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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

morning pages


I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel

it's snowing this morning in denver and i woke up early to an extremely quiet and white landscape. it all seems so peaceful and safe here inside my little bohemian love pad. but it can't stay that way. i have to trudge forward, shovel the walks, stop by the clinic, go to the hospital, drop by the pharmacy, see clients, do paperwork, do follow up, drive up north, teach 2 classes, and make it home in 13 hours to do much of it again tomorrow.

i have been operating under this schedule 3 x week for the last nine months and i must say i am starting to feel it. at first it seemed simple because my full time gig was not as full. i didn't have a full caseload, and i wasn't doing groups there. but now, with increased responsibility, i am finding that downtime is becoming more inportant. i'll get there no doubt. just not sure when.

i had this idea about helping get a long time sobriety recognition dinner going under the banners of the local advocates for recovery organization. last year, when i was on the bod, we did a training with ccar and learned that hosting annual dinners is one way they grow capacity and celebrate recovery in their state. of course there are individual potlucks and get-togethers here withing 12 step fellowships, however, there is nothing that encompasses a little of all of them and highlights long term recovery so the idea was to have it on mother's day- an idea i have heard before for the lgbt recovery community, and i think it's a good one. and the lgbt organization didn't use. i think that after one or two years, it would become a highlight in some family's celebrations. after all, whose mother isn't relieved when their child stops using to the insane pace addicts and alcholics use? 

so i pitched the idea to the afr and sbr chairs, and have offered to host a holiday party for the board members to further pitch the idea.. 5 months is a good amount of time to plan this kind of event.

i am starting to work "the artist's way" again this morning. for the next 12 weeks i am to fill 3 pages with my garbled and repetetive thoughts every morning before i get my day started. whatever blocks i have in my creative flow most likely are residing in my head. i have been inundated with insecurity and paranoia, and am hoping this will address this recent trend. or at least help get me closer to the root of it. i am facilitating a group during the week that is also engaged in this process and i wanted to participate in this with them to reflect and share their experience.  i am excited about the group.

i think i'll catch a few more zzzz's before i write this morning. it's only 3:30 and i like to look at my eyelids once in awhile. i have a long day ahead and can use the extra sleep. but before i do, i think i'll post today's sound choice. i heard it while watching "pedro" last night on logo- the film about pedro zamora ( of real world san francisco fame) i hadn't seen the film, and am glad i fnally caught it. there were so many things i remembered and so many things of which i hadn't been aware. the "take-away" for me was a reminder of how crushing the hiv diagnosis was (and is) and how the fear that it instilled created so much anger which created so much change in our culture. i ended my rememberance of  World AIDS Day 2009 in awe of the power of "nothing to lose". and the benefit of not giving up...

ps... that's me in the lower right hand corner of the pic on top. It was 1986-  the first year I was positive and it's at a party I had for myself  at my beloved apartment on logan blvd when I was leaving Chicago. I believe I am the only male in the photo still alive.

here is the cure with "pictures of you"




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2 comments:

Jeremiah Andrews said...

Then somebody up there likes you and you have guardian angels watching over you too ...

Jeremy

I can say the same thing, I am the last one left out of my friends circle too.

Sheria said...

When I first looked at the picture, I was pleased to be able to pick you out. Then I read what you wrote about the picture and I felt relief that you were still in the world and sadness for all those whom you have lost over the years.

remember to take time just to be; it's necessary for maintaining one's sanity.

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