scissor sisters

a new scissor sisters offering from their upcoming album..  i really love this band...

You can see that you’re being surrounded every direction,

Love was just something you found to add to your collection,

It used to seem we were number one, but now it sounds so far away,

I had a dream we were running from some blazing arrows yesterday,

denver element hosts discussion on hiv

hiv and meth use? just a coincidence? certainly the numbers have come down the latter half of this decade. however, upon closer inspection, one may find that there is a significant number of hiv positive persons who engage in regular meth use. could stigma and disclosure be at the core? what are your thoughts? can something be done? something other than stigmatizing these individuals further?

day of silence april 16 2010

GUEST POST FROM THE ACLU:

Two things I’ve learned over the years that I’ve worked with LGBT students at the American Civil Liberties Union are that many school administrators and teachers don’t have the slightest clue about what their students’ legal rights are, and that a lot of the ones who do know go right ahead and violate students’ rights anyway because they think they can get away with it.
The only way to be sure that your school will respect and uphold your legal rights is for YOU to educate yourself about what your rights are and hold your school to its responsibility to protect and enforce them.
That’s never more true than during the Day of Silence, an annual event designed to bring attention to the bullying, harassment, and name-calling LGBT students often experience in school. Here are four things you need to know about your rights as you mark Day of Silence this year on Friday, April 16.

see the rest of this post at the day of silence website

     Four Things You Should Know about Student Rights and Day of Silence (2010)

totem

Fox .....

Cunning, agility, quick-witted, diplomacy, wildness, feminine magic of camouflage, shapeshifting and invisibility


the other night, while leaving a party, i drove past a very desolate corner in central denver. huddled by a curb was a fox. this is not a usual place for these beauties to be huddling, yet here he was. he didn't flinch as my car careened quickly and quietly by. he looked through the car as if he was surveying the land beyond it. i looked up the meaning of the fox as this is the 4th time i have seen one in the last year in the quiet of the night. i am believing that the fox has become a totem for me on my journey.

As a fox person, you are cunning... but, as a witch, you don't use your powers for evil. Foxes can walk into a room, sit by themselves for a few moments and get the layout of how things are. You can tell the friendly people and happy people from the ones who wouldn't want you anywhere near them. You can see how things are. This helps you to see where you would best fit in the interaction of things. You can sense what people are feeling or thinking. This can be a hard thing to know. You can't hear thoughts, but you can sense emotions. This is helpful in dealing with people in some respects, but in others it can be difficult. You will learn with experience. This is one of the talents you will need to enhance as a Fox. You can sense people, develop this habit. Be careful not to take it instantly to heart, these senses can be wrong, especially at the beginning. You are out to help people. This is another thing that you are to learn. Always be a shoulder for others to cry on.


Another thing is you rely heavily on your ears. They are like an extra set of eyes. You will find in time that you can almost "see" with your ears. Your nose is also a powerful tool. Just tonight, I was smelling a strange smell almost like honey and no one else smelled it. I kept smelling it whenever I leaned my head down towards the chair, and finally narrowed the location down to the cushions. I discovered a broken cigarette lodged in the cushion. It's kinda funny. That ended up being what I smelled. It's interesting and fun to connect with your totem animal. Just remember, don't go too far... If you start smelling things out in public, they're going to call the Charter boys out on you pretty quickly :) Just relax and have fun with your new "talents". from angelfire.com

NATIVE AMERICAN LEGENDS

Native American Totems & Their Meanings

A totem can be the symbol of a tribe, clan, family or individual. Native American tradition provides that each individual is connected with nine different animals that will accompany each person through life, acting as guides. Different animal guides come in and out of our lives depending on the direction that we are headed and the tasks that need to be completed along our journey.
Native beliefs further explain that a totem animal is one that is with you for life, both in the physical and spiritual world. Though people may identify with different animal guides throughout their lifetimes, it is this one totem animal that acts as the main guardian spirit.

