5 years clean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

i am writing this the night before 09/28/09. i grilled some veggies for dinner, grilled extra for a coupla days lunches with some tenderloin too. i am grilling pears right now and gonna have one or two with caramel ice cream. my laundry is in the dryer and i'm watching "cadillac records" while i post. i spent a night in salida with a friend, savoring the changing colors of the aspen and other trees. that friend is my mother, and we are re-writing our relationship- at least the finale.

this is a dramatic departure from where i found myself five years ago and before. i had been flapping in the wind like a kite caught in a tree for so long that i don't think i could remember what it was like not to hear the wind. i had stepped in a bucket of "fuck me" paint and i just starting believing that was what i looked like. and it was reflected in every other relationship i had, too.

thanks to a series of what then felt like unfortunate experience, i found myself with nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. i had no one to blame for it, either. this last part really sucked. i found myself back in denver, after leaving that town in an angry chess move, to have the fun that i was denied the ten years prior, waiting to die from aids. so i jumped to san francisco and directly into a kerouac story. or maybe it was really more like dennis cooper. anyway, the meth days began before my heart could heal from any prior pain. i checked out of my life emotionally, and began to fill my time and my mind with little white shards of ephedrine-like amnesia and my time with chasing the midsections of men. each passing month drew me deeper into nothing and before i knew it, that's where i called home.

5 years ago, after several miserable attempts and making a change, i touched the dark bottom beneath me. i had seen my future, had seen my past, and had somehow realized that there was only one way to find my chi. i needed help. i couldn't do it by myself, as i had thought i had to do all my life.

my introduction to 12 step was painful. all these people talking in language that ignited nothing but anger in me. emotional boot camp is what i called it, and i really didn't want to be bothered. but i had nowhere else to go. divine intervention is what it was. after a year, i was able to trust someone enough in those rooms to tell them about me.

skip forward to tonight with my opening paragraph. with the help of a program, a sponsor, a therapist, some lithium, some diligence and some courage, and most importantly a higher power, i have a life today. i have future to work toward, and i have something to bring with me on my journey. i have met so many similar people, some have stayed, some have moved on, and i continue to grow in new directions. i have found work to do that holds meaning for my heart. i can look at myself in the mirror without shuddering, i can stand to cry or feel fear. i have a long way to go, but there isn't the sense of rush that used to describe my life.

so that's it. no fireworks. no big parties. just a quiet exercise in gratitude for relief from the hell i came from. recovery works. if you work it.

today's sound choice is from the verve remix cd. it's nina simone with "feeling good".

days like this...

today was a full day. i stayed up late last night dicing jicama, peppers, and cilantro to make a salad to serve at a fundraiser for the AIDSWALK. i dropped it off at 7:30 in the morning before i went to participate in the priorities process for ryan white funding - basically setting a budget for the 2010-2011 year. this year it was held at the governor's residence. funny thing though. i worked there part time for a year and a half when i moved back to denver from san francisco. i hadn't been back since i started working working full time at the airport in 2006. it was good to see old friends and have a giggle or two.

there were more interested parties this year than i have seen in the other two years i have done this. it is seemingly tedious work, but budgeting is never really sexy unless there's s surplus. and we are not expecting a surplus in the next couple of years.

had to run back to the office after priorities to drop off a card. a nurse who works in our building had donated $500 to us and i had a thank you card to get signed by everyone. i had two emails from colleagues asking for the recipe for the salad.

i went to the verizon store after work to get a hands free device for my vehicle. i have had too many stupid close calls and i don't want to take any more chances. i can't wait to try it out.

i have a lovely feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment here at the end of this day. i am going to savor it as best i can. it is days like this that make the whole journey back to reality worth the trip. it's days like this (as well as the confetti jicama salad) leave a great taste in the mouth.

hope your havin' your own days like this....

here's the recipe for confetti jicama salad....
borrowed from an old southwestern cookbook (circa 1988)

2 jicama peeled and diced
4 peppers (red, yellow, green) seeded and diced
1 jalapeno seeded and diced
radishes to taste.. diced
1 bunch cilantro
1 tbsp. cumin seed
1 c. rice wine vinegar
salt and pepper to taste

mix everything ( but cilantro) and refrigerate and marinate overnight.
toss before serving and add cilantro.
be prepared to share, because everybody loves this!!! great for summer.

today's sound choice is an older house classic. ( which i still love) shaun escoffery with "days like this"... there were more than a few mornings that i greeted the sun dancing to this song at the endup in sf.

a new day

there is change afoot.

the things about life that have always seemed natural have shifted somehow. i now find myself comfortable in public and social situations which just a year or so ago would have numbed me out. i can have an uncomfortable feeling and find the patience to sit through it, or let it play out, without ruining my day or sending me to an isolated position. of course this has not always been the case.

neither have i spent a day listening to two separate and seemingly disconnected speeches by two men of african american descent in two separate cities before today. yet having experienced this today, i am finding that the category of men i consider leaders and the places i garner my information and my inspiration have expanded into new areas and grown. this is completely heartwarming for me.

i spent yesterday morning listening to robert e fullilove discuss his impressions of the migration of the hiv virus in america and its correlation to the continual displacement of the brown skinned citizens in america. it helped me realize just how very little i understand and need to learn in order to be effective in the work that i am doing.

and then of course, in my hometown, was the speech to beat this year, by the one and only mr. obama. his words brought tears to several of my viewing companions. this, i simply believe, can be attributed to the "audacity of hope" that he wrote about and that emanates from him and is as infectious as radioactivity. just the reality of a brown-skinned man making an nomination acceptance speech for the presidency of the u.s. is monumental. not so much if one is, let's say, under 40. but to those of us over 40, i believe this is more than just a notation in the history books. it signifies part of our lives coming full circle. it is not a declaration of uncomfortability. it is more the recognition of a metamorphosis. it is also the passing of the gauntlet and the turning of the tide. a new dawn. a new day. a new age. a new life.

today i am heading back to that hometown, feeling changed. big time changed represented by these two experiences in these separate arenas.

and i'm feelin good.