Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.--Rabindranath Tagore
the prognosis of "normal" is definitely not all it's cracked up to be. i have never really aspired to be normal, mostly because the likelihood of me reachiing that goal is nil. but it has always remained in my focus because that's what most individuals use as a marker.
so imagine my distress to spend years working hard at doing the right thing, only to discover that sometimes my head is full of crap and that i make foolish decisions and quick judgements just as easily as i pause when i'm agitated. no smoke, no mirrors, no distracting one's attention. just me and my "nothing specialness".
this is one of those times that i need to find gratitude. i know of so many many things to be grateful for. the trick is to connect with that gratitude. gratitude, like faith, is kinetic, much like the sun. at times it's completely evident, but there are other times when it's obstructed, and i have to really work at remembering what it's like when it's in view.
And this old world is a new world And a bold world For me
i am writing this the night before 09/28/09. i grilled some veggies for dinner, grilled extra for a coupla days lunches with some tenderloin too. i am grilling pears right now and gonna have one or two with caramel ice cream. my laundry is in the dryer and i'm watching "cadillac records" while i post. i spent a night in salida with a friend, savoring the changing colors of the aspen and other trees. that friend is my mother, and we are re-writing our relationship- at least the finale.
this is a dramatic departure from where i found myself five years ago and before. i had been flapping in the wind like a kite caught in a tree for so long that i don't think i could remember what it was like not to hear the wind. i had stepped in a bucket of "fuck me" paint and i just starting believing that was what i looked like. and it was reflected in every other relationship i had, too.
thanks to a series of what then felt like unfortunate experience, i found myself with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. i had no one to blame for it, either. this last part really sucked. i found myself back in denver, after leaving that town in an angry chess move, to have the fun that i was denied the ten years prior, waiting to die from aids. so i jumped to san francisco and directly into a kerouac story. or maybe it was really more like dennis cooper. anyway, the meth days began before my heart could heal from any prior pain. i checked out of my life emotionally, and began to fill my time and my mind with little white shards of ephedrine-like amnesia and my time with chasing the midsections of men. each passing month drew me deeper into nothing and before i knew it, that's where i called home.
5 years ago, after several miserable attempts and making a change, i touched the dark bottom beneath me. i had seen my future, had seen my past, and had somehow realized that there was only one way to find my chi. i needed help. i couldn't do it by myself, as i had thought i had to do all my life.
my introduction to 12 step was painful. all these people talking in language that ignited nothing but anger in me. emotional boot camp is what i called it, and i really didn't want to be bothered. but i had nowhere else to go. divine intervention is what it was. after a year, i was able to trust someone enough in those rooms to tell them about me.
skip forward to tonight with my opening paragraph. with the help of a program, a sponsor, a therapist, some lithium, some diligence and some courage, and most importantly a higher power, i have a life today. i have future to work toward, and i have something to bring with me on my journey. i have met so many similar people, some have stayed, some have moved on, and i continue to grow in new directions. i have found work to do that holds meaning for my heart. i can look at myself in the mirror without shuddering, i can stand to cry or feel fear. i have a long way to go, but there isn't the sense of rush that used to describe my life.
so that's it. no fireworks. no big parties. just a quiet exercise in gratitude for relief from the hell i came from. recovery works. if you work it.
today's sound choice is from the verve remix cd. it's nina simone with "feeling good".
It is impossible to imagine a more complete fusion with nature than that of the Gypsy. Franz Liszt
there are small moments during my day when i actually understand that i am doing exactly what i need to be doing. they don't happen often, but they do come along. today. i had a couple of those moments.
i have a person who is steeping in daily regret about some bad choices (i can totally relate) and i was able to offer him an alternative way of seeing his own situation. his posture changed and so did the light in his eyes. actually it was magic.
i have managed to keep several plates spinning in the air simultaneously for awhile now. at first there was much applause and the atmosphere of a festive and jovial night prevailed. this has shifted however, and i find myself wondering why so many plates and when will i get to take a break. this is such a healthy sign for me. typically i would want to spin even more plates, and maybe do it blindfolded. and then i realize that it is all really gonna be okay and i can be foolish and make mistakes. and that i can be frustrated and survive. and i love the frenzy and the mayhem. it is what i grew up around and it is what makes me feel comfortable.
i am thankful i can find comfort, and i am thankful i get to do 6 shows a week.
do yourself a favor and definitely watch the vid in the sidebar. you will not be sorry.
today's sound choice is damien rice performing "rootless tree"
one thing i have learned in these last few years is that having a spiritual program and actually working it has saved my collective ass on more than a hundred occasions. it has helped me develop somewhere new and more helpful to go when i am not on top of my game, when i feel any of my less joyful emotions, or when i feel i am not getting enough or what i deserve or want. if i remember to look to what is working in life in lieu of my nature of looking to what is not, my outlook, my mood, and therefore my day and my life quantitatively improve. this attitude of gratitude is one of the first tasks my sponsor gave oh so few years ago. i use this tool to this day and am always thankful to find another road to get there. today i offer one of these to you. if you are struggling or if you are not, i challenge you to consider working this program for the 30 days suggested and see if it does not affect your life in some way. my experience tells me that this won't interfere with any other programs you may currently be working.
i snagged these "three truths to help create a life in gratitude" from zenhabits
Characteristics of a Grateful Life
A life of gratitude is composed of three parts that combine to make a whole.
