morning glory

tonight i am home enjoying the remnants of some pasta w/sausage and goat cheese and thinking about my day. i am feeling a stirring to post and so i am in front of the keyboard and tap-tap-tapping away. i have a smile on my face tonight because i noticed a light go on behind an addicts eyes tonight. i am not sure when it happened exactly or what triggered it, but i am very definitely sure it is on. this makes my heart smile from the inside and the outside. this is why i do the work i do.

this morning:

working with addicts, just as so many other vocations, can seem frustrating, sometimes hopeless, and has its own distinct set of challenges. it certainly takes many people what seems an extreme amount of time to even understand what kind of change is involved in the ceasing or slowing down of drug use. and then if they do stop using, rarely is much changed in their hearts, minds, and lives unless they do some other work, because the circumstances that led them to overindulging are usually still there.

and it takes awhile for that to be processed and understood. it takes patience and determination to make it through these periods. it also takes desire and some willingness usually in the form of motivation. my experience is showing me that the motivation can start on the outside, such as the intervention from the law, etc, but that it must eventually move to internal motivation if it is to actually "stick".

so, i am back to the initial reason for my post today. i have had the sincere pleasure to witness a change begin in someone i am working with. it reminds me of watching a colt or a calf walking for the first time, or watching a morning glory open just past the break of day. it's spectacular. it's phenomenal. it's a signal that there is new life. and it's definitely a reminder to me that i am not in charge and that life still holds surprises.

it also signals to me this: whatever the reason i have landed in this position at this time, it is where i should be. i am humbled by the grace this offers me and more determined to stay open to my own process.

if you are reading this, and you are thinking about change in your life, let me take the opportunity to share this thought: change is possible, change is probable, and change is even inevitable. when we change our actions, and keep our hearts and minds open, they will follow, and our situations and our lives are not far behind. find someone who has experience with positive change in their lives, just as you want for yours, and ask them to help guide you. it is something you will never regret.

i also went outside this morning (4am) and got a great view of the lunar eclipse. i wonder what spiritual significance that holds.

international carnival of pozitivities

below is a note from ron hudson at ICP who was kind enough to include a couple of my posts for this month's carnival which is hosted by straight, not narrow. there's a great post from fellow blogger brian at acidreflux while he was travelling thru africa. there is also a post from lorenzo at god is brown. this post captured my heart as an older gay man (eeeghad! i had a hard time typing that) listening to a younger man. and you'll see a poignant photo entry from joe is god with pictures of 20 years of ACTUP. i encourage you to explore the carnival and the cornucopia of bloggers out there. and contribute to next month's carnival. after all, we really all are living with hiv/aids. and i find that the non-poz voice is even less heard (if at all) around hiv.

Dear Friends of the International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP):








The 14th edition of the ICP is now available at Straight, Not Narrow. This edition includes original artwork from an HIV+ Colombian man, an original Spanish-language poem with translation by Mexican poet Jeannette Clariond, a video blog from the American comic ANT at his ANT Colony and a spoken-word video from my friend and 1 Giant Leap collaborator Rich Ferguson of Los Angeles, CA. Other posts address recognizing alcoholism within the HIV/AIDS community, as well as other thought-provoking articles about living with HIV/AIDS. We have a number of returning contributors as well as new participants. Please take a few minutes to visit and bookmark this edition so that you can enjoy it at your leisure over the next month.



Please visit the ICP homepage to learn more about this project and how you can contribute. We are now accepting submissions for edition 15 to be hosted at Living Mindfully with HIV. Please consider contributing your original artwork, poetry, news, personal accounts, short stories, and video or music files for the next edition. The more of you who actively submit your articles, the more I will be able to identify and solicit new participants for this project.



I hope that you will join the growing community of contributors and hosts for this important international forum for genuine voices of AIDS and allies. Please note that we are still seeking a host for our November, 2007 edition and for all editions beyond December, 2007. If you are interested in hosting the ICP, please email me and I will make the process for you as painless as possible. Return hosts are welcome!



If you have a blog, please feel free to post a notice about the availability of this edition. Also, please share this email with your friends. We need to involve as many people as possible. I really appreciate all of the links that you have added for the ICP in your blog sidebars and would encourage any of you who have not yet done so to consider adding a permanent link to the ICP to your blog.




Peace to you and yours.



