there is a recurring theme for me in my recovery process. and perhaps it is a recurring theme in everyone's lives. i'm just not sure of that. that theme is faith. can i have faith that i will be okay? can i trust the universe to support me in my path? can i allow myself to go where life takes me, or do i need to control the road i am taking? these are constant questions for me and create a constant struggle.
i find that often i am in fear because of what could be, or what might not happen, or more intensely, failure. what if i fail? what if my plans don't work out? what if people don't want or need what i'm offering? thoughts such as these are circuitous, and cause me to stifle and freeze. i am aware that i don't desire these thoughts because even though they are somewhat grounding, they are also paralyzing. i get stuck on these thoughts and fear grows.
the processes of prayer and letting help, however, the questions often return. today i ask for the strength to find faith. to remember its support and believe in its process. while i let go of the belief that outcomes matter.
for a couple of the groups we offer at mile high meth project, we use a curriculum called "spiritual self schema" which was developed at yale university for injection drug users who may or may not have hiv. i love this particular protocol because it really offers some very practical insight into why we behave the way we do and how to make it possible to create change in our lives. it talks about the schema we develop as life goes on or the masks that we wear. how much of our behavior and our thoughts are only habits that we have developed over time in response to life. we can see ourselves as "faggots, or queers, or addicts, or brothers, or drunks, or perverts, or writers, or criminals, or people with problems" because that has become our experience.
but truthfully any of these labels are simply masks we wear to present ourselves to the world. beneath all of these labels resides the spiritual self, the "true" self. everyone has a spiritual nature, but we have abandoned that part of ourselves and put our energy into one or more of the other masks we wear. and we always have the option of going to the core self- this spiritual self- and nourishing that part in order to grow. the more we feed the spiritual self, the true our purpose becomes, the clearer our intentions become, and the more visible our spiritual path becomes. we can relearn to honor this spiritual self by teaching our mind new habit patterns. one is to learn about meditation- especially meditation on the in and out breath. when we can teach ourselves to look inward regularly, we can also learn how to respond to life with different reactions completely apart from the ones we have developed and cling to presently.
i love this concept. i am putting effort into following this plan in my own life. it is not so simple, but i am worth the effort. it relieves me often from trapping myself into reacting to situations with old behaviors that used to be automatic reactions to most situations. i can pause more easily and try to take action or make a move that will be much less painful and much less damaging to my journey.
i can remember i am a spiritual being and i have a spiritual path. i need to remember this in order to go forward in a direction that follows this path. when i am able to pause and ask myself, is what i am thinking, doing, or saying in line with my spiritual path, i can more easily keep my self in check and on that path.
Today is gonna be the day That they're gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now
For pop star Fergie, life is good. A platinum album, movie deals, and a makeup contract. But there was a time when she could hardly leave the house, let alone imagine being a celebrity.
In a revealing interview with Allure, Fergie talks about overcoming her addiction to crystal meth:
"I had chemically induced paranoid schizophrenia," she says. "At one point I gave myself an ultimatum, because I was absolutely sure the FBI and a SWAT team were coming for me. I said, 'OK, if you walk through that door and they're not out there, then it's the drugs.'"
After a couple years, Fergie realized her choice was sobriety or a mental institution. So she went through therapy, attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings, and got a grip.
Joining the Black Eyed Peas in 2002 was healing. The combination of founder will.i.am's infectious music and Fergie's killer performance as the lead singer catapulted the quirky hip-hop group to mainstream superstardom.
Performing and dancing is only part of Fergie's fitness routine. She does some form of exercise daily -- walking on a steep upgrade, sit-ups, push-ups, stomach crunches; she's thinking of taking a course in pole dancing, which is "a really good workout" she says.
Although she admits she loves to flirt, Fergie loves being monogamous with boyfriend Josh Duhamel. Last Valentine's Day while on tour, Duhamel flew out to see her. "While we were at dinner, he had the room lit with candles, and rose petals all over the bed," she recalls. "We had champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, whipped cream. It was very romantic."
Marriage, children? She thinks so. But right now, there is the prospect of more endorsements, more movies -- she had a small role in the "Planet Terror" part of the "Grindhouse" double feature, and is keen on expanding into romantic comedies.
all i really need to say here is that i believe recovery works. getting clean can mean a return to living. it is commendable. it is applaudable. it is a great act to follow. it can look great on you.