1. A sense of purpose in our lives
2. An appreciation for the lives of those around us
3. A willingness to take action to show the gratitude we feel
chris guillebeau (a guest author on zenhabits) also offers a challenge. i, in turn, am passing that challenge along to readers and people in my life.
The Zen Habits Gratefulness Challenge
Fellow readers of Zen Habits, I’d like to leave you with a challenge today. This is not a theoretical challenge–it’s designed to be quite practical.
Over the next 30 days, I would like to challenge you to create your own life of gratitude in a way that is meaningful to you, and to begin practicing acts of gratefulness more than you have ever done before.
I’ll be doing it along with you, and so will a lot of other readers. It’s always good to be specific, so here are some ideas… but don’t let these limit you.
Spend three minutes every morning writing down a few things you are grateful for that day Devote a full morning or afternoon to composing a more detailed gratefulness list. (One tip: think both about what you are grateful for and also how you can show that gratitude) Make it a habit to encourage at least one person every day Review your finances to make sure they are in order and aligned with your values Plan something fun, like a trip to somewhere you’ve never been For one day (or more), say something positive to every person you meet Lastly, every good challenge has a part two. Are you ready for the part two of this challenge? Here it is:
The second part of the Zen Habits Gratefulness Challenge is for you to pass on the challenge to others.
You don’t need to do this in an organized way–make it your way. Just make it real, because the world will be better for it. Bloggers, you have a loyal audience that pays attention to what you have to say. Tell them what you’re grateful for, and then challenge them as well.
In your work and school environments, you can be an influence for positive change, and one way to start is by spreading the habit of gratitude.
If you’ve enjoyed this guest essay, or even if you haven’t, I’d like to hear from you. Do you accept the gratefulness challenge? What are some other ways to create a life of gratitude? Please post your feedback in the comments below.
i also found an interesting ebook which was highlighted on that site: perhaps it will assist one or more of you on your journeys...manifesto
and finally the sound choice today is amos lee singing "shout out loud"
Willa Cather Miracles seem to rest, not so much upon faces or voices or healing power coming suddenly near to us from far off, but upon our perceptions being made finer so that for a moment our eyes can see and our ears can hear that which is about us always.
from my perspective, there is a process to this recovery walk. i feel so very different today than i did, say 2 years ago. i feel as if i am gregor samsa but in sepia or black & white, shifting from cockroach to human and from sepia to digital color. the movements in this are so extreme- from a snail's pace all the way to tornado-like.
i go to a meeting on sunday mornings that i have been attending for over 3 1/2 years. during one of the first meetings, i shared that i was bi-polar and a meth addict who had hiv. i certainly felt i would be judged. but this guy came up to me after group and said to me "with all those issues, you are going to have so much help to offer others". this totally blew me away. i had never even considered viewing any of my issues as a source of strength.
i am thankful to so many. too many to name. there are a few along my journey who have given me truth or kindness when i seemed to need them. i can only hope i can do the same for others. certainly, though, almost every blogger listed on my warriors list is responsible for giving me their experience, strength, and their hope in this particular aspect of my life. i started this blog a year and a half ago, and these wonderful personalities, all just as varied as individual notes in a lullabye, have given also given me comfort and direction as life's clouds have rolled by.
bliss and kisses....this is what recovery means to me today, on the 4 year anniversary of a shift in my perception.
my friend richard kearns sent me this poem. thank you richard. i hope you figured out what an orgasm is...:)
the sun jumped up
the sun jumped up ran through the city ashine betwixt scrapers beamquick clouds on fire flamefluffed glowed three sixty vaporizing lowderlong tied bandannalike and sweated by a musclebig bald gay piledriver yellow helmet-hat not quite covering the true arch’d blue blue blue ache’d even bluer surmountable by dreamcrafted upsteps as the city spreads stalkingly past me neither of us rests who dies first come sunout? will we know night’s candles? i shall. i will. i did. they’re you in darknesse weep while you have tears then laugh then jump up and run through the city ashine awake faster than light
But when the self speaks to the self, who is speaking? The entombed soul, the spirit driven in, in, in to the central catacomb; the self that took the veil and left the world -- a coward perhaps, yet somehow beautiful, as it flits with its lantern restlessly up and down the dark corridors. Virginia Woolf
today i am going to an hiv conference regarding health disparities among various populations.