spring 2010

TEN Newsletter Spring 2010

2010 census equals dollars...we all count

Che Ruddell-Tabisola is the manager for National LGBT Partnerships and coordinator of Our Families Count, a new effort by the U.S. Census Bureau to engage the LGBT community. Bob Witeck is CEO and co-founder of Witeck-Combs Communications. He is serving as media coordinator for Our Families Count and is working with Che to promote the effort nationwide.

dna identifies carl frazier's killer

i am very happy to report that the blessings of modern science and technology have brought closure to a family and his friends this week. i received a note on facebook from carl fraziers sister and have asked permission to reprint it. i am still deciding whether to include it in the next newsletter, but certainly include it here, as i have posted a few other items referencing this. you can read those earlier posts here. a friend of mine, and a then transplant to colorado was murdered in july 2008 in a parking are and left to die in the street. there were rumors about the circumstances and many more questions than there were answers.

subsequently, i befriended his sister who has been struggling with grief and loss since this all happened. she graced me enough to reach out and share some of her thoughts and feelings, and we met that year at holiday time to visit the spot where carl left us. it made my heart smile to hear the news from the police investigation. and i could tell the beginnings of a very heavy burden lifted. and i am quietly thrilled to say "please carl.... rest in peace"

here is the note from kathy about this development....

The call I’ve been praying for literally every day for the past 20 months finally came this week. The Denver Police have identified the person who murdered my brother. The story behind this tragedy is a sad reminder that there is no promise of any tomorrows. It makes me thankful that Carl seized every opportunity he had to travel and meet new people. Yet, it also reminds me that my little brother ran out of time far too soon.


The night my brother was murdered, he had the misfortune of meeting someone who he thought he could trust and didn’t realize what a mistake he had made until it was too late. He agreed to give someone a ride that ended up costing him his life. Carl had no way of knowing that this person was a convicted felon who hadn’t been out of prison very long before he and Carl crossed paths. This man had a history of increasingly more violent crimes in his life that started with burglary and aggravated assault and escalated to murder…the murder of my brother. At some point during their time together, this man revealed to Carl that his intent was to rob him. When Carl realized what was happening and tried to get away, this man panicked and shot Carl. This man knew the neighborhood and knew he could get away from where he took Carl without anyone noticing him – he knew he could run and blend in with the surroundings.
I’ve always been a firm believer in karma and never have I witnessed it played out as poetically as it did in the case of my brother. We now know that this thug met the same violent ending as he put my brother through. My brother’s murderer was killed less than two weeks later in July 2008 in a shootout that was less than a mile from where he killed Carl. This idiot was in the middle of a drug deal/robbery that quickly went bad and was killed by other thugs.


The police let us know that Carl’s murder was solved 100% because of solid lab work based on the evidence they found in Carl’s truck. Thanks to the Colorado laws, anyone who is sentenced to jail time is required to have their DNA added to the law enforcement database, which meant this thug’s DNA came up as a match when Carl’s information went into the system. While it has taken an incredibly long time to match everything, between the DNA, the gun found on the killer when he was found dead at the scene of the gun battle, and statements from his family, the police were able to conclude that he was indeed the man who murdered Carl. They’ve been diligently piecing this together for 20 months. God bless the Denver police for sticking with it. Finally, they were able to get answers to enough of the questions that were surrounding his murder and the scene of the crime that it all fit together and pointed toward one man as being responsible.


So, Carl’s murder case is finally solved and family and friends don’t have to go through the pain of a trial….karma decided what was to be considered a fair and equitable judgment for this man.


For me personally, this provides some of the answers I needed and gives me a face to the evil that took my brother from me. I don’t have to worry whether or not this man is ever going to be out on the streets again to hurt someone else. I still don’t have my brother, but at least I feel like we were able to make sure his killer wasn’t still out there living his life when Carl couldn’t.
I want to thank you for being there for Carl and for us. I seriously understand why you meant so much to Carl and I’m so grateful that you were part of his family, too. It gives me great comfort knowing that Carl had such good people in his life.


Hugs,


Kathy

today's sound choice is actually a playlist i found on the soundcloud site. it is a complilation of chill music posted by a cat named senor dick. i thought chill would best represent how i feel after all this. and i hope everyone i know will find some of this same feeling today. peace....

here is "senor dick" and his soundcloud sample:

Senordick031309 192k by Señor Dick

good bye mr. dilley... and thank you..

