12 Stupid Things

I have decided to share the "12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery" by Dr. Allen Berger which are listed in his book of that title. I believe they are mostly true and that one can never have enough insight.

2nd Stupid Thing:

Believing Sobriety Will Fix Everything.
Recovery begins with breaking the bonds of addiction. But this is only the 1st step of a long journey. Recovery is ultimately about recovering our true, or spiritual, self.

For many, remaining clean and sober developing what page 85 refers to as a fit spiritual condition. The concept of spirituality is relevant and for good reason. Discovering and connecting to a spiritual force provides us with the strength and ability to remain clean and sober. This is attained through the development of humility.

The 12 step programs are designed to connect us with a power greater than ourselves. The 12 steps, followed in order and with a guide are systematically set up to lead us to humility and a right-sized place in the world. While the 12 steps provide us with an incredible formula for change, we have to do the work. We have to dig deep and confront ourselves as we have never done before.We will feel worse before we feel better and we need to give up on trying to find a softer, easier way.

garden party

a friend had a birthday party at his house on saturday evening and was kind enough to invite me. he turned 50 and he was celebrating. he is an amazing person in recovery and sponsors a good number of people who are trying to get clean. he has several years of clean time, is really somewhat of a mainstay in the gay recovery world, and i absolutely adore what he does for so many men.

i saw a whole lotta people who i haven't seen in awhile. i realized that i didn't really feel very comfortable in that crowd. i have become less entrenched in the world of meetings and i am not connected to very many of them. i am happy that so many are doing so well and getting clean, but i haven't shaken off my "counselor" skin yet and so i remain detached.

once i exchanged pleasantries with the birthday boy and shared a story or two, i then spent several minutes with another friend who is recovering from a bad fall and twisted ankles, and then i found myself ready to go. i had plans to go to see 3 mo' divas at the theatre. don't get me wrong, several wonderful people came up and said hello and asked how i was doing and i thoroughly enjoyed that. it was more that it was not easy to not know the true answer to "how i was". maybe it's a sign that i'm getting better. maybe it's a sign i have some growing to do.

i do know that i'm looking forward to a few more garden parties this summer. my friend keith is doing southern barbeque next monday for a sin gathering. and my 50th is going to be an outdoor to-do at the end of this summer. you are definitely invited if you like. labor day weekend- actually the saturday of that holiday weekend. i am looking forward to it. i hope i am a bit more comfortable at parties by then.

now here is an oldie. i found this site with a bit of trivia here. and you can find the entire lyrics here.

help me, somebody

this is of those posts that i title because i want to use a particular song. this one hails from 1981 which was prime time for me and my partying days. i hadn't quite slipped into addiction yet and using really was only problematic periodically at most. this was also the time i stopped going to most gay bars in chicago because i thought gay men were becoming toxic- too much cattiness and bitchiness and very little support of others. in hindsight it makes sense that we had already started to make each other sick(literally).

the concept of asking for help is a fundamental building block of getting better. ego makes it so fucking difficult for us to actually humble ourselves enough to do this. but, if we can somehow, our lives will change. i have even heard people in the rooms say all they really did was finally find themselves hunched over and silently scream "help me".

the other "help" tidbit i love is to take a bar of soap and write "help" on the bathroom mirror every morning. h-e-l-p is an acronym for his ever-loving presence and then at the end of the day, wipe the letters off and give thanks to have gotten through another day.


this seemingly gargantuan act of asking for help is the key to unlock the door to the wonders of forgiveness and feeling better. try it. stay stuck if you insist, but please also know that there is help out there. and there are people who are living joyously and are gladly willing to share their abundance.

so i am getting ready to head back home today. and honestly, i know not what i will encounter. i know my situation needs to change. some of the platform i have anchored upon has shown to be toxic for me. i dare not remain involved. this could be enormously fear inducing and overwhelming.

but then there's faith. do i believe i am okay if everything falls apart? i have been sharing with java about my absorption of the book by that name and now is where the rubber meets the road. is it possible for me to not know what will happen and trust? can i have faith? can i trust myself? will i be brave enough to ask for help?

help me.... somebody...

this song is david byrne and bryan eno and is from an album titled "my life in the bush of ghosts". the whole collection is a good listen and quite ground breaking. they combined vocal recordings they had found with percussion and harmonic tracks that they composed to accompany them.

1981 really was a trip!

brand new heavies

another day another post. it certainly has become part of my routine. i actually look forward to touching in with my own feelings and looking outward to share a little. it has been an integral part of my healing and it continues to be a blessing for me..

i find that my emotional tilt-a-whirl has become much more juvie with the addition of lithium and the subtraction of alcohol and other drugs. i am much more balanced, and much more even paced. not perfect, certainly, but definitely much more manageable.

i always talk about expecting good things to happen and to be open to surprise, but i often think it might just be patronizing and repeating things i have heard. i really can't say that i walk that walk.

i'm gonna be self indulgent for a minute (as if this process doesn't demonstrate that anyway). last night in a group i facilitate, the "clients" were all kinda acting weird when group was starting out. one guy's mother came to the clinic and she was hanging out. one of my coworkers was asking me lots of odd questions in my office just before group started. i thought, oh well- everyone's having a weird day, i might as well, too.

but no, the guys in group (my brand new heavies) have made a gesture to say thank you to me.(you can click on photo for better view. ps-i am not a photographer :p). it totally caught me by surprise. i teared up, but quickly said "you are not getting out of group tonight". we still have work to do. but they didn't care. nor did i. we had cake, we laughed, they cried a bit, and i am left numb. i never expected even anything remotely this kind and loving to happen. i am humbled and in awe. addicts don't think of others as a first course of action. they are too caught up in their own shit. and they have nothing to gain by making this effort. are they gay men being nice to each other? i wish i saw more of this, but today this will do. and i have a tear or two as i type this.

again, i repeat: miracles happen. people change. addicts are people and people recover. and i got to witness a miracle in process today. i've been high so many times in my life. but, this is a new high for me. i'm glad i have made it through to the next round.