Safe Journeys!

Ron Hudson

2sides2ron
Poundcake Love
The International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP)

whatever tomorrow brings

once in awhile i hear a song that really speaks to me. i had posted this particular song "drive"on my previous blog site, and i can find even more about it to like now. last year, i went to see chris beckman (from mtv's real world) speak here in denver about his recovery from drug addiction thru a 12 step program. there was a young man singing this song and playing guitar before chris went on. i then knew that the world still holds wonderful surprises for me. i credit this song as a sign that my chi, my soulforce, my raison d'etre might actually begin to realign. actually, their much newer song "dig" is just as compelling for me. i dig this band and dig their messaging.

INCUBUS - Drive

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.

So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
Aah-ah-oo-o-o.

It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeahhh
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...I'll be there.

Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh, do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do do do do
ohh wa oh

Incubus - Drive (music Video)
Uploaded by Tnert

h e l p

sunday, while driving back from winter park, i was listening to a recording of a speaker from the florida roundup 2005 and i got an additional aha. he was talking about spending his fortune(and he had been making a LOT of money) on some cowboy daddy for the four years prior to his bottoming out and getting into 12 step. the cowboy had taught him how to shoot up meth and then he spent the next four years basically spending through his money trying to keep the guy from running out on him while he tried to stay high. he had been jailed 5 times, had ruined his career and had been shot by a crossbow by this cowboy(who is currently in prison for attempted murder). cleaning up i hope.

as i listened to him speak about being addicted to this man as well as being addicted to meth, i realized that there are real similarities for me. i was not addicted to any particular man, but i was addicted to a ritual. a sexual ritual, one that i had been repeating over and over for years, with no real concern about the person who it was with. as long as the ritual stayed the same and took place, it didn't really matter who it was. treating men like kleenex or handi-wipes. tricks. this is the thing that has stood out for me from my earlier 4th step, and has kept me numb for the year since i worked that step. i cannot really imagine myself beyond that point.

i know that they say that to forgive oneself is the beginning of the healing, but i never thought i would be able to get to that point. this weekend retreat has indeed helped me to see that i was (and still am) sick and could not help myself. i was doing the best that i could and the only thing i knew how to do. and now i have the opportunity to let go of that behavior and change my motives. i need to take action. the caution here for me is that i have told myself so many times over the years that i would never do certain things again. i told myself i would never have a hangover like that again. i would never drink and drive again i would never miss work again. i would never shoot up again. i would never put myself in those dangerous situations again. and yet i found myself engaged in those very activities with regularity. and i am having difficulty finding trust for myself around this. if i cannot let go of this mindset and this behavior that i have grown beyond, then how can i be free? how can i make room for something better in my life? i engaged in behaviors this past weekend that are not in line with my ideal, and the hook for me was that "sex as validation" piece. i was almost driven to it as if i had been hypnotised. is it all i think i can do? is it all i think i deserve? i know i am ready to try something different, but how?


and because i don't know how to make this change, or where to start, i am going to employ another idea from this speaker's message. take a bar of soap and write H-E-L-P on my bathroom mirror and everyday when i shave, i can read it and remember -

His Ever Lasting Presence

and ask for help from that presence on a daily basis. and at night go into the bathroom and say thank you if i have gotten through another day. i have seen enough miracles in my own life to accept that there is a power greater than me at work. i just always forget that it is okay to ask for help when i don't know what to do next. and you know, i think that help may already be on the way. after all, there is the power of intention that i have come to believe in so well.

i would love to make available online this speaker's recording, but haven't figured out how to do it. i don't want to make it available to everyone, but would love to send it to interested parties. so if you can help me work out how to do this- please get in touch.

these are the years i spent. and this is what they represent. and this is what's in my head. and this is how i feel.

the next step

i gave my letter of resignation and notice to my current full time position yesterday. it was certainly bittersweet, but it went smoothly. i have learned so much much working with "it takes a village" and i will never be able to get them out of my heart. there has been an opportunity to grow in ways i never would have been able to experience anywhere else. and we did have discussions about collaboration in the future.

my last day is on the 15th and i hope to have some closure with a support group that i co-facilitate on that day. and then i suppose all hell really breaks loose. i will be moving over to "mile high meth project" at the council in a full time capacity beginning the 18th of August. i am excited, and more than a bit nervous at the same time. this is a birthday gift for myself that i have been working towards.

