Papa went to other lands And he found someone who understands The ticking, and the western man's need to cry He came back the other day, you know Some things in life may change And some things They stay the same
Like time, there's always time On my mind So pass me by, I'll be fine Just give me time
it's saturday morning and i have slept until i can't sleep anymore. this is a great feeling 'cuz i usually get up because i have things to do early. i still have things to do, but today is an exception. it's been snowing for 12 hours and it is still coming down. it is a very wet, very white, and very beautiful spring snow.
i will venture out now, to forage for spiritual sustenance and also find something to make for lunch. i need to shovel the walks, do laundry, and start a book i have been aching to read.
but right now, its so very quiet and pristine that it deserves honoring. i hope it's a glorious weekend.
today's sound choice is the haunting melancholy of damien rice with "older chests"
on the 4th day of christmas my true love gave to me- a portrait of myself that took years to produce. it was a fearless and moral inventory of myself that i had never had the chutzpah before to view.
these are some instructions that came with the gift.... more here
Please try and quit conning yourself that you need to get into the "right mood" to take this step. You're in the right mood to take this step when you are ready to quit hurting and get well. All of our lives, we have tried to "think our way into action." This time, we must, "act our way into right thinking." We who have taken this step can tell you that it works. We didn't know how it worked before we took it, and we can't tell you how it works after we took it...so quite worrying about that. What you are seeking is not mere "relief"...you'll get that, don't worry. What will come will be real joy in living. Believe us, you can get it, and a giant step toward getting it is to dump the accumulated garbage that you are now carrying around. So get your pen and paper and begin!
Final words before you start: if you honestly don't know the answer to a question, then just indicate that you don't know. But try and answer each question in the best way that you can. And remember...if any question suggests an area of discomfort (trouble), then write it out...get it down on paper...get rid of it!
it started out with very carefully orchestrated brushstrokes as if it were tracing another image through opaque paper, but as the process continued, emotions flared with each memory of incidents, blunders, resentments and pain. it was becoming clear that i had viewed myself as a victim and martyr most of my life. i had blamed myself for the bad things that happened to me and around me, but blamed everyone else for letting them happen, too. and because i had known pain, that gave me a free pass to not try at so many things, and a free pass to self-medicate because as we all know- nobody knows the troubles i've seen.
there is a fourth step in the inventory process which is shook the foundation of my emotional house of cards. it comes with the question "what is my role in this". this arrow hit directly between the eyes almost every time. i would never again have the luxury of remaining a victim in my own life. i now knew i had most of the responsibility, not for what happened in my life, but how i reacted to it. sure, i have had pain and trauma. yes, it's been tough. but i had also chosen to hold onto it like a track and field medal won so long ago. i could just as easily let that go and move forward. this is when the brushstrokes in this portrait shifted. there were no longer contained and premeditated dabs of color on the canvas. no, now the freedom that i was feeling within began to permeate tbis technicolor likeness in my head. bold colors contrasted with subtle hues, less shadow and more light began to emerge. i am at once in tune with the idea that indeed i am what i am. and what i am has no more excuses. this is me.
Now she's older now Yes, she's wiser now Can't disguise her now She don't need No one tellin her What to do and say No one tellin her Who to be She's on solid ground She's been lost and found Now, she answers to G-O-D And she's confident This is not the end Ask me how I know Cause she is me.
on the 4th day of christmas my true love gave to me: a brand new self portrait, a new way to see "me" in 4 dimensions a decision in 3 parts- i can't, god can, i think i'll let her a 2nd chance an opportunity to listen and be heard
today's sound choice is the supercalifragilistic mary j blige with "take me as i am"
well the final brunch at the rocky mountain roundup 2007 has come and gone, as well as the final speaker meeting. today's speaker was emily and she was the most inspirational for me. she spoke of medicating through sexual abuse and the wreckage left beyond that. and she spoke of learning to accept the situations that life handed her and learning to love herself because of it. and her honesty gave me the permission to reflect on own life with honesty and tenderness. and i cried a little.
i danced like a true warrior on saturday evening for an hour at least. it was quite tribal and very cleansing for myself and many of my brothers and sisters. there was a reason to celebrate and so we did. and i danced. and i met a friend and he offered a gift to me during my personal work on my relationship ideal, just as the power of intention would have it. and it was impromptu. it was sweet. and it was humbling.
