so my accidental hero- peter staley- has started his own blog on poz online. his path and an interview with him in poz actually redirected my thinking when i was struggling to get clean. he struggled with his own meth issues and had allowed his life to polish his struggles into something more valuable- a message. i have every intention of becoming a regular reader and will no doubt share things once in awhile.
on his blog, i heard about a new online gay soap opera which is geared towards hiv prevention. it is called "in the moment" and here are the first two episodes. i won't post all of them, but may once in awhile.
if you want to read more you can check out peter's blog here
i found this vid on international carnival of pozitivities. it's quite a perspective. it certainly is not my perspective, but i can truly appreciate it. i believe that blaming someone who has tested positive is counterintuitive. and i think trying to use blame as a prevention is short-lived and separates community and sends some folks into isolation.
i stumbled upon a new blog in my cyber travel. i found it very similar to many gay men's stories (both naive and mature) i have run across in the last couple of years.
my personal belief is that the blog is fictional, but i do also believe it could easily be the words of many of my contemporaries, both twink and seasoned who are seroconverting at alarming rates. and i think it is because, culturally, gay men find powerful personal validation through sexual activity, albeit fleeing validation.
but then, i have my beliefs, too. and i have worked hard to find them so i will try to find a way to respect others' as well. or at least i'll try to respect their right to have them.
this song could so easily be a song to tina or a song to "hot" anonymous encounters....
Michael mcdonald/kenny loggins
He came from somewhere back in her long ago The sentimental fool don't see Tryin hard to recreate What had yet to be created once in her life
She musters a smile For his nostalgic tale Never coming near what he wanted to say Only to realize It never really was
She had a place in his life He never made her think twice As he rises to her apology Anybody else would surely know Hes watching her go
But what a fool believes he sees No wise man has the power to reason away What seems to be Is always better than nothing And nothing at all keeps sending him...
Somewhere back in her long ago Where he can still believe theres a place in her life Someday, somewhere, she will return
She had a place in his life He never made her think twice As he rises to her apology Anybody else would surely know Hes watching her go
But what a fool believes he sees No wise man has the power to reason away What seems to be Is always better than nothing Theres nothing at all But what a fool believes he sees...
the swiss government made a statement last week that has created a ripple in the hiv/aids treatment and prevention world. i don't know what the outcome of all this is or will be. i do know that the messaging that is currently used by this industry (treatment and prevention) is pretty broken. it is based upon solutions that were decided upon during a time of crisis in our community. the messaging and the tactics for prevention haven't really changed much since then. and it certainly hasn't kept up with our community at all.
there is no longer a sense of urgency prevailing. no visible crisis. there is treatment available and the treatment has removed the concept of urgency right out of the picture. yes, gay men are still testing positive. however, it is viewed as a stigma more than a virus and has moved to the back shelf of importance in most gay men's lives.
i think dialogue that offers new ideas, new thoughts, new directions for conversations, and new ways for gay men to think about taking care of themselves and each other is what might be needed now. we have a good distance to go with regard to gay men's mental and physical wellness. we have been sidetracked so long now because of hiv. so much of our time has been spent in plugging the leaks and ignoring the weak spots. maybe discussions like these can help us move forward into more concrete ideas for planning our futures and helping to map a safer pathway for those young gay men to follow.
seattle counseling has added a new dimension to their fight with the relationship between crystal, gay men, and hiv. see crystal neon. the newest defense is a peer-based effort launched to locally challenge the agreement field that exists (as it does in almost every other large city) that it is okay to use crystal and that it doesn't hurt anybody but its users and that it's somebody else's problem.
i applaud this effort. absolutely love it. there was a time when the gay rights movement and community had to create change for themselves if they wanted change. now, it seems so many expect someone else to do the work. but this seattle effort brings back the idea that we are the captains of our own destiny. i buy into this, hook, line, and sinker.
i love the "have you quit" section. gay men who have already stopped have so much to offer in this regard. just like hiv poz guys have so much to offer new positive men. i never see enough of that.
anyway here is seattle's newest addition to both their local and our national efforts to corral the meth-y business that is pummelling gay men across the globe. strength over speed
so the question is, can we as a community, or a queer nation, as it were, begin to have conversations around what we believe to be healthy? is it okay for some of us to hate watching our brothers spin out on tweak and not say anything? and is it okay to say something if we hate it? can we allow ourselves the space to have our concerns and express them? and can we allow you to have your space while we really don't like what you do? i don't know the answers to this. in a perfect world, i would think yes. but what is our true nature? i wonder if we know more than we give ourselves credit for and we can do more, much more, than we conceive.
