the making of me

firstly, i am somewhat of agog with john barrowman. i don't know why i think he's so damn dreamy, but i do. and last night was a john barrowman night on bbc and i was glued to the telly. he was in a two hour special entitled "any dream will do" which was an audition special for the london revival of "joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat" with special appearance by no less that andrew lloyd weber as well as my crush barrowman.

following that show was the u.s. premiere of his special from last summer with the title of "the making of me". it follows him with some attempts to validate his "gayness" as being something born with and not evolved into. interesting but very lite, i found barrowman to be more charming with each moment on film.

it's a sin

another labor of love has come out to bloom. i think this one is better than the last, and hope they continue to get stronger. so many thanks to so many people. i am learning so much along the way.


SIN Newsletter 4

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Health aids denver

today's sound choice is the pet shop boys "it's a sin"

in the moment

image credit peter staley and the crystal meth working group

firstly- a little something about 08 08 2008


so my accidental hero- peter staley- has started his own blog on poz online. his path and an interview with him in poz actually redirected my thinking when i was struggling to get clean. he struggled with his own meth issues and had allowed his life to polish his struggles into something more valuable- a message. i have every intention of becoming a regular reader and will no doubt share things once in awhile.

on his blog, i heard about a new online gay soap opera which is geared towards hiv prevention. it is called "in the moment" and here are the first two episodes. i won't post all of them, but may once in awhile.

if you want to read more you can check out peter's blog here


Find more videos like this on In The Moment



Find more videos like this on In The Moment

gloria gloria

Now the sirens have a still more fatal weapon than their song, namely their silence... someone might have escaped from their singing; but from their silence, certainly never.
Franz Kafka

this next one i absolutely fell in love with....

i found it in an unusual spot -on xtube. it got pulled from xtube for being inappropriate (that certainly makes it sweeter)! it definitely takes me back to another time entirely and yet it seems a little fresh somehow. i hope you'll agree... his name is karl allott. this is exactly what singers do.. they sing. let's have a little fun, shall we? so many gay boys in the early 80's sang these words on the dance floor of the paradise in chicago for weekends on end.

here are the lyrics. funny, i find them appropriate for any tweaker i have ever known...



and just to make it more interesting, i am posting the original version of this song, too. umberto tozzi singing it in its original language (italian).

dance hall days (redux)

this is a repost. i was looking at my stats and saw that quite a few people are hitting on this post. the vid (a documentary about house music in chicago) has evidently expired and is deleted now from youtube. i added a new remix from the brains and soul of frankie knuckles. the song definitely takes me back to my dance hall days and captures a specific flavor of 1978-1981. you could easily say that "it's not over" rang through my head on many mornings after leaving the innerworkings of dancehalls and stumbling out into the morning sun just as a displaced vampire or other creature of the night would do. hava listen and hava fantastic sunday.... i see yardwork in my immediate future. oh and i had already posted a lighthearted vid to make everyone smile.

House music is a style of electronic dance music that was developed by dance club DJs in Chicago in the early to mid-1980s. House music is strongly influenced by elements of the late 1970s soul- and funk-infused dance music style of disco. House music takes disco's use of a prominent bass drum on every beat and developed a new style by mixing in a heavy electronic synthesizer bassline, electronic drums, electronic effects, funk and pop samples, and reverb- or delay-enhanced vocals.

i came across this partial documentary about life very close to my heart in late 70's chicago. this is a good portion of our(chicagoans) soundtrack for 78,79. and its afterlife affirms yet again how influential gay tastes can be.

i remember visiting the warehouse about that time for the very 1st time. one of the things i remember vividly is being one of the few white persons and being aware of it. it caused me to feel uncomfortable and it also raised my awareness of how others in the same position(only opposite) might feel most of the time. that alone was worth the cover charge. but beyond that, i also remember dancing with a freedom that i hadn't felt before. this dancing thing was already becoming truly tribal for me. the body heat alone made for a sauna and the rhythms coming from the turntables as well as the revellers adding their harmonic additions and rhythmic subtexts created a surround sound that was hard to resist.

and of course then there was frankie knuckles. my friend medusa had befriended frankie over the previous couple of years and had developed a true respect for the man and a love for his art form. i was introduced to him while he was in the booth (working 3 turntables i might add) and i immediately was a fan. he was softspoken, he was attentive, he was thoughtful, and after listening for a few minutes and watching these record playing machines transformed into musical instruments right before my eyes, i knew i was hooked. i was never gonna be the same. i met a star that night, and knew it. and i am overjoyed at his continued success and never surprised that he has won another award. and i am always eager to hear another recording of his mastery.

