terence gorski may actually have written the book (pun intended) on relapse prevention. his addiction and recovery related work is considered trailblazing and the marker which everything else is held up to for comparison. maybe my next book to read should be his : "finding love in recovery". or "getting love right"
his work
it has been so long since i have been involved in a relationship with another man. mostly because i won't let anyone in. there have been a few interested parties, but i usually shut down the walls i have spent many years building. it is such a process to even consider relaxing these security forces. in one instance, there were some hurtful and painful events that happened, revealing to myself a part of me i didn't want to know. and then the hiv thing happened and the diseased pariah mentality took hold, and hasn't really wanted to let go. at one point i had met and gotten close to a guy i met in an hiv support group and it was really sweet. but when i found out he was negative, i snapped up like a clam that just got scratched by a grain of sand.
i know i have to revisit this. and i somehow know that i need to explore relationship on a more personal level in this life. lord knows, i have had more than my entire family's share of sex, but this is not about sex for the sake of sex. it is about something with layers, with emotions, and with partenership qualities. if i am unable to do this, i am presumably subjected to coming back to re-experience this life again with this same challenges.
my recovery continues to seem comet-like for me. i was in such a very low spot a few years ago, and i am no longer standing in or in the vicinity of that deep trench at all. it sometimes is difficult to recall what it was like or it is almost surreal to connect those psychotic feelings and thoughts to me or my life at all. but those were mine. that was indeed me.
i have been blessed with a new passion which is allowing me to transcend much of that horror and pain and use what i have learned to try and be of assistance to others. never in my wildest dreams had i considered i might have something to offer someone else. this, alone, is nothing other than a miracle. abundance really does flow into my life and directly into my heart.
my sponsor tells me (unsolicited btw) that a lover is most definitely in the cards for me, from his perspective. so i try to believe him. and i try to keep myself open. i think i probably fantasize a bit about it, although i think i'm really grouchy, self-contained, and hyper-critical(defensively so). on the practical side, i have doubts and fears that are monolithic. i know that an intimate relationship process holds gifts and a mulititude of lessons for me. i try to stay open without obsessing. i try to make room. or try to keep room available.
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