This morning President Bush vetoed the FY 2008 Labor/HHS appropriations bill as expected. See AP story below. This bill spans most of the federally funded AIDS programs (Ryan White Program, CDC HIV Prevention, SAMHSA, NIH, etc.). This is very sad news, especially since the bill had bipartisan support. Congress is expected to pass another Continuing Resolution effective through mid-December.
Bush vetoes health and education bill
Associated Press - Tuesday, November 13, 2007
By JENNIFER LOVEN, Associated Press Writer 11 minutes ago
President Bush on Tuesday vetoed a spending measure for health and education programs prized by congressional Democrats. He also signed a big increase in the Pentagon's non-war budget.
The president's action was announced on Air Force One as Bush flew to Indiana for a speech expected to criticize the Democratic-led Congress on its budget priorities.
More than any other spending bill, the $606 billion education and health measure defines the differences between Bush and majority Democrats. The House fell three votes short of winning a veto-proof margin as it sent the measure to Bush.
Rep. David Obey, the Democratic chairman of the House Appropriations Committee, pounced immediately on Bush's veto.
"This is a bipartisan bill supported by over 50 Republicans," Obey said. "There has been virtually no criticism of its contents. It is clear the only reason the president vetoed this bill is pure politics."
Since winning re-election, Bush has sought to cut the labor, health and education measure below the prior year level. But lawmakers have rejected the cuts. The budget that Bush presented in February sought almost $4 billion in cuts to this year's bill.
Democrats responded by adding $10 billion to Bush's request for the 2008 bill. Democrats say spending increases for domestic programs are small compared with Bush's pending war request totaling almost $200 billion.
The $471 billion defense budget gives the Pentagon a 9 percent, $40 billion budget increase. The measure only funds core department operations, omitting Bush's $196 billion request for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, except for an almost $12 billion infusion for new troop vehicles that are resistant to roadside bombs.
Much of the increase in the defense bill is devoted to procuring new and expensive weapons systems, including $6.3 billion for the next-generation F-35 Joint Strike Fighter, $2.8 billion for the Navy's DD(X) destroyer and $3.1 billion for the new Virginia-class attack submarine.
Huge procurement costs are driving the Pentagon budget ever upward. Once war costs are added in, the total defense budget will be significantly higher than during the typical Cold War year, even after adjusting for inflation.
hey gee dub and y'all- don't worry, 'cuz the kidz are allright!
i want to be perfectly clear that there is artistic license at work here. this is completely a tongue-in-cheek post!
i was sitting in a meeting in ptown on Saturday with members of this fellowship from miami, new york, atlanta, la, chicago, boston, and denver. there was definitely something extremely expansive about this. I guess I just haven’t been to very many meetings which have more of a national flavor to them. i was able to really understand that similarities are more common than i believed. men from all those cities shared that relapse is still very much a part of our stories, and that many men take refuge in other fellowships because of the references to the drug and to the sexual activities as well as the prevalence of relapse being triggers. this is so easy to see now.
it was framed quite nicely at this meeting though. a very pleasant guy from nyc shared that the share-day that happened in nyc over the summer had been quite successful and had expanded the possibilities for our fellowship. and someone else chimed in that we are not failing as a fellowship. we are still fledgling. we are just where the original 12step fellowship was in 1941, trying to find its place and establish its foothold. this is also completely reassuring to me personally. i find it difficult sometimes to see beyond the very few meetings established. especially when it is compared to the number of articles and news stories I see and hear about in the press about the increase in meth use all over the globe. directly across from me in the room was a mural depicting the mayflower landing in ptown before it’s arrival at Plymouth. and it struck me as fitting somehow, sitting in this room with these men. all travelling to a new place seeking a freedom they hadn’t had where they were, arriving at a new place and trying to make a home for themselves and perhaps for others. trying to make their way in a new land. so i say, we are pilgrims, we are adventurers, we are travelers, we are explorers. and we are charting new territory and trying to make a new home. freedom, peace of mind, spiritual growth, and happiness are the rewards we seek. hopefully we will leave a portion of the blueprint necessary for the gay men to follow us in this life. a blueprint for happiness and freedom from self-hatred, internalized homophobia and self-medication.