Donald L. Dilley, 82, died on Sunday, February 28th at the Hospice of Saint John in Lakewood following a brief illness. He leaves his son, Neal Ashmun, his wife, Michelle, and two grandsons, Frank and Spencer Ashmun, all from Nashville, TN. Don also leaves nieces and many cousins in the Greely area, as well as a colorful array of lifelong friends from all parts of the US. Born on Christmas Day in 1927 in Des Moines, IA, the son of Neal Dilley and Nellie Edith Clark Dilley, his family returned to their native Colorado in 1931. Don spent the rest of his childhood in eastern Colorado where his grandparents first homesteaded along the South Platte River in1906.

 His father, Neal Dilley, served as a State Representative from Wells County. Don attended a one room school in Kersey, which housed all twelve grades. In 1945 he enlisted in the navy. On his way to boot camp, VJ Day was declared, ending the war. During his enlistment Don served in Pearl Harbor at the Headquarters of the Commander in Chief of Pacific Operations. After his military service, he studied at George Washington University on the GI Bill, and received a degree in history. Don married Jeanette Dorsey in 1951. They settled in Kersey, Co where he worked as Deputy Sherriff and briefly owned the local drug store. They later opened a travel agency in Greeley.. In the late fifties he was a disc jockey for eight years on local KYOU introducing popular and country music.

 In 1962 he moved to Denver where he would reside for the next 48 years. He was a long term employee in the Western History Department at the Denver Public Library. A Colorado historian, Don was committed to lifelong learning. He was an avid reader, usually reading several books at once. He enjoyed biographies, history, and an occasional novel. Having experienced a spiritual wakening in his mid fifties, Don studied New Thought for the remainder of his life. He completed a four year study of Science of Mind and served as a Spiritual Practitioner at the Church of Religious Science for over twenty years. He was also a mentor and guide for scores of fellow students of the twelve steps of recovery throughout the GLBT community.

At age 76, Don attended Metro State University to study philosophy. A year later he traveled solo to Paris where he rented an apartment in the heart of the arts and museum district. At 80, he penned his autobiography, which included his many travel adventures and life experiences as well as descriptions of his family’s survival stories of The Great Depression and the Dust Bowl in eastern Colorado. A celebration of Don’s life will be held at 3:00 pm Saturday, March 20th at the Center for Spiritual Living, 1420 Ogden Street in Capitol Hill. Rev. Jim Chandler will be officiating. The service will be held in the sanctuary, adjacent to the Don Dilley Memorial Library, which Don spent years lovingly creating for his community of kindred spirits.

today's sound choice is ryuichi sakamoto with "forbidden colors."  goodness knows mr dilley certainly made his way through more than his share of those..

new birth

Woah, yeah, yeah
something sweeet as a candy bar
My girl in need
Thats what you are

Oh, I, I can understand it
Jack and Jill going up the hill
Storybooks and fairytales
I, I can understand it
And if our love gets to be anything but this
If someone gets to feel your warm and tender kiss
Oh, tell me, baby, how will I ever understand it, baby?

i attended a seminar put on the the Colorado Department of Behavioral Health yesterday on LGBT cultural congruency in mental health and substance abuse treatment. it was really an overview of a train the trainer program which delves into the cultural significancies of denying one's self publicly for years in orde to meet social pressures juxtaposed with the desire and/or process to "come out" and own the true feelings one may have about their intimate selves.

there was a breakdown of 5 stages of acceptance that these individuals would go through before coming to a place of true acceptance and ownership of their true nature and real selves. providers were prodded to consider where on this spectrum of accpetance their clients were when assessing a treatment plan as supportig moving through changes may be helpful in the treatment of their maladies. i remember visiting a therapist in 1974 and being told that my mother's reactions to the "i'm gay" news brought to mind the stages off grief no doubt there is similarity here. i imagine that grieving an old self may be appropriate for some clients.