september 17th. wow. it doesn't seem so extraordinary, and maybe it's not. i just sit here in front of this screen and try to get in my head just how amazing this journey is. i never would have imagined me where i am. i thought it was already laid out last year.
at this time last year, i was working two jobs and preparing for mile high meth project to take hold. i had done the research and made recommendations, the grants were written, and we were just seeing them come in. i thought i would be doing that work for quite some time.
the world had other ideas about it though. i can't say i'm disgruntled any longer, although i know i was for a few months. i felt used and cheated and snaked. but, big deal, really. i probably was all those things. in truth, i have not been an innocent my whole life, so the fact that i was fed some of my own behaviors on a platter, albeit in sobriety, does not inspire sympathy. and the blessing is that i am not associated with those sadly insipid characters any longer. at least in my workplace.
my world is moving forward. i have a sponsee who has been a treasurer at a meeting for awhile, but has not turned in cash for a couple of months. he has also stopped answering or returning my calls. it's sad to think of him suffering. and i think that's probably what he's doing. once you get a taste of recovery, i hear that going back to insanity is not the fun it used to be at all. it's said that it ruins getting high. i believe it. i know i would be riddled with guilt and anger. suffering.
autumn always gets me looking back and looking forward. i think the banner photo tells all. that's me. waiting for the world to change. wondering how i am going to change. surmising how much i have already changed.
on a separate note, my buddy g sent me this article about white privilege by tim wise
"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." ~ Marcel Proust ~
the above work is a brainchild of one of the sweetest inspirations that has crossed my path since i have gotten clean in denver.(who resides in denver) i met him when i served on the board of rocky mountain roundup last year and worked with him on the fundraising committee. we threw parties together for a year and i found that he inspired me to be better somehow.
he is definitely an artist. he is talented, he is intense, and he brings some magic and some validation to my life. he struggles, he takes chances, he stays grounded, and he pursues his muse. of course he has a partner, who is equally gracious and engaging. i love them both.
anyway- i just got a print of the work pictured above. we went to lunch and just caught up as i hadn't seen him in a month or so. i am in a period of shifting, my priorities, my career, and my safety nets. his friendship is an oasis.
i am so very grateful for friendships and especially for alex. i am better for the fortitude and the grace he demonstrates. i am humbled by his naivete and floored by his wisdom. sometimes i don't think i deserve good friends.... but those thoughts are beginning to fade more quickly in recovery. that would be another great thing i give thanks for.
this is a time of the year that lends itself to personal reflection and looking inward. it's way too cold to play much outdoors, and difficult to motor about. we got another 6 inches of snow yesterday, it's very cold and it's stalling things.
funny how that is very much how i am feeling, too. stalled, kinda stuck and not moving. i know that this is not a sign of something wrong, but there's that tendency to feel more comfortable in crazytown where everything is and always should be frenetic. i have to remember that crazy is only a memory...
i am learning (i hope)..
pssst- i've posted one of my old sugarhill faves on aftermeth
it's been a very full coupla days. drove to idaho springs, shopped a bit, had dinner, drove on the unofficial annual idaho springs holiday lights competition tour. (new winner this year) made breakfast for my family and then drove right back to denver. we are having about 11-16 inches of snow falling.
on the drive back to town, i tried to change lanes to get around a slow driver and started to hydroplane and slid from the far left lane across the 3 lanes of highway and slid into a car that was entering the highway. no one was hurt thankfully, but i am a little numb still. i would have really felt terrible if someone was injured on this of all days.
i am thankful the other car, although damaged, carried people that are healthy, and that my passenger is healthy. this is the biggest gift i could receive this year. i need to remember just how lucky i am. 5 years ago, i was in the most seriously tall piles of shit that i could have dreamed. now i am nowhere near that place in my head or my heart.
there are gifts in my life. i just need to remember to see them.
so i thought i'd post the letter i sent to my family and friends this year. i am starting to get a little seasonal spirit. today, i just want to be grateful for the blessings i actually have- which are many. the gratitude expressed is intended just as much for the friends i have made online as all the other people in my life.
i hope you find at least as many blessings, too.
December 15, 2007 Dear Friends and Loved Ones,
It certainly has been a busy year in this man’s life. There have been so many changes and blessings, it is hard to catalog them. I know that it has been awhile since I have spoken or written to many of you, and the busy-ness certainly is partially responsible.