my world was rocked on that visit to the warehouse. and my world has expanded greatly because of the influence of these dance hall days. my views of a culture and of its people were shifted into a more perfect balance then. and i learned to love to dance and celebrate the spirit(both mine and the spirit of all those around me) in a more holistic way. i grew up in a major way that night at the warehouse, and i don't regret one minute. and here is what frankie is up to these days.

fourth step

•Personal Relations is my deep seated idea of what this type of relationship should look like.
•Sex Relations is my deep seated ideas of how a real man and/or real woman would be in this situation.

excerpted from the jay walker

i have come so far in my belief about sexual encounters in my life. it used to be that i slept with anyone and everyone i could, whenever i could. i did that for years. i never gave it a second thought. i used guys like tissues and they agreed to it, so i rarely even wondered if it was okay. i didn't worry about looking at the soul or the heart of my partners, rather i looked at their outsides and i looked at whether they fit my requirements. if i could set them into my preconceived mold of how the encounter should look.

when i did my fourth step on sex and relationships, sadly there were so many that i could neither count accurately nor could i remember very many names. this is actually appalling to me now, so please do not read callousness in my tone here. i have had to come to terms with my behavior and i have done my best to do so. most of my partners were in agreement with this practice at the time and were of similar minds. it was sex as sport. it was completely recreational without relationship baggage attached. it is not how i look to live my life now. i have begun the forgiveness process and have started to let go as well.

i still objectify good looking men at times, as you can tell by some of the pics i post. but i do that in an adoring fashion hopefully, and i also think that eye candy works to perk one's interest, both for me and the reader. but i have definitely changed my tune with regard to tricking. i have tried it a couple of times in sobriety and it has really been more than underwhelming. it doesn't interest me any longer. i don't want to be validated with a knob job or a ben dover. i would now much prefer a conversation and a shared idea over a shared meal.

i'm glad things have changed. i feel much better about myself and my life this way. the chain doesn't get rattled quite so often, and i have begun to look for something that has much more substance.

and to anonymous- this i am positive is jean carne. i distinctly remember this song of hers as well as "free love". i used to huckle buck at a club called "le pub" in my platform shoes and my flared jeans. hot, hot, hot- or not, not, not.... and i still love the star wars sounds in the music of those days.

crux

one of my colleagues emailed me a time magazine article on the state of aids in our gay union and the silence surrounding it. i find it telling and compelling, thus i am sharing it with you all in the hopes that it increases dialogue and some thoughts about our approach. the truth is that i meet new positve men with regularity and realize that they feel under supported and frustrated. i also find that longer term poz guys have very little patience for these younger men because they weren't listening to the messages that are out there. (i wonder if we are simply burnt out and don't want to relive any painful memories again)

my feeling is that there are so many messages out there, direct and more subtle, that one can easily shut down to listening to that topic entirely. i also think that without the visible physical evidence of the nasty nature of this virus, guys think it probably isn't that bad. couple that with the natural tendency to think that nothing like that will ever happen "to me". and finally, throw in substance abuse or heavy partying to the mix, and DING DONG CLANG - one is ringing the bell loudly for a crisis.

the film is one of two posted on hivbigdeal.org. check them out. director todd ahlberg of "meth: the movie" did these two films and i think they are pretty well done.

the crux of the situation in my eyes: what's happening is that we are not mentoring the younger generation as well as we could. sure, they could listen more and they could be more respectful, but then again, they won't be young forever. I mean would we have listened?

happy pride!

downtown lights

"Befriending myself seems to be about opening my heart as a homeless shelter for all the destituted and prostituted aspects of my being that I have been running from for years without even knowing that's what I have been doing."
-- Dawna Markova, 'I Will Not Die an Unlived Life' --

the SIN bbq was really so much fun. there were guys that i have never met before and then many guys that i am just beginning to know. it was cold outside, but inside keith's home, the air was warm and full of welcome. i ate too much food as has become my custom, and i traded stories and giggles with almost everyone.

there was one man from colorado springs and several from the longmont/boulder area who don't usually come to the denver events. it was easy and it was smooth. a great holiday for me filled with thanks and smiles.

i love this song and i especially love this version by annie lennox. but then, i love almost everything she sings. take a listen and i hope it brings a smile to your heart. it always does mine- lyrics here

let it be

now most of the crazy drama of the last six weeks should be over. thank goodness is what i want to say mostly. it feels like i have just taken a really big shit. it also feels like i have been in a twilight zone episode. i hope i can write about it someday and do it justice. it remains unsettling to walk away from crazy without feeling crazy. i'm not sure how that all works.