Self-Recognition as Gay

More than just an awareness of attraction to members of the same sex, it involves confusion, some attempt at denial and repression of feelings, anxiety, trying to "pass," counseling, and often religious commitment to "overcome" sexuality. Eventually, acknowledgment and acceptance of one's sexual orientation develops. There may be some grief over "the fall from paradise" and feelings of loss of a traditional heterosexual life.
Gay and lesbian people may be fairly closeted at this point. However, most seek out information about being gay.

Disclosure to Others

Sharing one's sexual orientation with a close friend or family member is the first step in this stage. Rejection may cause a return to the Self-Recognition stage, but positive acceptance can lead to better feelings of self-esteem. Usually disclosure is a slow process. Some gays and lesbians come out in "gentle" ways, admitting they are gay if asked but not volunteering it. Others do it in "loud" ways, proclaiming their sexuality to others to end the invisibility of being gay. As this stage progresses, a self-image of what it means to be gay develops, and the individual studies stereotypes, incorporates some information about gays while rejecting other information.

Socialization with Other Gays

Socializing with other gays and lesbians provides the experience that the person is not alone in the world, and there are other people like him or her. A positive sense of self, indeed pride develops, and is strengthened by acceptance, validation, and support. Contact with positive gay or lesbian role models can play a big role in this stage.

Positive Self-Identification

This stage entails feeling good about oneself, seeking out positive relationships with other gays or lesbians, and feeling satisfied and fulfilled.

Integration and Acceptance

Entails an openness and non-defensiveness about one's sexual orientation. One may be quietly open, not announcing their sexual orientation, but available for support to others nonetheless. Couples live a comfortable life together and generally seek out other couples.Openness is often mitigated by age. Older men may be less open in their lives, and may see no need to change. Younger men may be more open, politically active, and visible in the gay community.


this makes very good sense and should be incorporated into assessment. but what i hadn't realized before yesterday, is that there is probably a similar spectrum of acceptance around being hiv positive (or any other illness or condition) and that assessing the stage of acceptance may be helpful in determining assisting people with moving forward with recovery. there is the same assessment with 12 step, but i hadn't really considered it with the hiv acceptance spectrum before.

i am looking forward to incorporating some of this into the work i do- both on the screening side and on the treatment side. there are so many clients i am working with currently that seem very stuck in their lives. it would be great to find another avenue to assist.

today's sound choice is a very personal coming out song for me. in 1973 when i was 15, i used to hang out once in awhile at a bar called pq's in chicago. i only went on saturday nights usually, and the dancefloor used to be packed... i mean sardine-packed. and this song used to get the walls rockin'. the original is  by bobby womack and it's the bomb, but i am posting a cover that came out that same year by new birth. here is "i can understand it"

making a glow of it

i am co-facilitating a group which is based on journaling. it is also geared towards recognizing the inner critic and moving past that voice to pursue deeper objectives. this last session, which is about midway in the program, was extremely joyous. i likened it to sitting around a campfire with travellers trading tales of adventures in the wood as well as past experiences and the lessons learned.

there was a glow (presumably the fictional fire) in the center and it gave off warmth and a sense of safety in the otherwise metaphorical dark. i was happy to discuss the idea of spiritual warrior to those assembled around the glow. it is my experience that i found myself sitting among a group of warriors today. i am at once humbled and proud. there is really not much that can compare to a group of faces that are underlit by the glow of a cozy campfire.

Characteristics of a Spiritual Warrior



Happiness is every person’s choice, but few really make an effort for it.


The Spiritual Warrior is a person who challenges the dreams of fear, lies, false beliefs, and judgments that create suffering and unhappiness in his or her life. It is a war that takes place in the heart and mind of a man or woman. The quest of the Spiritual Warrior is the same as spiritual seekers around the world. The Spiritual Warrior faces this challenge with the clarity and awareness that this war is fought within himself and that Truth and unconditional love are on the other side of these battles. This is what the Toltecs refer to as Personal Freedom. You can find this referenced in the book The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz.

