it's a football thing

sail

me and music.. we gotta thing.... goin' on....

if you read the last 4 years of my posts, there is music attached to almost every one. my perception and my life has shifted dramatically but my love for music has only deepened. i was driving the 1st time i heard this song and i almost pulled over so i could get the full effect. there is something so visceral about this particular one. sometimes the smartest thing you can do is blame it on your ADD...
 hope you enjoy listening even half as much as i do... here is sail from awolnation...

SAIL!

This is how I show my love.
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my ADD baby.

This is how an angel cries
Blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my ADD baby

SAIL!
SAIL!
SAIL!
SAIL!

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself(Chorus: myself)
Blame it on my ADD baby

Maybe I'm a different breed
Maybe I'm not listening
So blame it on my ADD baby
SAIL!

 

here lies love

 

 

Here Lies Love is a concept album made in collaboration between David Byrne and Fatboy Slim, about the life of the former First Lady of the Philippines Imelda Marcos along with the woman who raised her — Estrella Cumpas — and follows Marcos until she and her family were forced to leave the Philippines.[12] The album features 22 guest vocalists and was released on April 6, 2010, under Nonesuch Records and Todomundo in several formats, including a deluxe double-Compact Disc set with a DVD of music videos from the album and a 120-page book. The title is taken from a comment made by Imelda Marcos during a visit to her husband Ferdinand Marcos's embalmed body. Imelda Marcos expressed that she would like the phrase "Here Lies Love" to be inscribed on her tomb stone.

David Bryne released the following statement regarding this album:

“The story I am interested in is about asking what drives a powerful person—what makes them tick? How do they make and then remake themselves? I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be great if—as this piece would be principally composed of clubby dance music—one could experience it in a club setting? Could one bring a ‘story’ and a kind of theater to the disco? Was that possible? If so, wouldn’t that be amazing!”

saluting helen morgan

The Helen Morgan Story

Morgan begins her career as a Chicago carnival dancer and catches the eye of fast-talking, double-dealing Larry Maddux, whose promotion catapults her to fame as a Broadway performer in Show Boat and a headliner in her own nightclub. She anguishes over her romantic relationships with both him and Russell Wade, a wealthy, married attorney. When she realizes the caddish Maddux merely has been using her to support the upscale lifestyle he has come to enjoy, she turns to drink. She loses the bulk of her money to the Bureau of Internal Revenue and the Wall Street Crash of 1929, hits rock bottom, and is hospitalized in the alcoholic ward in Bellevue. Maddux has a change of heart and arranges a gala testimonial dinner, hosted by Walter Winchell and Florenz Ziegfeld, in her honor. The film's ending suggests this was Morgan's first step on the road to recovery, success, and happiness, which was not the case in real life.

National Meth Hallucination League

I saw this on Lady Bunny's blog and couldn't help but repost.

Spring Snow

Miike Snow was formed in 2007 in Stockholm, Sweden.
Band members Christian Karlsson and Pontus Winnberg were childhood friends who spent time playing in bands and working on various projects in studios throughout the city of Gothenburg. Karlsson used to be a member of Swedish hip-hop band Goldmine, who toured with The Fugees.[2] After separate moves to Stockholm, they reunited in 2000. In 2004, whilst working on writing a pop album for Britney Spears, the pair met the third band member, American songwriter Andrew Wyatt.
Karlsson and Winnberg collaborated under the moniker Bloodshy & Avant, and enjoyed a significant amount of success as producers and songwriters. They have worked with artists such as Madonna, Kylie Minogue, Kelis, and won a Grammy Award for Best Dance Recording for Spears's track "Toxic".
The name "Miike Snow" is said to have come from one of their friends called Mike Snow, with the spelling of "Miike" coming from the Japanese film director Takashi Miike.... from wikipedia