I have just marked the 1st anniversary of my little townhouse. Some updating has been completed, with many thanks to Adam, Walt, Quincy, Marcy, Mary, Bob B and Marc. It is a very small 2 bedroom, but nicely located just 3 blocks from City Park, which I consider one of the most attractive and user-friendly parks in the metro area. I even started jogging with a friend in the wee hours of the morning. That is 3.5 miles thank-you. It’s been amazing listening to the lions roaring at the zoo, located in the park, around that time, as there is very little other sound.
I took a position as a substance abuse counselor at a local clinic and became the coordinator of a program for gay men and crystal meth addiction. This became full time in August and is up and running. A psychotherapist has also been brought on board as some of the guys have some needs that are a bit beyond my safety zone. We have about 30 active clients currently which is not bad. There is a mix of HIV positive and negative which is a departure from the status quo in Denver treatment options and more accurately reflects the real world. Believe me, it is an adventure and a wake-up call many times a week to hear remarks thrown at me that I have so flippantly used in my past.
I was able to go to Miami, Chicago, and Provincetown this year. All were remarkably expansive for me. P-town really is quaint and I think it merits another visit. The town is so small, there are no stoplights.
I was part of a board that produced a recovery conference in Winter Park in early August. It was successful beyond our expectations with visitors from at least 6 other states. The tally was 148, I believe and it was a spiritual experience for many. It was refreshing to watch 1st time visitors to Colorado take in the depth and beauty of the Rocky Mountains. And equally enjoyable to watch jaded natives loosen their smiles.
I have been participating as a mayoral appointee on The Planning Council for The Mayor’s Office of HIV Resources for about a year as well. Last month I was voted in as co-chair. The committee oversees the percentages of disbursement to treatment categories for Ryan White Funding. It has offered me a incredible learning experience. Of course, I can never sit at these meetings quietly. I always have something to say. As Mom would say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I have become an online moderator for Strength In Numbers, which is a social network for poz guys. We are publishing our first newsletter this month and having a pretty big social event in late January. This has been a completely pleasant surprise to me. I never would have expected to be involved in something like this.
Of course, none of this would be possible without the love and support of all of you in my life. I may not say it, but I do feel it in my heart. There is so much thanks and gratitude in my daily practice and any assistance I give is a direct result of that which I have received from you.
I am still talking- What a surprise – right? Anyway, please accept my wishes for a happy holiday and a blessed new year. And check out my blog once in awhile. It’s like getting a hug when people leave comments. And I can use all the hugs I can get.
fellow blogger marc olmsted has been helping his friend steven todd publish a blog while steven is incarcerated. the blog is mostly about his life while in prison(for drug related charges) and i'm sure it provides steven with an outlet for expression and a way to help keep him connected to a world outside and one that probably seems so far away.
the truth for me is that i never went to jail. i broke the law consistently while i was using, but i never had to face any legal penalties or was never really caught in the wheel of justice. but steven (and marc for that matter) were snagged by the justice bus, and have been penalized with time away from the world. this is termed by us as rehabilitation, but that is one of the more hollow of terms we use in the u.s. there is mostly survival and very little rehab that goes on these institutions.
i started reading steven's blog in the middle of the year, after i had become acquainted with marc's blog. steven's a good writer, and he is incredibly skilled at including details which add much depth and color in relating the world he inhabits. i encourage you to read his blog. today's entry is especially poignant. i had tagged him with the "7 things I've learned in recovery" meme and he has responded. i think it's portrayal of his daily life is sincerely deep and revealing. i think it's something i will share with the guys in my meth group. many of them are involved in drug court and might appreciate such a reminder of why they are in group in the first place.
i am humbled at the opportunity to share stevens post during a holiday season such as this. it speaks directly to humility and gratitude which are crucial elements to my recovery process. please consider this a holiday greeting card today. and do yourself a favor and read prison's a bitch
"An addict cannot be grateful and hateful at the same time"
so often i find myself in a place that doesn't include one of the foundations of my recovery. that foundation is gratitude. no matter how incomplete my life can feel these days, the mere fact that i have a life is no small matter. i easily and consistently shift from a place that starts with gratitude to a place that really reeks of expectation and entitlement. i know that this is not a healthy place for me to be, and yet i float there repeatedly because it is habit and because when i'm stressed or taxed, i revert to habit.
my credit card was used by someone else and has disrupted my cash flow and my economic safety and security. i find myself working very hard to let go of the tendency to 1)become a victim. and 2) get pissed off. it's working, but it is a real challenge. but no one ever said it would be easy. and i'm learning things about myself that i honestly didn't know. (i don't think i really wanted to know them either.) but, they are here for me to look at. and at the end of the day , i am grateful for the opportunity to have perspective on my own reactions instead of just having those reactions. it's come at a price, but it has value for me.