i am going to a SIN brunch today. (YEAH!)- i find i look forward to these now. then i am going bowling with my friends to celebrate their youngest son's fifth birthday. cake and presents always make me smile- even when they are not for me. and rmru is hosting bingo tonite. the fundraising chair has asked me to call the bingo for at least 1/2 hour. i could use a few laughs.

and here is what i'm working on in my quiet time:

Whether we come through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon Family Groups chances are we bring a lifetime of "stinking thinking" with us. Frankly, it takes awhile for the "fog" to begin to lift, so that we begin to see ourselves and the world around us more clearly.
If we have sincerely completed the first three steps and have truly made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him, then it is time to put that principle into action. We must find the courage to take a fearless look at ourselves and become willing clean up the garbage we find.

In order to proceed, we must identify the problems and get a clear picture of how our behavior effected ourselves and others around us. That picture is not always in focus for newcomers early in recovery, but as we continue to hang around the rooms, listening and learning from others, and keeping an open mind, we find more layers of the "onion" being peeled away. for more read here:

there are times when the truth isn't the only witness or the only player on the stage. i guess my job is to just do my best with what i have and leave as little wreckage behind me as possible. no one person saves the world and it's really crucial to pick one's battles.

PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS OF ASSISI

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort
than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

an old song today. but it's reworked here. i think it's moodier, and i like the intensity. and i think there are no finer words for me to utter today than "let it be". have a fantastic sunday.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

the rest of the lyrics here:

broadway baby

it's funny. i remember when i was 18, 19 or so, i used to say that i would never become one of those queens who could sing along with broadway musicals or know the librettos by heart. i thought i was too alternative and too hip to ever be pigeon-holed like that (corn-holed..yes, pigeon-holed..no)

but now that i have reached the ripening years, i find that my enjoyment and my retention of broadway musicals of all sorts and from all decades has expanded and become an integral part of who i am now. here are just a very few of my favorite lines from broadway musicals:(can you name the show they are from?)

i feel pretty and witty and gay- and i pity any girl who isn't me today...
west side story

live is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death...
mame

i don't know how to love him -what to do how to woo him he's a man....
jesus christ superstar

we got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. where did we go right?...
the producers

i felt nothing....
a chorus line

i'm as corny as kansas in august...
oklahoma

i'm still here....
follies

and the lyrics from this song really fit my mood today. this features the very campy gay bar scene from "applause" with lauren bacall.

through the glass

someone once asked me: why do they call him a tweaker?

'cuz he's high for two weeks at a time :)


happy sunday. the weather has turned warm and lovely. and it seems, so has my future. at least it is headed for change. there is room for growth and i hope to welcome it. i notice today, how sometimes when i look at myself, i have to take some time to recognize who i am and where i am at, for it can all so easily seem foreign. that is where faith comes in. when i see my reflection and i don't recall or recognize, i must find trust that i will remember. i have been here before, and i have been all right.

Through the Looking Glass: Lewis Carroll Quotes
Alice: You see, Kitty, it must have been either me or the Red King. He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream, too! Was it the Red King, Kitty? You were his wife, my dear, so you ought to know -- oh, Kitty, do help to settle it! I'm sure your paw can wait!" But the provoking kitten only began on the other paw, and pretended it hadn't heard the question.

decision

so today, i am reminded that i am attempting to live by ideals in my life. somehow, i seem to have gotten off of my path. i suppose this is a natural course of events, as i am not following a set of clear footprints, but merely the map of some, which means i am taking my own steps.

i know that i feel better when i walk away from any situation without the sting of selfishness and self pity, but sometimes i seem to forget that. i will try to find my way back to this ideal again. and the best way i know how to do this is by asking for some bigger guns to come on board.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

what a difference a day makes

incredibly my second day off this weekend has proven to be so restorative. and that makes sense as i'm a virgo and it was a working day off. there was a new member orientation for the planning council and i went for the latter half. i got to see a couple of former work buddies and that was sheer joy. they made me laugh and reminded me that i can bring a smile to someone's face. oh god- thank you so much for that reminder...

then i did a presentation of mile high meth project to the public health office. there were about 20 persons present and i was asked to speak about the program and to invite referrals. as i spoke about the program and about the purpose and intention, i was gently reminded why i do this work in the first place- because i have been graced with the ability to do so, and gifted with the power of understanding. as i spoke to the group, i realized that i have some experience with meth use, with addictions, with hiv, with mental health issues, and with being a gay man. all of these challenges that i have faced in my life have made way for an opportunity for me to learn, teach, and share these experiences and expand the agreement field of understanding in the metro area i am living in. never in my wildest dreams would i have thought such a thing possible.

