expression

image credit: elena martyniuk

a painter expresses his or herself on canvas


a musician expresses his or herself on silence

how do you best express yourself?

the rest of the clowns

photo credit ether elgia

Anyone who cannot come to terms with his life while he is alive needs one hand to ward off a little his despair over his fate... but with his other hand he can note down what he sees among the ruins.
Franz Kafka

a while back i posted about an encounter in ptown i had with a beautiful stranger. i came across this photo treatment and was struck by its meaning and because it looked familiar. i couldn't place why until tonight. it looks like the man i met as he was hitting on me that night. i mean he didn't look like this on the outside at all, he was actually quite handsome. but as i chatted with him early into the morning, layer upon layer of things became more visible until i realized he was broken. the really insane part for me was that i remained close to him because i thought i could be helpful. this is part of my illness. this is part of my broken thinking.


yes marc, i have started alanon. i had my first meeting last week. i am going to try to make 3 meetings a week for awhile. i need to let go of a lot of extra baggage i didn't even know that i had. here's one example: i had been ridiculed in 5th-8th grade for being a "faggot" almost every day in school. and then i was secretly hit on by many of the boys a year or two older than me after school was over and had sex of some sort with many of them. i honestly believe this has done some damage i didn't realize. "tricking" became such a natural progression in the mid-70's. anonymous sexual encounters were utilitarian and probably easier to handle. i had a 2 year relationship but its ending was not pretty. and 5 years aftet that i tested positive and i put any relationship ideas in the back of my mind's cellar. i was 27 then, and i haven't grown in this area for 22 years now. kinda pathetic. hopefully not hopeless though. my skewed perceptions of how relationships work is in need of repair. i will try 12step first, and then therapy if the former is not helpful. i somehow need to be freed of the thoughts of not deserving healthy partners and the co-dependent craziness of fixing broken ones. i hope i am learning whatever i am supposed to learn out of all this and can move forward with this part of my life. some things are better left on the shelf. better yet, put out to be taken away. it doesn't work to carry them around any longer. i guess i still am one of the clowns. isn't it rich?

vintage

i really had some fun searching through some old 70's clips. boy did i. and i have come across some that i will enjoy posting as time goes on. i am feeling a little nostalgic i guess. it is almost worth visiting youtube on this one to read the comments. it's like swimming in another world. anyway, this song by the fatback band captures much of "the sound" of the 70's. actually, circa 1975. i was in my teens and just learning how to... well, how to do everything, including dance. the dances in those days were things like the bump, the double bump, the rock, the hustle, the garbage man, etc... then, there was the bus stop, which exploded onto urban dance floors and allowed everyone on the floor to groove as one unit. kinda like the electric slide and some of the country line dances that people still engage in to this day.


here's how the footwork goes: you can try this at home, and i think it is SFW. try it waiting for the bus or the subway, and if you're a parent, your kids will love it. try it while you're waiting at starbucks. it might even make you smile, or laugh. it's said that dancing(and smiling) add face value. .... to quote james brown: get up offa that thang.

1. Step side right with RF
2. Bring LF to RF
3. Step side right with RF
4. Touch the LF next to RF
5. Step side left with LF
6. Bring RF to LF
7. Step side left with LF
8. Touch the RF next to LF

9. Touch the RF forward
10. Touch the RF back
11. Step forward with the RF and make a 1/4 turn right
12. Touch LF out to the left side

13. Cross LF in front of the RF
14. Touch RF out to the right side
15.Cross RF in front of the LF
16.Step back with LF