you can read more about the spiritual warrior here

today's sound choice is a very former very favorite of mine. there is an old custom on some danceclubs of building a metaphoric fire in the center of the floor and to keep feeding the fire with energy and imagined wood to keep the energy flowing throughout the club. as you feed the invisible flames with love and passion, that same energy is transmitted outward and emanates to the nooks and crannys of the room. this is one of those "building" songs for me. here is danny tenaglia with "elements"





Share

mask

 Bury all your secrets in my skin

Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins

The air around me still feels like a cage

And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again

early up today. couldn't sleep actually. i got a call and an email about something that was in the last SIN newsletter. an image was used for its intended purpose and there is some discontent with that image. i have been wrestling with my decision to use it, with the asking of permission, and with the actual complaint. i know that i definitely asked and received permission to use this image. i know that my reason to use it was decent. but i had no idea that it would cause such a ruckus. it doesn't seem real that it would be viewed as an invasion of privacy. it was a public photo and a release was signed for marketing. it is not used at all out of context.

there is a part of me that wonders what the meaning behind this drama is. how is it possible that the 600 copies of the publication that have been distributed only in hiv clinics and community based organizations have made it into the hands of someone so disconnected from the world of hiv and a city of 3 million? and if the messenger of this information was of the "evil axis" kind, how is this publication at fault? what about the intention of the delivery of this message?

and yet there are hurt feelings involved. this is the hardest pill to swallow. no matter what my belief about the charge that has been hurled, at the end of the day it is my responsibility to address it. this kind of result is not okay by me. i don't want to  be the cause of hurt in anyone- at least intentionally. but i cannot foresee all things either. if a photograph is taken, a release is given and signed, it would be safe to assume that when marketing for that product is done, that release would be understood. i guess i will have to be more careful in future. i am learning it is not best to assume anything when it comes to people. and i hope this individual can find the space to heal. from whatever any and all the ailments are.

today's sound choice is definitely a bit quirky. i do love this song and i love the band's image. my local radio station has been playing it for awhile and i always turn it up. here is slipknot with "snuff" it was recorded of jimmy kimmel so you may want to turn it up.... this song takes me back to my high school rock and roll days...




Share

stonewall at the sevens

Drop In, Be Heard, Get Real, Be Seen, Find Out... Good Health.... Great Life... or some of those...

The Stonewall Sevens.. A fresh approach to healthy living...



Drop In, Find Out, Be Heard, Be Seen, Good Health, Great Life...

and this is how my crazy brain works. as i put together in my head how this recovery support group might take shape, it is necessary to give it an identity both by name and intention. of course, once it starts to happen, this all may change, but i think it's right to get it started.



it will not be a treatment group at all. it is recovery support- for people who don't want treatment, who don't need treatment, are undecided and have questions, or who have stopped using something and need/want  some support around that. at least this is the design. there is no such non-secular service like this (other than 12 step or life ring) in our metro area. it's also a way to develop relationship with people who are simply questioning wherever they are at. and i won't have the answers, but will hopefully help support them while they look for those answers themselves.

i am thinking about these images as part of the flyer. i love the rainbow droplet.it's subtle, but makes good sense for a drop in group. i love the 70's image of the first gay pride march in 1970. and i love the triple 7's from a slot machine. it turns out that the address where the group will be is 777 Bannock. The building traditionally has a different name, and i hope i can get away with giving it a new reference. but "the 7's" really makes me smile. and in some weird way, it indicates good luck. and i am definitely hoping that there is some truth to that. either way, i like the reference.

the other images are self explanatory i think. contemplation and reflection are the inferences. and the two images at the end are flyers in the shape and size of event tickets- the front and back image. i think that using tickets to give to referrals will leave a good impression. there will need to be a flyer for counselor's offices though, too.

in case you haven't noticed, i am posting this on sunday. these days are designed to be chill days for me. but i guess this is indicative of how i chill. i process almost all the time, and writing this out and looking it over is pretty damn helpful to me. who knows, maybe next week, i'll decide on a completely different direction.

