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Sunday, November 29, 2009

final approach to 2010

~ To accomplish our destiny it is not enough to merely guard prudently against road accidents. We must also cover before nightfall the distance assigned to each of us. Alexis Carrell...
wow! i had such a hard time sleeping. i had a few cups of some new tea that i bought when i was in chicago. it's called earl of oolong and it is fragrant and flavorful... and apparently full of caffeine as well. i hate not being able to sleep. it is quite unsettling.

when i cannot sleep it's almost as if the woodwork squeaks and out come the freaks. i find the little parts of myself that i don't really care for emerge (sometimes in full uniform) to remind me that i have a lotta work left to do. this month will be a lotta work.. i am starting a 2nd group, and i have parties booked each weekend and xmas eve and nye as well. ( i have a new leather sofa to pay for.) luckily, the catering will be working with several different chefs with a couple of repeats. and i'm working the actual holidays with a family i have worked for several times before. if i can pay off 1/2 the sofa i will be thrilled. after all, i have a sleeper to get for the spare bedroom.:)

i find myself a little saddened by the passing of another decade. this has been one of the most volatile in my life. i started using meth in 2001 and stopped in 2005. those 4 years forced a complete reno from the ground up and is still in progress in many ways. i don't know that i will ever forget the juxtaposition of "the best of times and the worst of times" that the 21st century heralded into my life. the meth phenomenon is much more far reaching than my little existence, though. it has touched our nation heavily and has been very heavy handed in the gay men's world. i wonder if anyone has done a study on the age of most gay men (as well as hiv positive gay men) to see what the numbers of each using meth and over-using meth are, and what those trends might say. i personally think that my midlife crisis had much to do with my finding myself lost and letting go of what i had. in so many ways, i didn't recognize myself and so nothing had value. and i kept trying to fill the empty spaces i saw and felt with any pleasure i could muster.

just a thought. i'm hoping to see "blind side" today, make some turkey chili, and maybe kick it one more time till the end of the year... love you madly..

today's sound choice comes from a different "back to mine" cd- this one offered up by mj cole. this is "destiny" by zero 7. the vid is filled with animation that makes me smile..




Java said...

I saw The Blind Side yesterday. I liked it a lot. It wasn't as sappy and tear-jerking as I was afraid it would be.

FrankandMary said...

We must also cover before nightfall the distance assigned to each of us. Alexis Carrell...

I don't think I ever do that.

Thank you for this post. ~Mary

Sheria said...

In a few lines you define the emotional emptiness that makes us fertile for addiction of one sort or another. I think that it is human nature to want to fill the emmpty spaces with something that dulls our personal pain and gives us the illusion of pleasure. Thank you for sharing your insights, you've given me clearer vision into my own addictions.

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