for the love of life

i had breakfast with my sponsor yesterday. i hadn't seen him in awhile as he had a fairly radical surgical procedure for esophogial cancer. he has lost about 50 pounds and he has been blessed with much rest and time to reflect on the importance of things and the value of living. he seemed at peace and eager to love.

i realized that my own life has been very different these last couple of months and partially because i felt fear about losing him. i remember having thoughts of being completely lost without that bastion of support he has given me these four years. and i suppose i have been keeping myself very lost in work and activities so i wouldn't have to look at those fears. not sure if this is healthy behavior or not, but this is my experience.

i also saw an old friend in november that i hadn't seen in awhile. there swirled around him some rumors of current injection meth use. these stories , coupled with some erratic behavior on his part, gave me pause to be concerned. firstly for his health and safety, having my own documented catastrophic experience in this arena, but also because i have cherished his love and support for many years and immediately there was profound fear of losing that love. i did not process these concerns though. i stuffed them, and charged forward just a tight end might push ahead in search of a touchdown. don't think i've yet reached that goal.

three weeks before christmas, i had a surprise conversation about the grant i am working through. because of budget shifts and money crunches the once expected second-year renewal of that funding is hazy and not a slam-dunk at all. i have been quietly working at not letting this cause me concern, but secretly playing out strategies in my head to counter this loss of revenue as i don't feel my current work is finished. sidenote here, i don't think i perceive my work as to be that which is outlined in this particular grant. i see the scope of the work i am doing quite a bit wider than is laid out currently. the unoutlined scope is perhaps more exciting to me because it's fuel is syncronicity, which is one of the cornerstones of my recovery. allowing what is to be come forward and accepting the challenge. yet here i was all month spending energy on worrying and trying to control the outcome.

amidst all this fear of loss, and with the intention of blocking it out,  i have been barrelling through my days with nary a moment or two for reflection or the time to actuallly have my feelings. this morning i am enlightened with the realization that i have been doing very much the same thing i have been doing most of my life- getting lost in addictive behavior.

it's not easy to look at this. the consequences of work as an addictive behavior is far less costly, although it is equally toxic, thus flies under the radar so easily. the less i am in touch with my feelings, the less authentic my life is. i strive to be as present in my day as i can. i guess recently that just hasn't been very much. it is far less interesting to view a colorful painting of a beautiful field of flowers on a summer afternoon or a winter visit to a babbling creek, than it is to be actually standing there, with the sounds, smells, and other senses of truly being in the middle of it. this is where i need to redirect my attention. being here now, even if it hurts sometimes. for me, this is what my recovery means. and these revelations i am awakening to are the reasons i am on the path on which i find myself.

And slowly I've come to realize
It's all as it should be
That hiding space
A lonely place
How can the right thing be so wrong?
I've found mistakes
Where they don't belong
For the love of life
We'll defeat this
They may tear us down
But we'll go down fighting
Won't we?
 
today's sound choice is david sylvian with "for the love of life". funny thing - i was thinking of using "my friends" from sweeney todd because i love the metaphor of the razors as addictive behaviors, but i stumbled upon this youtube entry and thought the song so haunting, i couldn't pass it by.
 

 
 
 
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not just monkeying around

terry oldes is a chicagoan whose path has had some identifiable similarities with many people i interface with as well as my own. he found himelf being sucked under the whirlpool of addiction and meth abuse and has made it back to the surface. his ability to ariculate his adventures and tales puts him in a very lucky category. it becomes easy to say "there's another horror story on meth". this may have true elements, but it does not make the reading or the telling of that story worthwhile. the mere fact that another person has made it through the hell of methamphetamine with the stamina and the cognition to produce a book may give others hope that ceasing their current dalliances with the drug may be worthwhile.

Interview with SX News-Sydney, Australia



Dancing With Tina: A Memoir of Co-dependency is the true story of Terry Oldes's struggle with sexual identity, co-dependency and Crystal Meth. This very personal and sometimes graphic account traces the diverse relationships impacted by a drug that is horrifically affecting the gay community in both the United States and abroad.



