lucky

image credit.... daniel sannwald

yesterday i stood before a guy who has been twisting and turning in the harsh winds of his enduring  romance with crystal. he was crying from his guts as he seared with frustration that his grandmother's memorial services might go on without  him because he has been coming up short on fulfilling his probation.  he fucking really needed to cry.

some thoughts he shared out loud included " i keep finding myself in this position, rod." "when my mother died i was in jail and i couldn't be there"."when my father passed, i was in jail and wasn't there for my family." "and now again i am here and i am offering no support for them. i was supposed to be a pall bearer."
'
there is no doubt in my mind that he is still struggling with thoughts to use. he claims abstinence since february and i definitely believe that, but i also believe that in the 4 years i have known him, he has shown an elegance in his perception of what he should say in situations. but here, today, i think the tears and the shadows they unleash are truth.

i softly ask if he is able to find an opportunity in all this. he scoffs at the idea, but does acknowledge that he won't use. inside, i am sure he is lucky to encounter this truth. as i hug him and say so long for the day, i quietly and humbly reflect on the thought that this dance with tina has gotten no better, no less evil, no less degrading. and i am grateful i can sit this one out.

thaw

Emptiness and just a memory


love is gone with nothing left for me


al those wasted feelings for something I no longer have


I never knew that love could hurt so bad


Winter melody, winter melody, winter melody


play for me, just for me,... Donna Summer

i received a call from a probation officer the other day with regards to someone i have been working with. a few months ago during a group session, there seemed to be a shift for several of the members and they went a little deeper into themselves and shared what was going on. there were quite a few tears, quite a lot of exposed feelings and some growth (i hope) ensued.

one of the members was visibly shaken by all this honesty and introspection. he was affected by the whole thing and stopped coming to group. the audacity of people feeling their feelings and expressing that was just like the midday sun burning his heart's eyes. he retreated back into the shade of his mind and changed his course.

unfortunately with probation, one is sentenced to complete tasks if one is to progress. so he is now looking for alternative ways to finish his requirements. he is looking to complete this without the witnessing by a group at all. This is possible, but it requires cash, as individual therapy is more costly than group sessions, for obvious reasons.

this particular individual has a history of frozen feelings and whacked anger issues, and i wonder if all this is simply part of a spectrum of events that are leading to his "thaw". he has been afraid to feel his feelings for quite some time and has made grand gestures and engaged in activities to avoid doing just that. now that he has no access to those things, and has stopped self-medicating, he finds himself closer to his own truth. and when tears and honesty confronted him, he panicked and ran, because that's what he's become accustomed to doing. but he has a wonderful opportunity to take a look at his life, notice the fear, and address it anyway.

we'll see what happens. but i know that witnessing lives change is one of the blessings in my career. change is hard, but just as in any good thaw, it can clean away so much dirt and debris and leave things in much better condition. but damn, in mid-winter, when things are frozen and dry and dead, it is almost impossible to envision an oasis like spring. i hope he can find enough faith and hope to make the journey.

i've been hoping to post today's sound choice for awhile now. i remember this song so well, and it used to pry open my heart with just one bridge. here is donna summer with "winter melody"



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no more tears

Paul Jabara(above) co-founded the Red Ribbon Project in 1991, and is credited with conceiving and distributing the first AIDS Red Ribbon. more on jabara here

The red ribbon is a symbol for both drug prevention and for the fight against AIDS.


AIDS Awareness Origin
The Red Ribbon Project was created by the New York-based Visual AIDS Artists Caucus in 1991.:

Remain anonymous as individuals and to credit the Visual AIDS Artists Caucus as a whole in the creation of the Red Ribbon Project, and not to list any individual as the “creator” of the Red Ribbon Project;
Keep the image copyright free, so that no individual or organization would profit from the use of the red ribbon;
The Red Ribbon should be used as a consciousness raising symbol, not as a commercial or trademark tool.
The artists who formed the Visual AIDS Artists Caucus wished to create a visual symbol to demonstrate compassion for people living with AIDS and their caregivers. Inspired by the yellow ribbons honoring American soldiers serving in the Gulf war, the color red was chosen for its, "connection to blood and the idea of passion -- not only anger, but love, like a valentine." First worn publicly by Jeremy Irons at the 1991 Tony Awards, the ribbon soon became renowned as an international symbol of AIDS awareness, becoming a politically correct fashion accessory on the lapels of celebrities. The Red Ribbon continues to be a powerful force in the fight to increase public awareness of HIV/AIDS and in the lobbying efforts to increase funding for AIDS services and research.....
from wikipedia

lead......empower........deliver

world aids day december 01 2008

this is the 3rd in a series of posts around 1 subject. unfortunately, i am not enough of a planner to have predetermined what each one shall be. i do, however, have a theme a bit apart from the topic and hope to highlight that them at with the series' final post. i hope you will bear with me...

and have a bountiful and happy thanksgiving...

today's sound choice-
donna summer (thinkin of you willie)and westlife singing paul jabara's
no more tears
original barbra/donna duet here (it's pretty damn good)

https://youtu.be/_vWarFMq9Po