in boston and in san francisco, the newest campaign to reduce the meth damage is to enlist ourselves to educate and promote thoughtful decision making. will this take us to a place of more understanding? or will it become more divisive?
from bay windows of boston:
Last month Fenway Community Health's New Champions, a federally funded program working to combat crystal meth addiction, launched its second major phase, debuting its Resist Meth ad campaign and holding its second training for men to learn how to do outreach in the community and talk about meth use and addiction. New Champions, a collaboration between Fenway, AIDS Action Committee, and the Latin American Health Institute, is one of 10 programs around the country receiving crystal meth prevention money from a grant through the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSA), but among those programs it is the only one focused on confronting meth addiction within the gay male community. Jed Barnum, program manager for New Champions, said the other programs receiving the SAMSA meth grant focus on other populations such as children, youth in the juvenile justice system and Native Americans. The program managers share information through conference calls and meet at conferences held twice each year, and Barnum said the New Champions program has been able to provide those other programs with a new perspective because of the unique patterns of meth addiction in the gay male community. He said representing a gay-focused program has allowed him to advocate for a focus on the links between sex and meth use in the programs' approach to tracking meth use.
"It's allowed us to advocate for questions around sexual behavior that might be tricky to do in other cases," said Barnum.
and it seems as if san francisco is following suit:
I don't touch meth but know where to get it. It seems that Castro Street in San Francisco is awash in the crystalline powder, with every twink in town all tweaked out on it and engaging in wild sex orgies and spreading HIV. So the self-proclaimed LBGTFHZ leadership has decreed that this is a community crisis and has begun a propaganda campaign to re-educate the twinked-out masses to resist crystal meth.
There were "Resist Meth" posters everywhere, with an image reminiscent of a 1950s-era Soviet propaganda poster depicting a worker promoting the the socialist revolution, and the inspiring slogan "resist meth" that is sure to re-educate the proles. There was another propaganda poster depicting some sort of crystal meth board game, and a headline in the gay Bay Area Reporter rag that declared that crystal meth use has "plateued" and that the re-education campaign should start to reduce use soon.
BTW, on the train home yesterday there was someone who appeared to be on crystal meth, though not obviously gay. He just kept walking back and forth through the cars with a dazed look on his face and he didn't look like a disheveled homeless person (yet), so I assumed he was on meth.
No comprehensive plan guides strategic use of AIDS-related dollars or holds government agencies accountable for steadily improved outcomes.
thanks to lifefube for the heads up on this one! And I would just like to add that just because people are not dying the way they did 20 years ago, in no way is it acceptable that people are seroconverting at the rate they still are. especially in the gay men's community. in some circles i have heard that it is inevitable that all men will be poz by the time they are 60. I wholeheartedly say "poppycock". this is absurd. that's something the "focus on the family" camp would spout, but not my own locker room. and it's pretty obvious that just nodding to wrapping ourselves in latex isn't the most effective strategy.
Call for a National AIDS Strategy for the US AIDS is a national crisis. The next President of the U.S. should develop a results-oriented AIDS strategy.
The wealthiest nation in the world is failing its own people in responding to the AIDS epidemic at home. Consider that in the U.S.:
Every year, 40,000 people are newly infected with HIV. The HIV infection rate has not fallen in 15 years. Over a million people are living with HIV. In 2002, an estimated half of people living with HIV/AIDS were not in care. African Americans represent 13% of the population but nearly half of all new HIV infections. In 2004, HIV/AIDS was the leading cause of death among black women ages 25 - 34. The unsatisfactory outcomes from our country’s response to AIDS have serious human and economic costs. A study published in 2003 found that failure to meet the government’s then goal of reducing HIV infections by half would lead to $18 billion in excess expenses through 2010.
The U.S. must develop what it asks of other nations it supports in combating AIDS: a national strategy to achieve improved and more equitable results.