There was a time when my world was filled with darkness, darkness, darkness
And I stopped dreaming now I'm supposed to fill it up with something, something , something
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody I knew before long long long ago
But I'm still trying to make my mind up
Am I free or am I tied up
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still, I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah I slip
I'm still an animal
There is a hole and I tried to fill up with money, money , money
But it gets bigger to your hopes is always
Running, running, running
In your eyes I see the eyes of somebody of who could be strong
Tell me if I'm wrong
And now I'm pulling your disguise up
Or you free or are you tied up
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip
I'm still an animal
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah I slip
I'm still an animal
I change shapes just to hide in this place but I'm still I'm still an animal
Nobody knows it but me when I slip yeah I slip
I'm still an animal

ladybugs, luck, and second chances

Many cultures view ladybugs as lucky, and a great deal of superstition surrounds these small and stylishly outfitted insects. As often happens with superstition, it is actually a bit difficult to determine why ladybugs came to be viewed as lucky. One interesting thing about ladybug superstitions is that these superstitions are so universal: usually, superstitions about living things are quite varied, with different cultures attaching different meanings to everything ranging from black cats to mirrors.

as a new season sweeps into my life, i find myself reminded so many cliches like one day at a time, easy does it, and it ain't over till it's over... all of them have merit and all are true no doubt leading to their becoming a cliche. i like having cliches to fall back on when i'm not on track. i have definitely found them helpful. their predictability and flexibility can ground me usually without fail.

but i also like the concept of stumble upon. my truth seems to also be that i will find doorways, encounters, or adventures in front of me that appear without warning and have lead to amazing places i never expected. now this may sound a little reminiscent of my using days, because there are similarities. however, the big difference is my own ability to be aware and to not be sidetracked by dopamine overload. maybe i'm not explaining this correctly, but suffice it to say it is very different at the onset and definitely different at the outcome. my adventures while using usually landed me in some scenario that was drenched in trouble of some sort. and that layer of detail seems to have been removed when the using was removed. (hallelujah!)

back to the here and now- i repeatedly find myself working on keeping my heart open. i have come to believe that it is wise to do make room for good things to happen if that is my desire. i have to make room in my heart and mind for miracles so they have a place to land when pass by. it sounds simple i know, but for me i have found that it takes work and diligence to actually make this happen.

on many occasions, i have found it habit to slip into sarcasm, cynicism, and worry, which of course are the complete opposite of hope. and the latter is what i hope to grow in my life.

so with this new season moving through my life, i consciously re-commit to holding a space in my soul for good things to happen both to me and around me. one funny side note is that i have repeatedly been finding ladybugs around my house. i think there have been about 10 or so. and i think it's common knowledge that ladybugs foretell good luck. there is nothing to dispute this in my world and i'd like to keep this going.

recovery, luck, and ladybugs. it can be so exhilarating and yet so confusing. but staying open to the possibility of it all requires diligence, commitment, and and open heart. sounds like work, i know, but results are tangible.usually it's a smile i get from inside. and i love to smile. especially smiles from the heart. i'm sure you've heard the cliche- "smile- it's good for your health"

today's sound choice is "second chance" from roger sanchez

dig

We All Have A Sickness
That Cleverly Attaches And Multiplies
No Matter How Hard We Try.
We All Have Something That Digs At Us,
At Least We Dig Each Other
So When Sickness Turns My Ego Up
I Know You'll Act As A Clever Medicine.
If I Turn Into Another
Dig Me Up From Under What Is Covering
The Better Part Of Me.
Sing This Song!

my holiday weekend is only half over and i am already overflowing with quiet awe. i have managed to do a good thing or two, and i spent (or should i say overspent) some money on things i have been coveting these last 6 months. this has brought me to a place of feeling pretty damn good.

i spent friday evening with my mother. we got her a blackberry and added her to my account. she will have one less monthly stipend and and have more minutes to gab with, and i really am spending no more either. we went to see julie and julia, as i had been saving that experience to have with her and she's been travelling. i am glad i did. no apologies here for digging chick flicks. i suppose it's genetic. but what was fascinating and enthralling was this presentation of yet another example (or 2) of persons following their hearts, taking chances, and finding themselves and redemption in the process. i cried, no surprises, as i love crying at films, and i didn't think that i was very cognisant of watching meryl streep "act" at all. i lost sight of the actress and was very much interested in the story. and the scenes in and around paris found me hungering for more.