from page 63 in the book of alcoholics anonymous:
"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
tonight i am home enjoying the remnants of some pasta w/sausage and goat cheese and thinking about my day. i am feeling a stirring to post and so i am in front of the keyboard and tap-tap-tapping away. i have a smile on my face tonight because i noticed a light go on behind an addicts eyes tonight. i am not sure when it happened exactly or what triggered it, but i am very definitely sure it is on. this makes my heart smile from the inside and the outside. this is why i do the work i do.
this morning:
working with addicts, just as so many other vocations, can seem frustrating, sometimes hopeless, and has its own distinct set of challenges. it certainly takes many people what seems an extreme amount of time to even understand what kind of change is involved in the ceasing or slowing down of drug use. and then if they do stop using, rarely is much changed in their hearts, minds, and lives unless they do some other work, because the circumstances that led them to overindulging are usually still there.
and it takes awhile for that to be processed and understood. it takes patience and determination to make it through these periods. it also takes desire and some willingness usually in the form of motivation. my experience is showing me that the motivation can start on the outside, such as the intervention from the law, etc, but that it must eventually move to internal motivation if it is to actually "stick".
so, i am back to the initial reason for my post today. i have had the sincere pleasure to witness a change begin in someone i am working with. it reminds me of watching a colt or a calf walking for the first time, or watching a morning glory open just past the break of day. it's spectacular. it's phenomenal. it's a signal that there is new life. and it's definitely a reminder to me that i am not in charge and that life still holds surprises.
it also signals to me this: whatever the reason i have landed in this position at this time, it is where i should be. i am humbled by the grace this offers me and more determined to stay open to my own process.
if you are reading this, and you are thinking about change in your life, let me take the opportunity to share this thought: change is possible, change is probable, and change is even inevitable. when we change our actions, and keep our hearts and minds open, they will follow, and our situations and our lives are not far behind. find someone who has experience with positive change in their lives, just as you want for yours, and ask them to help guide you. it is something you will never regret.
i also went outside this morning (4am) and got a great view of the lunar eclipse. i wonder what spiritual significance that holds.
it hardly seems possible that just 3 years ago next month i began the last of my meth binges. i had already sworn it off several times in the preceding year and a half, but just couldn't make it stick. i had stopped for months at a time, but staying stopped really seemed to be a problem. it was killing me, as a matter of fact. i honestly just wanted to throw in the towel and die. but i couldn't even seem to make that work.
i would step down from the amusement park ride for awhile, find a place to stay, get a job, get some sleep, and then my mind would go into a hypnotic state and there was nothing i could seem to do other than obey the "let's tweak" instructions that had been downloaded during one of my psychotic episodes. and there were quite a few of those.
i would get these server jobs at restaurants and i was honestly over that kind of work in restaurants. the managers were all younger than me and were towing a corporate line and it just held no appeal for me. even though i needed the job and the money desperately, i couldn't get past the humiliation and the cravings. and i would almost always create a situation that i could get angry over, then run out to the baths. and when that happened, i was usually invisible to the outside world for about 5-10 days. don't ask where i got the money. i found ways to procure it, both wholesome and not. nothing i am proud of.
well, the reason i bring this all up is because i am sometimes just amazed at how much my life has changed, and in how many ways. and i never thought it would get any better. but in spite of myself, it did. it has gotten better. it has been a breath of fresh air. my life is like a phoenix rising, a walk in the park, and a source of joy and inspiration for me.
if you are struggling, with addiction or with staying clean, i hope you can hear my words..... there are miracles in this life. there really are.... just believe in them, and get through the first year. don't do it alone. even though you have been spending most of your tweaking time alone, don't stay alone at this point in your life. there are people who have quit before you and they can and want to help. the difference is astounding. if you are interested you can read some more of my story here.
below is a note from ron hudson at ICP who was kind enough to include a couple of my posts for this month's carnival which is hosted by straight, not narrow. there's a great post from fellow blogger brian at acidreflux while he was travelling thru africa. there is also a post from lorenzo at god is brown. this post captured my heart as an older gay man (eeeghad! i had a hard time typing that) listening to a younger man. and you'll see a poignant photo entry from joe is god with pictures of 20 years of ACTUP. i encourage you to explore the carnival and the cornucopia of bloggers out there. and contribute to next month's carnival. after all, we really all are living with hiv/aids. and i find that the non-poz voice is even less heard (if at all) around hiv.
Dear Friends of the International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP):
The 14th edition of the ICP is now available at Straight, Not Narrow. This edition includes original artwork from an HIV+ Colombian man, an original Spanish-language poem with translation by Mexican poet Jeannette Clariond, a video blog from the American comic ANT at his ANT Colony and a spoken-word video from my friend and 1 Giant Leap collaborator Rich Ferguson of Los Angeles, CA. Other posts address recognizing alcoholism within the HIV/AIDS community, as well as other thought-provoking articles about living with HIV/AIDS. We have a number of returning contributors as well as new participants. Please take a few minutes to visit and bookmark this edition so that you can enjoy it at your leisure over the next month.
