me n tv

this film is courtesy of denver open media and was filmed a couple of weeks ago.

spring 2010

TEN Newsletter Spring 2010

Beatty Recognized for Advocacy Work

SIN- Strength In Numbers Colorado is ecstatic about this year's selection to receive the Carl Frazier Memoriam for community advocacy. The local recognition began in 2009 as a response to the untimely loss of one if its members in July 2008. To commemorate Carl, as well as promote a stronger sense of community among Colorado's HIV positive citizens, the CFM was created and the 2009 recipient was Arthur Powers. This will hopefully continue to grow as a mechanism for the poz community here to say Thank You to our own. Michael is a shining example of consistent community input. Below is Beatty's bio and a snapshot of his amazing scope of work (actually put together by Drew Wilson of Mile High Gay Guy). The award will be presented at the annual Gill Foundation Community Forum to be held at Hamburger Mary's on March 30th. RSVP required. The following article is reprinted from http://www.ontheten.com/ and the TEN newsletter.

Congratulations Michael... And Thank You for all your beautiful work.

Michael Beatty is a Denver-based marketing and promotions professional with extensive experience in event planning and fundraising and a long history of professional and personal association with Colorado’s HIV and gay communities.

Having worked in the HIV community since the early 1990s, Beatty is honored and humbled to be the recipient of the 2010 Carl Frazier Award. The Carl Frazier Memorial Award is named for Strength In Numbers contributor Carl Frazier, who was murdered in 2008, and is awarded annually by Strength in Numbers Colorado to recognize excellence in HIV community advocacy.


“It’s such an honor to be recognized for doing the work I love to do,” said Beatty. “This work feeds my soul and gives me reason to get up in the morning. It’s all about contributing to my community and making a difference in peoples’ lives.”


Beatty, who has lived with HIV since 1985, was approached in 1993 by Charles Robbins, founder of Colorado’s Project Angel Heart, to become a member of the rapidly growing organization’s team. Founded in 1991 to provide nutritious meals to members of the Denver community living with HIV/AIDS and other life-threatening illnesses, Project Angel Heart now serves over 800 clients every week.


Beatty credits Robbins with seeing in him a potential for community service that Beatty himself did not. As program director of Project Angel Heart’s Center for Living, Michael Beatty began the first steps of his professional and personal journey through the world of HIV advocacy.


Soon after, Beatty began a 15-year association with the Colorado chapter of AIDS, Medicine, & Miracles as Director of Constituency Relations and retreat producer. AM&M coordinates holistic retreats and one-day programs around the country for people living with and affected by HIV/AIDS.


Beatty’s work in the HIV/AIDS and gay communities throughout the years has also included serving as Event Director for the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgender Center of Colorado and employment with Gay Men’s Health Crisis, Boulder County AIDS Project, Denver PrideFest, POZ magazine, Out Front Colorado newspaper, and collaborated in the production of three Denver HIV Health Fairs, the HIV Retreats, and the Community Education Forums.


“Everything I’ve done professionally has given me an opportunity to be of service to the HIV community,” said Beatty. “As a person living with HIV and as a person on a journey of recovery from cocaine since 1990 I feel that I’m alive for a reason and that reason is that there’s work for me to do.”


It was attending a Strength In Numbers breakfast gathering that Michael Beatty met Carl Frazier. He is now proud to be the recipient of Frazier's namesake award and thrilled that the good work of the Community Educat10nal Forums and the HIV Retreats at Shadowcliff has evolved under the leadership of Michael Dorsch and Rod Rushing through TEN (Treatment Educat10n Network). If I were to recognize two people in our community who made significant differences in our lives, it would be Michael and Rod, you guys ROCK!
For nearly 20 years, Michael Beatty’s professional and personal philosophy has been one of contribution and service to the community, and to this day, Beatty dedicates his work to those who have lost their battle against HIV, as well as to those who continue to fight and thrive.


“The bottom line is that it’s all about creating a life I love living by helping others create a life they can love living,” said Beatty. “I want to empower my gay brothers with the information that they are wonderful and complete and whole and deserving of the abundance that life has to offer.”

holiday cheer

On The Ten- Don't Let HIV Boggle Your Mind

i have a wonderfully busy weekend planned. client holiday party today and then 2 parties over the weekend. we have finished the newest edition of the newsletter and it has involved some real changes. curious to see how  it is received. i learn more about this process with each publication. It's name (TEN-Treatment Education Network) comes from a not-for-profit that was started to further education and social networking for hiv+ persons in colorado.

i began a page devoted to recovery support issues in this edition. i am disappointed that all the ASO's (AIDS Service Organizations) and CBO's (Community Based Organizations) did not respond with some information, but I am thrilled with those who did. As a community, a city, and a state, it is my hope that we will see living well and living successfully with hiv a rule rather than an exception and continue growing into that mindset.

i have hinted before about hopes of creating/resurrecting a statewide coalition of support, treatment updates and education, not just for providers, but for those infected and affected citizens as well. this is the first step in making that wish come to fruition.

holiday cheer to you from TEN!!!