The forthright and humorous manner with which Terry Oldes tell his story will hopefully discourage those who have never used Crystal Meth against the drug and inspire those who are currently using to find hope at a time when it is difficult to see.


We spoke with Terry about what motivated him to put his story down on paper, his aim in writing about such a topical issue, his road to recovery, and the media frenzy surrounding the use of Crystal Meth in the gay community.


Tell us about yourself?


Well, I'm 42 years old, was adopted as an infant in a rural Iowa community in the U.S. , and went to college in New York City to study music and acting. I came out at the age of 21, was a Mr. Gay Iowa, lived in Nashville , TN for a number of years as a singer/songwriter then moved to Chicago in 1994.


"Dancing With Tina" takes place in Oct. 2003-Oct. 2005, a period when I used Crystal Meth and had one of the most intense roller coaster rides of my life. After I walked away from the drug I started writing. By putting my meth adventures down on paper, I knew I could go back to it time and again to remind myself why I needed to stay away from Meth. Two months into the writing my therapist suggested I try to get it published since he thought I could possibly help other gay men with my experiences. By November, 2005, I had a 700 page manuscript, found a publisher within three months, began editing it down to 300 pages…and here we are….



What was the response of loved ones and friends to the writing and release of this book?



My friends were extremely open-minded and supportive. Perhaps they all viewed this as some "phase" but nobody ever judged me amongst my friends. I credit them with helping me walk away from Meth as easily as I did.


My family, however, was another matter. There is really just my father, my brother and myself and I haven't been emotionally close to my family since I was 14. There was plenty of bigotry and close mindedness throughout much of my childhood and from an early age I knew there was nothing wrong with my being gay. My brother and nephew both read my book, to my surprise, and they impressed me with how supportive they were. It wasn't exactly their can of worms, of course, but they were respectful of the piece and said they were proud of what I was trying to accomplish.


My father and I are, unfortunately, estranged. One Christmas Eve I called to wish him a happy holiday and my step-mother said, "He doesn't want to talk to you anymore". While it was certainly a shock, I can't say it was too big of a surprise, and after about a minute of feeling lost it was as if a huge rock had rolled off my back. Drug abuse is never about the drug itself, it's almost always about something deeply emotional and psychological within the user. With me it was co-dependency, which was a product of the abandonment issues I had as a child, coupled with my own natural need to pull away if someone wouldn't let me be who I wanted to be. Although I'm not necessarily happy about the scenario, having a close family just wasn't in the cards for me. This may sound a bit Pollyannaish, but I truly do feel it's a waste of time to cry over what I don't have and that I need to celebrate what I do have, which is actually quite a lot.

you can read the rest of the interview at terry's blog. a barrel full of monkeys



today's sound choice is a relatively newer single by the gossip. they have a definitive sound established and it resonates with the alternative side of my nature. their first big single "standing in the way of control" had a very similar quality to this song, i think. i like their sound and i like the tongue-in-cheek homage in the video. here is "heavy cross" by the gossip.








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ooh oh oh oh

If it makes you feel like a million dollar bill
Say oh oh oh, say oh oh oh !
If you go left right up down
Make you spinning round and round
Say ooh oh oh oh, say ooh oh oh oh !

in this voyage with recovery, i have found that things i have never even conceived of have become possible. i didn't ever think i would be comfortable in my own skin, but it has begun to happen. i never thought i would be working in a hospital, and yet that i find myself in that environment. and i never thought i might have an impact on much of anything other than a dance party or two. but i find i might have underestimated yet again.

there are some changes afoot around me with regard to some policies and procedures that may impact the lives of people on a real time basis. i have neither designed nor implemented these changes, but i did have a hand in bringing the need for them to light. i won't go into details here as they are still in process, but i am humbled by the privilege to be a part of this. treatment should become much easier to access and also remain connected to medical care. these elements may be more closely linked than i ever realized.