Please visit the ICP homepage to learn more about this project and how you can contribute. We are now accepting submissions for edition 15 to be hosted at Living Mindfully with HIV. Please consider contributing your original artwork, poetry, news, personal accounts, short stories, and video or music files for the next edition. The more of you who actively submit your articles, the more I will be able to identify and solicit new participants for this project.
I hope that you will join the growing community of contributors and hosts for this important international forum for genuine voices of AIDS and allies. Please note that we are still seeking a host for our November, 2007 edition and for all editions beyond December, 2007. If you are interested in hosting the ICP, please email me and I will make the process for you as painless as possible. Return hosts are welcome!
If you have a blog, please feel free to post a notice about the availability of this edition. Also, please share this email with your friends. We need to involve as many people as possible. I really appreciate all of the links that you have added for the ICP in your blog sidebars and would encourage any of you who have not yet done so to consider adding a permanent link to the ICP to your blog.
Peace to you and yours.
Safe Journeys!
Ron Hudson
2sides2ron Poundcake Love The International Carnival of Pozitivities (ICP)
i've certainly been at least one of these characters. and i've certainly pretended to be the other. am i really just one though? which one? once a whore, always a whore? and if i'm a whore, what do i do with that now?
my sponsor has asked me to complete something which heretofore has been out of my reach. he requests that i finish the part of step 4 which i had not been able to comprehend at all. that would be around the completion of the sex inventory. not the bit about reviewing our conduct, getting it all on paper, and looking at it. that section was excruciating, but i completed that.
no, the piece i had difficulty with is the sexual ideal. and up until now, the concept has really been elusive. i haven't really been in the space to consider being involved in a sexual relationship again. i guess i had just been so oversexed the last few years that i was pretty burnt. and i think i had been using poon as a validation tool and it had stopped working a while back. for years i hadn't considered having a relationship that combined both emotional intimacy and sex. i kept those two things very seperate. i had been hurt early on and just decided it wasn't worth the pain. i also hurt someone else and i really struggled with feeling worthy after that.
but things for me have changed somewhat. i feel as if i have already begun a journey of personal discovery. and there is some strength and joy and outward facing energy that has begun to emerge. add that to the power of intention and i find that my chi is completely realigning itself. so maybe i am ready to look at this now. my sponsor has suggested such, so i think i'll try to work on this. probably at the roundup this weekend. i guess i'll just ask god to show me how to proceed.
the suggestions from the aa book read as such:
in this way, we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. we subjected each relation to this test- was it selfish or not? we asked god to mold our ideals and help us live up to them. we remembered always that our sex powers were god-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. we must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in doing so.in other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask god what we should do about each specific matter. the right answer will come, if we want it.
so, not published in the big book of alcoholics anonymous are some ideas and thoughts that i scribed as dictated by my sponsor. these have been handwritten in blank spots on pages throughout the book. btw-this is why sponsorship is highly recommended. these cliff notes would be missed otherwise. since i am currently looking at step 4 section, i will write as is handwritten:
investigations/inventories can be expected to create angst and to take us outside our faith boundaries..... prayer expands these boundaries...
we have to own the feelings behind our fears/resentments. (not at all comfortable)
until we get in touch with these raw emotions, we cannot consciously process our inventories.
when we finally own them, we can then turn them over to god.
step 4 involves 1)honest gut checks(our role) 2)diligence ( a lot of honest work) 3)perseverance ( ego will interfere) 4)lots of prayer ( god will help us open up) 5)be specific
terence gorski may actually have written the book (pun intended) on relapse prevention. his addiction and recovery related work is considered trailblazing and the marker which everything else is held up to for comparison. maybe my next book to read should be his : "finding love in recovery". or "getting love right"
it has been so long since i have been involved in a relationship with another man. mostly because i won't let anyone in. there have been a few interested parties, but i usually shut down the walls i have spent many years building. it is such a process to even consider relaxing these security forces. in one instance, there were some hurtful and painful events that happened, revealing to myself a part of me i didn't want to know. and then the hiv thing happened and the diseased pariah mentality took hold, and hasn't really wanted to let go. at one point i had met and gotten close to a guy i met in an hiv support group and it was really sweet. but when i found out he was negative, i snapped up like a clam that just got scratched by a grain of sand.