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a girl in trouble is a temporary thing

There’s a time when every girl learns, to use her head



Tears will be saved till they’re better spent


There’s no time for her to be afraid


So instead, she takes care of business


Keeps a cool head



A girl in trouble is a temporary thing

it's been a week. quite a few seemingly unconnected, but maybe that needs a closer look. i was back at work after needed time away. i am working at adjusting to the travelling i am doing. it's not the distance, it's just the different clinics. much of the duties are the same, but i am on the go 5 days a week. only 1 day do i work in 1 place for 8 hours. i find it tough to remember whether i have papers with me or if i left them on my desk.

that' being said, i am not really complaining. i like the variiety. i like it very much. it does however have its challenges. friday i was reminded that my position is grant funded and with the state of the economy and colorado and federal budgets, there are no guarantees that the final year of the grant will be renewed. i may be looking for work again in april. i suppose this has caused me a bit of stress this weekend. and i know i blubber a lot about trusting the process, which is what i am doing. part of that trust is allowing myself to write a little through this. to think about starting a new gig gives me a bit of the willies. i feel i am just getting started with some of the work i am peripherally doing. maybe i see it as more important than the system does. wouldn't be the 1st time

the not-for-profit had a board meeting yesterday and i became confused. one of the members who is the treasurer announced that they wanted the title of executive director. since we have very little funding currently i didn't see a problem. but thinking about it for a moment, i just asked if there might be a perceived impropriety at all- the treasurer also being the executive director. iow, someone making the daily decisions also having free access to any funds. besides, at the formation of this group, that person indicated that they were tired, and all they wanted was to have a way to get funding for their programs. and then in the same sentence, they announced that if things didn't change in 2010, that it may be their last year to run those programs. one wonders how to decipher these verbal cave markings.

strength in numbers, has shifted quite a bit this month. the founder has pulled away from group on a national level. he has let the website go, but i have inherited the yahoo group. i have been organizing monthly brunch and some holiday parties for two years, but it doesn't seem to really be igniting under my leadership. i have no idea as to how to proceed. i am shifting the newsletter's focus from sin to  ten (treatment education network), because it would seem very few people connected with sin are engaged with it. i am sure they read it, but i don't get the feeling that they are interested in participating. and it could be that they are not interested in participating with me- or someone in recovery who is not partying. either way, it makes no sense to continue a publication representing an illusion. i have set my  sites on developing a statwide poz informational and educational newsletter for colorado. there may even come a time that regional would be a good fit... i.e. new mexico, wyoming, etc..

wow, there seems to be a lotta crap in my head. truthfully though, i am pretty optimistic about it all underneath. each day i work on not "becoming" the things i am working on. or maybe i am realizing that the work i am doing will continue with or without apecific entities or organiztions. i can love working with them, but must also understand that nothing really lasts forever. no doubt there are many questions in all this for me to look at.. am i difficult to get along with? do i not collaborate well? am i the problem?

and i do try to look at these questions. i know that the work i am doing was stalled before i came along. so the fact that it hasn't moved much or is stalled again is not completely about me. and i could find ways to judge and criticize myself in all this, but i can't live like that anymore. it's way too draining and too toxic. whatever emotion and knee jerk response i have to these situations needs to be taken with a grain of salt and with a thoughtful eye.

happy sunday. i am headed to brunch with strength in numbers and then maybe the new robert de niro film this afternoon. it is snowing and i must shovel the walks this morning before i go. oh, and a pipe may have frozen during the big freeze a couple of nights ago. it's working again, but we are going to insulate the all the piples and look for any damage. i guess it's a full day..

of course you know i chose today's post title so i could use the romeovoid song of the same name as today's sound choice. sometimes i'm so entrenched in the 80's it may seem tragic. but that was my camelot. anyway, here is an extended version of "a girl in trouble is a temporary thing". i've listened to it a few times this morning and fallen in love all over again... happy sunday







