Animation Virus

i googled gay crystal meth recovery while online last night and i came across this site.


please take the time to read for a moment: twacked



it's kinda eerie for me. it's almost like an episode of the twilight zone (which i loved btw.) we could be witnessing the last place on earth this being was before they were lifted off into the 4400 of meth use. i suppose it's wrong of me to assume that it's a relapse, but that's the first place my mind went. even considering the posts about his condition and the color of his urine. i hope i'm wrong for his sake and i pray he's okay. i certainly would be happy to be incorrect. i especially relate to his inability to make the keyboard work. that was so very very much a part of my tweaking dilemma. i couldn't remember how to operate the simple aspects of a computer. i used to spend so much of my time trying to figure out how to close a screen window because i always wanted to open it again to make sure i could close it again.

one time i called sbc who was my isp at the time and told the help desk(at about 2am) that i was hearing voices from my modem. he said things like: "you don't say" and "hmmm, can't imagine what that is." i had a whole screenplay written in my head ( i was always writing screenplays in my head) about a new virus which was taking over the world (a la "what's so bad about feeling good?"). It was actually a computer generated virus that would infect through the skin and people would become cartoons and inanimate objects would suddenly become animated. of course it was to be called Animation Virus. catchy eh?

meth use causes lack of sleep. and lack of sleep causes hallucinations, both visual and auditory, and even psychoses. it is very common in tweakers to go days without sleeping and start hearing and seeing things that they believe are completely real. and there is no way you can convince them of anything else. and even in early recovery some residual hallucinations and emotional discharges are likely. it's not easy to come down off meth. it takes some patience and it takes some overseeing.

omg- watching this shit really gives me chills. it depicts precisely how i used to spend many, many, many of my days. my chat box was always on with someone on an m4m site, though.

twacked

i had forgotten this clip. this is my brain on tina.

dear god-

i can't go back there. please don't let me. there's no way i'll survive.

warrior scout

h e l p

sunday, while driving back from winter park, i was listening to a recording of a speaker from the florida roundup 2005 and i got an additional aha. he was talking about spending his fortune(and he had been making a LOT of money) on some cowboy daddy for the four years prior to his bottoming out and getting into 12 step. the cowboy had taught him how to shoot up meth and then he spent the next four years basically spending through his money trying to keep the guy from running out on him while he tried to stay high. he had been jailed 5 times, had ruined his career and had been shot by a crossbow by this cowboy(who is currently in prison for attempted murder). cleaning up i hope.

as i listened to him speak about being addicted to this man as well as being addicted to meth, i realized that there are real similarities for me. i was not addicted to any particular man, but i was addicted to a ritual. a sexual ritual, one that i had been repeating over and over for years, with no real concern about the person who it was with. as long as the ritual stayed the same and took place, it didn't really matter who it was. treating men like kleenex or handi-wipes. tricks. this is the thing that has stood out for me from my earlier 4th step, and has kept me numb for the year since i worked that step. i cannot really imagine myself beyond that point.

i know that they say that to forgive oneself is the beginning of the healing, but i never thought i would be able to get to that point. this weekend retreat has indeed helped me to see that i was (and still am) sick and could not help myself. i was doing the best that i could and the only thing i knew how to do. and now i have the opportunity to let go of that behavior and change my motives. i need to take action. the caution here for me is that i have told myself so many times over the years that i would never do certain things again. i told myself i would never have a hangover like that again. i would never drink and drive again i would never miss work again. i would never shoot up again. i would never put myself in those dangerous situations again. and yet i found myself engaged in those very activities with regularity. and i am having difficulty finding trust for myself around this. if i cannot let go of this mindset and this behavior that i have grown beyond, then how can i be free? how can i make room for something better in my life? i engaged in behaviors this past weekend that are not in line with my ideal, and the hook for me was that "sex as validation" piece. i was almost driven to it as if i had been hypnotised. is it all i think i can do? is it all i think i deserve? i know i am ready to try something different, but how?


and because i don't know how to make this change, or where to start, i am going to employ another idea from this speaker's message. take a bar of soap and write H-E-L-P on my bathroom mirror and everyday when i shave, i can read it and remember -