now interestingly, the food, although definitely a character in the film, did not enchant me. perhaps i see enough in my paltry nights as a cater waiter on a regular basis. however the dinner parties i did find enchanting, as well as the scenes of "julie" blogging about her experiences. none-the-less, i enjoyed the film, enjoyed spending time with my mother, and remembering what it was to have passion about writing.

i am planning on shopping a bit more today. i am going to a brunch with sin. there is a guy from texas who is a mutual friend and i may try to meet him and say hello. and there is another person i would like to see. sadly, i have noticed a gland in my neck swollen and feel a runny nose, not to mention i woke up feeling like i'd gone through a thundercloud. but mega-dosing on algae should help with that somewhat. besides tomorrow i can kick back at home, putter around the house, and get well.

i also am looking to re-engage with therapy. i am a bit reticent about it no doubt, because there are a couple of issues that keep raising their ugly heads. but i don't want to leave these issues on the burner any longer. i do think they are somewhat primal, which may mean some challenges in the next few months. on my birthday, a co-worker told me that a few members of my team were feeling as if i were a "golden step-child". i was being allowed to do things that others on the team had were not allowed to do. simple enough i suppose, but it triggered something inside me that found me reacting as if i had been attacked. i am not sure if i am very sensitive to being "talked about" or if i felt that a trust had been breached. whatever it is, i am sure it was an over-reaction. this is a recurring theme in my life and i need to root it out. it causes me to let friendships and associations slip away. it causes me to leave jobs. it causes me to start a self-destruct pattern. yuk! i really don't want to dig any deeper right now.

but what are the alternatives?

today's sound choice is incubus with "dig"

mega gay

sometimes you feel like a nut... i got this link from my friend andrew in london...
it definitely made me smile..

a change is gonna come

this would have been around 1978 or 1979... i called myself a homo named spike.

We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we trusted ourselves, giving in to others. We became reactors rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.....
part of "the problem" of adult children of alcoholics...
from mental health matters

another monday, another week, another end of month, another last month of the year. the cycle goes on, the spiral continues, as the earth moves around the sun. i have discovered myself in new light so many times as these last few rotations have happened. i am more surprised and less shocked with each revelation.

being bipolar, although a lifetime companion, has only just begun be seen and recognized by me. i am now discovering things about myself that perhaps i have never been grounded enough to recognize. i take medicine to counteract the imbalances that flow within me, but i realize they do not erase but a bit.

i can see now some of my patterns. i become inspired, passionate, motivated, and directed in cycles. i have a tendency to make decisions in clusters about tasks and projects i like and will take on. during these times, it all seems so simple. i will just do this and just do that. but then, it's challenging to put the brakes on. i perhaps overestimate my abilities and shortchange my personal downtime.

the flip side of my inspired periods is my overwhelmed or depleted periods. it is sometimes not possible to leave the house for the weekend. this includes not answering the phone, and not interfacing much at all. luckily, it does include napping, but it also includes some overeating and very little exercise.

this cycle has been persisting for a while and i don't think it can sanely continue at this pace much longer. i have to teach myself about boundaries and limits. i'm sure i have them, but i'm also sure i'm not in touch with them. and i believe that this is a new lesson for me. this is part of where i need to guide myself in order to know peace.

this is honestly not meant to be depressing. more so, it is me telling on myself so that i don't harbor this like a secret. and frankly, being aware of this has become a true blessing for me. i can so easily see how i used to use through this. i would party during the inspired times and spin so much that i never really accomplished anything. my brain was twirling too too excessively. and the depleted periods were really exaggerated due to the coming down effect. the fact that i'm not trapped in that same hell i endured for years is grace..

i hope this holiday season brings light forward into this area of my life. my intent is to keep in touch with how i'm feeling and how i'm dealing with those feelings. and i'm curious to see how true to my spiritual program i can remain. i am ready to grow.

