atmosphere blue

Put your loving arms around me
And you whisper to me when you
Put your loving arms around me
And inside your arms I'm burning
Put your loving arms around me
And you whisper to me when you
And inside your arms I'm burning

I'm burning, inside your arms I'm burning...

yesterday was a day of false starts. new carpeting was to be installed in my townhouse. my mom and aunt came over to oversee the work as i had to go to the office. and my aunt had offered to paint my bathroom and kitchen for me while the work was being done. so they arrived on thursday evening, we went to dinner, and they stayed over. in the morning we moved all the items on the floors onto the patio before i went to work so the installers could have at it. and i had purchased paint (atmosphere blue) at restoration hardware to be put on the walls of the uncarpeted rooms. i left for work.

i got an emergency call during clinic with a message of paint problem and no carpet. i called to find out that the installers had not shown and the paint had some textural issue as it was runny and oily and would not adhere to the walls. we decided to run to the local hardware store and ask them to machine shake the paint and i phoned the carpet salesman. He assured me he would check on things and get back. i left my mom's number for him to respond.

the install was rebooked for today and the remixed paint remained runny. the decision to exchange or return the paint was made. if return was necessary, a second visit to the hardware store to mix a paint to the swatch of atmosphere blue. my houseguests stayed an extra night. i made a steak salad and we watched a don cheadle film called "traitor". both of them fell asleep- possibly a relevant movie review.

it is pride weekend in denver. i have lots of furniture to move this morning and then again this afternoon. the kitchen is left to be painted. i need to get a new drill and possibly some shelving. i am looking into refinancing to upgrade the kitchen appliances, move the plumbing and add a gas line for cooking. am having an appraisal on monday. we'll see.
i still love this process of nesting i am in. it feels like getting a big hug.

happy pride....

today's sound choice is armin van buuren's remix of karen overton with "put your loving arms around me"

and on the 7th day

Thank You, for this opportunity for a new beginning in my life and a chance to be a part of the solutions in life instead of the problems. Please grant me wisdom, knowledge and strength as I go out from here to do Your work and live the Victorious Life You designed for me.

some days, it is said, are not days to push forward. better perhaps for reflection, resting our heads, and making way for rejuvenation. and on the 7th day he rested has been written. before i close my eyes to engage that refueling process, i send a message back to home base asking for further instruction and guidance. i am now conscious of the very idea that i am not alone, but am part of a team. i am part of a mission and no longer act alone.

relief comes to me today on different levels. i get much needed rest and i get reinforcement. and all with the simple words.. help me

on the 7th day of christmas, my true love gave to me..
a 7th day to rest, reflect, and recharge
a 6 foot carriage to safety
a 5 alarm avalanche
a brand new self portrait, a new way to see "me" in 4 dimensions
a decision in 3 parts- i can't, god can, i think i'll let her
a 2nd chance
an opportunity to learn to listen and be heard

my example today- the following was posted on facebook today. it is someone i know very well who is struggling with a parent with alzheimers and a relationship that is breaking off. i believe the "ones" mentioned include me and immediately took offense. however, when i ask for my defects to be removed in the situation- my ego- i realize this is not about me at all. i now need to meditate on how i can be of service.

I miss my recovery from California. Shit I dream about it about 4 times a week. I miss the diversity of California, so much more than the fuckin' redneck, recovery wanna-bees that I find in Denver.

I swear, once my mum is gone, I'll leave this town in my dust.

Really, I do not know a single Gay man in this town whom I trust. The ones I did trust in early recovery still have some serious mental health issues, and remind me of egomaniacs with no self esteem.

I lived in San Francisco for 20 years total. From 76 to 99, and was clean and sober there for 7 of them. There's a lot of drunks and drug addicts there, and because of it, there is some GREAT recovery there.

None of this cliicky, cow-town sobriety.

I hate to sound so negative tonight, it's just that I am disillusioned with this town.

Here is my truth today.

I must keep my side of the street clean.