i have started to listen to the 2nd cd from the "back to mine" collection. this is the compilation of krafty kuts



today's sound choice is massive attack's 1988 recording of "any love". btw, they are sampling one of my favorite old school rap records in this one... "funk you up" by the sequence group... from 1979(which starred the beatiful and talented angie stone)

tapas

Takes more than combat gear to make a man
Takes more than a license for a gun
Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can
A gentleman will walk but never run

well i found someone to finish the newsletter. i am relieved. i just don't have the time to work on it myself. i am happy to rustle up contributors and stories, ask for submissions and get pics, but i don't have the skill to put it together. the many who has been doing it for us since its inception is out of the country for a while and the publication needs to be out before his return.

he did a bang up job to get it ready. it just needs a few tweaks and it will be right. there are a few last minute additions, too. and i am glad to have the chance to add them and glad it is coming to a close.

i got floored today on a few counts. suffice it to say that i am still very surprised at some of the twists that life takes and humbled at my vulnerability at the prospect of living with some of the possibilities that accompany said turns. more on this for sure.

i discovered myself wading in some unexpected disappointment and i realize i need to retract and regroup. i am honestly surprised at the level of let down i felt briefly today. curious to see where this all leads, i move forward thoughtfully.

the meeting with the national drug policy person was brought in a sense of the change our government finds itself in. on many levels and in many arenas, i believe the intention with which policies and programs are looked at have shifted from agenda oriented to collaborative. no wonder it so easily appears that nothing is happening in washington. there are so many new possibilities to consider.

i have begun to read "swish" by joel derfner. it is pretty upbeat and definitely niche. he writes with a bit of david sedaris funkiness. i am enjoying it thus far.

we are supposed to get our very 1st snow of the season today. i'm not ready, but mother nature-she don't care if i am or not. and i'm gotta be okay with that.

today's sound choice is a song i had almost forgotten about. the only reason i thought of it is there was a trailer for the new logo film "englishman in new york" about quentin crisp. i have always loved mr. crisp- even waited on him once in chicago years ago. anyway the song is sting with "englishman in new york".... and i tap my toes and bob my head as i sing alon.

ooh oh oh oh

If it makes you feel like a million dollar bill
Say oh oh oh, say oh oh oh !
If you go left right up down
Make you spinning round and round
Say ooh oh oh oh, say ooh oh oh oh !

in this voyage with recovery, i have found that things i have never even conceived of have become possible. i didn't ever think i would be comfortable in my own skin, but it has begun to happen. i never thought i would be working in a hospital, and yet that i find myself in that environment. and i never thought i might have an impact on much of anything other than a dance party or two. but i find i might have underestimated yet again.

there are some changes afoot around me with regard to some policies and procedures that may impact the lives of people on a real time basis. i have neither designed nor implemented these changes, but i did have a hand in bringing the need for them to light. i won't go into details here as they are still in process, but i am humbled by the privilege to be a part of this. treatment should become much easier to access and also remain connected to medical care. these elements may be more closely linked than i ever realized.

if this is my only contribution to this particular venue, then i shall remain a happy man. never in my wildest dreams did i conceive of myself as travelling this road. yet here i find myself, on a path that is filled with wonder, amazement, and even fulfillment. i'm sure this is a location i have not visited before. it's beautiful here and definitely a thrill.

thank you universe, for reminding me once again that there are good things yet to happen.

today's sound choice is certainly obtuse. i have been listening to many, many versions of this song since i first heard it. it is easy, poppy, upbeat, and makes me smile almost every time. this is the freemason's remix of whitney houston with "million dollar bill"

stay gone

I've found piece of mind
I'm feeling good again
I'm on the other side
Back among the living
Ain't a cloud in the sky
All my tears have been cried
And I can finally say

this has been a telling month for me. things have seemed to go so smoothly until this september. a co-worker at my full time job has left to pursue other interests. no surprise, as she has been working in hiv for over 10 years and it can easily lead to burnout. so many needy clients and so many issues. but there is a hole left in the stream of treatment that will be filled again, but currently is felt by the rest of the team.

as i have continued to work on my issues around living with bipolar issues, i have found that perspective has become a good friend. i am learning that paranoia and inspiration have always been a part of my personality and that they seem larger than life at times. so large that i can feel as if i am unable to buckle them in, but they do recede. and maybe i can learn from them. this is huge as i have always had these, but what has changed is how i react to them.