if this is my only contribution to this particular venue, then i shall remain a happy man. never in my wildest dreams did i conceive of myself as travelling this road. yet here i find myself, on a path that is filled with wonder, amazement, and even fulfillment. i'm sure this is a location i have not visited before. it's beautiful here and definitely a thrill.

thank you universe, for reminding me once again that there are good things yet to happen.

today's sound choice is certainly obtuse. i have been listening to many, many versions of this song since i first heard it. it is easy, poppy, upbeat, and makes me smile almost every time. this is the freemason's remix of whitney houston with "million dollar bill"

forget-me-not

I got this email today much to my surprise. it came totally out of the blue and i found myself tearing up a little as i read it. i've known the author since 1980. we used to be very very close, but after i left chicago, things changed quite a bit. i am so blessed to have people in my life who know my history and still show interest in who i am.

i have been working on opening myself up to love. and i have been aware that the love may come in a myriad of forms.

You rock Mr. Rushing. Not only are you one of the funniest, kindest and most generous persons I have ever known -but your life is so benevolent to everyone around you!!! I am very impressed with all that you are giving to the world and am so happy you have tapped into a wonderful career for helping people.Blue and I are struggling to survive in this crazy economy right now and it is our sense of humor that helps us to keep on. We constantly laugh at our foibles and all this madness we have created in our lives and that's a good thing!!! Todd and Eddie always ask about you - you made quite an impression on them when we saw you in S. F..
Love ,Bob

in keeping with this theme, today's sound choice is the noisettes with a single that is getting much airplay these days "never forget you". another friend left me a voicemail last weekend, saying i had to hear this because he loved it so much. and when he heard it, he thought of me.

i'm blushing and it feels really good.

rewind

i learned it by watching you, dad...



and a scrubs parody....

who's driving the bus?

So now we are faced with an important question, 'Who's driving your bus?'

Is it someone from your past who has dominated you and what you do, even though they may not still be present in your life now? Are they taking you where you want to go? Do you feel like you would like to the bus to stop and let you off? Now here comes the challenge...

From this rear seat of observation, we need to start to move closer to the driver's seat. It doesn't matter how long this takes, and it doesn't matter how much we are challenged by the people who may be trying to block our progress forward. We have to do this for ourselves... starting right now!.. from ezine article

as i thought about this post i had a tongue in cheek when i thought of my fella blogger java. she used to be a bus driver for a living. i loved so many of her stories about the adventures on that bus of hers. i still am agog with her life's adventures and her frank ability to relay them.

but back to this bus. there is a saying in recovery which is "who's driving your bus". this is in direct correlation to a next stage of recovery. once someone gets the chemicals out of their body and their brain, and let go of the obsession to re ingest, there is a new situation that appears on the foreground.

it consists of the mess that had been covered up by too much pills and liquor that now moves into the foreground. many many times, people who get sober will find themselves involved in what would seem insane behavior because they haven't done any work learning how to live life on life's terms. they haven't healed childhood traumas, they haven't forgiven perpetrators and still hold resentment. they haven't tried to grow or just don't know how. this is often referred to in twelve step as a dry drunk.

it's not surprising. so many people seeking recovery have been under the influence for the greater part of their adult lives. to know how to roll with anger, frustration, worry, anxiety, or boredom is completely new to them they have no experience at coping either with the big stuff or the little. and i cannot forget fear. fear is at the root of so many issues, and i still find that i am afraid of things that are no longer even relevant in my life.

so many people put down the pipe, the straw, the needle, or the bottle. but if they want peace, they will need to strive for personal growth beyond just getting sober or clean. they will have to stretch their hearts and minds beyond their comfort zone.

at least this is my experience. i have now encountered this question at several junctions in my recent life.... "who's driving your bus?" and i have to wonder who is driving. i think it's not the guy i want it to be.

it is affirming to have direction. i need it in my life.

today's sound choice is diva diana ross with a live version of "do ya know where you're going to?"