back to the original sound choice for today- seal performing "a change is gonna come"

the promise that remains

“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen”

this reparation that needs to take place with recovery presents some challenges. i know i can weather most of them, but i didn't know how deeply i'd feel them. that's where the fear comes in. having some of these feelings takes me to the brink of something very new. will i survive this? can i be sad, not knowing what follows, and find the sanity to weather it? will the world support me enough as i am without having to change and become more? sometimes i feel weak and unsure and i can't cover it up. am i becoming a target for another perp? or am i just feeling the way every other normal human feels?

well you tube says this was posted 8 months ago, but i only heard it for the first time yesterday. nice lyric justin. and i hope that love is a promise that remains.

always

image credit 9news

we got about 5 inches of snow yesterday. it's beautiful this morning, but i have to shovel the sidewalks. i was gonna do this last night, but i couldn't get my ass into gear, so, i'll try again this morning. i always go visit my friend jenna at st. mark's for a latte and a ham and cheese croissant on sunday morning. then i go to my favorite meeting for an hour and a 1/2. after there there is coffee with strength in numbers colorado. we are publishing a newsletter and the first one goes to print next week. we are still waiting for some articles to be handed in to beef it up a bit. it is designed to be a hiv poz gay men's newsletter and be accessible online as well as in print. we are starting out very small with no advertising and we will see what happens. we can always adapt this to what is needed.

spanglish

the voice of america has changed. and i am hopeful it continues to change. i don't know if you have heard la lupe before, but she has been a favorite of mine for years now. her voice and her delivery were completely her own, and her story and her struggles are not foreign at all.

these americans and not-yet-americans among us do have incredible stories. tales of bravery, tales of daring, tales of struggles. they are us and i believe we must acknowledge them as being us. not separate from, not different than, but simply us. no better, no worse.

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor
sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?" &n bsp;

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow
Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'...

Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side"

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish
moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

sexy alexi

alexi murdoch

from wikipedia:

Alexi Murdoch (Born 27 December 1973) is a London-born, Scottish-bred, singer-songwriter. He went to the U.S. to study philosophy at Duke University.

His self-published EP, Four Songs, was released in 2002, becoming the all time No. 1 selling record in CD Baby history. [1] Murdoch's newest album, Time Without Consequence, was released on June 6, 2006.

One of Murdoch's most popular songs is "Orange Sky". In an interview, Murdoch said when he took the music to a record company that the recording executive popped the disc into his computer rather than a stereo and then proceeded to stare at the counter on the screen waiting to see how long it took to get to the refrain. The executive's reaction supposedly convinced Murdoch to take the indie route of releasing his music.[citation needed]

"Orange Sky" has been used in a number of television and movie productions, including The OC, House, Prison Break, "Ugly Betty", Ladder 49, and a trailer for the film Paradise Now. The same song was also featured in the movie Garden State, although it did not appear on the official soundtrack. More recently, the song was featured on a Season 1 episode of Dirty Sexy Money. Another song of the album, All My Days, was featured in a Season 4 episode of The OC. The song "Home" was featured on a Season 2 episode of Prison Break.

His song "Through The Dark" can be heard during the end credits of Gone Baby Gone.

kiss my ass

i don't remember ever hearing that patrick henry said this...

i thought it was something about give me lithium or give me meth?

what's a guy to do?

Kucinich questions Bush's mental health

article posted at yahoo news

there's really no need to say much here. it seems i am at a point in recovery which allows the grace to look outward once in awhile, too.
i absolutely love this song. the sentiment, the lyrics, and the tune, and now it has brand new meaning for me.

love your way

i thought this was fitting with the earlier post....

butterfly

image credit stevee postman

It is possible to change without improving -
it is impossible to improve without change

since arriving back from ptown, i have had a series of the most emotional times i can remember, and i processed it all quite differently this time. and it really felt different, too. i have these unattractive habits of getting defensive when i feel threatened or insecure and i am working diligently at reformatting that hard drive. i have been staying silent, i have been redirecting some thoughts, and i have been clinging to the newer belief that i will be ok through all of it, and that i am changing. the process has not been completely smooth, but it has been so much gentler on my system. i am thankful i am perhaps finally growing up.

i went to dinner with a friend and his partner last night. i have met the partner, but we didn't know each other at all. it is becoming increasingly less challenging for me to be spontaneously social in sobriety and we ended up having an engrossing conversation about journey, and destiny, and understanding our own concept of what is healthy for us. i could hardly believe it was as late as it was when we left the restaurant.