photographs are taken by joachim baldauf and published in der subjektive mann a study of the male form available at www.printkultur.de
i just got off the phone with my sponsor. i love talking with him. he is so supportive of my efforts and always has such perceptive things to add to some of my quandaries and challenges. we discussed my decision to pour beer at a fundraiser. the part he focused on was not my concerns about the possible ramifications, but more on the fact that i prayed on the question before i made a decision. and honestly, this is a practice i have taken on since i have been taken under his wing on my journey back to life.
we also discussed the upcoming cape cod trip and he asked me again about my sexual and relationship ideal. this is a part of step four that most times seems to get overlooked. he stressed that this is an imperative if a guy is to have some direction when he is in the field. if i don't know what i'm looking for in some specific framework, i am likely to get sidetracked and perhaps even jump the tracks i'm travelling on.
this may all seem a bit dramatic and over-the-top. maybe it is. i don't buy that though. i think it must be sound thinking. i have attempted to use the pheromone technique of mate selection for a long time. i haven't really had very fruitful (or even thoughtful) results. i would like to see change happen in this area of my life. truth be told, i have not actually sat down and drawn out a description of my ideal. i did try, but i couldn't do it. i have balked at the exercise because i have trouble thinking i deserve happiness. i have honest deep seated feelings of inadequacy and lesser value. this is not dramatic. this is a square-in-the-face look at my own situation.
so i know that trusting my instinct doesn't work for me around this part of my life. i know that my first feelings are not a healthy resting place for my self reflection. but they have resided there for so long like refugees in the mountains. it might be time to flush them out. i need change in my life. i need to make this journey personally, so i can understand the challenge for others. i need to believe in myself. and i hope to carry this message with me. i now know firsthand that these difficult and heartbreaking and life altering quests that we endure and survive, can actually transform our thinking and our hearts into gentle giants with comparison to our former selves. i believe this is a journey worth taking. i trust it is an adventure. i hope it leads to transformation.
in the spirit of page 69 (gotta love it!) i lifted this from misery is optional
Sexual Conduct
The Big Book tells us on page 69 that we all have sex problems and that we wouldn't be human if we didn't. Nevertheless, some people may wonder why it is necessary to examine our sex conduct in order to get over alcoholism. First reason is that many of us have feelings of guilt and shame connected with past conduct and with thoughts that run through our heads in connection with sex. Guilt and shame are resentments against ourselves and so we must write these down as we do other resentments as part of our step 4. We are told on page 75 that we must illuminate every dark cranny of the past and reveal each one to a trusted person in order to get over our drinking. We are also given the good news: that as result of this process we can finally look the world in the eye.
However, we must go further still. Even if we initially feel no guilt or shame, we must look for those occasions when, as the Big Book says, "we had been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate; hurtful -- and where we had aroused jealousy, bitterness and suspicion." We had to be thorough here too. In fact we are told that we must subject each relation (that is, each sexual act) to this test. We had to be as fearless and thorough about this part of our moral inventory as any other. We start looking at past behaviour in a new light. Did we use someone for sex? If so, it is selfish. The fact that the other person willingly goes along with the arrangement does not necessarily alter the fact that it is selfish. It might be a case of two people cynically using each other. Even if we couldn't say that our conduct was selfish, we had to ask ourselves was it even inconsiderate? Here's another situation: in heterosexual sex whatever precautions are taken, there is always some chance of the creation of human life. We had to be considerate, in line with what the Big Book tells us, and consider whether or not we would behave lovingly or selfishly towards that newly created human life?
Later on, as part of Step 5, we give an account of our secret thoughts to our sponsors. Many revealed things to our sponsors that we had never told anyone before. (This is applicable also to all our darkest thoughts, not just those of a sexual nature). To be told that nobody can help the thoughts that pop into their heads and to discover that we were not the only ones who think like this is a great relief. In fact despite all that we had revealed, many of us were told that we were just "pretty average alcoholics".