i know i have to revisit this. and i somehow know that i need to explore relationship on a more personal level in this life. lord knows, i have had more than my entire family's share of sex, but this is not about sex for the sake of sex. it is about something with layers, with emotions, and with partenership qualities. if i am unable to do this, i am presumably subjected to coming back to re-experience this life again with this same challenges.
my recovery continues to seem comet-like for me. i was in such a very low spot a few years ago, and i am no longer standing in or in the vicinity of that deep trench at all. it sometimes is difficult to recall what it was like or it is almost surreal to connect those psychotic feelings and thoughts to me or my life at all. but those were mine. that was indeed me.
i have been blessed with a new passion which is allowing me to transcend much of that horror and pain and use what i have learned to try and be of assistance to others. never in my wildest dreams had i considered i might have something to offer someone else. this, alone, is nothing other than a miracle. abundance really does flow into my life and directly into my heart.
my sponsor tells me (unsolicited btw) that a lover is most definitely in the cards for me, from his perspective. so i try to believe him. and i try to keep myself open. i think i probably fantasize a bit about it, although i think i'm really grouchy, self-contained, and hyper-critical(defensively so). on the practical side, i have doubts and fears that are monolithic. i know that an intimate relationship process holds gifts and a mulititude of lessons for me. i try to stay open without obsessing. i try to make room. or try to keep room available.
rocky mountain roundup had a fundraiser on the 4th of july in denver at cheesman park. it was such a nice vibe. we had 99 paying participants and roughly 10 scholarships. it was hot that day, but most of the folks sat in the shade and tried to stay cooler. there was a pretty even mix of men and women. and probably around 10 kids or so.
after the food, we did have some silly organized activities. we held an egg-in-the-spoon race. we had teams of 5 doing laps around an american flag balancing an egg in a spoon. and we only broke 3 eggs.
there was a 3-legged race, a potato sack race, a water balloon toss, and a tug-of-war ( over 40 versus under 40). of course the over 40's won- so few people under 40 are in recovery and out about it. and there was volleyball happening all afternoon.
i honestly believe our members had fun. people got along. people were happy. people were engaged. people laughed. they participated. sobriety and recovery really can be fun. it was homespun fun- or homo spun fun. and it made our hearts smile.
and for you people not residing in denver- we are finding that collaborating with glbt members of other 12 step fellowships actually creates a stronger recovering community. our individual fellowships- i.e. ca,aa,cma,na,oa,alan are not weakened. quite the opposite, they may be strenghtened due to the influx of new ideas and faces and ideas.
you're welcome to experience community the 12 step way aug 3-5 in winter park. roundup
recovery happens more often than we know.....and it can be fucking fabulous!
and moving beyond "partying" has it's rewards. one of the most obvious is being able to remember the events of an evening the next morning (after a good night's sleep). i thought i would share a couple of interviews with a guy who has left the meth madness behind and moved into something better in his life, in hopes of reminding anyone in an ambivolent stage that there is light at the end of the withdrawal tunnel. getting clean can lead to a miracle as simple as letting your voice be heard. and getting clean very well may hold just such a miracle for you...
from the www.thewwavemag.com .
High on Living Drink and drugs behind him, Rufus Wainwright has a healthy appetite for life. By Tom Lanham
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stretched out at a table in his hotel restaurant, Rufus Wainwright looks the epitome of casual cabaret cool in his dress jacket, button-down shirt, black stovepipe jeans and white Converse All-Stars. You’re not sure if he’s on site to eat lunch or regale clientele at the piano bar. But the foppish folk-popper – once a near-skeletal crystal-meth abuser who crashed, burned, then rose phoenix-like from the rehab ashes – is not only savoring every last morsel of his chocolate-drizzle cheesecake, but appearing refreshingly gym-trim and healthy.
A few final sips from his latte later, gay icon Wainwright – the son of legendary folkies Loudon Wainwright III and Kate McGarrigle – has plenty to talk about, such as finding what seems to be true love; getting his own Metropolitan Opera commission, a work he’s titled Prima Donna; and issuing a brand-new solo set on Geffen, the Neil Tennant-assisted Release The Stars. He’ll be playing at The Mountain Winery in Saratoga on Aug. 4.
The Wave: You look mahvelous! Just mahvelous – no longer all emaciated, like the last few times I’ve seen you. Rufus Wainwright: Thank you! That’s because I’ve basically decided to, uh, live. Which wasn’t so much a question for me, but it was a vision, shall we say, that I had of death at one point. It was in between... well, in between men, probably, within the hour. And then I just had this searing vision of death ahead. It didn’t look scary, it wasn’t sad, it was more like an incredible orgasm. And the closer you got to death, the bigger the orgasm was. So it was kinda fun, actually. But I realized that I didn’t wanna do that now, and in the process of that, I kinda figured out how I was gonna plan out the next 10 years of my life, artistically.
