Because it proves that you don’t need much to change the entire world for the better. You can start with the most ordinary ingredients. You can start with the world you’ve got.

that's pretty damn good gear to take on this next year's adventure.

Life goes on day after day
Hearts torn in every way

So ferry 'cross the Mersey
'cause this land's the place I love
and here I'll stay

People they rush everywhere
Each with their own secret care

So ferry 'cross the Mersey
and always take me there
The place I love

today's sound choice is very vintage- ferry across the mersey by gerry and the pacemakers. (kudos to ministry of sound chillout mix)

a change is gonna come

this would have been around 1978 or 1979... i called myself a homo named spike.

We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.....
part of "the problem" of adult children of alcoholics...
from mental health matters

another monday, another week, another end of month, another last month of the year. the cycle goes on, the spiral continues, as the earth moves around the sun. i have discovered myself in new light so many times as these last few rotations have happened. i am more surprised and less shocked with each revelation.

being bipolar, although a lifetime companion, has only just begun be seen and recognized by me. i am now discovering things about myself that perhaps i have never been grounded enough to recognize. i take medicine to counteract the imbalances that flow within me, but i realize they do not erase but a bit.

i can see now some of my patterns. i become inspired, passionate, motivated, and directed in cycles. i have a tendency to make decisions in clusters about tasks and projects i like and will take on. during these times, it all seems so simple. i will just do this and just do that. but then, it's challenging to put the brakes on. i perhaps overestimate my abilities and shortchange my personal downtime.

the flip side of my inspired periods is my overwhelmed or depleted periods. it is sometimes not possible to leave the house for the weekend. this includes not answering the phone, and not interfacing much at all. luckily, it does include napping, but it also includes some overeating and very little exercise.

this cycle has been persisting for a while and i don't think it can sanely continue at this pace much longer. i have to teach myself about boundaries and limits. i'm sure i have them, but i'm also sure i'm not in touch with them. and i believe that this is a new lesson for me. this is part of where i need to guide myself in order to know peace.

this is honestly not meant to be depressing. more so, it is me telling on myself so that i don't harbor this like a secret. and frankly, being aware of this has become a true blessing for me. i can so easily see how i used to use through this. i would party during the inspired times and spin so much that i never really accomplished anything. my brain was twirling too too excessively. and the depleted periods were really exaggerated due to the coming down effect. the fact that i'm not trapped in that same hell i endured for years is grace..

i hope this holiday season brings light forward into this area of my life. my intent is to keep in touch with how i'm feeling and how i'm dealing with those feelings. and i'm curious to see how true to my spiritual program i can remain. i am ready to grow.

back to the original sound choice for today- seal performing "a change is gonna come"

shapeshifter

the legend is whispered
in the women's tent
how the moon when she rises
full
follows some men into themselves
and changes them there
the season is short
but dreadful shapeshifters
they wear strange hands
they walk through the houses
at night their daughters
do not know them
....lucille clifton

i have been back at the gym for about 3 weeks now and i am starting to see a bit of a difference. my midsection has risen like a sourdough starter to be twice its normal size.(ewww) I am distinctly hoping to address this issue consistently. i have realized that during step class, once the warm-up is over and we are into running the combinations, i am in the throes of meditation. i let go of my conscious self and definitely act on instinct. i concentrate on the moment at hand and not thinking about what i need to do, or what i hope happens.

i also find that with this physical change comes a more subtle perception change. having more energy from the endorphins i suppose, i feel again as if i can process a bit more than i could a month or so ago. i have a few irons in the fire and i am not so much feeling overwhelmed for any length of time. it comes and goes.

and i am learning to think peacefully. certainly not first, but definitely before acting in many many situations. this is saving me so much wear and tear on my soul.

this business of changing is really multi-layered and compelling. i intend to help it hold my interest for awhile.

today's sound choice- barack obollywood

spinning wheel

"until another addict can get you to see how fucked you are, you're really fucked" courtesy of my sponsor

an acquaintance of mine called me this week out of the blue. we exchanged voice mails and finally got a chance to talk last evening. he had recently relapsed and was smoking meth for about a week. he was attempting to stop and had managed to do so for a couple of days.

we chatted for awhile and i helped him laugh a bit. the topic of wanting sex came up and it wasn't surprising. meth can be a great equalizer (along with other substances) in getting rid of inhibitions and sane judgement. but more so in my mind, is this idea that so many gay men (or maybe men in general) are validated emotionally somehow by having a good romp.