everybody plays the fool

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Mark Twain

i was having lunch today with a friend and we were chatting about our individual trips through europe. the one i talked about was my trip with my friend blue through germany,austria, with prague and amsterdam added in. he was telling me about 2 separate trips which were car purchases, one audi and one mercedes. it was very light reminiscence and i'm sure an onlooker could tell our hearts were lighter with the breeze of recall.

but somewhere in the conversation, my history with my career in travel came up, and i found myself spouting much more about my emotional entanglements and my drinking habits, than i did the triumphs and tragedies of my worklife.

it didn't seem appropriate at all, and i tried to stop myself a couple of times, but it was almost like trying to stop a windup toy. i could stop for a minute, but when i was freed up i simply continued to sputter until the memory had wound down.

later this afternoon, i was in a meeting of a group i volunteer for. we were discussing the next year's finances and something just wasn't right. there seemed to be some information that i had been expecting to get that just never appeared. and the discussions meandered around the conference table like a maypole dance in slo-mo. i felt thoughts become pressure that built up in my head. i was watching my comrades speak and kept thinking i must have missed a memo. i cannot be this disconnected to what is happening. how did i land in this dream?

i couldn't help myself. there was no way i could not clear my throat and blurt out the question that was tickling my every fiber. "what about this information we have been expecting". well, we don't have that information, yet we are expected to make decisions about the coming fiscal year.

it was a question that no one else would dare ask. i'm sure the implications of talking about "the unspeakable" made most around me squirm with uneasiness. a friend on teleconference snapped about my query and insisted he would resign because of the appearance of impropriety. i then found myself apologizing for my unbridled zest. in now way was i attempting accusations. merely concerned about propriety and responsibility. and my own lack of abundant time to follow up on the details. but i can't just remain quiet when it is abundantly clear that silence is preferred.

in the "program" this is referred to as character defects. this sort of restraint i lack is honestly something i have never possessed. i have lived most of my life as impulsive as one can be.

i am trying to learn about life with new eyes. i am blessed with the ability to comprehend and communicate in ways that many i encounter will not. the complications i find myself in these days are "gold problems". the inability to shut up is a "gold problem". the ability to say "no" to myself with regard to getting high was a long overdue skill which has changed my life.

today's sound choice is the main ingredient with "everybody plays the fool"

streets of san francisco

“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.”

i stopped by his house with a friend to see how he was doing. he was seen earlier in pretty bad shape, having been drinking for an indeterminable amount of time. he had been incoherent and spouting off about how terrible things were going for him and he was kind of done with it all. he had marked in red marker on both arms the words "do not resucitate". he had frightened the people who saw him because he was walking with such darkness surrounding him.

so i stopped by his house to find him shouting angrily from the other side of the door. but when he realized it was me and that he would have an audience, he let me in and began to do his thing. he had moved his sofa into the hallway of his floor by the elevators. it was dissheveled and acted like a beacon foretelling what was to be encountered further down that floor.

he repeated himself several times about being evicted. he had received a letter from the manager with a list of indiscretions, including exposing himself to others in the hallways, and crawling through the lobby babbling nonsense as he moved along. he claimed that he doesn't do things like that, and the manager was lying. i asked if he remembered what happened, and he retorted- well,no... but i don't do those things... who can argue with logic like this.

so he is angry and he is trying to get rid of most of the stuff in his apartment. things are strewn all over and many cupboard doors are open with nothing inside. most of what was there seems to be on the floor. and he plops himself down on his floor on a dirty square of rug and swigs from a 1/2 gallon of vodka. he holds court from this position for the rest of the visit, feeling sorry for himself and loving the attention. i admired the magically marked words on his forearms. we talked about residential treatment and he liked this idea. but he wasn't ready to go today.

all he wanted was his vodka in his darkly lit apartment. he had spent the money when he was released from psych and he planned to see that plan through to the end. my role was slight. i was simply a passerby today. all i could do was be present and remind him that he was connected to life by more than just a tether. that hope was real, even if he couldn't tune it in. and i would be there again to offer to help.

