And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
i am writing this the night before 09/28/09. i grilled some veggies for dinner, grilled extra for a coupla days lunches with some tenderloin too. i am grilling pears right now and gonna have one or two with caramel ice cream. my laundry is in the dryer and i'm watching "cadillac records" while i post. i spent a night in salida with a friend, savoring the changing colors of the aspen and other trees. that friend is my mother, and we are re-writing our relationship- at least the finale.
this is a dramatic departure from where i found myself five years ago and before. i had been flapping in the wind like a kite caught in a tree for so long that i don't think i could remember what it was like not to hear the wind. i had stepped in a bucket of "fuck me" paint and i just starting believing that was what i looked like. and it was reflected in every other relationship i had, too.
thanks to a series of what then felt like unfortunate experience, i found myself with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. i had no one to blame for it, either. this last part really sucked. i found myself back in denver, after leaving that town in an angry chess move, to have the fun that i was denied the ten years prior, waiting to die from aids. so i jumped to san francisco and directly into a kerouac story. or maybe it was really more like dennis cooper. anyway, the meth days began before my heart could heal from any prior pain. i checked out of my life emotionally, and began to fill my time and my mind with little white shards of ephedrine-like amnesia and my time with chasing the midsections of men. each passing month drew me deeper into nothing and before i knew it, that's where i called home.
5 years ago, after several miserable attempts and making a change, i touched the dark bottom beneath me. i had seen my future, had seen my past, and had somehow realized that there was only one way to find my chi. i needed help. i couldn't do it by myself, as i had thought i had to do all my life.
my introduction to 12 step was painful. all these people talking in language that ignited nothing but anger in me. emotional boot camp is what i called it, and i really didn't want to be bothered. but i had nowhere else to go. divine intervention is what it was. after a year, i was able to trust someone enough in those rooms to tell them about me.
skip forward to tonight with my opening paragraph. with the help of a program, a sponsor, a therapist, some lithium, some diligence and some courage, and most importantly a higher power, i have a life today. i have future to work toward, and i have something to bring with me on my journey. i have met so many similar people, some have stayed, some have moved on, and i continue to grow in new directions. i have found work to do that holds meaning for my heart. i can look at myself in the mirror without shuddering, i can stand to cry or feel fear. i have a long way to go, but there isn't the sense of rush that used to describe my life.
so that's it. no fireworks. no big parties. just a quiet exercise in gratitude for relief from the hell i came from. recovery works. if you work it.
today's sound choice is from the verve remix cd. it's nina simone with "feeling good".