a good boink (and even not-so-great) can be validating, but it is as fleeting as a 50's rotating color wheel on a silver tree. it doesn't last.

i encouraged him to call me more to check in, but time will tell if that's in the cards for him. i also encouraged him to find something that he could pour a bit of his soul into. he had verbal comebacks for all my suggestions, which suggests that he isn't listening, just wanting to be heard.

i understand this, and i also understand that i needed to shut the f**k up for awhile and listen till i realized i didn't understand everything and i knew (probably still do) very little. i hope he can find this place, too. that is when my healing actually began.

otherwise, starting and stopping getting high again can easily turn into it's own wheel. things seem different now and again, but it's really the same simple pattern repeating itself.

i think a life directed by this eternal rotation is a clear definition of hell.

today's song choice- shirley bassey's "spinning wheel" is a remix by dj spinna off the remix album.

You got no money and you got no home
Spinnin' wheel all alone
Talkin' 'bout your troubles and you never learn
Ride a painted pony let the spinnin' wheel turn

Did you find the directing sign on the
Straight and narrow highway
Would you mind a reflecting sign
Just let it shine within your mind
And show you the colors that are real

Someone is waiting just for you
Spinnin' wheel, spinnin' true

anhedonia

Definition of Anhedonia
Anhedonia: Loss of the capacity to experience pleasure. The inability to gain pleasure from normally pleasurable experiences. Anhedonia is a core clinical feature of depression, schizophrenia, and some other mental illnesses.

An anhedonic mother finds no joy from playing with her baby. An anhedonic football fan is not excited when his team wins. An anhedonic teenager feels no pleasure from passing the driving test.

"Anhedonia" is derived from the Greek "a-" (without) "hedone" (pleasure, delight). Other words derived from "hedone" include hedonism (a philosophy that emphasizes pleasure as the main aim of life), hedonist (a pleasure-seeker), and hedonophobia (an excessive and persistent fear of pleasure).

anhedonia is a brain condition that can be brought about by prolonged stimulant abuse. the brain forms many extra dopamine receptors in response to it getting flooded by huge bursts of the chemical on a regular basis. it is fooled into thinking there is so much available that it needs to form more receptors to handle the flow.

once a person tries to stop their meth or cocaine use, the brain does not automatically understand this. the extra receptors are still active. they are like munchkins waiting for the arrival of glinda. and when glinda (the big dopamine dumps) doesn't come, they panic and cause the brain to react in a highly agitated and negative fashion.

being used to big highs and big lows, the brain can initially only understand that it doesn't feel anything close to what it's used to. it only feels nothing. it doesn't remember happiness or pleasure. it only feels empty.

this is anhedonia.

if you or someone you know is in early recovery, this can easily be a by-product of getting clean or sober. there is no real quick fix. the brain takes time to heal. plenty of liquids, good sleep, and antioxidants and free radicals can be helpful though. and so can a friend with a great sense of humor.

it can be quite a challenge to comfort a friend while they are in the throes of anhedonia. they may easily become emotional about the loss of pleasure. they may not remember the pleasure they had, even yesterday. they may convince themselves they have never felt such a thing as good. and they may be frightened they will never feel it again.

their brain may be fooling them into a relapse.

for more information on anhedonia and relapse, consult with a mental health or substance use professional in your area. if none are available try findin one through nimh. a person can definitely weather the storm that is anhedonia. i found help through a higher power.

(oh, yes--- and a sponsor, too!)

in the nick

italian made nik nik shirt from the 1970's


i am posting this youtube that was forwarded to me by a 12step program website. it made me smile and remember that there are always others making a similar journey out of hell. it's a blessing to watch them appear out of what seems to be nowhere, yet i guess they are right where they should be.

i have an idea of the tenacity required to keep a blog/vlog going during early recovery, as do others i know. i think it's a great way to journal and to reach out at the same time.

i want to tell him that recovery works. if i work for it as cleverly as i used to find dope it remains within my grasp. and it has shown me it is worth working toward.