as i left, i couldn't help but recall some of the situational cop dramas that i had seen during my childhood. hill street blues, police woman, mod squad, and streets of san francisco. they all were dimly lit and peppered with insanity. the scene from which i just emerged could have been in any one of those shows. it was drama, it was theater, and it was addiction. my job is often simply to witness and wait for opportunity. if it ever comes....

and now a word from our sponsor.....

today's sound choice is the theme song "from the streets of san francisco". check it out... what a line-up.

letting go

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life.

letting go sounds so simple. just 3 little syllables and it's done. in my world however, it's just a bit more complicated. i have been busy the last couple of years working in projects that have appeared before me. i have enjoyed so much of the process. i realize though that part of this process includes making room for others to take the lead and and for me it means moving on.

the weird part is the emotional tug that takes place during all this. there's a little bit that gets unnerved because others want to do things differently. most likely there are many things that should be done in a matter separate from the one at hand. but as my nature goes, i struggle a bit with the shift. even when i know things need to change.

and i know they need to change. part of what holds interest for me is the development of ideas. this is acutely opposed to running them. the latter seems about as tasty as spooning wheat germ in my eyes. the question is why would i put myself through the drama of expectoration when i already know it is inevitable?

today i went to a meeting and due to circumstances i realized 5 minutes in that i didn't want to be there. i want to support their efforts, but i cannot endure the posturing. so i slipped out and enjoyed my afternoon.

today's sound choice is morningwood with "best of me". i saw them perform on logo's newnownext 2009 awards last night. they were fine.

it's on

rider michael varnen

the weekend has brought me rest and peace of mind. this is quite a departure from where my weekends were only months ago. the down time was treacherous and hard to maneuver. what a difference a few months can make, as well as a full time job and a need to relax.

i heard from my friend from san francisco again and we are to try to connect soon. amazingly, he came across my name on the sin yahoo group. he told me he saw my name and thought "you've got to be kidding".. i love this coincidence...

got tickets for a laurie anderson performance at colorado state this next month. i haven't seen her for roughly 25 years. i am certainly older and hopefully wiser, and i would expect nothing less of her. i understand she is doing much more with her violin and much of it is even symphonic. she was definitely someone i worshipped in the 80's. she was a thinking artist, pal-ing around with william s burroughs and lou reed. i look forward to the show.

the riders have arrived at the first leg of their 7 day jaunt in the california aids/lifecycle. this annual effort captivates my attention. i admire much both my fellow positives as well as the athletes who take their time to raise money and awareness that this virus has not gone away. so many sacrifices have been made in the struggle to live that i think we have a tendency to take them for granted. but 7 days of gruelling pedalling gets my attention for its heroics and romance..

i am so blessed at this juncture of my life. i have no reason to think why, but luckily i have no reason to think why not. i have re-engaged with my exercise program in the morning and have re-started a nutritional supplement as well. i believe both of these new additions have helped to reshape my perspective. i have quite a week ahead and hope i can weather the ride. it will hardly reflect the challenges that my brothers and sisters are undergoing on their trek, but i honestly hope some part of it will have a similarly directed impact.

human

HH the Dalai Lama:
Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.

there is just so much that has been going on this week that i have hardly been able to keep up. but i am not complaining.... it's more like awe...

there was occasion on tuesday for me to acknowledge a friend in denver with regard to the more than 25 years of advocacy he has forged for the hiv population of colorado. he is tenacious and driven and often challenging to get on with. no doubt this is one reason he hasn't received a nod prior. he was obviously affected and i felt joy and a bit of pride (sorry to say).

i am beginning to come to terms with the realization that i am unable to immediately help everyone that comes my way at work. this is no surprise in most of the other work i do, however with the new gig, i am finding i am only human as well. no superpowers here. my heart tore earlier this week as i watched a person squirm inside being driven by self-sabotage. this is humbling at best...

