dig

We All Have A Sickness
That Cleverly Attaches And Multiplies
No Matter How Hard We Try.
We All Have Something That Digs At Us,
At Least We Dig Each Other
So When Sickness Turns My Ego Up
I Know You'll Act As A Clever Medicine.
If I Turn Into Another
Dig Me Up From Under What Is Covering
The Better Part Of Me.
Sing This Song!

my holiday weekend is only half over and i am already overflowing with quiet awe. i have managed to do a good thing or two, and i spent (or should i say overspent) some money on things i have been coveting these last 6 months. this has brought me to a place of feeling pretty damn good.

i spent friday evening with my mother. we got her a blackberry and added her to my account. she will have one less monthly stipend and and have more minutes to gab with, and i really am spending no more either. we went to see julie and julia, as i had been saving that experience to have with her and she's been travelling. i am glad i did. no apologies here for digging chick flicks. i suppose it's genetic. but what was fascinating and enthralling was this presentation of yet another example (or 2) of persons following their hearts, taking chances, and finding themselves and redemption in the process. i cried, no surprises, as i love crying at films, and i didn't think that i was very cognisant of watching meryl streep "act" at all. i lost sight of the actress and was very much interested in the story. and the scenes in and around paris found me hungering for more.

now interestingly, the food, although definitely a character in the film, did not enchant me. perhaps i see enough in my paltry nights as a cater waiter on a regular basis. however the dinner parties i did find enchanting, as well as the scenes of "julie" blogging about her experiences. none-the-less, i enjoyed the film, enjoyed spending time with my mother, and remembering what it was to have passion about writing.

i am planning on shopping a bit more today. i am going to a brunch with sin. there is a guy from texas who is a mutual friend and i may try to meet him and say hello. and there is another person i would like to see. sadly, i have noticed a gland in my neck swollen and feel a runny nose, not to mention i woke up feeling like i'd gone through a thundercloud. but mega-dosing on algae should help with that somewhat. besides tomorrow i can kick back at home, putter around the house, and get well.

i also am looking to re-engage with therapy. i am a bit reticent about it no doubt, because there are a couple of issues that keep raising their ugly heads. but i don't want to leave these issues on the burner any longer. i do think they are somewhat primal, which may mean some challenges in the next few months. on my birthday, a co-worker told me that a few members of my team were feeling as if i were a "golden step-child". i was being allowed to do things that others on the team had were not allowed to do. simple enough i suppose, but it triggered something inside me that found me reacting as if i had been attacked. i am not sure if i am very sensitive to being "talked about" or if i felt that a trust had been breached. whatever it is, i am sure it was an over-reaction. this is a recurring theme in my life and i need to root it out. it causes me to let friendships and associations slip away. it causes me to leave jobs. it causes me to start a self-destruct pattern. yuk! i really don't want to dig any deeper right now.

but what are the alternatives?

today's sound choice is incubus with "dig"

wish you were here

i am taking a class on grief and loss for work. really though, it is for me, too. there is so much of a connection between substance use/abuse and grief. difficulty in dealing with life on life's terms is a main reason people start using. there is so much more trauma and loss that is piled on a person when they are in the throes of addiction. it is so common for people to lose much of their innocence, to be accosted, sexually abused, cheated, robbed, beaten, preyed upon when they are under the influence of a substance. it almost goes with the lifestyle. this all happens on top of whatever led them into substance use initially, and the loss and sadness that accompanies addiction just keep layering itself upon itself.

it is a good class. it is an important topic. it is a difficult topic. i know, when i talk with someone about their grief and the circumstances around it, it is natural for me to bring my own experiences of such to mind. this is the difficult part in working with others. this is why al-anon is so helpful to me.

and then when someone stops using they experience a whole different loss. the loss of their major coping skill. and the loss of their primary relationship. this is one of the most challenging aspects to change. the loss and the grief surrounding that. suddenly it seems one is standing all alone to face the world. this is why it has helped me in my journey to acknowledge and grow my spiritual side. it really helps to prevent me from feeling alone.

oil and water

did i hear someone say "cleanup on aisle 5?" (pentagon)

from towleroad

Servicemember's Legal Defense Network talked with Army Sgt. Darren Manzella after last night's 60 Minutes interview and Manzella says that so far there has been no response from the U.S. Military regarding his participation in the story.

Said Manzella: "I have not received any notification, positive or negative, from my command since I notified them of my participation in the story or since the broadcasting of the segment...I have served with many men and women in Iraq, Kuwait and throughout the United States. In my opinion, they do not care if a service member is gay or straight. These men and women are my brothers and sisters in arms and I am the same to them. I know that what matters to most is not the sexual orientation of the person in your unit. What matters most is if that person is a good worker, a team player and most importantly, if that person has your back when it rewally matters whether it be in a combat zone, during a training exercise or day to day operations. I think that a majority of troops are in favor, or at the very least indifferent, to the repeal of this policy. I find that many are surprised that so much power and influence over the fate of this policy lies in the hands of individuals who are not even in the ranks of the military."

more of the interview here

oil and water- incubus

You and I are like oil and water
And we've been trying, trying, trying
Ohhhhh, to mix it up

We've been dancing on a volcano
And we've been crying, crying, crying
Over blackened souls

Babe, this wouldn't be the first time
It will not be the last time
There is no parasol that could shelter this weather

I've been smiling with anchors on my shoulders
But I've been dying, dying, dying
Ohhh, ohhh, oh to let them go

Babe, this wouldn't be the first time
It will not be the last time
There is no parasol that could shelter this weather

Babe, this wouldn't be the first time
It will not be the last time
We were trying to believe everything would get better

We've been lying to each other
Hey babe
Let's just call it, call it, call it
Ohhhhhh, what it is
Oil and water
Oil and water
Oil and water