new birth

Woah, yeah, yeah
something sweeet as a candy bar
My girl in need
Thats what you are

Oh, I, I can understand it
Jack and Jill going up the hill
Storybooks and fairytales
I, I can understand it
And if our love gets to be anything but this
If someone gets to feel your warm and tender kiss
Oh, tell me, baby, how will I ever understand it, baby?

i attended a seminar put on the the Colorado Department of Behavioral Health yesterday on LGBT cultural congruency in mental health and substance abuse treatment. it was really an overview of a train the trainer program which delves into the cultural significancies of denying one's self publicly for years in orde to meet social pressures juxtaposed with the desire and/or process to "come out" and own the true feelings one may have about their intimate selves.

there was a breakdown of 5 stages of acceptance that these individuals would go through before coming to a place of true acceptance and ownership of their true nature and real selves. providers were prodded to consider where on this spectrum of accpetance their clients were when assessing a treatment plan as supportig moving through changes may be helpful in the treatment of their maladies. i remember visiting a therapist in 1974 and being told that my mother's reactions to the "i'm gay" news brought to mind the stages off grief no doubt there is similarity here. i imagine that grieving an old self may be appropriate for some clients.

Self-Recognition as Gay

More than just an awareness of attraction to members of the same sex, it involves confusion, some attempt at denial and repression of feelings, anxiety, trying to "pass," counseling, and often religious commitment to "overcome" sexuality. Eventually, acknowledgment and acceptance of one's sexual orientation develops. There may be some grief over "the fall from paradise" and feelings of loss of a traditional heterosexual life.
Gay and lesbian people may be fairly closeted at this point. However, most seek out information about being gay.

Disclosure to Others

Sharing one's sexual orientation with a close friend or family member is the first step in this stage. Rejection may cause a return to the Self-Recognition stage, but positive acceptance can lead to better feelings of self-esteem. Usually disclosure is a slow process. Some gays and lesbians come out in "gentle" ways, admitting they are gay if asked but not volunteering it. Others do it in "loud" ways, proclaiming their sexuality to others to end the invisibility of being gay. As this stage progresses, a self-image of what it means to be gay develops, and the individual studies stereotypes, incorporates some information about gays while rejecting other information.

Socialization with Other Gays

Socializing with other gays and lesbians provides the experience that the person is not alone in the world, and there are other people like him or her. A positive sense of self, indeed pride develops, and is strengthened by acceptance, validation, and support. Contact with positive gay or lesbian role models can play a big role in this stage.

Positive Self-Identification

This stage entails feeling good about oneself, seeking out positive relationships with other gays or lesbians, and feeling satisfied and fulfilled.

Integration and Acceptance

Entails an openness and non-defensiveness about one's sexual orientation. One may be quietly open, not announcing their sexual orientation, but available for support to others nonetheless. Couples live a comfortable life together and generally seek out other couples.Openness is often mitigated by age. Older men may be less open in their lives, and may see no need to change. Younger men may be more open, politically active, and visible in the gay community.


this makes very good sense and should be incorporated into assessment. but what i hadn't realized before yesterday, is that there is probably a similar spectrum of acceptance around being hiv positive (or any other illness or condition) and that assessing the stage of acceptance may be helpful in determining assisting people with moving forward with recovery. there is the same assessment with 12 step, but i hadn't really considered it with the hiv acceptance spectrum before.

i am looking forward to incorporating some of this into the work i do- both on the screening side and on the treatment side. there are so many clients i am working with currently that seem very stuck in their lives. it would be great to find another avenue to assist.

today's sound choice is a very personal coming out song for me. in 1973 when i was 15, i used to hang out once in awhile at a bar called pq's in chicago. i only went on saturday nights usually, and the dancefloor used to be packed... i mean sardine-packed. and this song used to get the walls rockin'. the original is  by bobby womack and it's the bomb, but i am posting a cover that came out that same year by new birth. here is "i can understand it"

painful feelings

ed negron is a blogger from chicago who has a similar background to many. not only is he a former addict, current counselor, and thoughtfully working on his recovery, he has been documenting his perspectives and his process through his own blog the work-in and is a regular contributor on lifelube. this post is a reprint from those blogs as it brought a melody (pun intended) of truth into my day.