To be effective, a national AIDS strategy should…
Improve prevention and treatment outcomes through reliance on evidence-based programming Set ambitious and credible prevention and treatment targets and require annual reporting on progress towards goals Identify clear priorities for action across federal agencies and assign responsibilities and timelines for follow-through Include, as a primary focus, the prevention and treatment needs of African Americans, other communities of color, gay men of all races, and other groups at elevated risk Address social factors that increase vulnerability to infection Promote a strengthened HIV prevention and treatment research effort Involve many sectors in developing the national strategy: government, business, community, civil rights organizations, faith based groups, researchers, and people living with HIV/AIDS Please sign on now so your voice can be heard. click here to sign:
i have given my notice at my job and am in a contemplative state. i have been working as a client advocate for persons living with hiv for two years now. it has been an eye-opening experience to say the least. more importantly is the heart opening that has been taking place in me the last two years as well. i have become aware of so many issues and details and circumstances in peoples lives that i previously was completely blind to. this is my song. and my song is knowing you.
i have met many hiv plus homeless persons who have no real place to lay their head. many of them have mental health issues and it affects how they take care of themselves and how they approach wellness and health care in general. i mean when you wander a lot looking for a place to sit down, it hardly seems logical that taking meds on a timely basis would have any priority whatsoever.
i have become aware of people in this capacity not having the self efficacy to keep themselves physically safe. so, in that sense, how could risky behaviors have any real priority? if you can't negotiate whether you have sex or not, how do you possibly negotiate whether it is going to be "safe"?
i now understand more clearly that if i cannot tell you that i have sex with a man, how can i possibly tell you that i am positive? and i would rather get sick than go to a doctor, because my wife will find out that i have hiv.
it seems completely understandable to think that someone has been poz for 20 years and is just tired of feeling disconnected. tired of putting on the glove when it's time to make love. that it's counter intuitive that i need to place a barrier between us before we become closer.
i know much better that after 2 years of diarrhea, it seems logical for a person to really tire of the medication routine. it's so draining, how can a person keep it up. and who wants to hear about it anyway. then you pick up a copy of poz magazine and everybody looks healthy, happy, and full of smiles. and you think, i must not be good enough.
and then there are those who have lost so many of their friends and are just lonely. they never expected to live this long, weren't at all prepared. and have a difficult time discerning a reason to keep it up. where is the fun when there are no shared memories? not one inside joke? no one to remind you of anything that happened that one time?
and the folks who have been numbing out for so long, that they don't even remember what life is like without pharmacology. they have been zombied by drugs and alcohol and are whispers of the people they once were. walking wounded. bela lugosis. caspers.
please don't misunderstand my spewing here. this is not a judgement. this is not a critique. this is my experience. and i am not in regret. i have opened my heart. i have opened my eyes to the realities of living with a "condition". of surviving, but not smoothly. it's not all downhill from here. there are crags, and crevices, and hidden bumps and holes.
this is my community. this is the truth about hiv. this is not what the press releases want you to know. but this might be the prevention information that works. i don't know. not everyone with hiv has a broken life. not by a long shot. however, it is not at all like being nominated for class president, either. it is an earthquake. it shakes us to the very foundation. and it takes time to find out how high it is on the richter scale.
i will miss this work and this position. i leave this job a much stronger and healther hiv plus person than i was prior. i no longer have time for shame. i have found bliss in this diagnosis. i carry it with me always. i am blessed to have been able to help anyone. i couldn't help myself leave a bathhouse room a few years ago. this type of job is a recommended service position for anyone who thinks they are a pariah.
thanks to lifelube for the heads up on this story from out.com.
barebacking and safesex practices are evolving under our very noses and the discourse is disjointed and full of innuendo and assumptions. i personally believe that gay men have moved from a strict party line postition to a more individual and personal decision stance and this has happened quite organically.
the really strange thing is trying to figure out where men get their information and how much is actual knowledge versus wishful thinking and chatroom blabber. and then there is the denial thing. didn't we lose so many of our best (friends) and brightest? has barebacking brought us closer together? has it taught us to love one another any more? are we taking care of each other through this transition? are we taking care of ourselves?
the conversation continues with this next article by james gavin:
Baring the Truth
After decades of scrupulous condom use, bareback porn is proliferating—with a corresponding rise in HIV infections. The collective silence is deafening.
i came across this post on god is brown and was immediately empowered by the sheer honesty in his words. my understanding is that he writes poetry. no doubt it is emotional, imaginative, and evocative. his voice is clear and fresh and i believe this post takes me a vital step closer to a new understanding of my work these days. i work in substance abuse treatment and in hiv services and prevention. barebacking is one the top selling flavor-du-jours for the new seroconversions that we see. it is not an enormity of numbers, but the trend is disturbing. the idea is so taboo and so "not discussed" that it lends itself to this quirky, cutesy, or shall i say "hot" name (i.e. barebacking) and to "saying yes to pleasure" (which is one thing our culture is really known for and prides itself on).
but first a quote from thebody.com. again these conversations might do us all a world of good to have in the public domain and the private backyard bbq. maybe we need to be a bit more open with our feelings about sex, rather than repeat dogma. we may be more inclined to actually grow.