have been walking on eggshells before this week and repeatedly finding myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. after all, my inability and incompetence will be found out. it is revealed that i don't believe i deserve to be happy, or maybe don't trust my colleagues (especially after last year's scandalous debacle from my former counselor/employer). i am actively working on letting that go.

went to see a new medical person this week. not too many changes in my routine. same tests, same meds, just new digs in which to do them. i am curious if my weight will start to drop with the exercise and re-integration of bio-algae, and if there is a way to return my sense of taste.

finally, an old friend from san francisco has contacted me by email today. i really liked him. he's funny, smart, and pretty savvy. he was partnered with the owner of the restaurant where i worked at fisherman's wharf. he made me smile. we went to see (and hear) david sedaris, too. i loved that.

but he also did crystal. we didn't really do it together. once i started using, i lost interest in others. i just started disappearing when i was high. i couldn't keep up with social relationships at all. my old boss got fed up and stopped talking to me. never saw my friend much before i drove across the bay bridge for so-cal for the last time. not sure what will come from this correspondence..

my life has expanded. my ability to move within its weavings has become nimble. i am discovering "rolling with resistance" in my life. and i am opening as a morning glory would.

i could not resist the sound choice for today.. the quintessential 80's human league with "human"

diggin' ed's head

i have to nod to lifelube again. this time regarding the recovery related posts from ed negron. he is a person in recovery who is sharing his journey and insight. somedays i find that what others are saying has more merit than i can seem to muster. you can check out ed's here.

The 12 Steps: A historic and analytic explanation

[Channeled via 12 Steps Workbook: The Proactive Twelve Steps by Serge Prengel]

Since the beginning of our work-in we have been doing a lot of work, good work to, on our inner self, keep it up. This is the first major effort we’ll make at formal self-examination. Self-examination, and the resulting self-knowledge, is critically important to building our inner strength. It is also a vitally important component of all spiritual disciplines. It’s time to own our shit. In order to move forward you have to own up to your mistakes and stop blaming others for them. Without doing this we are bound to continue to repeat those old mistakes over and over again.

Step 4

I honestly look at the effects of my actions on others and myself.

Original wording (AA):
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Honesty

When things aren't working well, the temptation is to hunker down, feel defensive, and try to prove why what you're doing should work. Of course, this won't magically make things work.

Step 4 is about stepping away from the heat of battle, and taking a non-partisan look at your own actions.

Does it mean that you were bad, and we now have to become good?

No, you're certainly not trying to become an angel (or to convince yourself that you’re one). In fact, if you try to go that route, your life somehow becomes even more unmanageable. All you have to do is try to not be so defensive. That is, try to just face the reality of what you do without jumping to justify it in the same breath. The original 12 steps called Step 4 a "fearless" moral inventory. The fearlessness lies in that you accept to face reality, whatever it is.

Beyond good and evil

What makes this kind of honesty possible is removing the notion of judgment - that is, the potential for blame and shame. Step 4 is about looking at facts - as opposed to adding overlays of judgment and blame onto them in such a way that the facts become obscured.

There is a big difference between being in Criminal Court and doing Step 4:
- In Criminal Court, the rule is for the indicted person to avoid responsibility.
- In Step 4, your goal is to work toward taking responsibility for what you do.

Why would you do that? It is a logical continuation of the leap of faith described earlier. Your hope is that, whatever you find out about yourself, it will be something that you can live with.

This will lead you to eventually get to know your true self - - and that this might turn out to be a better person than you thought you were!

Now it’s time to stop reading and start writing.

