lucky

image credit.... daniel sannwald

yesterday i stood before a guy who has been twisting and turning in the harsh winds of his enduring  romance with crystal. he was crying from his guts as he seared with frustration that his grandmother's memorial services might go on without  him because he has been coming up short on fulfilling his probation.  he fucking really needed to cry.

some thoughts he shared out loud included " i keep finding myself in this position, rod." "when my mother died i was in jail and i couldn't be there"."when my father passed, i was in jail and wasn't there for my family." "and now again i am here and i am offering no support for them. i was supposed to be a pall bearer."
'
there is no doubt in my mind that he is still struggling with thoughts to use. he claims abstinence since february and i definitely believe that, but i also believe that in the 4 years i have known him, he has shown an elegance in his perception of what he should say in situations. but here, today, i think the tears and the shadows they unleash are truth.

i softly ask if he is able to find an opportunity in all this. he scoffs at the idea, but does acknowledge that he won't use. inside, i am sure he is lucky to encounter this truth. as i hug him and say so long for the day, i quietly and humbly reflect on the thought that this dance with tina has gotten no better, no less evil, no less degrading. and i am grateful i can sit this one out.

National Meth Hallucination League

I saw this on Lady Bunny's blog and couldn't help but repost.

New Treatment Option for Stopping Meth Abuse that is accompanied with Addiction Psychiatry Options.

Strength Over Speed Colorado

i got love on my mind....

i was perusing hiv sites last nite and i came across yet another city's site that has borrowed some of the incredible work from the seattle king county health department. their ground-breaking harm reduction focused advocacy has been echoed from coast to coast and i find myself with my jaw dropped. as i perused this document on a san diego site, this song also played in the background and the idea of "i've got love on my mind" paired with information for hiv poz gay men using crystal with sex was just too parallelled to ignore.



Crystal Hiv

crystal breaks

chicago public service announcement from 2006 which came from CRYSP. short. succinct. to the point.

final approach to 2010

~ To accomplish our destiny it is not enough to merely guard prudently against road accidents. We must also cover before nightfall the distance assigned to each of us. Alexis Carrell...

 
 
wow! i had such a hard time sleeping. i had a few cups of some new tea that i bought when i was in chicago. it's called earl of oolong and it is fragrant and flavorful... and apparently full of caffeine as well. i hate not being able to sleep. it is quite unsettling.

when i cannot sleep it's almost as if the woodwork squeaks and out come the freaks. i find the little parts of myself that i don't really care for emerge (sometimes in full uniform) to remind me that i have a lotta work left to do. this month will be a lotta work.. i am starting a 2nd group, and i have parties booked each weekend and xmas eve and nye as well. ( i have a new leather sofa to pay for.) luckily, the catering will be working with several different chefs with a couple of repeats. and i'm working the actual holidays with a family i have worked for several times before. if i can pay off 1/2 the sofa i will be thrilled. after all, i have a sleeper to get for the spare bedroom.:)

i find myself a little saddened by the passing of another decade. this has been one of the most volatile in my life. i started using meth in 2001 and stopped in 2005. those 4 years forced a complete reno from the ground up and is still in progress in many ways. i don't know that i will ever forget the juxtaposition of "the best of times and the worst of times" that the 21st century heralded into my life. the meth phenomenon is much more far reaching than my little existence, though. it has touched our nation heavily and has been very heavy handed in the gay men's world. i wonder if anyone has done a study on the age of most gay men (as well as hiv positive gay men) to see what the numbers of each using meth and over-using meth are, and what those trends might say. i personally think that my midlife crisis had much to do with my finding myself lost and letting go of what i had. in so many ways, i didn't recognize myself and so nothing had value. and i kept trying to fill the empty spaces i saw and felt with any pleasure i could muster.

just a thought. i'm hoping to see "blind side" today, make some turkey chili, and maybe kick it one more time till the end of the year... love you madly..

today's sound choice comes from a different "back to mine" cd- this one offered up by mj cole. this is "destiny" by zero 7. the vid is filled with animation that makes me smile..







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