Painful Feelings

Today I want to share with you another daily reading from the book The Language of Letting Go by one of my favorite authors Melody Beattie. First here is a snippet of Melody’s bio from her website melodybeattie.com:  

“Melody Beattie is one of America’s most beloved self-help authors and a household name in addiction and recovery circles. Her international bestselling book, Codependent No More, introduced the world to the term “codependency” in 1986. Millions of readers have trusted Melody’s words of wisdom and guidance because she knows firsthand what they’re going through. In her lifetime, she has survived abandonment, kidnapping, sexual abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, divorce, and the death of a child. “Beattie understands being overboard, which helps her throw bestselling lifelines to those still adrift,” said Time Magazine….”

I highly recommend you add some of her books to your work-in regimen.

Dealing with Painful Feelings
Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings may trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless.
Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the situation.
These actions may give us a temporary feeling of satisfaction, but they only postpone facing our pain.
Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings.
We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on. That does not mean we have to seek out hurt feelings or dwell unnecessarily on them. Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with our life.
We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them and to us.
Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings.

Today, I will surrender to my feelings, even the emotionally painful ones. Instead of acting in haste, or attempting to punish someone, I will be vulnerable enough to feel my feelings.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
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for the love of life

i had breakfast with my sponsor yesterday. i hadn't seen him in awhile as he had a fairly radical surgical procedure for esophogial cancer. he has lost about 50 pounds and he has been blessed with much rest and time to reflect on the importance of things and the value of living. he seemed at peace and eager to love.

i realized that my own life has been very different these last couple of months and partially because i felt fear about losing him. i remember having thoughts of being completely lost without that bastion of support he has given me these four years. and i suppose i have been keeping myself very lost in work and activities so i wouldn't have to look at those fears. not sure if this is healthy behavior or not, but this is my experience.

i also saw an old friend in november that i hadn't seen in awhile. there swirled around him some rumors of current injection meth use. these stories , coupled with some erratic behavior on his part, gave me pause to be concerned. firstly for his health and safety, having my own documented catastrophic experience in this arena, but also because i have cherished his love and support for many years and immediately there was profound fear of losing that love. i did not process these concerns though. i stuffed them, and charged forward just a tight end might push ahead in search of a touchdown. don't think i've yet reached that goal.

three weeks before christmas, i had a surprise conversation about the grant i am working through. because of budget shifts and money crunches the once expected second-year renewal of that funding is hazy and not a slam-dunk at all. i have been quietly working at not letting this cause me concern, but secretly playing out strategies in my head to counter this loss of revenue as i don't feel my current work is finished. sidenote here, i don't think i perceive my work as to be that which is outlined in this particular grant. i see the scope of the work i am doing quite a bit wider than is laid out currently. the unoutlined scope is perhaps more exciting to me because it's fuel is syncronicity, which is one of the cornerstones of my recovery. allowing what is to be come forward and accepting the challenge. yet here i was all month spending energy on worrying and trying to control the outcome.

amidst all this fear of loss, and with the intention of blocking it out,  i have been barrelling through my days with nary a moment or two for reflection or the time to actuallly have my feelings. this morning i am enlightened with the realization that i have been doing very much the same thing i have been doing most of my life- getting lost in addictive behavior.

it's not easy to look at this. the consequences of work as an addictive behavior is far less costly, although it is equally toxic, thus flies under the radar so easily. the less i am in touch with my feelings, the less authentic my life is. i strive to be as present in my day as i can. i guess recently that just hasn't been very much. it is far less interesting to view a colorful painting of a beautiful field of flowers on a summer afternoon or a winter visit to a babbling creek, than it is to be actually standing there, with the sounds, smells, and other senses of truly being in the middle of it. this is where i need to redirect my attention. being here now, even if it hurts sometimes. for me, this is what my recovery means. and these revelations i am awakening to are the reasons i am on the path on which i find myself.

And slowly I've come to realize
It's all as it should be
That hiding space
A lonely place
How can the right thing be so wrong?
I've found mistakes
Where they don't belong
For the love of life
We'll defeat this
They may tear us down
But we'll go down fighting
Won't we?
 
today's sound choice is david sylvian with "for the love of life". funny thing - i was thinking of using "my friends" from sweeney todd because i love the metaphor of the razors as addictive behaviors, but i stumbled upon this youtube entry and thought the song so haunting, i couldn't pass it by.
 

 
 
 
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