It is through this process that we have started to look at our past sex conduct in a new light, and we can start to form an idea of what will be the best approach in our future sex conduct - the book calls this a sane and sound ideal. We must be prepared to try to work towards this ideal in the future. We can rest easy that however many times we fall short, as long as we continue to try, we will not drink. However, if we are not prepared at least to try to change, and our sex conduct continues to harm others, we are told categorically that we are quite sure to drink. This warning tells us why this part of our inventory is so important.
We are told that counsel with persons is often desirable here and we found our sponsors invaluable in directing us to these questions in accordance with what the Big Book says and helping us to analyse each situation properly. We were inclined to hide bad motive behind good in this area more than any other and an objective viewpoint from our sponsors helped us to cut through that. In the final analysis though, each individual must answer these questions honestly for themselves. We sometimes we hear that no one can judge our sex situation, but in fact this is not quite true and we are not left completely to ourselves. The Big Book tells us that there is a judge: God. As the book says: God alone can judge our sex situation.
I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind There was something so pleasant about that place. Even your emotions have an echo In so much space
And when you're out there Without care, Yeah, I was out of touch But it wasn't because I didn't know enough I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Probably
Gnarls Barkley
i wonder how much time put of my day i spend not based in reality. i mean, i know that i fantasize a bit about this guy or that guy every day. there's a middle eastern hottie in my building that melts my butter every day as i walk by his desk. i know that i fantasize about this thing or that thing(like developing a career in public speaking and having the money to redo my kitchen and bath). and i know i touch my tummy many times during the day with the intention of rubbing it down to nothing. i also know that i spend a small amount of time checking my phone and my email to see if i have received any updates.
all this is exhausting and this isn't even my day. this is just my fantasizing and my worrying and thinking about things that aren't even there. i guess i'm crazy. i wonder if there is anyone actually looking for a lunatic. i know there are people who end up with them, but i wonder if there are any worthwhile men who are actually looking for a nutball. so i am putting it out into the universe that i am open to a new phase in my life. this might come in the form of a relationship and could easily be at once crazy and wholesome, kinetic and calming, yin and yang, sweet and salty. you know, it's definitely crazy, because i go out to nowhere that i might actually meet someone else, other than thru my work. well, that's not completely true. but i like to fantasize that i'm a hermit and a shut-in. both of those are such a great mechanism for drama. crazy, certifiable.
oh, and i'd love for that to be delivered to my home address please.
i haven't had the pleasure of meeting him yet, but i definitely have heard him speak. his stories reflect an insanity that probably surpasses mine and most of the tweakers i have known. i found this interview from 2006 while i was research on him for a project i'm working on. the tone of his story and the arc of his life are familiar and a thing of beauty. he has been to hell and he talks freely of his journey there and back. i believe the more people become willing to share their experiences around coming back from hell, the greater the possibility of these miracles will seem achievable. and redemption is not only possible, but definitely worth the effort. change can seem elusive, but it is really not at all like avalon. it does exist. it is real. it can be grounded and stable and permanent. but first you do have to believe, or have no other options available.
Leslie Jordan Tells All by Robert Urban, August 21, 2006
With a penchant for effete, high-camp one-liners delivered in his trademark Tennessee twang, the diminutive Leslie Jordan (at 4 feet 11 inches tall) may be best known as Mr. Beverly Leslie, Karen Walker's uppity little nemesis on Will & Grace. But Jordan, who is openly gay, has been mincing his way into America's heart since 1982, and has hundreds of commercials, sitcom, voice over and movie roles to his credit.
His many other television appearances include spots on Murphy Brown, Lois & Clark, Dharma & Greg, Ellen, Star Trek: Voyager and even Pee-wee's Playhouse. His film work includes appearances in such oddities as Farm Sluts (2003), Frankenstein General Hospital (1988) and Jason Goes to Hell:The Final Friday (1993).