i engaged new friends last night, and for that i am incredibly grateful. and better yet, i felt validated but in a more authentic way than i am accustomed. i have felt "stuck" many times in this recovery journey because i have had so many habits that were formed while i was in addictions. i'm finding those habits are not very useful to me with a sober perspective and have to be let go. this discovery process takes time, patience, and willingness. and for me, it seems it may be starting to reap some rewards.

any readers who may feel stuck, or get frustrated because nothing seems to work smoothly or sobriety doesn't come naturally, i urge you to develop patience around a healthy social life and stick to your programs with your sponsors. you might just be in a cocoon phase of your development. this uneasiness around other people will eventually fade, and a much healthier lifestyle will emerge.

"Growing Old is Natural... Growing Up is Spiritual..."

Did we lose ourselves again?
Do we take in what's been said?
Do we take the time to be
All the things we said we'd be
And we bury heads in sand
But my future's in my hands
It means nothing
It means nothing

You can find yourself a God
Believe in which one you want


'Cos they love you all the same
They just go by different names
When we fly our flag today
Are you proud or just ashamed?
It means nothing
It means nothing

It means nothing
If I haven't got you


And the sun sets in the sky
You're the apple of my eye
If the bomb goes off again
In my brain or on the train
I hope that I'm with you
'Cos I wouldn't know what to do
It means nothing
It means nothing

It means nothing
If I haven't got you

some bits of wisdom

some things really are worth singing about...



and then there is the great bear loving clip posted at gay wisdom

look at what?

here is an excerpt from a seattle interview about crystal meth in 2005 with one of my personal heroes: peter staley. i think the content speaks for itself. i find myself slowly moving towards activism in this regard and hope that wherever i eventually land in my movement of beliefs and ideals that i find myself in the company of men and women who actually give a damn. there are wars to be waged, changes to fight for, and healing to nurture. still some days, i cannot believe i have survived all i have to participate in this. so sign me up mr. staley. i think the meth mystique is bullshit. it's built on a concept that there is an easy way to paradise. a quick fix. an easy feel-good with no repercussions. a fast infusion of networking and communication to other gay men and an easy for source of validation. it's none of those things in my eyes. it is merely smoke and mirrors. smoke and mirrors.

So if you could give marching orders to some group of people on this issue, who would you give them to?

Gay men in general, and in particular the guys who are not using meth. I feel strongly that if a person who would never use meth is having brunch on a Sunday with others who have used meth that weekend, and is listening to the meth users share their experience in a joking way—if the listener doesn't say anything, then by his silence he is playing a role in meth's popularity in the community. He's playing a role if he doesn't say, "What the fuck are you talking about? Don't you know that destroyed the lives of some of my friends?"

By his silence he's complicit.

Absolutely, he's complicit. In my mind, this kind of silence is a form of pushing.

So why do so many people remain silent?

The whole basis of our community is very libertarian. The gay liberation movement's primary focus has been fighting against those who are trying to tell us how to live our lives, so we're very reluctant to tell each other how to live our lives. And rightly so. I have a strong libertarian streak. But I hope our community only takes that so far.

For example, if we had been completely libertarian during the height of the AIDS crisis in the '80s, there would have been no pressure from some gay men on other gay men that condoms be used all the time. That was our greatest hour as a community—when we started helping each other, as well as pressuring each other, and started expecting that we take care of our own. Now, here we are again, faced with a situation where the health of many gay men is under serious threat. We need to start helping and pressuring each other again.

the only difference i see in this course of action is perhaps tactical. i am not sure that pressuring is a solution. it may have worked when fear was so predominate, but change doesn't typically stick when it's coerced. if we as a culture start moving towards a deeper happiness then social norms will change. and when we adopt the helping each other philosophy truly and not as a means to manipulate then we can evolve.

oh, yes i do think that brother michael coulda stopped making changes a long time ago, but it ain't my journey. i've lived my own hell, so i try not to emphasize anyone else's. besides, he can rock da house.....