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morning pages

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel

it's snowing this morning in denver and i woke up early to an extremely quiet and white landscape. it all seems so peaceful and safe here inside my little bohemian love pad. but it can't stay that way. i have to trudge forward, shovel the walks, stop by the clinic, go to the hospital, drop by the pharmacy, see clients, do paperwork, do follow up, drive up north, teach 2 classes, and make it home in 13 hours to do much of it again tomorrow.

i have been operating under this schedule 3 x week for the last nine months and i must say i am starting to feel it. at first it seemed simple because my full time gig was not as full. i didn't have a full caseload, and i wasn't doing groups there. but now, with increased responsibility, i am finding that downtime is becoming more inportant. i'll get there no doubt. just not sure when.

i had this idea about helping get a long time sobriety recognition dinner going under the banners of the local advocates for recovery organization. last year, when i was on the bod, we did a training with ccar and learned that hosting annual dinners is one way they grow capacity and celebrate recovery in their state. of course there are individual potlucks and get-togethers here withing 12 step fellowships, however, there is nothing that encompasses a little of all of them and highlights long term recovery so the idea was to have it on mother's day- an idea i have heard before for the lgbt recovery community, and i think it's a good one. and the lgbt organization didn't use. i think that after one or two years, it would become a highlight in some family's celebrations. after all, whose mother isn't relieved when their child stops using to the insane pace addicts and alcholics use? 

so i pitched the idea to the afr and sbr chairs, and have offered to host a holiday party for the board members to further pitch the idea.. 5 months is a good amount of time to plan this kind of event.

i am starting to work "the artist's way" again this morning. for the next 12 weeks i am to fill 3 pages with my garbled and repetetive thoughts every morning before i get my day started. whatever blocks i have in my creative flow most likely are residing in my head. i have been inundated with insecurity and paranoia, and am hoping this will address this recent trend. or at least help get me closer to the root of it. i am facilitating a group during the week that is also engaged in this process and i wanted to participate in this with them to reflect and share their experience.  i am excited about the group.

i think i'll catch a few more zzzz's before i write this morning. it's only 3:30 and i like to look at my eyelids once in awhile. i have a long day ahead and can use the extra sleep. but before i do, i think i'll post today's sound choice. i heard it while watching "pedro" last night on logo- the film about pedro zamora ( of real world san francisco fame) i hadn't seen the film, and am glad i fnally caught it. there were so many things i remembered and so many things of which i hadn't been aware. the "take-away" for me was a reminder of how crushing the hiv diagnosis was (and is) and how the fear that it instilled created so much anger which created so much change in our culture. i ended my rememberance of  World AIDS Day 2009 in awe of the power of "nothing to lose". and the benefit of not giving up...

ps... that's me in the lower right hand corner of the pic on top. It was 1986-  the first year I was positive and it's at a party I had for myself  at my beloved apartment on logan blvd when I was leaving Chicago. I believe I am the only male in the photo still alive.

here is the cure with "pictures of you"




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something's gotta give

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.
- Nelson Mandela

i had the pleasure of being shadowed at my job last week. it is not my favorite experience. a stranger following you, listening to your dialogues, and offering feedback and criticism to you as part of their job. we are grant-funded however, and the manager of the grant has their responsibilities, just as i have mine. and you never know what you have to learn.

it turned out to be a very pleasant experience. our clinic was cancelled that day as the attending was persuaded to have labor induced and gave birth to twins. so the person responsible for shadowing and i had lunch and talked about the program, and then she sat in on 3 individual sessions i had scheduled for that afternoon.

there is a movement underfoot in our state to examine and reshape the idea of substance abuse treatment and referral in the medical setting. i actually believe it's probably long overdue. the indulgences and over-indulgences of tobacco, drugs, and alcohol do have health implications and they tend to be serious. they also tend to be costly.

tomorrow i will be attending a conference put on by the grant program which is really a brainstorming session. they are expecting 150 persons and have some relevant speakers. i have been asked to join some others and moderate discussions at my table and to report to the larger group. i am fortunate enough to be bringing the HIV perspective to the conversation. and i shouldn't have to tell you how intrinsically linked HIV and substance use/abuse are.

our state traditionally has been ranked 48th in spending for substance treatment. this is not a fact that i am boasting about. it is merely a reading of the importance this issue has in Colorado. so in the sbirt screening process, referral to appropriate treatment modalities is paramount. but i fear they are limited, hard to find, and challenging to discern the appropriate fit. my hope is that tomorrow's dialogue will signal some change in this attitude and create some momentum that collaboration and systemic change needs to happen.