Jordan's successful stage career includes his award-winning role of Preston “Peanut” Leroy, the pathetic, aging gay barfly in director/playwright Del Shores' Southern Baptist Sissies. He also created the role of Brother Boy, the institutionalized, Tammy Wynette-obsessed cross-dresser in Del Shores' Sordid Lives.
for more of this article from afterelton click here
another day another post. it certainly has become part of my routine. i actually look forward to touching in with my own feelings and looking outward to share a little. it has been an integral part of my healing and it continues to be a blessing for me..
i find that my emotional tilt-a-whirl has become much more juvie with the addition of lithium and the subtraction of alcohol and other drugs. i am much more balanced, and much more even paced. not perfect, certainly, but definitely much more manageable.
i always talk about expecting good things to happen and to be open to surprise, but i often think it might just be patronizing and repeating things i have heard. i really can't say that i walk that walk.
i'm gonna be self indulgent for a minute (as if this process doesn't demonstrate that anyway). last night in a group i facilitate, the "clients" were all kinda acting weird when group was starting out. one guy's mother came to the clinic and she was hanging out. one of my coworkers was asking me lots of odd questions in my office just before group started. i thought, oh well- everyone's having a weird day, i might as well, too.
but no, the guys in group (my brand new heavies) have made a gesture to say thank you to me.(you can click on photo for better view. ps-i am not a photographer :p). it totally caught me by surprise. i teared up, but quickly said "you are not getting out of group tonight". we still have work to do. but they didn't care. nor did i. we had cake, we laughed, they cried a bit, and i am left numb. i never expected even anything remotely this kind and loving to happen. i am humbled and in awe. addicts don't think of others as a first course of action. they are too caught up in their own shit. and they have nothing to gain by making this effort. are they gay men being nice to each other? i wish i saw more of this, but today this will do. and i have a tear or two as i type this.
again, i repeat: miracles happen. people change. addicts are people and people recover. and i got to witness a miracle in process today. i've been high so many times in my life. but, this is a new high for me. i'm glad i have made it through to the next round.
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.
Gilda Radner
good call gilda. thanks for sharing. there are so many levels of truth to this statement. the most simplest of which is the mere fact that as i get older, i realize how much less i know than i thought. i seem to understand more that i really know less and i am more comfortable in the unknowing.
i think when i was much younger i felt as if i knew quite a bit. but life has demonstrated a tradition of revealing what could be considered blows to my ego. things i never expected and was not at all ready to even consider came my way. and i couldn't believe my eyes most times, let alone handle or walk through these wakemares.
but mishandle and stumble through this life is what i have done. with the grace of a bull in a china shop, with the finesse of a butcher in surgery, and with the understanding of a neanderthal in a library, i have fucked up a lot a whole lot of things. and i have done this over and over again. i didn't do that with everything, but certainly with enough situations to cause fear and trauma and eventual humility. and my acceptance and understanding of this process has grown.
so you'd think after all these mishaps in the span of my years, that i would have a complete handle on my inability to really understand anything about life. but not so. i still find myself struggling to pigeonhole a situation, an encounter, a transaction, a conversation, a first impression. and many times there is validity in my perception. but mostly, i am surprised as time reveals more truths.
so i must too concede, i can't know it all. as the experience of life mellows me, i find i'm becoming more okay with that fact. i expect surprise and can be delighted. even better, i'm not so disappointed at regular intervals, either. for any of the readers who are struggling with sobriety, or staying clean, or making a conscious life change of any sort, let me share this bit of my experience with you. i have worked diligently at embracing change. i have pursued options. i have suited up and shown up whenever possible. i have doused the flames of my ego at every possible turn when i could catch it. and it is different. i don't know who i am sometimes which is both a curse and a blessing. delicious ambiguity. i can look myself in the mirror. i am developing trust in myself again. i am asking for help. and i am expecting surprise. this is truly a state of grace for me. i don't know why this is, and i'm okay with that. i'm content in not knowing.
so the question is, can we as a community, or a queer nation, as it were, begin to have conversations around what we believe to be healthy? is it okay for some of us to hate watching our brothers spin out on tweak and not say anything? and is it okay to say something if we hate it? can we allow ourselves the space to have our concerns and express them? and can we allow you to have your space while we really don't like what you do? i don't know the answers to this. in a perfect world, i would think yes. but what is our true nature? i wonder if we know more than we give ourselves credit for and we can do more, much more, than we conceive.
in boston and in san francisco, the newest campaign to reduce the meth damage is to enlist ourselves to educate and promote thoughtful decision making. will this take us to a place of more understanding? or will it become more divisive?