His Ever Lasting Presence

and ask for help from that presence on a daily basis. and at night go into the bathroom and say thank you if i have gotten through another day. i have seen enough miracles in my own life to accept that there is a power greater than me at work. i just always forget that it is okay to ask for help when i don't know what to do next. and you know, i think that help may already be on the way. after all, there is the power of intention that i have come to believe in so well.

i would love to make available online this speaker's recording, but haven't figured out how to do it. i don't want to make it available to everyone, but would love to send it to interested parties. so if you can help me work out how to do this- please get in touch.

these are the years i spent. and this is what they represent. and this is what's in my head. and this is how i feel.

house of flying daggers

i am expressing something personal today. i certainly hope you will bear with me.


god does not create junk.

my sponsor has been having me write this as well as say this repeatedly since we started working together. and now i realize that he has helped me develop an amazing coping mechanism for my life. this is important because that phrase addresses the perspective i find myself returning to with regularity. in my life, i have become so accustomed to believing that i am without worth, or that someone is going to take advantage of me, that even in sobriety i find myself returning to that pattern. i am not sure if it because of the trauma i lived through growing up,( repeated sexual abuse followed by ridicule and shame from many of the male peers in my life), or because i am missing some main ingredient that is handed out when creation happens. i would imagine the former has something to do with my own brand of insanity.

dennis cooper wrote a book titled "the tenderness of the wolves" and i think that accurately applies to me at times. i am vicious to myself, almost to the point of chewing my own foot to free myself from a trap. this is because i have been trapped and i have memories of and recoil into this only too vividly on occasions when it is not necessarily appropriate or beneficial. but there's memory of fear and so i react to it. and then i bite, and scratch, and tear at myself with these junk thoughts almost savagely at times. i think the clinical term is post-traumatic stress disorder. i call it hell.

this is one reason why i am required to reiterate often, that god does not create junk and that whatever shortcomings i may perceive myself to possess do indeed have a purpose and a meaning in the scheme of my life. and no matter how much i try to seperate myself from the rest of the world because of these shortcomings or differences, i am not seperate. i am included. i am needed. i am required. i belong.

those thoughts are not my first line of thought about my life, however. and first and foremost, i needed to stop self-medicating through these "junk" feelings as i had been doing most of my adult life. that is why i needed the 12 steps and a program to help me navigate my heart, mind, and soul. i don't think i would have gotten to a higher source of power without them.

12 step may have some relief for you, too, even though your situation may not be so dramatic. (any readers who doubt it- i can identify-i never thought it could or would help me. but help me it has.) i do not have to stay stuck in those thoughts i have about myself anymore. this is one of the greatest gifts i have known. and i have hope that there is a break in this cycle. and i have hope that something wonderful will happen. i am shaking loose this secret sadness.

and here is laymen's interpretation of those steps.

1) Drugs/Alcohol will kill me.
2) There's a power that wants me to live.
3) Do I want to live or die? (if you want to die, stop here)
4) Write about how I got to where I am.
5) tell another person all about me. (let God listen)
6) Want to change
7) Ask a power greater than me to help me change.
8) Write down who I've hurt.
9) Fix what I can without hurting anyone else.
10)Accept that I'm human and will screw up. fix it immediately.
11)Ask a power greater than me to show me how to live.
12)Keep doing 1 through 11 and pass it on.

i felt like a change with my posts today (obviously, i hope)
i am a huge fan of kathleen battle's voice, so i thought i'd share a bit today. and just to be sure, inside of me is sometimes like a house of flying daggers.



There was a field in my old town
Where we always played hand in hand
The wind was gently touching the grass
We were so young, so fearless

Then I dreamt o'er and over
Of you holding me tight under the stars
I made a promise to my dear lord
I will love you forever

Time has passed
So much has changed
But the field remains in my heart
Oh, where are you?
I need to tell you I still love you
So I reach out for you
You fly around me like a butterfly
Your voice still echoes in my heart
You are my true love

There was a field in my old town
Where in spring all flowers blossomed wide
We were chasing butterflies
Hand in hand 'til close of day
Your voice still echoes in my heart

saturday morning cartoons

this week we have 2 episodes of an animated series entitled methheads living in bakersfield. the title speaks for itself. it's pretty dry, but it stuck for some reason. two episodes here 'cuz.... well, 'cuz i'm an addict.






this follow up is funny, and has some pretty sweet musical selections. short, sweet, and to the point.