TW: Did you actually sit down and draw up a plan? RW: Kinda, yeah. And whereas my other albums are very effortful and constructed – during which I hopefully learned something and now have some ability – I kinda feel as if this new album is more of the actual performance, the actual set after the rehearsal. And oddly enough, although this record seems really big, it was the easiest record I ever made, and it kinda happened in a flash. I was in Brooklyn recording, and it was the first part of the record, and I had every intention of it being this very toned-down, black-and-white, bare-bones sound. I wanted to sorta get away from the orchestras and the 10-part harmonies, so I got my band together and we jammed on the songs, which gave ’em a good structure. But then I moved to Berlin for the summer because my boyfriend lived there – he lives in New York now – and all of a sudden, instead of getting a cool haircut and hanging out at hipster spots with the East German low crowd, I was hit by this furious wave of German romanticism and classical prowess, and I ended up wearing lederhosen and visiting baroque houses. And yes, I actually wore the little lederhosen. And all my childhood fantasies of this fairy-tale Europe just kinda reared their ugly heads.
TW: What were some of the stranger Teutonic situations in which you found yourself, wearing those little shorts? RW: Probably one of the funnier moments was when I was hanging out with Eva Wagner, of the Wagner family. She’s in her 50s, and she’s very beautiful and very serious, just a wonderful woman. We were talking about music, and then she turned to me and said, “Your pants are falling off!” So that was pretty odd. And there’s actually a photo of me on the album in my lederhosen next to a fireplace. So it’s all documented…. This record was very influenced by German romanticism. I even went to Weimar, and stayed in a hotel where Hitler stayed, just for sh-ts and giggles.
TW: Do you speak fluent German? RW: I can’t, no. But interestingly enough, the more time I spend with Germans, and the more time I spend in Germany, the less German I know. It kinda just comes right outta me – that language is a hard one.
TW: But you have to admit, decadence looks cool on an artist. Baudelaire used to dye his hair green and walk his pet lobster on a jewel-encrusted leash. RW: Yeah, I think that’s true. But I also think that, on the other hand – well, two things. One, not everyone’s Baudelaire. Very few people, in fact, are Baudelaire. The other thing is that the greater challenge is to go through that darkness and actually overcome it and produce something even greater. Which actually, in pop music, is very rare. There’ve been very few people who’ve been able to capitalize on their health. Whereas in classical music, it was pretty much the norm – all the great composers were at their best when they were old. So that, to me, was always a real lifesaver, in terms of this taking-care-of-your-health thing. Because it is important, especially in the music business, to remember that you are a human being and you are susceptible to physical and mental illness, and that touring and singing to thousands of people every night doesn’t make you a god. So that’s my response, but maybe I’ve got a very Protestant kinda work ethic going on. But it is working for me now, especially in view of the fact that I’m about to write this opera for the Met. I’m starting it in French, but it could go either way. But in doing that, I’ve realized that – due to the size of the task and the probability of failure, which is so high – I don’t want this to be some half-assed publicity stunt, a la Paul McCartney. I wanted this to be real, and to do that I basically have to have all of my wits about me, and have every single cell available and in top condition. Once that’s over, I can pretty much go crazy. But until then, I have to have everything in shipshape.
TW: What rituals do you have for writing this opera? RW: Theoretically, at this point right now, I try to do about an hour a day of work on the opera – and I’ve actually gone through periods where that’s happened, and a lot’s come out. It’s amazing what you can do for an hour a day, if you put your mind to it. That said, I am very much dedicated to this album right now – it’s the order of the day and I have to do everything I can to get it going.
TW: You used to get so angry at the evening news, you’d scream at your TV and write songs accordingly. But this record seems to be focused more inward. RW: Well, interestingly enough, it’s the opposite. A lot of people have said to me how this is my most personal album, and in a strange way it’s the exact opposite, because on my last album, I was very, very involved with myself and figuring out my own personality, loves and all of that. Whereas on this record, I’m actually addressing other people – it’s more conversational with other subjects, and that, oddly enough, makes it sound more personal, because people can actually hear me saying something. So it’s funny how that works: the more outward you are, the more personal you seem.
TW: You look great, and say you feel great, too. Yet you open the album with a downer called “Do I Disappoint You?” RW: [Laughs] Yeah, I know! But that song’s a funny one, just ’cause it has absolutely no connection to me whatsoever. It’s about a brutish object of desire that drives everybody crazy, due to their extreme beauty. And they’re just never taken seriously because they’re so physically attractive. So it’s written as a fantasy, kinda like my own little Death in Venice. ---------------------------------------------------
and of course- there's this short interview, and this brand of video. this is an expample of what makes the internet exciting, having its own timbre and flavor in short snipets. rufus on leonard cohen.