I must embrace and encourage others to be their full potential. Talk is CHEAP.

Thank God for the rooms of AA and for the people who continually show me how to do it.

Thank God I do this life my life depends on it.

today's sound choice is a fave from back in tha day- ramsey lewis and earth wind and fire with "sun goddess"

wave your hands in the air

one of the 4th step promises:

Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.

for the rest please see here

today i received a call from another addict who was struggling because he relapsed over the weekend and was trying to hide it from his parole officer. he is involved in our drug court system and he is in the final phases of that process. he was expected to drop a ua today, but was planning on skipping it and making an excuse to give.

he is involved in the 12 step process and he was calling from his sponsor's phone. i know him from meetings and have watched him grow from a place of complete addiction to someone who is reaching out after a relapse. for those of you who don't understand this, just this change in behavior is really huge because he is not trying to handle everything on his own and is using the fellowship to find a way to behavior change.

when we spoke, i asked him how his life had been these last few months using the tools and the suggestions of the fellowship. he indicated that it had been really good. i then asked him why he decided to change his habit of following those suggestions. he asked what i meant. i responded by asking him why he got high. he said he was lonely. i retorted by asking what the fellowship suggests for a person with less than a year. - working with others, going to meetings, finding gratitude. i pointed out that he had not used these options, but chose to find his own solution to his problem. and i asked how that worked for him. now he still feels lonely, but he's also got shit he feels like he has to hide. i also asked what kind of life he really wanted to live. it seemed to me that if he was trying to avoid jail, he might be doing a piss poor job because the guilt and shame he was living in seemed a lot like jail to me. i then had to hang up because i had to go to an interview.

i got a voicemail about 3 hours later from him thanking me for talking with him. he had spoken with his p.o. and come clean about the relapse. he also dropped his ua knowing it was dirty and he will go back in front of a judge on friday. not lying about who we are and where we are is one of the most important gifts of recovery. i think he's doing just fine.


this is a colorado band (flobots)that seems to be getting much national airplay these days. i think they are kinda funny and cool and this song is kinda bittersweet. they are a little reminiscent of cake (whom i really dig a lot).

help me, somebody

this is of those posts that i title because i want to use a particular song. this one hails from 1981 which was prime time for me and my partying days. i hadn't quite slipped into addiction yet and using really was only problematic periodically at most. this was also the time i stopped going to most gay bars in chicago because i thought gay men were becoming toxic- too much cattiness and bitchiness and very little support of others. in hindsight it makes sense that we had already started to make each other sick(literally).

the concept of asking for help is a fundamental building block of getting better. ego makes it so fucking difficult for us to actually humble ourselves enough to do this. but, if we can somehow, our lives will change. i have even heard people in the rooms say all they really did was finally find themselves hunched over and silently scream "help me".

the other "help" tidbit i love is to take a bar of soap and write "help" on the bathroom mirror every morning. h-e-l-p is an acronym for his ever-loving presence and then at the end of the day, wipe the letters off and give thanks to have gotten through another day.


this seemingly gargantuan act of asking for help is the key to unlock the door to the wonders of forgiveness and feeling better. try it. stay stuck if you insist, but please also know that there is help out there. and there are people who are living joyously and are gladly willing to share their abundance.

so i am getting ready to head back home today. and honestly, i know not what i will encounter. i know my situation needs to change. some of the platform i have anchored upon has shown to be toxic for me. i dare not remain involved. this could be enormously fear inducing and overwhelming.

but then there's faith. do i believe i am okay if everything falls apart? i have been sharing with java about my absorption of the book by that name and now is where the rubber meets the road. is it possible for me to not know what will happen and trust? can i have faith? can i trust myself? will i be brave enough to ask for help?

help me.... somebody...

this song is david byrne and bryan eno and is from an album titled "my life in the bush of ghosts". the whole collection is a good listen and quite ground breaking. they combined vocal recordings they had found with percussion and harmonic tracks that they composed to accompany them.

1981 really was a trip!