lucky

image credit.... daniel sannwald

yesterday i stood before a guy who has been twisting and turning in the harsh winds of his enduring  romance with crystal. he was crying from his guts as he seared with frustration that his grandmother's memorial services might go on without  him because he has been coming up short on fulfilling his probation.  he fucking really needed to cry.

some thoughts he shared out loud included " i keep finding myself in this position, rod." "when my mother died i was in jail and i couldn't be there"."when my father passed, i was in jail and wasn't there for my family." "and now again i am here and i am offering no support for them. i was supposed to be a pall bearer."
'
there is no doubt in my mind that he is still struggling with thoughts to use. he claims abstinence since february and i definitely believe that, but i also believe that in the 4 years i have known him, he has shown an elegance in his perception of what he should say in situations. but here, today, i think the tears and the shadows they unleash are truth.

i softly ask if he is able to find an opportunity in all this. he scoffs at the idea, but does acknowledge that he won't use. inside, i am sure he is lucky to encounter this truth. as i hug him and say so long for the day, i quietly and humbly reflect on the thought that this dance with tina has gotten no better, no less evil, no less degrading. and i am grateful i can sit this one out.

the rest of the clowns

photo credit ether elgia

Anyone who cannot come to terms with his life while he is alive needs one hand to ward off a little his despair over his fate... but with his other hand he can note down what he sees among the ruins.
Franz Kafka

a while back i posted about an encounter in ptown i had with a beautiful stranger. i came across this photo treatment and was struck by its meaning and because it looked familiar. i couldn't place why until tonight. it looks like the man i met as he was hitting on me that night. i mean he didn't look like this on the outside at all, he was actually quite handsome. but as i chatted with him early into the morning, layer upon layer of things became more visible until i realized he was broken. the really insane part for me was that i remained close to him because i thought i could be helpful. this is part of my illness. this is part of my broken thinking.


yes marc, i have started alanon. i had my first meeting last week. i am going to try to make 3 meetings a week for awhile. i need to let go of a lot of extra baggage i didn't even know that i had. here's one example: i had been ridiculed in 5th-8th grade for being a "faggot" almost every day in school. and then i was secretly hit on by many of the boys a year or two older than me after school was over and had sex of some sort with many of them. i honestly believe this has done some damage i didn't realize. "tricking" became such a natural progression in the mid-70's. anonymous sexual encounters were utilitarian and probably easier to handle. i had a 2 year relationship but its ending was not pretty. and 5 years aftet that i tested positive and i put any relationship ideas in the back of my mind's cellar. i was 27 then, and i haven't grown in this area for 22 years now. kinda pathetic. hopefully not hopeless though. my skewed perceptions of how relationships work is in need of repair. i will try 12step first, and then therapy if the former is not helpful. i somehow need to be freed of the thoughts of not deserving healthy partners and the co-dependent craziness of fixing broken ones. i hope i am learning whatever i am supposed to learn out of all this and can move forward with this part of my life. some things are better left on the shelf. better yet, put out to be taken away. it doesn't work to carry them around any longer. i guess i still am one of the clowns. isn't it rich?