from bay windows of boston:
Last month Fenway Community Health's New Champions, a federally funded program working to combat crystal meth addiction, launched its second major phase, debuting its Resist Meth ad campaign and holding its second training for men to learn how to do outreach in the community and talk about meth use and addiction. New Champions, a collaboration between Fenway, AIDS Action Committee, and the Latin American Health Institute, is one of 10 programs around the country receiving crystal meth prevention money from a grant through the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSA), but among those programs it is the only one focused on confronting meth addiction within the gay male community. Jed Barnum, program manager for New Champions, said the other programs receiving the SAMSA meth grant focus on other populations such as children, youth in the juvenile justice system and Native Americans. The program managers share information through conference calls and meet at conferences held twice each year, and Barnum said the New Champions program has been able to provide those other programs with a new perspective because of the unique patterns of meth addiction in the gay male community. He said representing a gay-focused program has allowed him to advocate for a focus on the links between sex and meth use in the programs' approach to tracking meth use.
"It's allowed us to advocate for questions around sexual behavior that might be tricky to do in other cases," said Barnum.
and it seems as if san francisco is following suit:
I don't touch meth but know where to get it. It seems that Castro Street in San Francisco is awash in the crystalline powder, with every twink in town all tweaked out on it and engaging in wild sex orgies and spreading HIV. So the self-proclaimed LBGTFHZ leadership has decreed that this is a community crisis and has begun a propaganda campaign to re-educate the twinked-out masses to resist crystal meth.
There were "Resist Meth" posters everywhere, with an image reminiscent of a 1950s-era Soviet propaganda poster depicting a worker promoting the the socialist revolution, and the inspiring slogan "resist meth" that is sure to re-educate the proles. There was another propaganda poster depicting some sort of crystal meth board game, and a headline in the gay Bay Area Reporter rag that declared that crystal meth use has "plateued" and that the re-education campaign should start to reduce use soon.
BTW, on the train home yesterday there was someone who appeared to be on crystal meth, though not obviously gay. He just kept walking back and forth through the cars with a dazed look on his face and he didn't look like a disheveled homeless person (yet), so I assumed he was on meth.
hi my name is warrior scout and i am an addict. i have said these words countless times over the last few years. and they have become a mantra of sorts for me. i need never forget where meth has taken me. it doesn't seem an issue today, because grace has delivered me from the hell i knew with tina, but really it wasn't so long ago when i struggled with even being able to say that phrase-"i am an addict". i guess it took a long time to let go of the idea of using successfully again. i think i had held the concept that i can get high when i want to for so long that it just took some time to reverse that. i no longer believe that meth is within my grasp.
what became hard for awhile after that was the lack of sexual activity that happened when not using meth. i mean, i had engaged in so much sex with so many people that to cut that out was completely like science fiction in its immediate disappearance and i was then left to look at my relationship with casual sex in its entirity. like it or not, that is really a bit like castration for a gay man. i mean, most gay men are intrinsically linked to their sexual prowess and are advocates for the casual encounter. but, i don't have to be concerned with the rest of gay men. only me. and i still really dig sex, i just no longer want to have it anonymously, or for no reason other than itself, or in place of conversation.
but one of the really strange rings of fire to walk through in the gay community is to be in recovery and remain vitally gay. i mean socially gay, and sexually gay, and politically gay. self medication is a gay past-time and is the norm in our world. at least in the cities. to be a gay man in recovery is a quirk. you are immediately separate from the pack. and it takes some courage to walk thru that fear. especially when your choice of abstinence may trigger fear and paranoia in another self medicating queer. and hurt feelings may ensue.
i am hoping somehow to help create a bridge for recovery in our community, at least here in denver. i want to normalize letting go of partying and putting one's life in order. i think it's a highly motivated, life affirming type of action to engage in. i hope the gay men's community can agree someday. and i hope i can assist others in this quest.
since i just did the post about character defects, i thought that i would start with my most garish and prevalent defect - internalized homophobia - which translates to self hatred and self criticism. it is definitely my nemesis. it has fueled many of my destructive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. i am a sissy. indeed, i can't tell you why, really. i can give you reasons, or excuses, about the way i was raised, about the things i endured growing up, about why i act like a sissy, or talk like a sissy (as far as i know, i don't walk like a sissy, although i certainly can if the need arises).
