on the 4th day

on the 4th day of christmas my true love gave to me- a portrait of myself that took years to produce. it was a fearless and moral inventory of myself that i had never had the chutzpah before to view.

these are some instructions that came with the gift.... more here

Please try and quit conning yourself that you need to get into the "right mood" to take this step. You're in the right mood to take this step when you are ready to quit hurting and get well. All of our lives, we have tried to "think our way into action."
This time, we must, "act our way into right thinking." We who have taken this step can tell you that it works.
We didn't know how it worked before we took it, and we can't tell you how it works
after we took it...so quite worrying about that.
What you are seeking is not mere "relief"...you'll get that, don't worry. What will come will be real joy in living.
Believe us, you can get it, and a giant step toward getting it is to dump the accumulated garbage that you are now carrying around.
So get your pen and paper and begin!

Final words before you start: if you honestly don't know the answer to a question, then just indicate that you don't know. But try and answer each question in the best way that you can.
And remember...if any question suggests an area of discomfort (trouble), then write
it out...get it down on paper...get rid of it!

it started out with very carefully orchestrated brushstrokes as if it were tracing another image through opaque paper, but as the process continued, emotions flared with each memory of incidents, blunders, resentments and pain. it was becoming clear that i had viewed myself as a victim and martyr most of my life. i had blamed myself for the bad things that happened to me and around me, but blamed everyone else for letting them happen, too. and because i had known pain, that gave me a free pass to not try at so many things, and a free pass to self-medicate because as we all know- nobody knows the troubles i've seen.

there is a fourth step in the inventory process which is shook the foundation of my emotional house of cards. it comes with the question "what is my role in this". this arrow hit directly between the eyes almost every time. i would never again have the luxury of remaining a victim in my own life. i now knew i had most of the responsibility, not for what happened in my life, but how i reacted to it. sure, i have had pain and trauma. yes, it's been tough. but i had also chosen to hold onto it like a track and field medal won so long ago. i could just as easily let that go and move forward. this is when the brushstrokes in this portrait shifted. there were no longer contained and premeditated dabs of color on the canvas. no, now the freedom that i was feeling within began to permeate tbis technicolor likeness in my head. bold colors contrasted with subtle hues, less shadow and more light began to emerge. i am at once in tune with the idea that indeed i am what i am. and what i am has no more excuses. this is me.

Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.

on the 4th day of christmas my true love gave to me:
a brand new self portrait, a new way to see "me" in 4 dimensions
a decision in 3 parts- i can't, god can, i think i'll let her
a 2nd chance
an opportunity to listen and be heard

today's sound choice is the supercalifragilistic mary j blige with "take me as i am"

wave your hands in the air

one of the 4th step promises:

Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.

for the rest please see here

today i received a call from another addict who was struggling because he relapsed over the weekend and was trying to hide it from his parole officer. he is involved in our drug court system and he is in the final phases of that process. he was expected to drop a ua today, but was planning on skipping it and making an excuse to give.

he is involved in the 12 step process and he was calling from his sponsor's phone. i know him from meetings and have watched him grow from a place of complete addiction to someone who is reaching out after a relapse. for those of you who don't understand this, just this change in behavior is really huge because he is not trying to handle everything on his own and is using the fellowship to find a way to behavior change.

when we spoke, i asked him how his life had been these last few months using the tools and the suggestions of the fellowship. he indicated that it had been really good. i then asked him why he decided to change his habit of following those suggestions. he asked what i meant. i responded by asking him why he got high. he said he was lonely. i retorted by asking what the fellowship suggests for a person with less than a year. - working with others, going to meetings, finding gratitude. i pointed out that he had not used these options, but chose to find his own solution to his problem. and i asked how that worked for him. now he still feels lonely, but he's also got shit he feels like he has to hide. i also asked what kind of life he really wanted to live. it seemed to me that if he was trying to avoid jail, he might be doing a piss poor job because the guilt and shame he was living in seemed a lot like jail to me. i then had to hang up because i had to go to an interview.

i got a voicemail about 3 hours later from him thanking me for talking with him. he had spoken with his p.o. and come clean about the relapse. he also dropped his ua knowing it was dirty and he will go back in front of a judge on friday. not lying about who we are and where we are is one of the most important gifts of recovery. i think he's doing just fine.


this is a colorado band (flobots)that seems to be getting much national airplay these days. i think they are kinda funny and cool and this song is kinda bittersweet. they are a little reminiscent of cake (whom i really dig a lot).