Get to work! You have an inventory to write.

today's sound choice is vintage ministry (1983) with "work for love" - before they went hardcore.... i saw them play this live on many occasions in my neighborhood. hope you have as much fun as i do hearing it...

the simple life

in the middle of all the very different things in my day is the process of posting here. it is rarely the beginning nor is it very often the end. it usually comes somewhere in the middle of my day.

i had come to have such a pattern of posting everyday and it seems difficult to change that. a couple of years ago, my friend and i remarked that we were about the only people we knew who actually posted daily like clockwork.

this is bound to shift now. my relationship with blogging is evolving and my needs are certainly different than when i began. i have been blessed to come through some major shifts in my emotional life with the stern pounding of the keyboard each day. i have examined so many aspects of my former life and found new perspectives and uses for their existence in my memory.

i am going to let go of the need to post daily simply to post, and see if my heart will once again engage with the process or if the enjoyment factor will shift. there are so very many things i am experiencing but this is not the venue for processing those. i now need to explore what this blog has in mind. and i plan on enjoying that process.

today's sound choice is levi kreis with "hardly a hero".

smoke gets in your eyes

i spent an hour or so speaking with a couple of guys who were smoking meth for about 6 years or so. they stopped about a month ago, mostly i think because one copped a case around drug dealing, but that is only an assumption.

as i spoke with one of them, i realized that he was very intelligent, came from a fairly grounded family. he probably got involved with meth on a lark, 'cuz 6 or 7 years ago it was quite fashionable to get high.

and he said it was only on weekends for a couple of years. but then it changed and he couldn't remember when. i believe him on this. i know that my own use slipped from using to abusing without my even being aware that something was changing. the dopamine dumps are so intoxicating that we don't necessarily remember when we shift from "seeing each other" to a "relationship". but that's how it happens.

i started smoking, but the smoke got in my eyes. i stayed numb and really didn't realize my life was completely changing all around me. but that's how it seemed to happen.

and recovery, is finding the where-with-all to clear away the smoke, and the wreckage, to start building a life a again.

i certainly hope this happens for the guys i spoke with yesterday. and i hope they can ask for help if they need it.

today's sound choice is judy garland with "smoke gets in your eyes". i think she definitely has some experience with this concept.

remix

quite a day. today was quite something. i started working out once again. cardio mostly. 3 1/2 miles around the park. it left me energized, but with vaguely aching thighs.

today was dining out for life which benefits angel heart. my workmates and i went to parallel 17 and had some really yummy vietnamese nibbles. they coulda rolled me out. i had poached pear with ginger for dessert. i wish i could type aaaahhhhh and make it as dramatic as it was on the palate.

then went back to the office. in walked a client i hadn't seen in a coupla years. definitely did my heart some good.

then went to planning council leadership meeting. we have been looking at reallocation of surplus (yes virginia, i typed surplus) funds. i had decided a couple of days ago to advocate for re-entry population services. others, of course, had other ideas. came to some consensus, though. and i am glad i spoke up.

few of these things may seem connected, but they are. they all happened in one day to one person. and they all contributed to the final draft of a day in the life of a thankful guy in recovery.

today's sound choice is a remix of blue six's tropicalia from cosmic lounge.

state of mind

In life, there's many things that we have to learn to let go. We have to let go of situations, things, memories, people and even ourselves.

a theme is definitely emerging in my daily landscape and that might very well be "letting go". all the things i think i know somehow seem to be simply things i know and not truths. i am reminded often that the world is much larger than my limited perspective and perhaps i might try something called reserve or "wait and see".

for an impulsive person like me, the idea of waiting to see what may happen before coming to a conclusion seems almost counter-intuitive. my whole lifetime is pretty much based upon leaping before i look and jumping head first.

but these days, i find myself in a completely different state of mind. i am consistently reminded that i cannot see the whole picture. that if i pause, more will be revealed, and that i will most likely change my mind, so delaying a decision might not be completely lame. mind you, these are not emergency situations i am talking about here.

yesterday in a session, many of the participants were dealing with highly volatile emotional reactions they had from exchanges with another person. they were allowing their own balance to be disrupted by the activities of another. initially, i was reminded of myself, but then i remembered that i am actively learning to let others be as they are without upsetting my own equilibrium. that it's not necessary to be involved with others' drama. they can have their crazy and i will stay grounded where i am.

doesn't this sound delicious? i only pray this state of mind stays with me.

today's sound choice is a triple treat of shirley bassey with "new york state of mind" and a couple of other ballads.

