spinning wheel

"until another addict can get you to see how fucked you are, you're really fucked" courtesy of my sponsor

an acquaintance of mine called me this week out of the blue. we exchanged voice mails and finally got a chance to talk last evening. he had recently relapsed and was smoking meth for about a week. he was attempting to stop and had managed to do so for a couple of days.

we chatted for awhile and i helped him laugh a bit. the topic of wanting sex came up and it wasn't surprising. meth can be a great equalizer (along with other substances) in getting rid of inhibitions and sane judgement. but more so in my mind, is this idea that so many gay men (or maybe men in general) are validated emotionally somehow by having a good romp.

a good boink (and even not-so-great) can be validating, but it is as fleeting as a 50's rotating color wheel on a silver tree. it doesn't last.

i encouraged him to call me more to check in, but time will tell if that's in the cards for him. i also encouraged him to find something that he could pour a bit of his soul into. he had verbal comebacks for all my suggestions, which suggests that he isn't listening, just wanting to be heard.

i understand this, and i also understand that i needed to shut the f**k up for awhile and listen till i realized i didn't understand everything and i knew (probably still do) very little. i hope he can find this place, too. that is when my healing actually began.

otherwise, starting and stopping getting high again can easily turn into it's own wheel. things seem different now and again, but it's really the same simple pattern repeating itself.

i think a life directed by this eternal rotation is a clear definition of hell.

today's song choice- shirley bassey's "spinning wheel" is a remix by dj spinna off the remix album.

You got no money and you got no home
Spinnin' wheel all alone
Talkin' 'bout your troubles and you never learn
Ride a painted pony let the spinnin' wheel turn

Did you find the directing sign on the
Straight and narrow highway
Would you mind a reflecting sign
Just let it shine within your mind
And show you the colors that are real

Someone is waiting just for you
Spinnin' wheel, spinnin' true

just one more time

i'm watching a rerun of extreme home makeover. it's sunday and i'm teary-eyed and i'm happy about it. i don't mind watching the show one more time. it's been a busy day, but i started winding down about 3:30p and have been reeling it back in since then.

i got a text early this morning from an acquaintance that i have known for a little over a year. i met him on the day he got out of prison after a 3 year stint from some charges relating to his extended meth use. i helped him get hooked into services, both for recovery support and for his hiv, and tried to support him through his re-entry process. he has done remarkable well and i am really proud of him. anyway, back to the text. the message said he desperately needed to speak with someone asap. i called early am to find out that for about a month he hasn't been feeling so great, but ignored it. and about a week ago, he decided to have a jam with meth again. he could get loaded, have some wild and ravenous sex, and it would all be cool.

but it isn't very cool. his kidneys are shutting down. his musclemass was breaking down and his body wasn't able to process it, so his kidneys shut down. the medical staff has stopped the muscle mass deterioration, but the kidneys are continuing to shut down.

he is scared. he is angry. he is in denial. he is a jelly bean jar of emotions. he kept saying he couldn't believe that he had let go of all the good things happening in his life for that one more time.

i am humbled that he has confided in me. i am amazed that he has reached out, and i hope i can be of service. there is much opportunity for me to experience love through this. i'll pray i can see it.