this singular yet extremely complicated part of my being, though, is one of the most polarizing in my community. if i were to ask most gay men what they found attractive in other gay men, this particular trait would never be on the top ten of any list. as a matter of fact, it would be at the bottom five of a huge percentage. and in reality, it really is not at the top of my list either. more likely, it is at the bottom of mine, too. so it is something i completely understand and identify with. but, can you understand my conundrum? be proud, while i hate part of myself.
funny, i am almost humiliated just typing this, knowing i may actually publish it. but if i am ready to have god remove all my character defects, i have to be willing, really willing. the truly stinging aspect to all of this is not that i am a sissy. i am clear on that. it is that i am judgemental. it is that i can despise and loathe-no matter what it is- and i guess i really do.
so when i say i am ready to have god remove all these defects of character, it has to include my homophobia. i cringe when i think about asking for anything around this item, to be honest. my own homophobia is so deeply a part of my core protection. how do i let it go? this is the poison that kills so many of my contemporaries. this is the gay man's achilles heel. this causes us to attack each other, to lose our footing, to step away from who we really are. i guess i had better go to my bathroom mirror and ask for H-E-L-P again. well, i may have to be a little more willing first.
here's one thing i know. sissies, along with drag queens and stone butch dykes were hugely instrumental in securing the actual freedoms we take for granted today. they were the ones that were being beaten up with regularity and subsequently fought back, went to jail, and came right back outa jail for more. it appears that culturally, we have repaid these ground breakers by enjoying the fruits of their labor and pushing them to the outsides of the pack allowing them to be picked off by the wolves more easily. or is it just really hoping they will protect us? exactly what does that rainbow flag stand for anyway? is there just not a color for sissies? well maybe there is when it's time for us to laugh.
am i ready to have this defect in the form of judgement removed? i hope so. i really am tired of it. and i don't see how it's serving me at all. and if we can't learn to stop hating ourselves, how can we expect others to stop? evidently, homophobia (internalized and otherwise) must stop with me.
this clip is a little over 6 minutes. i realize this is a huge amount of time for bloggers or anyone else these days. but it immediately tugged at my heart. i loved the film when it was released, and now i remember why. it was reminiscent of my own boyhood in some respects. i'm sure you'll understand if you can stick with it.
sunday, while driving back from winter park, i was listening to a recording of a speaker from the florida roundup 2005 and i got an additional aha. he was talking about spending his fortune(and he had been making a LOT of money) on some cowboy daddy for the four years prior to his bottoming out and getting into 12 step. the cowboy had taught him how to shoot up meth and then he spent the next four years basically spending through his money trying to keep the guy from running out on him while he tried to stay high. he had been jailed 5 times, had ruined his career and had been shot by a crossbow by this cowboy(who is currently in prison for attempted murder). cleaning up i hope.
as i listened to him speak about being addicted to this man as well as being addicted to meth, i realized that there are real similarities for me. i was not addicted to any particular man, but i was addicted to a ritual. a sexual ritual, one that i had been repeating over and over for years, with no real concern about the person who it was with. as long as the ritual stayed the same and took place, it didn't really matter who it was. treating men like kleenex or handi-wipes. tricks. this is the thing that has stood out for me from my earlier 4th step, and has kept me numb for the year since i worked that step. i cannot really imagine myself beyond that point.
i know that they say that to forgive oneself is the beginning of the healing, but i never thought i would be able to get to that point. this weekend retreat has indeed helped me to see that i was (and still am) sick and could not help myself. i was doing the best that i could and the only thing i knew how to do. and now i have the opportunity to let go of that behavior and change my motives. i need to take action. the caution here for me is that i have told myself so many times over the years that i would never do certain things again. i told myself i would never have a hangover like that again. i would never drink and drive again i would never miss work again. i would never shoot up again. i would never put myself in those dangerous situations again. and yet i found myself engaged in those very activities with regularity. and i am having difficulty finding trust for myself around this. if i cannot let go of this mindset and this behavior that i have grown beyond, then how can i be free? how can i make room for something better in my life? i engaged in behaviors this past weekend that are not in line with my ideal, and the hook for me was that "sex as validation" piece. i was almost driven to it as if i had been hypnotised. is it all i think i can do? is it all i think i deserve? i know i am ready to try something different, but how?