i mean, if we don't believe someone getting clean and sober is important, or that moderation is actually a virtue and saves lives, how likely is any individual to believe it either?

today's sound choice is the highly underated royal crown revue with "something's gotta give" - yes that's a rat pack remake... i certainly had my days of being a rockabilly/swing afficianado... i even learned how to do the lindy hop..

beyond my peripheral vision

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. ~Josh Billings

i am taking a counseling class for the next coupla days. i don't know why i get surprised how my heart opens when i relax, but i repeatedly do. maybe that's a blessing somehow. maybe i forget that i still can have naivete.

in participating in this class, of course, we practice counseling skills. and the clients are always portrayed by ourselves. so, when we are honest, some work actually gets done a little on our own stuff, from a very fresh perspective. and that's what i feel here.

i also am reminded that although i have my share of challenges, barriers, and pain to work through, so does everyone else. maybe they don't show theirs as readily as i do, but it's there. and i certainly am not willing to trade my baggage for anyone else's. i know most of mine inside out, but yours is a mystery to me.

my friend michael and i have been working, disagreeing, debating, and compromising to create a place for some of the programs we have going here in denver. we have applied for not-for-profit status, and are hopeful. we have helped organize and nourish a couple of other hiv positive projects to get them off the ground, thinking that they might also be a good fit for what we are doing. now however it seems that there is rumbling that we are too structured and too far from the "community".

i couldn't objectively say whether they are right or wrong. from my perspective, we are part of "the community". but what others see is beyond my peripheral vision. our website is up now - on the ten i have started a new blog which is news and tidbits mostly, but there are some wonderful contributors.



today's sound choice is ani difranco with "32 flavors"

it's on

Vance Havner
The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.

today is the first registration day for the one on one peer mentoring training in denver. we have participants coming from the 4 corners of colorado and trainers coming from nyc. i look forward to a very enlightening experience.

i will be setting up later today at colorado aids project (who is generously donating their space) and then setting up the registration at the zuni residence inn. and finally, i will pick up two cakes that were ordered for the kick-off party tomorrow evening. btw, the small group from denver gay men's chorus has graciously consented to sing a few songs to bring us good fortune.

inside, i am a little giddy. it's been quite a bit of work on the entire rebuilt+ committee's part, and it's almost dreamlike to see it here. it's my feeling that our local poz community needs a shot in the arm. let's hope this can jump start a new era.

today's sound choice is paul oakenfeld with "ready, steady, go"

holding on to my hat

Reasons for the Seasons

These brief but monumental moments owe their significance to the 23.4 degree tilt of the Earth's axis. Because of the tilt, we receive the Sun's rays most directly in the summer. In the winter, when we are tilted away from the Sun, the rays pass through the atmosphere at a greater slant, bringing lower temperatures. If the Earth rotated on an axis perpendicular to the plane of the Earth's orbit around the Sun, there would be no variation in day lengths or temperatures throughout the year, and we would not have seasons.

much of what has been worked on these last few months comes to fruition this coming week. this seems to be true in several cases. the peer mentoring training happens next saturday. there is a party for all the participants that evening, and a farewell dinner the following tuesday evening. the next step for this adventure waits in the wings with no definitive answer.

simultaneously, the contract i have held for the last six months to support peer led efforts to create linkage to care and psychosocial support networking comes to an end on the last day of march. it has been quite a learning experience and a hella ride. it offered the financing to bring mr van essen and his benefits wisdom to denver. it has paid a huge portion of the fees for the hiv retreats in grand lake colorado this summer. and the educational forums have purchased a power point projector, a laptop, and several other items to help ensure it continuity.

it also has allowed me to establish a furthering of the infected persons involved in the delivery of hiv care in our system. (this i find the most delightful). i have had the feeling that collectively we have been accepting much that is spoon fed by others with regard to care, and i think this new option offers perhaps a healthier alternative.

and the employment i have been romancing will come to a head during this same time period. i dance around excitement, but feel confident i can accept the outcome. at least eventually.

i cannot at all claim knowledge of why all these items seem to converge during the same week. perhaps its biorhythm. perhaps it's coincidence. or could it be the approaching vernal equinox? perhaps they are not at all connected. but my imagination would have me believe that something greater than me is at work in all this. and all i can really do is hang on to my hat. oh, and i'm making sure there is plenty of room for wonderful things to happen.

today's sound choice is the theme song from the 1960's tv show "the flying nun" starring sally field.

The Flying Nun
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