photo credit marc olmsted
But when the self speaks to the self, who is speaking? The entombed soul, the spirit driven in, in, in to the central catacomb; the self that took the veil and left the world -- a coward perhaps, yet somehow beautiful, as it flits with its lantern restlessly up and down the dark corridors.
Virginia Woolf
today i am going to an hiv conference regarding health disparities among various populations.
september 17th. wow. it doesn't seem so extraordinary, and maybe it's not. i just sit here in front of this screen and try to get in my head just how amazing this journey is. i never would have imagined me where i am. i thought it was already laid out last year.
at this time last year, i was working two jobs and preparing for mile high meth project to take hold. i had done the research and made recommendations, the grants were written, and we were just seeing them come in. i thought i would be doing that work for quite some time.
the world had other ideas about it though. i can't say i'm disgruntled any longer, although i know i was for a few months. i felt used and cheated and snaked. but, big deal, really. i probably was all those things. in truth, i have not been an innocent my whole life, so the fact that i was fed some of my own behaviors on a platter, albeit in sobriety, does not inspire sympathy. and the blessing is that i am not associated with those sadly insipid characters any longer. at least in my workplace.
my world is moving forward. i have a sponsee who has been a treasurer at a meeting for awhile, but has not turned in cash for a couple of months. he has also stopped answering or returning my calls. it's sad to think of him suffering. and i think that's probably what he's doing. once you get a taste of recovery, i hear that going back to insanity is not the fun it used to be at all. it's said that it ruins getting high. i believe it. i know i would be riddled with guilt and anger. suffering.
autumn always gets me looking back and looking forward. i think the banner photo tells all. that's me. waiting for the world to change. wondering how i am going to change. surmising how much i have already changed.
on a separate note, my buddy g sent me this article about white privilege by tim wise
2 comments:
The quote so perfectly matches the visual.
Love when you "use" me.
"in truth, i have not been an innocent my whole life, so the fact that i was fed some of my own behaviors on a platter, albeit in sobriety, does not inspire sympathy."
What a powerful sentence. Actually, one of the most honest statements I've ever read!
Through a Course in Miracles, I am starting to believe that we are half the equation in everything that occurs in our lives. This is a horrifying thought, especially for those of us in recovery who behaved quite atrociously while using.
I am the continuous object of anonymous harassment, an act that is almost unspeakable in its cruelty. And yet, in some way, somehow I know not, undoubtedly I played a role in bringing this on.
It may have been a role I have no reason to regret or lament, (i.e., me just being "me" caused others to react in homophobic hatred), but the truth remains that I am a player in the drama. And so were you in yours.
All of which can be a powerful learning experience that helps us rise above the ups and downs of life and grounds us in the realness of the now.
And in reading your blog, I see you growing in this way.
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