at the hiv/hep c in recovery workshop, i listened with compassion as a woman spoke of her brother who has dementia and is probably nearing his last days. she loves to come to men's meetings as her lesbian counterparts don't have the same compassion for someone care taking one living with aids. i know she needed to release her fear and frustration and i was proud to be a part of a space that let her do so.
i led the hike-to meeting this morning and so went up another 1/2 mile and sat in the woods and talked about "the promises". eric from dallas spoke about his guarded disappointment upon his arrival in winter park as the hotel seemed lackluster. he then spoke of his own judgements being way off the mark, as this roundup had completely rejuvenated his idea of what the program has to offer him. he cried as he talked about his fears of going back to his day-to-day life and leaving the spectacular backdrop of winter park and arapahoe national forest. i cried like a baby as he surrendered his fears of speaking his truth.
indeed i am sincerely amazed at the blessings i have in my life. i no longer have to feel about myself, the way i felt before i found this sweet surrender. i no longer have to stay stuck in thinking the horrible horrible thoughts i had grown accustomed to. i am changing. and i am grateful for the opportunity. there is hope. if someone like me can change and find hope, anyone can.
i have given my notice at my job and am in a contemplative state. i have been working as a client advocate for persons living with hiv for two years now. it has been an eye-opening experience to say the least. more importantly is the heart opening that has been taking place in me the last two years as well. i have become aware of so many issues and details and circumstances in peoples lives that i previously was completely blind to. this is my song. and my song is knowing you.
i have met many hiv plus homeless persons who have no real place to lay their head. many of them have mental health issues and it affects how they take care of themselves and how they approach wellness and health care in general. i mean when you wander a lot looking for a place to sit down, it hardly seems logical that taking meds on a timely basis would have any priority whatsoever.
i have become aware of people in this capacity not having the self efficacy to keep themselves physically safe. so, in that sense, how could risky behaviors have any real priority? if you can't negotiate whether you have sex or not, how do you possibly negotiate whether it is going to be "safe"?
i now understand more clearly that if i cannot tell you that i have sex with a man, how can i possibly tell you that i am positive? and i would rather get sick than go to a doctor, because my wife will find out that i have hiv.
it seems completely understandable to think that someone has been poz for 20 years and is just tired of feeling disconnected. tired of putting on the glove when it's time to make love. that it's counter intuitive that i need to place a barrier between us before we become closer.
i know much better that after 2 years of diarrhea, it seems logical for a person to really tire of the medication routine. it's so draining, how can a person keep it up. and who wants to hear about it anyway. then you pick up a copy of poz magazine and everybody looks healthy, happy, and full of smiles. and you think, i must not be good enough.
and then there are those who have lost so many of their friends and are just lonely. they never expected to live this long, weren't at all prepared. and have a difficult time discerning a reason to keep it up. where is the fun when there are no shared memories? not one inside joke? no one to remind you of anything that happened that one time?
and the folks who have been numbing out for so long, that they don't even remember what life is like without pharmacology. they have been zombied by drugs and alcohol and are whispers of the people they once were. walking wounded. bela lugosis. caspers.
please don't misunderstand my spewing here. this is not a judgement. this is not a critique. this is my experience. and i am not in regret. i have opened my heart. i have opened my eyes to the realities of living with a "condition". of surviving, but not smoothly. it's not all downhill from here. there are crags, and crevices, and hidden bumps and holes.
this is my community. this is the truth about hiv. this is not what the press releases want you to know. but this might be the prevention information that works. i don't know. not everyone with hiv has a broken life. not by a long shot. however, it is not at all like being nominated for class president, either. it is an earthquake. it shakes us to the very foundation. and it takes time to find out how high it is on the richter scale.
i will miss this work and this position. i leave this job a much stronger and healther hiv plus person than i was prior. i no longer have time for shame. i have found bliss in this diagnosis. i carry it with me always. i am blessed to have been able to help anyone. i couldn't help myself leave a bathhouse room a few years ago. this type of job is a recommended service position for anyone who thinks they are a pariah.