Also, I'm really bored with the entire issue of barebacking because even before there was a provocative name for it there was plenty of it happening. While safer sex educators and HIV-prevention specialists were flapping their arms and directing us to "use a condom every time," some of us were silently asking ourselves how the hell we were going to put a condom on the horse every time it got out of the barn. Can you actually imagine being 24 years old and hearing the words every time in a sentence? Can you imagine having sex for 60 years and using a condom every time? Uh huh. Neither can I. www.thebody.com
It’s been years since I believed in a vengeful supreme being with the potential and propensity to strike us down every time we break a rule or cross a line. I grew up believing that rib-created Eve took an apple and convinced her clay-made Adam to take a bite out of it. According to the story as I was taught, it’s because of Adam’s weakness, Eve’s deceitfulness (misogyny, anyone?) and the disobedience of the two of them that we are condemned to a paradise-less life.
The one bite created an avalanche of human suffering that will either end when Jesus comes back, the 100,000 or so are lifted or the Easter Bunny jumps out a bush and eats us. All we have to do now is sit tight, wait and above all… obey. Right.
Even with the absence of religion and fear in my life I continue to live in a world of serpents and forbidden apples. Call me Eve or Adam but sometimes a boy just needs to take a bit out of a plump and juicy ass. An act which, until relatively recently was punishable by law. OK, maybe not biting the ass, but certainly fucking it. So the sodomy law is gone, we celebrated, got drunk, made sure we penetrated the Supreme Court decision deep into each other. And every single one of us did so with a condom (right!), because fucking without one is the apple none of us can bite. We all know that to do so is an abomination and one of our remaining sins, even for those of us that no longer believe in sin… we know the punishment.
Now, I’m not trying to be sarcastic just for the sake of being sarcastic. I’m not trying to dismiss or belittle the importance and validity of condom use. I’m not questioning the role of prevention and education in our communities. And I’m certainly not challenging the need for us to eradicate HIV and other STD’s from our bodies.
As a (not so young anymore) Queer Xicano I have spent the last 10 years looking for my ancestors, many lost because of HIV/AIDS. I have dedicated myself professionally, artistically, academically and personally to supporting a movement to create a world free from such atrocities. Not a day goes by that I do not remember that through my veins flows the same virus that flowed through the veins of my ancestors.
I must confess, however, that I am disappointed and saddened by some of the ways that we’re going about things.
Coming of age as a young fag I was bombarded by messages telling me to be “responsible,” to “love myself,” and to “do the right thing.” It was made very clear to me from the beginning that:
1. I probably shouldn’t fuck around with too many guys, in fact, one should suffice; and 2. if I was going to be ‘promiscuous” I must always wear a condom.
But, nobody really explained why. Sure, there were the images of death, the stories of the ravaging effects HIV/AIDS has had in our communities and the loss of too many of my brothers. Yet, even with these explanations there remained an underlying tone reminiscent of my mother’s “Because I said so” days.
Today the messaging continues to be deeply engrained with moralistic statements about doing the right thing as if there is always one right way. Being in abusive relationships, negotiating power dynamics, trying to keep a roof over your head, figuring out your next meal… all are irrelevant. The bottom line: wear a condom, period.
If you’re negative, better stay that way. If we’re positive, we better remember that the responsibility of all those innocent negative people rests on our shoulders. After all, we’re the vectors of the disease. Hardly the sex-positive culture queer liberation efforts had in mind.
But then there are exceptions. Some people are unable to make the right choice because of their battles with addictions, some people down right hate themselves, some people hate everyone else, some people have serious psychological issues and then there are those that run around with the whole package of reasons. After all, why else would you make the wrong choice?
Certainly not because it feels good. No, that can’t be. We can never admit to such blasphemous ideas. We can’t have people running around thinking for themselves, questioning our morals, putting themselves in danger (negative folk) or endangering others (positive folk). After all, pleasure is not something we bring up when talking about sex, unless it’s to encourage people to make the right choice.
I’m not saying that self-destructive behaviors do not exist. I realize our choices are not always the ones with the greatest consequences and I certainly agree that substance use has the potential of clouding our judgment. Yet, I also don’t think it’s that simple.
My entire life people have told me what to do. From believing this country has always believed in freedom and liberty for all to the idea that Jesus was actually as insane as Paul would have us believe. It took me a couple of decades to realize that freedom and liberty for all has always had its small print and Jesus was actually a pretty cool dude that got a bad rap from Paul’s fucked up anti-women, anti-fag, anti-everyone-that-thought-independently writings. Similarly, I’ve stopped believing that morals-based prevention is actually that effective and conducive to human liberation. I’m no longer interested in buying the idea that wearing a condom is the right thing to do because it’s responsible, because Jesus said so or because not doing so implies that I hate myself and everyone around me.