and because i don't know how to make this change, or where to start, i am going to employ another idea from this speaker's message. take a bar of soap and write H-E-L-P on my bathroom mirror and everyday when i shave, i can read it and remember -
His Ever Lasting Presence
and ask for help from that presence on a daily basis. and at night go into the bathroom and say thank you if i have gotten through another day. i have seen enough miracles in my own life to accept that there is a power greater than me at work. i just always forget that it is okay to ask for help when i don't know what to do next. and you know, i think that help may already be on the way. after all, there is the power of intention that i have come to believe in so well.
i would love to make available online this speaker's recording, but haven't figured out how to do it. i don't want to make it available to everyone, but would love to send it to interested parties. so if you can help me work out how to do this- please get in touch.
these are the years i spent. and this is what they represent. and this is what's in my head. and this is how i feel.
well the final brunch at the rocky mountain roundup 2007 has come and gone, as well as the final speaker meeting. today's speaker was emily and she was the most inspirational for me. she spoke of medicating through sexual abuse and the wreckage left beyond that. and she spoke of learning to accept the situations that life handed her and learning to love herself because of it. and her honesty gave me the permission to reflect on own life with honesty and tenderness. and i cried a little.
i danced like a true warrior on saturday evening for an hour at least. it was quite tribal and very cleansing for myself and many of my brothers and sisters. there was a reason to celebrate and so we did. and i danced. and i met a friend and he offered a gift to me during my personal work on my relationship ideal, just as the power of intention would have it. and it was impromptu. it was sweet. and it was humbling.
at the hiv/hep c in recovery workshop, i listened with compassion as a woman spoke of her brother who has dementia and is probably nearing his last days. she loves to come to men's meetings as her lesbian counterparts don't have the same compassion for someone care taking one living with aids. i know she needed to release her fear and frustration and i was proud to be a part of a space that let her do so.
i led the hike-to meeting this morning and so went up another 1/2 mile and sat in the woods and talked about "the promises". eric from dallas spoke about his guarded disappointment upon his arrival in winter park as the hotel seemed lackluster. he then spoke of his own judgements being way off the mark, as this roundup had completely rejuvenated his idea of what the program has to offer him. he cried as he talked about his fears of going back to his day-to-day life and leaving the spectacular backdrop of winter park and arapahoe national forest. i cried like a baby as he surrendered his fears of speaking his truth.
indeed i am sincerely amazed at the blessings i have in my life. i no longer have to feel about myself, the way i felt before i found this sweet surrender. i no longer have to stay stuck in thinking the horrible horrible thoughts i had grown accustomed to. i am changing. and i am grateful for the opportunity. there is hope. if someone like me can change and find hope, anyone can.
just came from a sex, dating, and recovery workshop at the roundup. of course, it raised a few questions for me. the truth of the matter is that i am to be working on my relationship and sexual ideal and so this was certainly appropriate.
i have not been able grasp the concept of what i want, because i had never considered it. there's a line from "jane says" that goes.. "jane says... she doesn't know what love is... she only knows when someone wants her.... i'm really embarrassed to say that on many levels, this rings true for me. it speaks to me on the "sex as validation" level. and that would translate to low self esteem. and that brings me to one of the thoughts provoked by the workshop: the egomaniac with low self esteem. god- you mean i am not the only perv who has these issues?
so how do i consider an ideal when i have no concept beyond this validation cycle? although i am actively trying to move past this behavior, i no longer want to feel that i must be desired to be okay. how do i think about an ideal and not get confused about what i want, what i fantasize about, what i know is unrealistic, and what i need?
one thing that is coming clear is that i am not set on exactly what i want, but some things are coming into focus. i want to be able to be myself with someone. and not feel embarrassed because i'm me. and i want to want to be honest. not forced to be honest, but compelled to be honest. i need to be supported and be expected to be supportive. and you know, it would be fantastic if i was needed. i honestly believe that if those things were in place, coupled with a great sense of fun, laughter, and community service, my inner light would shine much brighter. and for me, the sex part could develop and grow(with nourishment and care). with sex, the old version of "hot" is no longer a huge priority for me.....it has changed and intimacy has moved forward.