this new gay men's treatment program in denver is already underway. we have been in operation for about 4 months now. we were minimally funded and so we have really only scratched the surface with clinic hours, marketing, etc. there are currently 14 men enrolled in the program, although they are on different levels and paces in their quest to get clean. we have been working with mostly hiv negative men as the funding is based on prevention dollars. it's exciting because there is an opportunity for no cost treatment for gay men with meth addictions (and other addictions soon to follow). however, we just became ryan white funded as well and so we will be serving and treating hiv plus men additionally. and we do plan on treating them as one community. there are agencies in place that treat hiv plus folks separately, but we wonder if the serosorting is really beneficial for all our comrades. those exclusive options are still available around town, but we feel that both non-sero and sero are part of our community and both therefore should be treated equally and together. if we cannot take care of each other, then who will?

in addition to standard treatment options, we will be offering acupuncture, yoga, and a meditation/mind calming group on a weekly basis. i also think we may be offering a support group which will involve dinner on a table set with linen, china, and candles. (ain't that gay!) one point of light is that there hasn't been a new ryan white treatment provider in the city for quite some time.

i think the thing that is most evident to me, and definitely the most challenging, is the high level of emotionality that exists in gay men as the crystal is depleted. their reactions to life and situations have a tendency to be extremely exaggerated and pronounced for at least the 1st six to twelve months. i need constantly to remember that there is a physiological reason for this and take it in stride. and working under this assumption helps me on a daily basis. if i can learn to remain calm, supportive, and patient during these tumultuous times for clients, perhaps i will be able to help them ride out one of the most difficult parts of breaking up with tina.

thank you, universe, for allowing me the opportunity to be of service. for today, there is no better raison d'etre.

oh- btw, can you PLEASE click on the title of this post and sign the manifesto if you haven't already!


and here is one of my very favorite songs that came out around the time of my initial attempts at recovery.


tina.................................never!!!!
i don't want these feelings to ever come again.
your love is so past tense.

The Roc Project - Never (Past Tense)
Uploaded by florian4545

room for love

terence gorski may actually have written the book (pun intended) on relapse prevention. his addiction and recovery related work is considered trailblazing and the marker which everything else is held up to for comparison. maybe my next book to read should be his : "finding love in recovery". or "getting love right"

his work


it has been so long since i have been involved in a relationship with another man. mostly because i won't let anyone in. there have been a few interested parties, but i usually shut down the walls i have spent many years building. it is such a process to even consider relaxing these security forces. in one instance, there were some hurtful and painful events that happened, revealing to myself a part of me i didn't want to know. and then the hiv thing happened and the diseased pariah mentality took hold, and hasn't really wanted to let go. at one point i had met and gotten close to a guy i met in an hiv support group and it was really sweet. but when i found out he was negative, i snapped up like a clam that just got scratched by a grain of sand.

i know i have to revisit this. and i somehow know that i need to explore relationship on a more personal level in this life. lord knows, i have had more than my entire family's share of sex, but this is not about sex for the sake of sex. it is about something with layers, with emotions, and with partenership qualities. if i am unable to do this, i am presumably subjected to coming back to re-experience this life again with this same challenges.

my recovery continues to seem comet-like for me. i was in such a very low spot a few years ago, and i am no longer standing in or in the vicinity of that deep trench at all. it sometimes is difficult to recall what it was like or it is almost surreal to connect those psychotic feelings and thoughts to me or my life at all. but those were mine. that was indeed me.

i have been blessed with a new passion which is allowing me to transcend much of that horror and pain and use what i have learned to try and be of assistance to others. never in my wildest dreams had i considered i might have something to offer someone else. this, alone, is nothing other than a miracle. abundance really does flow into my life and directly into my heart.

my sponsor tells me (unsolicited btw) that a lover is most definitely in the cards for me, from his perspective. so i try to believe him. and i try to keep myself open. i think i probably fantasize a bit about it, although i think i'm really grouchy, self-contained, and hyper-critical(defensively so). on the practical side, i have doubts and fears that are monolithic. i know that an intimate relationship process holds gifts and a mulititude of lessons for me. i try to stay open without obsessing. i try to make room. or try to keep room available.

Karmen Michael - No Room For Love
Uploaded by jief75