yet, here i am. living it. breathing it. and trying to pass it on...

and then there's my new pal.. m betty... who makes me laugh so..and makes me remember i am crazy, but in a good way... god- thank you for that, too.

oh what a difference a day makes. the entire landscape of my understanding can alter.

los angeles

What a marvelous last day in los angeles monday was. Woke up and had breakfast w/jim at the french market. I then got a haircut which was sorely needed and the marc picked me up and we went to lunch at the abbey. I had snapper and he had a burger. The weather was quintessential southern California and we found ourselves talking away an hour in no time. I have had so many “ahas” this weekend, it will take some time for them all to percolate (or settle if you prefer). I have drifted from my mooring with regard to feeling connected to recovery and this is something that has been highlighted and become a renewed focus for me. I was beginning to have some success with a career and I realize that if I don’t have a connection to a spiritual path and I don’t work on that, I will drift into old thought patterns and a feeling of uselessness.

I have felt just like this before and I am very aware that I care to be there no longer. I tried to contact rk and spoke with him, but I had been too relaxed in my arranging to meet him. he is an incredible figure in my eyes and has been so steadfast in his reporting of his perceptions. This is one of the reasons I admire him. another, of course, is that he is a long-term aids survivor and I have a very soft spot in my heart for the trailblazers. They still teach me how to survive with dignity.

I also have reignited my interest in museums. Being in denver has quelled that passion somewhat, however, I now know that this is something that definitely feeds my soul and my creative process. I mean, I have probably looked at lichtenstein’s work 20 or so times throughout the years, but I gained a new appreciation for some of them with this last round. I saw connections I hadn’t noticed before. Connections to my own perception and ideas that were relayed by that few minutes of contemplation are something that make museums and galleries so very worthwhile to me.

I am reminded of the blessings in my life today. And it is appropriate at this stage for me to also look at some of my gifts. marc reminds me that I am able to understand spiritual concepts and discuss and share them with an accessible quality. I think I have a good sense of humor- albeit a bit twisted- but those are the best aren’t they? I have a pretty good heart and I try to think of others as well as myself. This, of course, is a work in progress. And I have good communication skills and have been blessed with the ability to convey a warm-fuzzy feeling with my exchanges. Hopefully it’s an earnestness that people pick up on.

This visit has been a festival for me. something very akin to the bastille day celebrations I have attended. There was good weather, music, good food and great people watching. something for all my senses. And just like bastille day, this convention and this weekend represent the freedom I have gained from the self made prison of self loathing and denial that I had lived in so long. i'm feeling better today, cleansed somehow. the last time i was here, i had raised some demons. it felt good to put them to rest. demons like this:

she had to leave
los angeles
all her toys wore out in black
and her boys had too
she started to hate every nigger and jew
every mexican that gave her lotta shit
every homosexual and the idle rich

she had to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out

she gets confused
flying over the dateline
her hands turn red
cause the days change at night
change in an instant
the days change at night
change in an instant

she had to leave
los angeles
she found it hard to say goodbye to her own best friend
she bought a clock on hollywood blvd the day she left
it felt sad
it felt sad
it felt sad

she had to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out
to get out

here comes the sun

yesterday was a fairly full day of recovery workshops. some i am really grateful i had the chance to attend. they all helped shrink-wrap my own perspective to fit who i really am.

the spiritual living meeting opened my eyes to some different takes on priorities and this was so welcome. i also noticed that i had really gotten outta my head for a bit and that was what this trip was really all about.

during the working with others workshop someone shared about having boundaries with an addict in active use and telling them "no". this was offered with such naivete and directness that i felt my heart open and i empathized so naturally. i also secretly wished i could do that with people in my life who may or may not be addicts, but are highly active users. damn, i struggle with boundaries so obviously that i must be a target. i will ask for this to change.

last night was the dinner and speaker meeting. the person who shared her story also entertained and sang for 1/2 hour too. and she sang beautifully. and my heart softened when she sang a song titled the same as this post. the buzz was that she is a member of a famous entertainment family, so it makes sense that she indeed was talented.

but her story was like daybreak. she recollected the darkness she had lived in for so many years, and heralded the dawning of reclaiming a life through sobriety. she even cajoled about having difficulty kneeling to pray when she had no trouble snorting a line off some guy's wanker in a club. there's no better way to win over a room full of gay men in recovery than to toss out some sexually charged depravity to signify the depths to which one sinks in addiction.

this conference is feeding my soul. i am having a quietly monumental experience and i really need it right now. marc has been an angel and a godsend. and i am internally starting to believe there is some light at the end of this tunnel i had found myself in.

finally

We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.

pema chodron

i am including a couple of quotes that i found inspiring today. i know that change is happening around me. and i know i don't know where my life is heading. i am, however, regaining my faith in my path. man it is so incredibly challenging for me to find trust when i am passing through another gateway without certainty of the next stop. but i have to keep trying to believe in tomorrow.