if i can't have you

Don't know why
I'm survivin' every lonely day
When there's got to be no chance for me
My life would end
And it doesn't matter how I cry
My tears, so far, are a waste of time
If I turn away
Am I strong enough to see it through?
Go crazy is what I will do

i have noticed a shift in my thinking lately. there is much around me these days that i find intoxicating. many things to learn. new experiences. new conversations. and new perspectives of things that have been around me a long while. all this has found me reeling with the feeling that my head is spinning on my shoulders at times.

underneath all this is also the germination of an interesting perspective, too. i am feeling a little security which is highly unusual for me. i have been a gypsy most of my life. not just in my location, but also within my heart. i have always been nomadic with friends, in love, and with inspiration. but what may now be sprouting is a definitely new. i am finding safety and comfort in where i am, and am feeling a lack of desperation to hold on to controling where i am. another way to say it is i am not feeling the need to wander. i don't wanna flee. i am feeling contented. i am surrendering.

ahhhh. it feels good.

so many mo's i talk to seem to be ready for this 'mo to steal the show. i don't know. he's pretty damn good. what do y'all think?

blindfold

i was thinking about the common practice i have of putting a blindfold on with regard to certain aspects of situations that enables me not to look at them or deal with them. i have gained quite a bit of lbs this last 9 months or so, i have meant to do something about it, and yet i do nothing. every day as i try to squeeze myself into my spongebob pants, i am mortified for a brief space in time, but then i let it go.

and beneath all this, there is no doubt in my mimd that this shapeshifting is connected to internal upheaval that i am covering up. turning a blind eye. putting on a blindfold. i have become used to living in the dark. so much easier to sweep whatever mess under the rug.

today, i am hoping to put a dent in this shield i have developed. even better would be a crack.

breaking free would be a gift from the gods.



today's sound choice is morcheeba with "blindfold"

equinox

i wanted a little something today to match how my mood. somehow vivaldi came to mind. i feel as if i am in a thaw. i have noticed new ideas and remembered feelings sprouting out around me.

it's mainly glorious. if i were dancing it would be fitting as i surely feel as a sprite would feel. full of skip and bounce. things are evolving and changing and it's the time for the light to play with my perception and experience.

i watched prayers for bobby last night and had a fantastic cry. it was an april shower and i needed it desperately in my high plains desert heart.

today's sound choice is vivaldi's spring

as the rush comes

There´s a coldness in the air
but I don´t care...
(Embrace me... surround me)

Travelling somewhere
could be anywhere
there´s a coldness in the air
but I don´t care
we drift deeper
life goes on
we drift deeper
into the sound

there has been a luxury to this weekend. i am actually engaging in rest which has seemed a distant relative for so long. and it is with amazement that i have napped, i have watched film, i have taken naps, and i have snacked.

i have made some headway with some efforts as well. ten has moved closer to filing for its nonprofit status. i put down my sword for awhile today with progress in mind. i'm sure much of it is due to the swell of much needed relaxation that was necessary. the website for ten should be finished within a coupla days. you can check it out at www.ontheten.com

i am typing this on saturday night after watching "grey gardens" on hbo. it is a dramatic re-enactment of the bouvier-beales that were the subject of the original documentary by that same name. also with that name was the estate in the east hamptons that the mother-daughter duo inhabited for most of their later lives. the hbo film was quite stunning, and i felt the performances (jessica lange and drew barrymore) were tender and poignant.

one of the most appealing aspects of the film is the uncomfortability in watching these characters who are obviously a bit dotty plod through their lives without a real vision and without much obvious fear. they are completely intelligent, well mannered, and more than slightly off their rockers. the appeal for me is knowing how very much like them i have felt and indeed must be. crazy is in the eyes of the beholder. i know that there have been times that i have been convinced of feelings and ideas that have no connection to reality, and yet my perception of the world at those moments are totally influenced by crazy.

today's sound choice is a tiesto remix of motorcycle doing "as the rush comes"