it's just a saturday night

last night i butlered a small rehearsal dinner party for new clients. their 22 year old son is schizo-effective bipolar and has some special needs. he hung around the kitchen after dinner asking me all sorts of questions about living in sf, about ryan white, and about his needing to get outside himself and be around people.

i felt my heart unfurl like a fresh perm in a steamy shower and i realized how very blessed i am to understand this young man's struggle and have patience and an ear.


having dinner with a good friend 2nite. he broke up with his other about a month ago and i haven't had a chance to console him. or really show him support. i have known him since the early 90's and he has been more than a great friend to me. no judgement during the dances with tina, definitely distance, but no judgement.

so it's my turn to be a friend.

already my mental situation of the last couple of days is shifting. this shift is one of the 9th step promises. i don't ever have to feel the way i used to feel again.

The Ninth Step Promises;

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

love your way

i thought this was fitting with the earlier post....

serenity by the sea

day 1:
i landed in boston last night just after midnight after the flight on united that really tested the validity of my spiritual program. i got stuck in a middle seat after my original assignment was kicked out because a ua agent exchanged my ticket accidentally in an exchange for someone else's change of itinerary. and then i was reprimanded loudly on board because the character in the window seat with a small bladder kept getting up to pee while the remain seated light was on. i found my self steaming like a crab boil for a short bit on the plane. and then i remembered that it might just be the universe's way of reminding me that it's not always about me. and that my needs don't always have to come first.

ptown is beginning to percolate with men in recovery. this process seems to have a vibration and an aura to me. (weird i'm sure). i have already been flirted with and i have run into one very handsome guy who hit on me at a cma workshop at the florida roundup.(quite circuit, no?) and i haven't even been here 12 hours yet.

we are staying at the bradford inn on bradford and it's quite pleasant. there is a guest house and a small motel with 12 rooms about 4 blocks from the beach. i have met the guys in at least half of the rooms already. friendly, friendly, friendly.

anyway, i guess i can't stay away from blogville too long. i got a really nice message from bearbrick and i wanted to respond. yes cape cod is provincial and sweet and welcoming. i think i will have a good weekend.

oh and marc, in case you read this, i will be at the 8p meeting 2nite..... i'll be the one with the red sweatshirt and the big heart.... you can't miss me.:P


i came across this vid and i just couldn't resist. labelle; patti labelle, nona hendrix, and sarah dash. my, my, this does take me back. platform shoes, permed hair, man's country, hangin out with an older boy who was in college. learing how to do the latin hustle. believing i had life in my hip pocket. i could go on and on, but that's probably what brought me into recovery anyway. going on and on.

vintage

i really had some fun searching through some old 70's clips. boy did i. and i have come across some that i will enjoy posting as time goes on. i am feeling a little nostalgic i guess. it is almost worth visiting youtube on this one to read the comments. it's like swimming in another world. anyway, this song by the fatback band captures much of "the sound" of the 70's. actually, circa 1975. i was in my teens and just learning how to... well, how to do everything, including dance. the dances in those days were things like the bump, the double bump, the rock, the hustle, the garbage man, etc... then, there was the bus stop, which exploded onto urban dance floors and allowed everyone on the floor to groove as one unit. kinda like the electric slide and some of the country line dances that people still engage in to this day.


here's how the footwork goes: you can try this at home, and i think it is SFW. try it waiting for the bus or the subway, and if you're a parent, your kids will love it. try it while you're waiting at starbucks. it might even make you smile, or laugh. it's said that dancing(and smiling) add face value. .... to quote james brown: get up offa that thang.

1. Step side right with RF
2. Bring LF to RF
3. Step side right with RF
4. Touch the LF next to RF
5. Step side left with LF
6. Bring RF to LF
7. Step side left with LF
8. Touch the RF next to LF

9. Touch the RF forward
10. Touch the RF back
11. Step forward with the RF and make a 1/4 turn right
12. Touch LF out to the left side

13. Cross LF in front of the RF
14. Touch RF out to the right side
15.Cross RF in front of the LF
16.Step back with LF

summer breeze

i thought i'd do a bit of backtrackin today. backtrackin with a little bit of future-trippin thrown in. it's hot today in denver, and i really really really could use a summer breeze. and yes, that could be a metaphor. the live performance in the clip to follow was filmed in 1974. that, coincidentally, is the year i came out. i was 16. but undoubtedly , i had already been kissed.

i am certain that our culture has come forward quite a bit since then. but are we treating each other any better on a grass roots community level? i am not sure. do we still cat fight? do we still sharpen our claws on each other at every opportunity? do we see ourselves in each other and open our arms? or do we shut ourselves down a little and shoot up our defense systems?


here is an excerpt from susan kingston's talk in chicago about crystal meth and gay men. i love what she has to say here.


The elephant in the room here is how great crystal feels. But we don’t dare mention that. It’s as if
all the men who have survived this drug have taken a vow of silence about what was great about
crystal. Or if they do recount any glory they immediately must bookend it with a horror. We
might get closer towards the solution if we end this silence on the enjoyment on crystal. It seems
that if pleasure and thrill are part of the attraction, then we should be talking about that. Because
if we did, the conversation would really stop being about crystal, wouldn’t it? It would be about
what gay men are really yearning for –not getting high or getting fucked, but loving and feeling
loved. And when you start talking about that, crystal starts to seem pointless. And that’s how we
want men to view this drug.

But it’s becoming more difficult to honestly talk about drug and alcohol abuse. Alcoholics and
drug addicts don’t feature into the contemporary portrait of a gay man who is married, vacations
in Tuscany and Puerto Vallarta, takes his dog to doggy daycare, adopts 2 children, and still has
time to nursemaid the dating woes of his straight gal friends and selflessly offer male co-workers
advice on grooming products. Addicted fags make the rest of us look bad.

Unfortunately, our discomfort with the topic, on whatever basis, unintentionally reinforces the
acceptability of drug use. The silence only serves to substantiate and support the norm that gay


men like to get high and fuck. That’s just what they do. And I don’t think that’s acceptable. And
clearly you don’t either or you wouldn’t be here tonight.

The most powerful antidote we have is gay men talking to gay men. Not posters talking to gay
men. Gay men talking to gay men. And their doctors talking to gay men. And their women
friends talking to gay men. You know women are the real saviors and nurturers out there. We
covered your sorry asses at prom, and we’re still looking out for you!

Here’s another part of the solution. Ask men who are using crystal right now what THEY think.
Because we discount them as functioning, contributing beings, we discount their insight into
their own experience. There is valuable, self-aware, and observant wisdom out there that should
be tapped into. If you’re creating a poster campaign and ask meth users what they think only
after you’ve come up with a first design, you’ve already blown it. These guys can play an active,
creative and meaningful role in finding solutions.

i get the impression that some winds of change are rustling through our collective communities. that we are realizing that we need to move to another level of concern and caring for each other if we are to weather the political and emotional storms of modern gay culture. i welcome that wind. it feels refreshing.

and as the new crops of young men begin "coming out", they can incorporate these new understandings into their collective programming and move beyond where many of us seem to be "stuck". that would be progress now, wouldn't it?

i know there is a little background on the artists in the clip, but i like that here. it shows the fashion mindset then and is a nice contrast with how things are today. and as styles change, our clothes change and so do our community agreement fields.

if i close my eyes, i wonder if i can smell the jasmine....