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Sunday, September 6, 2009


We All Have A Sickness
That Cleverly Attaches And Multiplies
No Matter How Hard We Try.
We All Have Something That Digs At Us,
At Least We Dig Each Other
So When Sickness Turns My Ego Up
I Know You'll Act As A Clever Medicine.
If I Turn Into Another
Dig Me Up From Under What Is Covering
The Better Part Of Me.
Sing This Song!

my holiday weekend is only half over and i am already overflowing with quiet awe. i have managed to do a good thing or two, and i spent (or should i say overspent) some money on things i have been coveting these last 6 months. this has brought me to a place of feeling pretty damn good.

i spent friday evening with my mother. we got her a blackberry and added her to my account. she will have one less monthly stipend and and have more minutes to gab with, and i really am spending no more either. we went to see julie and julia, as i had been saving that experience to have with her and she's been travelling. i am glad i did. no apologies here for digging chick flicks. i suppose it's genetic. but what was fascinating and enthralling was this presentation of yet another example (or 2) of persons following their hearts, taking chances, and finding themselves and redemption in the process. i cried, no surprises, as i love crying at films, and i didn't think that i was very cognisant of watching meryl streep "act" at all. i lost sight of the actress and was very much interested in the story. and the scenes in and around paris found me hungering for more.

now interestingly, the food, although definitely a character in the film, did not enchant me. perhaps i see enough in my paltry nights as a cater waiter on a regular basis. however the dinner parties i did find enchanting, as well as the scenes of "julie" blogging about her experiences. none-the-less, i enjoyed the film, enjoyed spending time with my mother, and remembering what it was to have passion about writing.

i am planning on shopping a bit more today. i am going to a brunch with sin. there is a guy from texas who is a mutual friend and i may try to meet him and say hello. and there is another person i would like to see. sadly, i have noticed a gland in my neck swollen and feel a runny nose, not to mention i woke up feeling like i'd gone through a thundercloud. but mega-dosing on algae should help with that somewhat. besides tomorrow i can kick back at home, putter around the house, and get well.

i also am looking to re-engage with therapy. i am a bit reticent about it no doubt, because there are a couple of issues that keep raising their ugly heads. but i don't want to leave these issues on the burner any longer. i do think they are somewhat primal, which may mean some challenges in the next few months. on my birthday, a co-worker told me that a few members of my team were feeling as if i were a "golden step-child". i was being allowed to do things that others on the team had were not allowed to do. simple enough i suppose, but it triggered something inside me that found me reacting as if i had been attacked. i am not sure if i am very sensitive to being "talked about" or if i felt that a trust had been breached. whatever it is, i am sure it was an over-reaction. this is a recurring theme in my life and i need to root it out. it causes me to let friendships and associations slip away. it causes me to leave jobs. it causes me to start a self-destruct pattern. yuk! i really don't want to dig any deeper right now.

but what are the alternatives?

today's sound choice is incubus with "dig"



Java said...

Good luck with the digging. I hope it brings help and light without too much pain.

Mark said...

It's sounds to me that you had a pretty natural reaction to a criticism that stung--whatever its validity. You might get hurt more easily than you'd like to be, but I don't know if I'd call that overreacting.

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