am i crazy? this was the question i asked myself the most the first year i was getting clean. i now know i was seriously crazy by the end of my getting high days, but that first year... man, it was just as painful. quitting meth? maybe your hallucinations will stop now. the crazies don't stop for quite awhile. maybe you ARE losing your mind now that you've stopped using, or maybe you are just becoming unwound. maybe you quit just in the nick of time. either way, getting clean really felt like a drag! couldn't resist myself here. the second song this performer is lipsynching is my very very favorite la lupe number.

second time around

Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. Napoleon Hill

today, i thought i would write a simple post about recovery and another aspect to the newness of living sober. i have only a few years into this process and i am still overwhelmed at times by the simplicity of a clear head.

i wake up on a daily basis and automatically give thanks for the opportunity to go forward. truth be told, it's a miracle and a surprise that i am still alive and it has become important for me to remember and acknowledge this. i love starting my routine this way.

i am not sure how it happens, but i stride through my life, sometimes more gracefully than others, with remarkable agility. this is a sharp contrast to my former modus operandi which consisted more of taking a step and then floating thru the air for awhile till i touched down again.

i have been riddled with self doubt for as long as i can remember. this really has not begun to change, although i have a feeling it will. what has changed though, is how i deal with these feelings. i used to check out when they came around, or would imbibe a little something to take the edge off. after awhile, though, that "little" became an oxymoron. now i am learning to sit with those feelings and work through them. definitely this process has resembled rehabilitation. that's precisely what it is.

i believe that i have always generated an energy that is both attractive and inspiring. i can make people laugh from their insides. this ability has a history of being used by me to jockey for position throughout my social and work life. i'm not sure that this has changed entirely, because the "joker" still comes around automatically when somewhat stressful situations arise. but i also am learning to keep this energy and this comedian much more in check. learning subtlety in contrast with my former "over the top" personae has rewards.

i believe in second chances. i believe in giving things another try. i used to be sure i knew everything and would flee when the outside didn't match my inside. now though, i am beginning to be clear that i rarely ever understand everything the first time around.

i feel it all

photo credit: shining ones

"The difference between my will and God's will is that my will starts out easy and gets hard, and God's will starts out hard and gets easy."

A perfect example of this quote is the program itself. My will told me it was much easier to keep using and doing what I was doing then to work the program and the steps. Of course, my will may have appeared easier at first, but oh how hard that path was. By contrast, God's will for me was to recover, and though it was hard at first my life is infinitely better and life truly is easier.

The main problem with my will is that it is first and foremost about me. It tricks me into believing that if I take care of my wants first, then I'll be able to help another -- of course I usually find out that my wants are insatiable, and I quickly become lost in their demands.

God's will, on the other hand, is usually about helping others and with what's right for all concerned -- the whole picture in which I am just part. While this seems backwards to me at times, I always find out that when I'm able to surrender to God's will, my real wants and needs are met and exceeded in ways I never could have imagined.

These days it's easier for me to differentiate between my will and God's will, and more and more I'm able to make the right choice. Ultimately. it's about being comfortable in my own skin, and only choosing God's guarantees me that.

from ezinearticles.com

well, i have exhausted my capacity to be angry about this last situation. hope, serenity, and laughter have found their way back into my heart. it has been 3 months now since i fell into an emotional hole, and almost 2 since i had the second rug pulled out from under me with regard to my vocation. i don't call it a career as it was still so new. i had really only been engaged in it about 2 years, so i don't think it qualifies as a career. and i am not sure if i will continue with counseling as a profession.

i have certainly run the gamut with regard to emotions on this one. i have been much angrier than i like to admit. i have felt betrayed. i have felt used. i have felt crazy. i have felt sad and i have felt like a failure. i have felt cheated. i have felt relieved in some ways, because i knew some things at that workplace were (and are) terribly wrong.

i took the time to speak with a legal representative and we talked for about 2 hours about the entire situation. it was very much like purging and it was also really helpful. i received some guidance with regard to possible direction and avenues for me to pursue. clearly, for me, there are a couple of actions that i need to take.
and he strongly urged that i am clear on my motives.

i agree. i don't want sour grapes to be the thing that propels me into the future. i received a call from the AIDS healthcare unit at the state health department, inquiring if i would be interested in doing some contract work for a short time. the income would be very helpful. they are very interested in the newsletter and it's potential to bring poz men into care. it is simply a conversation, but i must say, it felt like validation for some of the work i have been doing, too. i felt hugged.

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” ...Dr. Seuss