So barebacking has become a fad. Sometimes I wonder if it’s really that exciting because it just feels better or if the experience (or thought of it!) is enhanced by the fact that fucking someone without a barrier is prohibited and punishable by gay law.
We have invested so much into narratives that claim that to love ourselves and each other is to do the right thing (wear a condom). Fear and damnation has only taken us so far and at times dragged us back a few steps. I can’t help but wonder what this world would look like if we took the time to develop narratives about how we are actually worth loving.
I don’t know of a solution and I don’t know that I will ever really figure one out. But I do enjoy thinking about what could be if we stopped condemning each other and started loving one another and sharing what we know not because we want to force people to make the decision we have declared as the right one, but because we all deserve more than a “because I said so” approach.
Who knows… maybe there’s some power behind creating a culture that nurtures and thrives on sex-positive, self-loving and informed queer men.
Until then…
so i say- who needs meth.... i'll take lorenzo
this is backtrackin. and it certainly qualifies for a dance hall days post. but i just couldn't resist here. please forgive me. it's just a different name. vicious... eh?
i received this from ron hudson at ICP and thought i would pass it along. i think that the more perspectives that get added, the more hearty the finished product. (if it ever is finished!) and i am really glad hiv plus people have a voice. it really is lacking in my city and i am trying to rally some support to address that. i am not convinced blogging is the approach to this in denver just yet, but we'll see. i've been wrong more occasions than i remember.
Dear Friends of the International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP):
We have published the first edition of the ICP for Year Two and now have set our sights on the 14th consecutive edition of this forum for people living with HIV/AIDS and their allies. Our next host is Jim Johnson of Straight, Not Narrow. At this time, we are requesting your submissions of articles, personal stories, artwork, poetry, music, and other messages about living with HIV/AIDS or about supporting someone who does.
Please consider submitting your work to help us fight the stigma of HIV/AIDS and to present a real vision of what it is like to live with HIV/AIDS around the world. Our deadline for submissions is 2 August 2007 at midnight New York time. If you would like to contribute something, but do not have a blog of your own, email me to submit your work as a guest writer at 2sides2ron, my personal blog.
As usual, I am still seeking hosts for future editions of the ICP. Please visit the ICP homepage and consider whether or not you would like to host a future edition. In addition, please consider linking your site to ours by including these sites in your blogroll or by including announcements of publication and calls for submissions. Any help you can offer will be greatly appreciated.
Safe Journeys!
Ron Hudson
2sides2ron Poundcake Love The International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP)
then, i have always loved this group. a couple of good dance hits, and then of course one of my all time favorites "don't leave". this is faithless. and somehow, i thought this song may be a bit apropos. the lyrics are tender.and the idea that only with mellowing are we able to relax and fit in. but maybe we lose much of our passion and our ability to make a change in the world if we do that as well....
You can sleep forever But still you will be tired You can stay as cold as stone But still you won't find peace With you I feel I'm the meek leading the blind With you I feel I'm just spending wasting time
I've been waiting I'm still waiting I've been waiting I've been waiting I've been waiting I'm still waiting I'm with you (with you) Its always one step too far One step too far
You can walk too far But still you won't be found You can look down on the world But still you won't find love You won't find love
Maxi Jazz: Only with mellow Are you thin enough to slide through. If the sun or the moon should give way to doubt, They would immediately go out. One swallow don't make a summer, But tomorrow has to start somewhere. Only with mellow Are you thin enough to slide through. Only with mellow Are you thin enough to slide through. Don't Let nothing ride you Only with mellow Are you thin enough to slide through. Don't Let nothing ride you One swallow
jim pickett of life lube has requested that this be put out for gay men to give input. rectal microbicides offer a completely new direction for hiv prevention, making anal sex without condoms a taboo no longer. this is an idea that gay men are thirsty for. just look at the incredibly high syphillis rates. take the time to fill it out. they don't want to make a product that guys won't use. shout about this one from the rooftops boys.
PLEASE remember to point people to our LUBE SURVEY on www.IRMWG.org. It is CLOSING the end of JULY so time is of the essence. We have well over 5000 responses, let's break 6000 in the next couple of weeks! We can do that by sending notes to all of our contacts, posting items online, and doing the all-around U- RAH-RAH for the LUBE SURVEY.