have started work on a committee to ease the restrictions on intakes at a clinic within my workplace. this is an exciting endeavor for me. it will be very interesting to see how it all proceeds. i know that the communication between a few clinics seems to have broken down some time ago, and to re-engage can only benefit the patients at the end of any process. so i am thrilled to be part of it. more later no doubt.

the newsletter seems to have been taking way too long. my friend who does the layout has had his plate very full and has not found time to push it through. i struggle with my instinct to over-react. i did finally leave a message with him that i would be happy to shop it around for another layout person. i felt great that i understood he was busy and wanted to support that. but it's been almost 5 weeks. i can't even remember what i sent over to include. the next issue i am hoping will change direction slightly anyway. my intention is to develop a more holistic perspective for all persons living with hiv in the whole of colorado.

i have travelled more this month than i remember in the recent past. grand lake for a weekend and buena vista for a weekend. and i have a lunch and shopping day (end of season) in estes park coming up. this signals a definite shift in my psyche. it reflects that i am feeling at home in my life and ready to branch out. this reading feels true to me. i am more content than i can ever remember and feel safe and supported. and hopefully i am offering this to the people i encounter.

if you are new to recovery and reading this, i would encourage you to stay on the path. these gifts of personal insight only came my way with time away from self medication. that has been the biggest gift in my this process. and it is well worth it.

i am offering today's sound choice to my addiction and my self loathing. it is jimmy wayne with "stay gone"

sober pride

i had asked several friends to write something about sober pride. what it is, what it could mean, what is a fantasy. it seems an oxymoron as i got sober in a 12 step environment and that is all about humility and anonymity. so how does pride fit in? and i know this cannot be a singular experience.

i am approaching my 5th year of being completely clean. i won't call myself sober because i cannot presume to view myself the way others see me. and what others think and do is none of my business anyway. but i am comfortable with the term "clean" and will use it.

traditionally, gay pride has been a proverbial visit to sodom in my world. yearly i was presented with a reason to embrace debauchery and over the top behavior. i have ridden on floats, i have gotten loaded, i have watched parades in sydney, san francisco, chicago, new york, la, and colorado springs. on many occasions i have snarfed tricks, ditched unwanted company, bought and sold illicity, and broken hearts and laws and self imposed morals and restrictions year after year after year. all this under the guise of celebrating loosening the chains of self-judgement and bigotry. it was exotic and erotic, freeing and empowering, but with each year it oozed "expected and neurotic" and it soon began to symbolize the antithesis of pride to me.

it's funny, because the more "center" the parades became, the less engaged i became. it's almost as if i didn't recognize these festivals any longer. i am also sure that the "norm" for a parade in denver is very distant from a pride celebration in a larger more metropolitan city. that has contributed a bit to the lack of enchantment that these had become.

however since i got clean, i have tried to revisit my attitude about pride. the traditional method of celebrating self acceptance no longer fits the bill. i have needed to shape a set of rituals that embody the new "clean" me. the first coupla years i wandered through the festival feeling a bit handicapped and outta place. staying only a short while at the brou haha, i found myself drifting back to my nest and hunkering down. the next two years i still have had a need (and a desire) to participate. so i decided if i worked at a vendors booth, i would be a "in it" without feeling separate.

this year brings another shift. i am not volunteering, i have options, but am not sure of how much i will be there - physically. but i know that i will be in synch on a spiritual level. i still find the process of remembering the little big brawls that sparked that roman candle of acceptance that was lit those 40 years ago. the oppression of hatred and fear that embodied homosexuality still takes its toll. gay men (perhaps a generalization here) still struggle with how to love each other. i know that is true for me as well as some of the men i know and work with.

but with each year i find a new level of relevance again with the whole enchilada. we need to work at being ourselves, accepting ourselves, and loving ourselves- and each other..

today's sound choice is one of my favorite remixes... just like pridefest...
nightmares on wax remixing shirley bassey's "easy thing to do"

Easy Thing To Do (Nightmare On Wax) - Shirley Bassey And Nightmare On Wax