Faith is a process of leaping into the abyss not on the basis of any certainty about ~where~ we shall land, but rather on the belief that we ~shall~ land.”

carter heywerd

i am everybody

Tonglen - receiving and letting go
Tonglen is the Tibetan practice of sending and receiving. Tong means sending out or letting go, len means receiving or accepting.

This is an active practice of loving kindness, not a navel gazing exercise in self-absorption. With it we can calm the waters within and on the other side of the world. Western thought can embrace it through chaos theory's butterfly effect.

i have begun to practice tonglen in my daily life. by no means, think that i am an expert, because that just isn't so. but i have begun to consciously include compassion for others in my everyday to a degree i haven't done before.

i know that i feel as if i have just survived a tsunami and i am so filled with awe and gratitude that i am beginning to include this practice as part of my daily spiritual practices.

it seems to me that my daily spiritual life (which now includes my blogging) really sets the tone for my day. and if i am not participating in those spiritual practices, i already have a heads up that something is definitely not working in my life. this "heads up" can be a real life saver.

and if i practice letting go (both after giving and after receiving) then i make room for something better to move into my life. and i have just seen that happen for me this week. it is something so fantastic that i never could have manipulated or calculated something as quiet and as powerful and as fulfilling as i have received.


love, acceptance, and support.

and this was too delicious to not support- this week on lifelube

alzmek

i found this vid on international carnival of pozitivities. it's quite a perspective. it certainly is not my perspective, but i can truly appreciate it. i believe that blaming someone who has tested positive is counterintuitive. and i think trying to use blame as a prevention is short-lived and separates community and sends some folks into isolation.

i feel love

Remember that those who attack are poor. Their poverty asks for gifts, not further impoverishment.

above from A Course In Miracles

it's a quiet miracle. it's one that i wasn't expecting. it's come up so quickly and discreetly and slipped into my pocket so i know that it's there. i feel love. i am feeling something i don't really know if i have ever allowed myself to feel before this. i feel supported and loved by the people in my life of whom so many have rallied around and been there to support me this week. and i am able to receive it. actually receive it. this is a spectacular thaw for me.

i have been graced with the opportunity to move through ancient trauma and core beliefs and come out the other side with a true gift. i have always had support in my life, i think, but i don't think i have ever been grounded enough (nor sober enough) to really receive it. up until 3 1/2 years ago, i had experienced ptsd fairly regularly. but i always just self-medicated through it. that's what i always did. much of it came as a result of substance use too, but its origin was self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness which had been an integral part of me since almost my beginning. now, with sobriety, this last week has been one of the first chances for me to try a different coping skill for a very recurrent situation.

and miracle of miracles, i believe i am sitting at home quietly understanding in a deeper way that i am supported and loved, and that i don't have to panic or get manic. i can come to know peace in a new way. i can be still and know.

there is another 12step saying which is "more will be revealed". i repeat this like a young child in wonder. it's just as if some of my deepest and oldest wounds have been magically sprinkled with fairy dust and a healing is transpiring.

here is a quote from the very very sappy Michael Landon film Love Comes Softly:

The truth of God's love is not that he allows bad things to happen. It's His promise that He'll be here with us when they do.

and please check out steve's post today and let your heart smile. it's title is "winky"

finding balance

i think david beckham is da bomb! don't you?

it's set! i will be going to la for cmala at the end of this month. flights are secured and registration is paid. i have a friend who just moved to palm springs and will be in la for a tony robbins seminar that i will try to share a room with.

i am hoping to spend some time w/marc while i'm there. he makes my heart smile. and he has created a line of greeting cards that i love and i would like to get some to bring back with me. (maybe 4 sets)....

i really need meetings right now in my life. i need a fellowship from which to gain sustenance, too. certainly this is a lovely and important message for me. and, i can also use some time away. i still have that amends to do with a family member and that person lives in manhattan beach. i am going to try to facilitate that. much of this very recent mess is wholly reminiscent of this particular familial relationship, and i believe that if i don't make a stronger effort to heal the big one, it will keep reappearing in my life just as it has done again.

i have begun to look around for other efforts to get involved with. just as chris is doing with his relationship intention, i am working on in a vocation arena. i am creating space for something new to move into my life.

i have started a new affirmation which is "i am happy, healthy, and whole. i am immersed in abundance and support"